Finding Freedom In No

From personal experience, I know how hard it is to say 'no' sometimes. I always associated the word 'No' with negativity an selfishness. Actually it was one of the best pieces of advice I recieved awhile ago 'Learn to say no, be good to you, sometimes it's okie to seem a little selfish' ... and that was the hardest thing to do...and I'm guessing it's so for a lot of you out there. I feared saying No and having to disappoint someone, and I still do... but I keep in mind that if I can't look out for and be good to myself first, how can I expect to truly be there for others?

Many of us, from childhood on, are taught that saying yes is right and saying no is wrong. We learn that acceding to demands allows us to avoid conflict and criticism, please people, earn praise, and prove that we care for the important people in our lives. Yet the right to say no is indelibly intertwined with the ability to make choices. When we sense we are limited in our options, compelled to say yes even when doing so is not in our interests, we are effectively robbed of our ability to choose. Growing out of this tendency to say yes even when we desperately want to say no can be challenging because we suspect that others will reject us for our assertiveness. But the reward we receive upon facing this challenge is true freedom of choice.

When others ask you to take on work or do favors, consider their requests carefully. If you feel pressed to say yes, consider whether you are acquiescing out of a desire for approval or to stave off disapproval. Remind yourself often that the ability to say no is an important aspect of well-being, as it is an indication that you understand the true value of your energy, talents, and time. As you learn to articulate your personal power by saying no, you may feel compelled to explore the myriad consequences of the word by responding negatively to many or most of the requests put to you. The word “no” may even become your default response for some time. When you see that life moves forward without interruption, however, you will grow more comfortable saying no and will resume making decisions from a point of balance.

There is nothing inherently wrong with acceding to the requests others make of you, provided these requests do not infringe upon your health or your happiness. Keep in mind that it is only when you feel you have the legitimate right to say no that you can say yes with utmost certainty, sincerity, and enthusiasm. While saying yes almost always has a cost, you can feel good about offering your agreement when your reasons for doing so are rooted in your individual values and your appreciation for the appeal before you.

Now re-read this last paragraph...

Sometimes, forgivness is right where we fell...

There are no other words to better describe what happened other than quoting myself (again):

The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

This one has been consciously noted! I watched it all play out like a movie before my eyes, while they glazed over with tears feeling helplessly hopeless.

I can only be grateful in knowing that its the trials and mistakes that reflect our true strengths, bonds and beliefs. The apologies are still seeping out, but my heart is at rest. No use in actively regretting... just in being cautious in future decisions. We are all giving eachother another chance...and so is friendship. So is love. So is family.

1 month can be undone in an hour

Here are 2 entries I made in my journal 1 month apart

03/11/06

I am used goods and brand new. I am damaged and healed. I am an old soldier but new to this game. No more guns...just arrows.

I am bursting with excitment and shuddering with fear. I am the seasoned dominator but will easily succumb. No more lies...just caution.


03/12/06

It is no longer a game, but a dance. A beautiful flow going backward and foward, side to side, yet still moving ahead towards an unspoken, feared but desierable outcome.

How long will sweet silence suffice? I want to surrender and I want to fight... but most of all, I want to keep on dancing.

School is in full swing. At this very moment I opt to write here than settle on a subject to review. I really should break out of this procrastinatng habit. But sometimes, I just feel so tired....The wheels have been set in motion & the destination focused on...not just here, but above as well, so I can't stop now...I don't want to.

I have handed over the reins and stepped onto the track...now I must keep on moving.

Mapping The Inner Journey

Journaling As Meditation

Of the countless forms of meditation we can use, journaling offers its own unique benefits. Most meditations help empty the mind of concerns and bring positive ideas from our mental landscape, but journaling helps us anchor that experience in the material world. Not every person is attracted to meditating in seated silence, and journal meditation is a nice alternative as an active meditation. It allows us to trace our journey and see where we have grown and what lessons we may be repeating. By employing a different part of the brain than creative or inspired thought, writing or typing a journal can create a greater sense of connection and union with our physical selves and the world around us.

In working through challenges, it can be helpful to first empty all worries from our heads onto the safe pages of our journal. Fears can be brought to light rather than allowing them to haunt the dark corners of our subconscious. We may even feel heaviness dissipate once our heads are free from clutter, leaving space for inspiration and the creation of positive images in their place. Often in the process of writing out all the details of an event that troubles us, something that had been forgotten will come to the surface, providing a missing piece of the puzzle. Then we can truly begin to come up with answers, and write them down beside the worries to map the way from concern to constructive thought.

For capturing guidance and flashes of inspiration, journaling is ideal. This is especially true in the case of dreams, which often fade as we awaken. While working toward goals, keeping track of progress as well as guidance from readings or divination tools can be encouraging. Though it can be difficult to keep all of our guidance in the front of our minds, if we write it down it can serve as a reminder whenever we need it. We can also use our journals to converse with our higher selves or even the universe. Journaling offers yet another way to unburden mind and spirit, while also creating a record of the present and preserving our hopes and dreams for the future.

Daily Om Article: November 22, 2006


Keeping A Diary With Purpose

A diary can play many roles. It can be a confidant, a vehicle of self expression, a tool that facilitates clarity of thought, or a repository of dreams. A diary can also be a powerful source of comfort during challenging or traumatic periods. When you record those insights and incidents that clearly demonstrate you are on the right track, you can return to your words days, weeks, or months later and find uniquely soothing reassurance. A diary with a specific purpose can be a good tool for keeping track of experiences before the passage of time can skew your perception of events. It reflects the immediacy of your life and thus provides you with a landmark to return to when you begin to doubt yourself. If doubt does arise, simply open your diary to reaffirm your experiences. The confidence, surety, passion, and bravery you felt in a single moment is preserved, giving you a means to recapture those feelings in any place, at any time.

Your diary serves as a repository of personalized encouragement. Since a diary is, by its very nature, as individual as you are, you should give some thought to the type of diary that will serve you best. A synchronicity-and-connections diary might describe those instances where seemingly random occurrences came together in a meaningful way, propelling you forward. Or you may find strength in the pages of a pride diary that makes note not only of those times you felt proud of yourself but also precisely why you were pleased with your efforts. And a cause-and-effect diary can help you become more decisive by reminding you of all the wise, life-affirming choices you have made. Your diary should be small enough to be readily portable and on hand whenever possible because the faster you put your thoughts down on paper, the more authentic your declarations are apt to be.

Regardless of the type of focused diary you choose to keep, your recollections will create a positive feedback loop that helps you cope with doubt in a constructive way. Reading through your diary when life seems uncertain can show you that your misgivings are unfounded. As you draw consolation from your uplifting words, you will know without a doubt that you are indeed living your purpose and following the path that you committed to before birth.

Daily Om Article: November 15, 2006

All in 1 hour

I just came home from a Focus Group I was involved in for the CNMG (Caribbean News Media Group). It was actually a focus group on behalf of the CNMG, carried out by an Advertising and Market Research company. It was short and sweet and pretty much an example of what I want to do in the future regarding my carrer...@ least a stepping stone. Interesting huh? I really appreciated getting the opportunity to participate.

Here are some things I learnt:

• I don't listen to a huge range of radio stations (cept 95.1, 93.5 & 97.1)
• I don't have any concept of favorite brands of clothing (@ least not for myself, I can quicker pick up my fav. clothes on guys :p)
• I really do have a more extensive articulate vocabulary than I thought I did
• I really am 'more thought, less talk' when I'm not yet comfortable with ppl
• The non Bsc. program students are... hmmm... 'young'? Despite similar ages. Today reminded me of being back in a High School (cept it'll be co'ed)
• School feels incomplete without 'the gang'
• A lot of ppl don't know what 'blogging' means
• Working for a Marketing & Research agency really needs objectivity & fast writing skills & remembering names :p
  

Isn't it sweet to just give a factual/opinionated day to day account kinda blog? No strange deep thoughts ae!

Impetus

So... I may need continuity...need a drive, a reason, a season, a mindset, help, reassurance, momentum!!! and in it all...

"Let our powers combine! Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet! GO PLANET! " :D yay!!!!

Ok ok, maybe not, BUT, with these factors combined I have my Impetus... & I'll keep riding this wave towards the shore of success. It won't be easy of course...but I can see where I'm going & I want to get there.

What do you think? ... I revisit

The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of masochism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

The great dual burden of emotions and high intelligence was singular to humankind, and it was what made life so hard; you were always thinking about what you were feeling instead of just going with the moment, or you were always trying to feel what you think you should feel in a given situation. Thoughts and judgment were inevitable colored by emotions - some of them on a subconscious level, so you didn't even entirely understand why you made certain decisions, acted in certain ways. Emotions clouded your thinking; but thinking to hard of your feelings took the edge off them"

Dean Koontz. - Midnight - pg 193

1:42am

1:42am

I have an exam in a few hours & I somehow chose to rise from my deep sleep, drift downstairs & sit in the dark cold kitchen. I don't like how I'm feeling tonight...

1:44am

Maybe I'll have me some cake

Sweet Honestly

If a comment falls on deaf ears
clogged & cleared from all those years
It was because I found what I feared I would
when I sank in disbelief that I actually could
I smile with no reservations now you see
and this in itself brings sadness to me
'cuz I wonder & hope that one day we'll be there
and it's this very expectation that brings me fear
I will say nothing more, for now at least
for the smile on my face refuse to cease
*sigh* :)

I am becoming my own library

Here are some new books I bought during Summer Vacation this year:

• I never promised you a rose garden - Joanne Greenberg
• Mr. Murder - Dean Koontz
• Frankenstein Bk1 The Prodigal Son - Dean Koontz
• Frankenstein Bk2 City of Night - Dean Koontz
• She's come undone - Wally Lamb
• Deception Point - Dan Brown
• Lasher - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
  
• Taltos - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
• The Witching Hour - Anne Rice (Mayfair Witch series)
• The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
• Memoirs of a Geisha - Author Golden
• The curious incident of the dog in the nighttime - Mark Haddon
• Forever Odd - Dean Koontz
  
• The Husband - Dean Koontz
• Freakonomics, A rougue economist explores the hidden side of everything - Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J. Dubner
• The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty - A. N. Roquelaure Anne Rice

Plus these three I bought earlier today:

Would you eat your unborn?

Lemme start by saying that there's a slight possibility you may find the following a bit disturbing... I know I sure did.

As I lay on bed last night, trying my best to fall asleep, the most absurd string of thoughts came into my mind.

'Hams or Egg's' - According the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy. You can either be the Ham or the Egg, the Pig or the Chicken.

The Egg is layed by a chicken...the egg is indeed a chicken waiting to be born. And we, human beings, take those eggs that a chicken laboured to produce, we take those babies, crack open their shell and EAT THEM! We actually eat the offspring of another animal...just like that! When I thought about, I couldn't help but turn the senario around. What would it be like if some creature out there was to extract the womb of a pregnant woman, tear it open and eat everything inside. Throw in the featus, amniotic fluid and ofcourse the placenta, into a pot with onions, salt and blackpepper, flip it over to make sure it's cooked on both sides and offer it up on a plate to be eaten. It's simple evoloution for you to see. In seeing that image in your mind, how can someone actually eat eggs?

Sigh...I donno. The strangest things come to my mind around 3am when I can't sleep

Rainbows & Good Mornings

Today... I saw the most beautiful rainbow I've ever seen in my entire life!!! A huge complete perfect arch of ROYGBIV. I was going up the highway around 7am in the drizzling rain and it was as if time stopped and everything seemed inconsequential to the marvel and beauty of something so amazing. But here's the icing on the cake! It wasn't just one rainbow...but two rainbows...one above the other! Absoloutly stunning! I don't think I'll ever see something like that again.

I made personal history today when I reached to school so early that it wasn't even open! We had to wait for the dude to open the gate to drive in, then the other gate to walk in. I was one of 2 students to be in school @ that hour - 7:30am. I was the only person in the whole office as well... sitting there in the still darkness lol. What a day!

I don't wanna say too much, but you have no idea how amazing it felt to look up the stairs and see what I saw. *sigh* :)

Now I just want to find my bed and curl up with a pillow :)

Life know what it was doing...

Everything happens for a reason. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end.

Wow! I thank you so much for everything. The foundation was being laid down all this time, and we never knew... it was all for now. I may have cried and may have frowned...but I have never been happier than today. And you knew it. You knew it even before I did.
But now I know. Now we know.

Yuh know, life really does have a way of turning out just the way it was ment to be. I am so glad I don't have ctrl over all things, cuz I never would have been where I am today.

What a day! Did I ever mention I love nice smelling cologne? wow

Did I really just do that?

I needed to charge my cell phone and dad being the one who actually likes charging phones on a nightly basis, was given the responsibility to do so (thanks dad!) For security sakes *ahem*, I’m gonna leave out the exact number, but as of lately, we have a lotttt of cell phones in this house, and thus, a lotttt of chargers. Thankfully for me, my cell charger was the only one not black! It’s white… you can’t miss it! And somehow, we all did. For the life of me, no one in this family seems to know where my poor cell phone charger disappeared too ?

So last night we’re looking around at every plug outlet, behind boxes and in then, under chairs and on them but to no avail. Then, the simplest most logical thought pattern formed in my head, and I even went as far as saying it out loud “Aye dad, why don’t we just search for it!” Now can you imagine the looks I got after saying that? (like..umm…what do you think we’re doing?) Then reality struck me! Somewhere in my warped little mind ? the next logical step was to bring up ‘start – search’ and type in ‘charger’.

This is no joke my friends! I actually honestly mixed up the world of reality and computer land!

I know this happens to other people, it can’t just be me (right?)



PS: The charger is still to be found

Disconnected

It's quater past eleven and I'm just coming to terms with an incredible feeling of disconnection.

My dialup connection has died. My Yahoo, Hotmail and most importantly, my Gmail cannot be signed into...so I can't recieve or send any email. My MSN cannot be signed into, no matter what connection setting or proxy setting I try. And tonite, to add salt to my 'wounds' - my cell phone goes whack. Some calls not getting trough and most dropping and worst yet, my text messaging stopped working.

I called in TSTT and they no longer have the authority to reactivate post-paid accounts via telephone, so I'll have to go into an office when I can.

A lot of ppl will say the obvious "thats good, just learn to be with urself and go sleep or something. Read a book, write a poem, pray...something" This I could and prolly would do. I've spent the last 19 months doing exactly that, and one month back in the game, getting this distanced by force just gave me a lil panic inside. Thats the major reason. Then there's the fact that I actually want to communicate with certain ppl rite now. Hmmmm... Interesting

My babe misses me tooo... & I miss her. She told me yesterday that she feels so disconnected from me since I'm no longer on msn and trying the ebuddy thing. Now I really understand how she feels. But, I take solace in knowing that each moment is just that, a moment. Everything will be fine

I'm glad I expressed this...however silly & "TMI" it may sound, I really am Glad I did. It was more for me than.... But thanks for reading :)

What's in a lie?

Wow... it looks like every other person is coming down with some flu or the next. I caught a bit of it myself, but it's more like a stomach bug. My tummy feels funny still. Week 4 of me being 'back to school' has come to and end today. 1 month has passed already. I'd like to say I made some new friends. As time goes by we will see, but I know this so far, there is at least one or two I am looking fwd to getting to know better.

Sooo... have you ever wondered how easy it to lie without telling an untruth? Lie in the sense that you know you're misleading a person, though you did state the truth. It's all in the context... or omission. I donno, maybe I'm just sensitive to these things, or I want to be. I've said it sooo many times before and I'll say it again: it’s amazing what you can do with the English language.

Oh wait...
Example 1:
You're out liming with some friends and your mom calls and asks what you're doing and you say "Oh, I'm just drinking and smoking and making out with some random guy & gurl, yuh know, d usuals". Now it's up to her if she believes you or not. And more than usual, she won't. You're just kidding... yea rite...just tease your old momma. BUT hey! You just might be doing exactly that!!! You didn't lie, but you knew she wouldn't believe you anyway (who in their right mind really does tell their parents when they're doing something like that and is actually serious about it??!) Anyways, this is just an old technique I discovered a few years aback. How's that for an example? lol

Example 2:
Person 1: "yuh going home right?"
Person 2: "yea yea, laterz"
Person 1: Aight, I'll call

Reality - Person 2 drops in by Tom, Dick & Harry and a Roti shop before reaching home 8 hrs later. After all, he didn’t say he was going home NOW.

Anywaysssss... So yea. Lying without telling an untruth. Lying through deception and omission of facts. I'm sure we all did it. I'm not so sure how many of us know it, or even feel guilty bout it. But in the court of law, a play on words never stands up. Just imagine the possibilities, the literalness and be aware that sometimes, some people aren't being vague, sarcastic or funny... they're actually telling the truth, and we just don't know it.

Being Twenty Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared. You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all. You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe you can love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person. One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

----

I got this in an email and decided to check it out online to find the original source. Seems that this piece of writing has passed from blog to blog and website to website as we young people felt urged to post it and pass it along. And now, I find myself doing the same... But in my books, upon reflection, these are really the best years of our lives... it's all in how you make it (even in your head).

My Reminder

I felt terribly confused and conflicted and I really didn't like feeling that way. It leads to hurt, anger and resentment. I then thought about an entry I once posted about 'typical irrational beliefs' because one or two of the statements were applying to me at the moment... if only I can find it, read it and remind myself once again. As I came online, I decided to just click back into my archives for October 2005... just to see what was up in the mind of Tunks exactly a year from now. And there it was!!! The very same entry that had crossed my mind last night and the only entry made on that Month. But I know why...

I would like to re-post it, both for myself and anyone who may need to read it once again.

TYPICAL IRRATIONAL BELIEFS

We must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything we do.

We must be thoroughly competent, adequate, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects.

Certain acts are wrong or wicked or villainous, and people who perform them should be severely punished.

It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as we would like them to be.

Unhappiness is the result of external events and happenings that are focused on us and that we have no control over.

We should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center our thinking on them until the danger has passed.

It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities in life than to face them.

We need someone or something stronger than ourselves to rely on.

Because something greatly influenced us in the past, it must determine our present behavior: the influence of the past cannot be overcome.

What other people do is vitally important to us, and we should make every effort to change them to be the way we think they should be.

There is one perfect solution to every problem, and if it is not found, the results will be terrible.

One has virtually no control over her emotions; she is their victim and cannot help how she feels.

I'll keep reading 'till I get it right

I've been thinking - Am I reading the signs correctly, or am I reacting to how I think I want them to be, and how I feel?

We are constantly engaged in modifying our perception of each other and indeed ourselves. However, many of our interactions are guided by our awareness of how the other individual ought to behave if he is what we assume or believe him to be. First, we classify each other and then act towards one another in a way they regard as being appropriate, though they may have also modified their behavior as a result of changes in the basis of the interaction of misunderstandings of the symbols they are using.

Symbolic Interactionism - Am I misunderstanding the symbols? I’m just being precautious by brainstorming all the possibilities, and there in comes my cognition. Well you know the saying ‘once bitten, twice shy’

I like being okie

I can't remember the last time I just logged into blogger.com and started to write something, without an incling of an idea as to what I'm gonna say. This is one such moment.

"Keep smiling in the face of adversity". For some reason that statement has popped into my mind. If it's one thing I've heard over the years, is that I always have a smile or glow about me, that distracts from anything being wrong. Like I've said before, maybe it's only my eyes that give me away... or those rare moments when I don't even try to smile, cuz otherwize smiling comes so natrually.

I smiled a lot today. I pause now in my writing, thinking of an explaination I could share. But I've come to realize, I don't need a reason to smile. I don't need a reason for a feeling of happiness to be logically spelled out infront of me. There comes a point in our lives, where you can't help but appreciate... where happiness is only a smile away... and where life, with its ups and especially it's downs, really is a joy and wonder!!! Food for the soul.

Monday

Sunday is over. Thank Goodness!

Yesterday we were plagued with the 'cleaning syndrome'... Eid and Divali is coming up this weekend and I'm sure countless households have been inflected with this 'Cleaning syndrome' as well. Now, I had no intentions of being contaminated, so I stayed away from all such activities. To be honest, I'm really lucky I came out unscathed (so far)

I stayed up really late last night trying to finish some home work for Sociology. It really is a lot of reading, thinking and of course, writing. Actually, I've never studied this subject before in my life, so technically, it's a lot of learning, in the true sense of the word. Anyways, I eventually got fed up with all the writing (seeing as I can never write as fast as my mind is thinking) and just typed out all my answers instead. Ah well, but that's done as well, and I couldn't be happier. Despite falling asleep around 4am, I still managed a sweet, deep, solid 8 hrs sleep :) It's always a nice feeling waking up, without an alarm, knowing your body has been fully rested and rejuvenated for a new day. And a new day it is!

Come to think of it... my entries are becoming more like that of the old Tunks... but with less Trini slang. This style is dipping into my 2003 archives where I was generally happier with fewer responsibilities outside of the academic world. I may not have fewer responsibilities now, but I have a different mindset and reorganized priorities than I did over the last 3 years. Some changes, though greatly resisted, really are good for us. But don't worry, I'll mix it up.

The Director in all of us

Once I don't immediately fall asleep, once I hit the bed, my day starts replaying itself in my head. I know this happens to almost everyone... We are bound to reflect on the events of the day from time to time, more so at night when the day is about to end (according to the grand old scheme of time). When the night comes, and my body is at rest and my mind is trying to shift through all the thoughts to get to that nice quiet place where everything goes blank and sleep takes over, that's when the movie begins!

I'm the director, the actor and everyone else in between. I replay the events of the day and I keep finding myself changing them. Changing the circumstances, the scenarios, the scenes. I cut out what I don't like and add in something new. I play each event over and over using different actions and evaluating the consequences. I find myself refining them to the point where I see them as perfect... as how I wish it was or would be. Sometimes I can get lost during all this role play and the disappointment of bringing reality back to the facts is undeniable. This is why I hate doing this.

It's something I've always done...it’s like a part of life. When I catch myself in the directors’ seat, I immediately snap myself back. This also applies to this little philosophy I came up with, that is, once I think about something... fantasize about how I want a scenario to play out in the future, it is then that it's almost sure never to happen. It's almost as if I think I’m jinxing myself. If you picture the perfect scene in your mind, even in its objective imperfection, you create the dialogue, circumstances and reactions... then you know that it will never be. Unless you're beyond psychic. I'm not sure if I'm explaining this properly... it has nothing to do when it comes to positive thinking in setting goals and so on, it's just down to the detailed basics. Think about it. It's after 1 in the morning. I've just done some school work the night before a public holiday and the beginning of a 5 day long weekend for me. I should get some sleep. Happy reading folks...Enjoy the holiday and rest well.

Lucid

How did I feel today?
I wish I could find a word to describe it.
All I know is that it's just like my pre-actions.
I couldn't sleep last night. Today I arrived to class an entire hour early... but something in me was not right at all. I was overheating, heart racing and breathing difficult. I couldn't focus while conversing and kept rambling on with a friend. I decided I needed to get out of class before it began and get some fresh air...or something.

Turns out my feelings weren't exclusive to me... I've discovered an Empath in someone. I didn't really think about how I felt until approached and questioned...and I knew to myself, that if concern was continued, I would break. I didn't know how I felt. I didn't know how to express it... but I would have either cried or laughed or both.

This feeling got worst throughout my classes. Oddly enough, I managed to keep proper focus, attentive and responsive... It wasn't even an effort...my mind was working perfectly fine. I needed a focus and a chance to stay silent. Zone. It was just the emotional churning inside I couldn't put my finger on. My eyes glazed with tears. At times I had to hold my breath and bow my head to regain composure. I didn't trust what my facial expressions would betray. I would just smile to what looked like a private joke.

So I channeled and captured. 6 seconds.
In short, emotionally I felt like someone died but mentally everything made perfect sense

I predict this will continue for the next 7-10 days.

Excuse me Miss...

When we were younger most of us tried looking or sounding older than we were and we basked in the joy of knowing that someone thinks that. I'm sure everyone went through a period like that.Years down the road, the opposite is true. We want to look younger than we really are. It’s kinda like a never ending battle.

I've always enjoyed being the young one. I still do. In my family, immediate and extended and also in my classes throughout my academic life, I've always been one of the young ones, but that’s only by age. People almost always think I'm older than I am. Back in form 1, some people thought I was doing CXC..and mind you I was just 11 years old.

Over the past 2 years or so, I see a reoccurring pattern developing, where people keep assuming I'm 'a person in authority' depending on the gathering or occasion. In UWI I was mistaken as being a tutor but by just fellow students, but by tutors themselves. My first day of SBCS, and one of my lecturers thought I was a fellow lecturer. And now today, at a private course I'm doing...of a class of 12, I was the 2nd youngest (one being 19yo), yet for some strange reason a few of the students thought that I'm a teacher in SJC San'do (my Alma Mata). If people meeting me for the 1st time were to look at me and guess my profession (which I've had happen to me a few times), they either pin down 'teacher or works in a bank' - just from my looks. Why is that? Is it the way I dress...my short hair? My face? Mannerism? And why do they think I'm engaged? I don't wear a engagement ring? Hmmm...

I don't want to look older anymore. I like being young. I'm still Twenteen for God's sake!

Where's that unassuming student?

I've tasted the freedom associated with non-expectation. It was bitter sweet, but I liked it.

This morning was my last class for this week, marking this one of countless weeks ahead of me here in SBCS. I think I like it here. In 3 days I've managed to talk to all my lecturers (one of whom works with my mom and another who actually tutored me back in UWI). I've talked to other members of the staff administration section (one turned out to be my 'neighbour' and the other I bounced up on Hi5) and of course the two IT guys who were friends from before. I really didn't anticipate how much comfort there is in seeing familiar faces, especially in staff. So much for my cry of regression and shyness. I guess I'm really not an introvert. But I choose to be at times.

It rained pretty much all day. It was wet and muddy all around with the construction going on and exceptionally cold in that air conditioned classroom. I must carry a jacket next time! Now add these circumstances to trying to reach to school for 8am and it's a perfect excuse for wanting to take a day off. If iknew I would be spending an entire hour doing pure maths in an econ class, I just might have stayed in bed! But I'm a good student hehehe

I stared at someone today, not as much as I would like to though. I'm still left wondering... Don't worry... It's covert and I'll find an opportunity to stare again.

Note: Thanks for the reply. I really missed that.

The Transference & School

We've all heard of love circles. Like the ones that sprung from the genius mind of Shakespeare for example. But until now, I have never seen the true transference of what is felt by one for another, being felt by that other, but focused on another direction. Makes sense? Prolly not.

You prolly said before "He would never understand how I feel!" and God Forbid that he does...'cuz it's not for you. Talk about Irony! But in silence...

This carbon copied transference is so real it's almost tangible. And I could feel it.

How do I feel? Am I feeling or thinking? Ok ok fine...I'm doing both. I'm on the observing end of my own being replicated. And I nurse my shocks.

Anyways, today was the first day of classes for me. I am one making up the first class doing the Full Time program at SBCS South branch. It's a fresh start for both Institution and Student. It's a new beginning for this school, as it is for me. It's work in progress for us both as well. Maybe we can reach completion in sync. I really look fwd to it.

Welcome back Tunks

Today, October 2nd 2006 is offically the last day of my health induced personal vacation. 19 months of medical leave from academics, social life and everything inbetween has come to an end. 19 months of hybernation and hiding has come to an end. 19 months of living hour by hour, day by day, has come to and end. This 19 month cut off mark was one of compromise and self determination rather than the health stamp of 100% better!

As classes begin, I am now more determined than ever to do my best, with a greater appreciation of what's important and what's not.

My 2nd lease on life will not slip by silently.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Yesterday I posted:

It's pouring rain...the wrong-side kinda rain that makes you either disoriented or peacefully lost.

Today I post:

I'm afraid of him
Admitting it is the first step.
I just wanna reach the end where I'm not afriad and don't care anymore.
Fear really messes up the decision making process.

But as Bas Luhrman said: Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum....

And ofcourse ...Do one thing everyday that scares you...

I'm gonna have to take his advice... for my own sake.

Lose Control

Mary had a lamb
his eyes black as coal
if we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know...

- Evanescence

Let's step outside for a moment

I could step outside myself and sometimes things could look so simple. The world suddenly becomes black and white again and all my shades of grey were just self imposed by-products of circumstantial perception. If I look at the tube long enough, or sit behind a book long enough or even skip through the meadows of my mind long enough, everything will slowly but surely just become so very simple.

I can be so reckless with perfect reason, and that is, because there is none. But 'can' is just a word of possibilities...

Which is our reality? and where does my sanity lie...?

The Answer...

I find myself in conflict when having to answer certain simple everyday questions.

Question: So you like going out? Like the outdoors?

Answer: hmmm (big pause...and so this entry begins)

How do I answer? What do I base my answer on?
Do I love being indoors or do I love being indoors because I have to be?

My mind tries to differentiate between my lifestyle and desires. They're aren't exactly in sync. So I try to remember... I look back to the days when I wasn't ill...or I try to imagine how things will be now if I wasn't... and then my answer changes. I love being outside...I love rolling in the grass and running around and climbing trees and walking aimlessly looking at and observing everything. I love just sitting outside sprawled on the ground with a book or a pad and pencil. I love going for jogs and riding a bicycle around. I love going to meet people and see places. I love the outdoors ... I just don't do any of the above. Not anymore... not as yet...

It seems as if I make the life I have to live, the life I want to live...

My answer ends there, but the desire goes on....

Who turned on the light?

I decided to go to bed earlier than usual last night...that being before 3am preferably. I came offline by 1am and after reading a bit I took off the bed lamb, covered with my blanket and was asleep shortly after 2am. About an hour later I become aware... not of anything really, just the fact that I was aware. I was cold... shivering. I was still wrapped from chin to toe in my blanket yet I was shivering. My skin was super sensitive... it hurt just to feel. It was like having a high fever. I was aware of all this... and began twisting and turning wrapping myself more into a fetal position, clenching my pillows...anything to not feel so cold and sensitive. I remember turning from side to side, moaning even, but not being able to awake. I was fighting now to open my eyes but I was still trapped in that semi conscious state. The last thing I remember was me tossing and turning with the blanket wrapped around me, then just blank! Nothing. The perfect equivalent to deep sleep. And as if no time had passed, or maybe an eternity, I woke up with a sensation of rising out of water and finally being able to breath. There was an overwhelming bright light keeping me from opening my eyes, but when I did, I realized it was my bed head florescent lamp, on, and shining directly on me, inches away. I reached above and turned it off and rolled over. There I found my blanket tossed to the side, albeit neatly, perfectly stretched out from the head to the foot of the bed in a rippled fold. I reached over to my cell phone, put it on and saw that it was now 6:20am. How did the light come on? when? who? I knew I took it off, I remember taking it off. All these questions raced through my mind, all colliding with each other in a blurry mess appropriate for the state of thinking upon waking. I felt as if I had jus woken from medicated sleep. The kind where you dream nothing and remember nothing. I sat on the edge of the bed and unconsciously moved my hand to an itch on my knee. Looking down, I noticed there was a little scrape, a bump and some dried blood. Then a flash of a similar incident came to me...maybe from last night, maybe from night before... but I remembered waking in the middle of the night scratching an itch thinking it was a mosquito bite. It was raised in a most peculiar fashion but the seduction of sleep was more than enough for me to succumb to a non-thinking state again. Shaking the image, I got up, went to the bathroom, walked back to bed looking at the lamp in wonder once again, and just went back to sleep...for 7 more hours.

I'm still here

People come in and out of your life. Some just to help you with a problem or put you on the right path...some to teach you some life lessons through inevitable hurt and dissapointment and then there are others who will be there for you during that hurt and happy times. As it goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. I've 'lost' people... and somehow it feels okie. I've been lost to people as well...and I can only hope it's okie with them. Is it enough to hold on for a lifetime just through memories and desire?

No Man's an Island

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

John Donne

I believe this piece of prose has the ability to touch anyone who really reads it.

Live for Now

One of the hardest things to do is to live in the now. People may not realize it, but an enormous junk of their daily lives are spent brooding over and analyzing the past, or fantasizing and creating the future. How often do we stop to actually live, now? This topic was first made known to me during a farewell talk with out priest back in Convent. It has since then come up countless times in my own thoughts and occasionally conversations. Recently as well, now that I'm doing Philosophy, 'being aware' is a major aspect of it's teachings. Can you sit still for two minutes and let your senses totally take over? Think about nothing of the past or future...just receive the sensations of the present letting it go in and out and not stop to take hold of it or analyze and store it. It can be the most exhilarating two minutes of your day.

In the wider picture... I realize that very rarely do people actually live and enjoy the present situation for what it is. We live life always wanting to be somewhere else...be it literally or circumstantial. Having goals and dreams are far from bad, it can sometimes be necessary. But how much do we get caught up in these thoughts? Are we actually sacrificing the pleasures of the present all in the hope of gaining our own desired pleasure of the future? A rather blunt example, and the actual instigator for this entry, is that of my overall living position. I've always dreamed of somehow being able to take a year out of my life and do nothing but read and relax... no school work to worry about what so over. Nothing to do but just live for the day. Due to a twist of fate and the hand of God who works in mysterious ways, I've been somewhat granted that wish. However, I've spent months thinking about how all I want is to go back to school... I just want to study again, learn, accomplish academically. I let myself get caught up in this desire and now I've realized that I've sacrificed days and weeks of my own peace of mind from just not choosing to enjoy the present. I'm sure that at one point in the academic world, I'll be wishing for these circumstances all over again.

You need to be aware... recognize and stop certain stimuli before it seduces you. Stop...breathe...and as cliché as it seems, count your blessings!

Our minds are made in such a way that we don't need to process information while we are receiving it... we just need to be open, and just receive! It may not be as gratifying as memorizing a passage from a book for example, but in living in the now, being still and open... that very same information will be made known to you when you need it. It's something of taping into that universal knowledge...that wisdom that has mesmerized people for centuries. It's like I read in Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" ... you don't need to 'figure out a solution' ... you just need to 'remember' the answer.

A Girl Like Me

I don't normally do this, but I feel compelled to make such an entry as this. It's about this movie I saw "A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story"

Imagine feeling like you're trapped in the wrong body, that there's been some sort of mistake — that you're supposed to be a girl instead of a boy. How would you tell your family and friends that you wanted to change genders? Would you bring it up with someone you had a crush on? And what would you do when society not only refused to accept the new you, but was violent toward you? Well, Eddie Araujo didn't know the answers, but he did know he was supposed to be female, so he began to dress as a girl and changed his name to Gwen.

You won't believe what Gwen endured just to live her life as who she was and feel normal. It's a shocking true story about courage and tolerance, and is sure to stay with you long after the credits roll.

This is a true story folks. Here are some details about the real person...

Gwen Amber Rose Araujo (February 24, 1985 – October 4, 2002, née Edward Araujo, Jr.) was a transgendered teenager who died during or shortly after a savage criminal attack perpetrated by three males. The events leading up to Araujo's death were the subject of a pair of criminal trials in which it was alleged that the attackers were angered by the discovery that Araujo — who, at the time, was living as female — was biologically male. In the most recent trial, two of the defendants were convicted of second-degree murder, but the jury concluded that no hate crime was committed. The circumstances of the case have caused it to become a rallying point for the LGBT community, and a number of underreported and controversial aspects about the case and about Gwen's murder remain points of contention.

To Justify the Unjustifiable

A fellow blogger gave me this idea; to reintroduce some of my favorite entries. The following piece I found very applicable to my life once again and no matter how many times I read it, it always brings new meaning. I hope it does the same for you.

"...The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate and justify the decision of any passing action or thought; that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of machocism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us."

From: The simplicity of a complicated mind

Connection

People. We go through our lives mingling between the sexes mostly ignoring our natural urge and desire to be with someone. At any arbitrary event; in the grocery, passing strangers on the street, sitting in church...there will always be one of the two around you; either a male or a female. We don't always stop to think at each sighting that 'he/she is a potential mate'. If we did do that, I'm sure all will be shacked up with kids at the onset of puberty. So we move above those animal instincts and evolved into a race of basic discrimination, intent and imagination. But maybe, if you're a girl, every guy you see, every male person you encounter, triggers that natural instinct and vice versa for guys.

There is always something... noticing, observing, an affiliation, an interest, attraction, fondness, a crush, infatuation, an addiction, love, even obsession. It's our sexual interest. Our emotional desire. Our social need. Be it homo/hetro, it matters not... it all boils down to that connection. Any connection. It is our nature. How many tries before the soul finds satisfaction? How many times do we deny it...deny ourselves? We prolong the inevitable. I guess we just have to make sure it's for the right reasons.

Brick Lane

I quote from the book i'm reading 'Brick Lane - Monica Ali'

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,' Chanu went on. 'But what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older,' said Chanu, 'is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

Makes me wonder if I really want what I want and if I really choose what I did. Maybe I like the uncertainty...

Umhmm

Pain grows to burn Lessons concerned

Whats up?

Read my Ode To May

Whats been up lately Tunks?

May 8th - Celebrated my tweanteenth birthday
May 13th - Had my big Birthday Satsangh/Thanksgiving
May 14th - Mothers day pool party

Its been a good couple weeks. Hectic and sleepless, but good.

Any advice for Insomniacs?

Shhh

When lips don't move but words are spoken,
Closed eyes tremble from internal violence.
A mind and heart whose link is broken,
The strongest emotions are expressed in silence.....

(I didn't write this, but I know it...)

April Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of April

04-08-2006 - Minority Report
04-02-2006 - The Butterfly Effect

*Really liked The Butterfly Effect

Nine Precious Gifts

Lovely words....worth reading and giving. Enjoy - Tunks

In the economy of the heart these presents are priceless. This simple checklist can help measure how you are nurturing your relationships.

The Gift of Listening

The best gift you can give anyone is to listen to really listen.
Do not interrupt, do not daydream and most important do not plan your response. Just listen.

The Gift of a Smile

Besides making you look beautiful, a smile is contagious and helps to spread happiness.

The Gift of Laughter

Enjoy your moments together. Share articles and funny stories.
Clip cartoons. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

The Gift of Solitude

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

The Gift of Service

Everyday, go out of your way to do something kind for someone.
......it could also be a stranger.

The Gift of a Written Note

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime.

The Gift of a Compliment

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone.
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

The Gift of Affection

Be generous with your smiles, hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds as appropriate. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for your family and friends.

The Gift of Prayer

The most precious gift of all! Never fails to work!

To know

Have you ever been shocked by the realization that someone really knows a part of who you are... and you never even knew they did?

I was. That’s the start of this entry idea. This happened a few days ago and culminated in the other extreme, the opposite scenario. I was struck by the reality of someone really not knowing me, though they would like to believe they do, and I have tried soo hard to wish was true.

It's hard still to come to terms with knowing now that that essence of who I am, really am, seeped into the package of knowledge that some people believe they know about me...not just some people, but those folk who were only privy to a short burst of my life. And not the person who's assumed the authority over my 'being' for years on end.

The former is amazingly refreshing and puts a lot of things into perspective...while the other just leaves me somewhat sad and disappointed, not in the person, but in myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe... they would change to fit the truth into what I've brainwashed myself into hoping, and they into thinking that they did. I thought to myself...'How could you not know me...after so long?'...'How could you say that? …knowing...or do you?’ Could it really be ignorance...or cruelty?

Anyways I got this thought in my inbox today and regretting having not read it earlier.... I just wanna share this with you all.

"The light is our only trustworthy guide. This is why, before making an important decision, you must concentrate for a few minutes on the world of light and ask what course you should follow. The reply will come in the form of thoughts, feelings, sensations or symbols. If the response is clear, you can go ahead. But if you feel apprehensive, confused or uncertain, it is because obstacles and hostile currents are barring the way. In this case, postpone your decision; ask the question again and do not act until the road ahead is free and clear. The heart and mind are like screens, on which beings from the invisible world, the spirits of wisdom, project replies to your questions. Instead of carrying out your own plans at any price, ask the divine world whether it has intentions and plans that are more suitable for you, and listen carefully to its response."

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

Take a ride with me

I know I've always had odd little quirks and interests, most of which I dared not express farless try to actually explain to others.

Dipping the headlights. Flashing someone. I find this incredibly sexy. Yes yes I know, I used the word sexy! Say we're driving down the road and reach the itnersection to turn off, we would slow down, put on the indicator and wait. When an approaching car, seeing our need, flashes its headlights indicating that we are free to turn before them... I feel a sudden rush of pleasure! I can't quite describe it. It's something of a power play... the joining of 2 people in unspoken conversation and understanding. One submitting to the other, yet at the same time taking the upper hand in giving permission...I just find it amazing and... sexy ;)

Here's another example. We're speeding down the highway like most Trini's do. We notice that some of the approaching cars on the opposite lane has their headlights on...immediatly we know we should slow down since somewhere higher up on our side of the road, the police is timing. Again, I can't help but smile when this happens. Ramdom folks, going about their lives decide to take a moment to think about their fellow brothers and sisters behind the wheel. We're all partners in crime... ganging up against the quest of the police. We share that moment, exchange information and concern...and continue on our way. Beautiful huh?

These same people and their same headlights can be a source of extreme annoyance when they refuse to dip their lights coming down the road on a dark night. Hmmm... but I'd prefere that to a blaring horn anyday.

Hip Hip! Horray!!!

It's that time again folks... time for all the Aries to rejoice and celebrate another year added to their lives or their ability to stay '26 or 32' forever.

Time to re-read this entry! This one's for you bro!
Happy 23rd Birthday!

To Adele - Happy twenteenth Birthday! It's exacty 2 years since the day we really met and hung out. Though you're far away from our sunny twin islands, you're always in my thoughts and heart. I miss you! come back home soon :)

Happy Belated birthday to Daddy!!!

March Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of March

03-24-2006 - Final Destination 3
03-22-2006 - X2: X-Men United *
03-21-2006 - X-Men *
03-18-2006 - Stewie Griffen - the untold story *
03-17-2006 - Sky High
03-11-2006 - Sleepover
03-11-2006 - The Prince and I
03-11-2006 - The Parent Trap
03-11-2006 - Dude, where's the party?
03-10-2006 - Pride and Prejudice
03-04-2006 - A lot like Love *
03-01-2006 - Gharam Masalla
03-01-2006 - Interview with a Vampire *

Yes, I'm actually angry

How can people be so utterly inconsiderate and live with themselves?
I called Mt. Hope's Immunology Department to make an appointment to which I already had a referral. In all my life I've never had a receptionist speak to me like that...not just me, but my father also. I was so incredibly upset and bordering on angry at this woman's stuck record and absolute refusal to say anything but 'bring in your referral and make an appointment' (in a very rude and condescending tone) I couldn't get a ****ing word in. Maybe if she would shut the **** up and listen I would have been able to ask if patience with mobility problems will be able to access the doctors office easily of if I should bring a ****ing wheelchair! By the time she hung up on me (yes she ****ing hung up on me!,) I just broke into tears feeling utterly frustrated and humiliated like a kid being scolded by a teacher infront the entire class.

I'm so angry and hurt right now. I can't remember the last time anyone spoke to me like that. Not many people can tick me off like that... Kudos to her! ****ing biatch!

Again?!

Hi everyone. Here is an exerpt from a entry made about 3 years ago:

Sunday, March 23, 2003

NOTICE
My phone lines are dead! Yes we can all take some time out of our daily routine and Cuss TSTT! OR @ least laugh @ them or something! So Do that now! .... goooooddd!

3 years later, it happens again. Exact same timing.

Bang!

Everytime I see the Blimp, I instinctly wanna shoot it down, or pelt it down, or maybe create a huge fly swatting thingy and crush it into the ground .... hmmm

And I'm just a nice 19 yo girl with no criminal record, living in a decent residential area and an ex student of a prestigious all girls Catholic school.

It makes me wonder what the criminals think.

Part II

Part II of '...and so the night ends'

Obsessed

Did you know that I am the cause of your misery?
I control that which you don't even understand about yourself
My will is sunk so deep, my results only you reap
and you will never know to hold, I suffer two-fold myself.

It's self injury my friend, self help, self pleasure
Something that will forever be shrouded by a clouded vision
A hand to guide the unknown, it's intentions never to be shown
and a plea of pain and love to which you'll never listen

10.03.06 - Tunks

...and so the night ends

...and so the night ends
grabbing and pulling at a new dawn
another cycle of thoughts and projections
and silence tearing through my own peace
grinding harder until all edges are worn

I may as well light a candle in your name
watching it burn and bleed
and fall to the ground to instantly conform
But these thoughts will grip and lure
manipulating your wants 'till you need!

...and so the night ends

09.03.06 - Tunks

February Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of February

02-25-2006 - Hostle
02-25-2006 - Wolf Creek
02-20-2006 - Constantine *
02-19-2006 - Saw II
02-18-2006 - Constantine
02-18-2006 - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galexy *
02-18-2006 - Secretary *
02-17-2006 - Napolen Dynamite
02-16-2006 - Waiting *
02-16-2006 - Runaway Jury *
02-16-2006 - Without a Paddle
02-11-2006 - Salam Namaste *
02-11-2006 - Saved
02-04-2006 - Eloise
02-02-2006 - Cellular
02-01-2006 - Chasing Liberty

* My picks (Yes I looked @ Constantine twice. Loved that movie!)

Huh?

I was lying on bed around 1pm after my midday siesta still contemplating if I should get up or just roll over and enjoy the peaceful laziness.

For a split second, everything goes pitch black! and in that brief moment I really and truly panicked.

Then I realized that I had just blinked. whew.

Now is it just me, or was my reaction just very weird?

Itchy scratchy

I came up with the idea, that an ideal way to tourture a man is to give him some sort of itching skin irritation that affects his whole body, and lock him up in hot room to scratch himself crazy.

I've gotten some kinda itching allergic reaction to my meds most likely... I feel like a junkie who's well behind his boost up time. I think I'm slowly scratching my sanity away...

My Sweet Teaser

It was around 7pm and I was well on my way to the swimming pool for my nightly dip. The glass was down, radio on not too loud and the crisp cold wind was having a field day dancing in and out my car windows. I stared out into the night, took a long deep breath and a faint sweet scent teased my senses. Ummm...so familiar, yet more real than a mere memory. We were passing through a long stretch of cane fields - ah yes! The sweet smell of burning cane...that sweet smokey teaser. I remember actually thinking with a smile, how much I love living here - in Trinidad.

As I reached the pool and was parking, from the corner of my eye I saw what looked like tiny threads falling from the sky. The funny thing is, the first thought that popped into my head was that some dog was shedding hair hahaha... but that of course didn't make sense 'cuz it was after all falling from the sky. I then thought it was angel dust. Lord alone knows why I thought that one. I said out loud - 'This is Snow in Trinidad' ... and my gosh was it a sight! Black snow, grey snow, white snow...just falling and falling. In all my life I had never seen so much at once.

I waded around, enjoying the marvel of 'my snow' until it dawned on me that I was freezing. Definitely time to come out the pool - night time dips tend to suck the warmth out of you. The pool itself was quite a spectacle by then with enough fallen ash to almost cover the entire floor. Hey, I was just visiting - I couldn't help but be amazed, but I surely feel sorry for the person who had to clean up all that mess. Nonetheless, cane season - another reason why I love sweet T&T.

January Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of January

01-31-06 - The Transporter 2
01-29-06 - Fun with Dick and Jane *
01-28-06 - Beverly Hillberlies
01-27-06 - Spiderman
01-27-06 - B-13 *
01-20-06 - The Perfect Score
01-20-06 - The Princess Diaries 2
01-19-06 - Serenity
01-17-06 - The Pacifier
01-16-06 - Love Actually *
01-15-06 - Underworld
01-15-06 - Alladin
01-14-06 - Cheaper by the Dozen
01-14-06 - Chicken Little
01-12-06 - Wembeldon *
01-11-06 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle
01-09-06 - Finding Neverland *
01-09-06 - Sleeping Beauty
01-08-06 - Amanda
01-07-06 - Sin City *
01-07-06 - Selling Innocence
01-07-06 - The Beutician and the Beast

* My picks