Retreat

I'm teeming with a host of negative emotions. Angry, hurt, annoyed, guilty, foolish, used, weary and tired... so very tired. What a seriously messed up way to feel. I need to get this out and get back to myself again... alone

On bed

As soon as I remove myself from being the strong one, I fall apart. It's sickening

Far removed

One of the hardest thing about having MDD, is the arbitrariness of time when sadness and hopelessness hits. I've been on medication for more than 3 years so far, varying doses as well and all efforts to come off it has left me in a worst place than before. Putting that aside, it's the sadness though. Where does it come from? What does it want? The fatigue, listlessness and fear... What is it in a chemical imbalance that makes it so potent? I guess that's how it goes with the human body, the simplistic and smallest of errors can be detrimental. Yet I wish that this sort of logical explanation could work as a bandage on this wound - but that's the thing with depression, it's always far removed.

Can't have them all

It's been such an emotionally confusing day. I'm questioning things about myself, like how good of a person can I really be if I can find it in me to harbour such emotions and thoughts. More importantly, why?

Why do I let myself suffer for so long?

I'm constantly in pain, and it's only getting worse. I'm losing my ability to do more and more things each day... Need to do treatment...

Waves

It's said that grief comes in waves and it's punctuated by important events in our lives... well this is one. When you lose a parent, there is no milestone untarnished by the yearning for their presence and the fact they are no longer there, hurts all the more... sigh :'(

I need you

I need your help, advice and guidance so much right now Ma... :'(
This is such a helpless feeling... I need you
Why did it have to be that you're not here?
I hate death!

RA Awareness

Trauma comes in small doses

He lay sleeping next to me but I couldn't sleep any more...
I woke with a flare
I quietly (or at least I tried) came off the bed to get a prednislone tablet
But then this happened...
I could not open the door. It was not locked or jammed. I just could not grip the knob. Could not turn it. My hands were flared that badly.
I stood there in slight panic, peeking at him as he slept, dying a little inside at the idea of having to wake him to open a door for me ....

To-be-read Pile 2014 Reading Challenge

I'm Joining this challenge - I've got wayyyy too many books piled on my shelves waiting to be read.

Due to school demands, I'm going to aim for the most basic level:
LEVEL 1: 1-10 books - A Firm Handshake

CLICK HERE to view this challenge if you guys want to join me! ^_^

2014

• Love myself
• Lose 20lbs
• Aim for A's in all my 2nd semester courses
• Check up on my dad more often
• Be more compassionate
• Read more books than I have for 2013
• Be more proactive with school work
• Take my medication as I should
• Meditate
• Clean up clutter  
• Revisit and be mindful of these resolutions