Friday, April 22, 2016


by Yi Shin Chiang

'The thing about getting older, is that you don't need everything to be possible any more, you just need some things to be certain.'

- Brick Lane

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

I just had a memory 

As a teenager growing up, I used to hang out with a few close friends. They used to sometimes joke about me being the vain one amongst us because I was always looking at myself in a mirror or glancing at myself in a reflective surface. It used to bother me a little bit but in a sense I sort of just accepted it. Now all these years later I'm putting it in words and saying that this was never from a place of vanity, but rather quite the opposite -- a place of insecurity. I've always been insecure about my appearance and that has never changed... I would like it to change one day. I would love to love myself and be happy. And more than just wanting it, I really believe I'm at the point where I need it

Monday, December 07, 2015

Happy Birthday

Dear Mum,

Today was your birthday. I didn't leave the house today, but when I do, I think I might buy you some flowers, or maybe I should just pick one.

You know they say that the souls of loved ones looks after us, and everyone keeps reassuring me that you're there somewhere taking care of us. But how long does this last for? I guess time is different here on earth... maybe time is irrelevant where you are. It's like in the movie Interstellar. Hmmm... if that is the case, then as long as I am alive in this body, you will be looking after me.

I'm doing my Masters now and it's the last 2 weeks of my first semester. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and so hopeless and worthless. I keep thinking that it's so much work to do and I feel as though I don't even know where to start or how to do anything. But I just remembered something... that you did your masters too and you said that you can't be the only one. You won't.

I love you forever. Happy Birthday Mummy

Friday, May 15, 2015

4 weeks of a flare

Times like this I find myself juggling between wanting to just give up and die right now...
Or get better and fight like hell for everything

Do you know how depressing things is? I'm struggling to move my joints and stand on my own... and what are they doing?

So much re-evaluation at a time where it's either perfect or terrible to. What am I looking forward to? Can you make this worth it? Make it worth it.

Friday, May 01, 2015

Real suffering

I'm just lying here, listening to my body and feeling every ounce of pain. It's not just the pain associated with moving or not being able to move, but I'm just lying still as ever and feeling this strong, relentless pain travel through my leg - up and down, radiating and wrapping around.

It's just amazing. Truly, I am amazed! Amazed at how much pain the body can create and feel. How horrible it feels. How little control we have over it sometimes. Like right now... I'm on all the meds I can safely take (and legally - though that might change) ... and yet I'm on a 8/10 pain scale while lying still, and would surely shoot up to a 9.5/10 if I try moving. That's when my heart rate goes up way pass the 100bpm it's already at and my head goes dizzy, I see lights dancing around my vision and the sounds of pain escape me.

This has been my week. Every day. No relief.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

0 - 100 in 30 flat

It's the middle of March and I'm blogging for the first time for the year really...
Today, I went to see a new doctor who deals with gut issues.
What I needed most was really a sedative because I left there so incredibly stressed that I broke into tears at a traffic light while driving in a daze. Then my neck started hurting so terribly and before you know it, I've a full blown migraine. All this in the space of 30 minutes.
I am still in awe at how instantaneously my body reacted to the perils of my mind...
Also, I really hate RA. It's killing me

Friday, January 02, 2015

New year 2015

2014 was quite a packed year.
Final year project, final exams, graduation!
Made new friends and started working
Drove many new places
Gave up my apartment
Fostered lots of kittens
Lost a few pets

2015, here we go!

Monday, September 08, 2014


I'm teeming with a host of negative emotions. Angry, hurt, annoyed, guilty, foolish, used, weary and tired... so very tired. What a seriously messed up way to feel. I need to get this out and get back to myself again... alone

Saturday, September 06, 2014

On bed

As soon as I remove myself from being the strong one, I fall apart. It's sickening

Friday, September 05, 2014

Far removed

One of the hardest thing about having MDD, is the arbitrariness of time when sadness and hopelessness hits. I've been on medication for more than 3 years so far, varying doses as well and all efforts to come off it has left me in a worst place than before. Putting that aside, it's the sadness though. Where does it come from? What does it want? The fatigue, listlessness and fear... What is it in a chemical imbalance that makes it so potent? I guess that's how it goes with the human body, the simplistic and smallest of errors can be detrimental. Yet I wish that this sort of logical explanation could work as a bandage on this wound - but that's the thing with depression, it's always far removed.

Can't have them all

It's been such an emotionally confusing day. I'm questioning things about myself, like how good of a person can I really be if I can find it in me to harbour such emotions and thoughts. More importantly, why?

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Why do I let myself suffer for so long?

I'm constantly in pain, and it's only getting worse. I'm losing my ability to do more and more things each day... Need to do treatment...

Thursday, February 13, 2014


It's said that grief comes in waves and it's punctuated by important events in our lives... well this is one. When you lose a parent, there is no milestone untarnished by the yearning for their presence and the fact they are no longer there, hurts all the more... sigh :'(

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I need you

I need your help, advice and guidance so much right now Ma... :'(
This is such a helpless feeling... I need you
Why did it have to be that you're not here?
I hate death!

Friday, January 03, 2014

Trauma comes in small doses

He lay sleeping next to me but I couldn't sleep any more...
I woke with a flare
I quietly (or at least I tried) came off the bed to get a prednislone tablet
But then this happened...
I could not open the door. It was not locked or jammed. I just could not grip the knob. Could not turn it. My hands were flared that badly.
I stood there in slight panic, peeking at him as he slept, dying a little inside at the idea of having to wake him to open a door for me ....

Thursday, January 02, 2014

To-be-read Pile 2014 Reading Challenge

I'm Joining this challenge - I've got wayyyy too many books piled on my shelves waiting to be read.

Due to school demands, I'm going to aim for the most basic level:
LEVEL 1: 1-10 books - A Firm Handshake

CLICK HERE to view this challenge if you guys want to join me! ^_^


  • Love myself
  • Lose 20lbs
  • Aim for A's in all my 2nd semester courses
  • Check up on my dad more often
  • Be more compassionate
  • Read more books than I have for 2013
  • Be more proactive with school work
  • Take my medication as I should
  • Meditate
  • Clean up clutter  
  • Revisit and be mindful of these resolutions 

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

The irrationality of pain

A part of me believed that when you died, you would have taken this pain away from me, that I would have finally been healed. The immensity of the sacrifice seemed to merit it - that was the level of my denial… and my need

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Realizing a childhood dream

I started cross-stitching yesterday. I eagerly ordered a kit online complete with pattern, cloth, thread and needle. I started doing it all wrong and had to start over. 24 hrs later, my work is a lot neater! The first few lines of stitches look terrible in the back - and a bit in front. But it's so lovely seeing how things change with just a little more experience. Progress! It's killing my hands though, I really need to get a loop to hold the cloth taunt. As you can see in the picture, the left is neat and I have my tail tied nicely. On the right was my epic mess! This is the back of the cloth by the way.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I wish you were here to see

Dear Ma
Today was a big day for me. I missed you a lot during it all.
Firstly, I drove into POS by myself - heart of Port of Spain! I had to get to the corner of Duke and Abercromby for an interview and then I took Fredrick street all the way out. All I kept thinking about was all the times I came POS with you --- on official business or shopping for curtains. Now look at me... having to do it on my own.
Secondly, today I got signed for my very first job. I still can't believe it. Thank you for bringing me up involved in the Sai Organisations because all the service and outreach programmes I've done has helped me tremendously during interviews. Not forgetting the work with the newsletter and bulletin. And like you said, children get their brains from their mothers and I have a pretty high GPA. So that helped as well. I'll be working in San'do, not too far from your school.
Lastly, I got another A in a final exam. It's most likely going to be my only A since this past semester was terrible for me exam wise.
I love you and miss you sooooo much!
PS: I'm gonna be wearing all your work suits (it's what got me through these past few weeks of interviews, including getting the job today)

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

The second birthday without you

I brought in midnight the day of my birthday today, thinking about you Mom. This is the 2nd birthday I'm having without you here with me. 21 months without you. One would think I would come to terms with it by now, but I'm far from that. Maybe I never will. Not a day goes by without me missing you. I still find myself in that shocked moment of utter disbelief that you're really no longer here. I still have so much to change, for the better, and I promise in this my 27th year of life, that I will do them if not for me, then for you. You're still my ultimate place of comfort and until the day I die as well, I will always be trying to find that back. You are the reason I am having a birthday today. Thank you for giving me life. I love you Mommy. I always will.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Self hate comes in many forms

I’m such an idiot! Yesterday evening we bought a large pizza. I had 3 slices! Last night I got a terrible diarrhoea and knew it was the pizza. What do I do about it? I ate the last 2 slices today! And again, more diarrhoea. The sad part is not just that I did it willingly, but that I did it thinking ‘Guess I won’t be absorbing all these calories if my body is not tolerating it’

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Truer words were never spoken

There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.
Christopher Moore

Saturday, February 09, 2013


What if it’s never enough? When if I never get what my soul longs for? What if I never stop needing and searching? What if I do? What if I just lose myself, in loving you

Monday, February 04, 2013

Tea saves

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever survive the rest of my life without a cup of tea. It's one of the most enjoyable and defining  moments of my day. I swear, I feel like it saves me! It really does save me

Sunday, January 20, 2013


  • Be more compassionate with my dad
  • Be more compassionate with my bf
  • Go to UWI's pool 
  • Clean up clutter
  • Take better care of my body
  • Aim for an A+ in Motivation and Emotion
  • Aim for an A+ in Organisational Behaviour
  • Aim for A's in Cognitive Psych and Physiological Psych
  • Get more rest
  • Drink more water
  • Have more wine
  • Learn to relax
  • Study every day 
  • Be prepared for my classes
  • Do a mani and pedi
  • Get a professional massage
  • Read 50 books
  • Prepare some of my own meals
  • Lose 30 pounds
  • Learnt to reverse park with ease
  • Start learning a new language
  • Play chess

Saturday, December 15, 2012

No matter

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal
the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from
us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left
completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin
from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in
silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time,
bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often
adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a
feeling of immeasurable emptiness.
haruki murakami