Morning... Mourning

This morning I woke up before my alarm, about 20 minutes before.
I woke up sad.
I remember dreaming, a lot of dreaming, but nothing like a nightmare per say or anyone died or anything, but I opened my eyes and all I could feel was an overwhelming wave of despair creeping up on my faster than I could control.
Getting lost in the feeling was the last thing I could afford, so I tried to find reasons for it, but my mind won't let me. I couldn't think. I lay there staring at the ceiling, the cupboards, the windows, my pillow, the million and one pieces of clothes piling up on my desk and nothing seemed to make sense. The calm and panic all mixed into one, no sieve of reason or understanding to save me.
My chest was heavy, my body tight with tension and pain... I felt weak, emotionally and physically.
My throat felt like it was burning... then I realized I was holding my breath.
Tears came to my eyes... what's going on? How could this be happening with no known reason? Did I dream something? Is something going to happen?
Yes, maybe it is.
...
Mom came into my room to bid me goodbye before heading to work and I just hugged her. My body was hot. Or she was cool.
...
I remember having breakfast. Watching the table in front of me and thinking it's so far away. Do I have to make the effort to move towards it? I feel drained. I don't want to move.
...
I made coffee... maybe this might perk me up. I took happy pills. I took a warm and a cold shower. I made my eye makeup really pretty wit shimmery silver blending into shimmery black.
...
I put on drab gray & black clothes and was off...

!

I want out

Deny

Maybe I would have changed things,
had I know that this was what was going to be
and the mere fact that I know this is so very wrong;
Why did you even have to tell me?
How am I supposed to possibly accept
that my existence is going to be denied?
and despite all the honesty, or pseudo truths
I can assure you, this time, you should have lied.
It's going to be hard not to resent this fact
as the hours and days pile on
but I can only hope that this feeling wouldn't project onto you
until the memory that feeds it is gone...

Flower

Simple kinda life

I'm tired
When did everything become this complicated?
Why is it all interrelated?
I'm jaded

... & that's probably worst

Odd

I need a new outlet, not another shoulder. I thought to myself, I need something, something else... and my mind came right back to this. It's not new, but it may as well be, since I haven't been expressing myself much here in awhile.

Everyone needs a fall back plan.

I think I realized this when I found myself blogging in my head. I thought to myself that talking to myself in my head, is not entirely healthy... and worst yet, telling myself that I'm thinking that talking to myself in my head is not entirely healthy, is even worst.

I can be a recluse, I know. I can't ignore the fact that this does not affect me and me alone. But a small part of me wishes it didn't.

I end this with a quote from the book I'm currently reading "Forever Odd" by Dean Koontz:

Loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused"

PS: The link takes you to the official Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas series page! It's kinda cool.

Hi

Let's chat till the cows come home!

Who's on your Mylime?

So Bmobile is offering it's Mylime customers unlimited free text messaging and calls between the hours of 10pm to 6am, Sunday to Sunday. I must admit, it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world getting something free from TSTT, no strings attached!

I'm wondering however... what are the implications of this new promotion? Not to Bmobile themselves, but to us, the citizens of T&T. In economic terms, nothing is free...there's always some opportunity cost attached, in some indirect way we're paying for it all.

As a population, I can almost guarantee that the aggregate amount of sleep hours has dropped. 10pm to 6am... sounds like a good time to be awake on a Friday night perhaps, but 7 days a week? Hundreds of us out there are on the phone this very instant (2:30am) chatting away with friends, family. significant others... or sending random messages. Its the lure of doing something we don't have to pay for. Except with lack of sleep of course. Maybe, if there was a way to know, work production has decreased during the day because of more people spending time on the phone during these seemingly ungodly hours.

Oh... T&TEC will surely benefit from this. Can you imagine how many times we all need to charge our cells now? We're gonna be seeing cell phones plugged into walls constantly during the night to facilitate this unlimited talk time & insatiable need for communication. Our electricity bills might go up, but who's going to notice that? Probably only T&TEC.

On the bright side though... we're having more communication! Finally people are not faced with having to say or hear "girl, I have only 5 mins left before meh hour up eh, so finish up wha u saying quick!". Since the pressure of paying is off, I'm sure a lot of relationships have miraculously developed, endured and flourished! All because of increased communication. Maybe in some small way, we're a happier bunch of people! (unless the lack of sleep offsets it)

Can there be too much communication? I can imagine those of you who are now forced to switch your cells off or turn them on silent because of the unnecessary barrage of messages shattering the silence of your 3:53am sleep. I'm going to guess that if this is the case, then you should count your blessings to be privileged enough to be one of the limited 5 of your friends Mylime list. Friendship is always a blessing.

So... I don't know. Maybe we're sleep deprived & wasting time on the phone, but maybe we're also more socially satisfied & gaining appreciation of the people in our lives. Who knows...

I'm not going to weigh the pros & cons... but I do wish the promotion will be extended to way beyond June 15th 2008! :) *crosses fingers*

A twist to the tunks; we're all human

I heard an interesting comment today. It had me thinking... hmmm
I'm accustomed to having the following happen to me:
I say: oh man! I'm totally breaking out! Got a zit right there...
Friend say: Oh shut up! You have like perfect skin! Unlike mine...

However for the first time I got a different response to that situation:
I say: Geeze, I got a zit on my chin! A real one!
Friend say: For me that will be nothing, but with perfect skin like yours, the
slightest thing will show up, so I could imagine how you feel

*hmmm*

It's strange to get empathy, but the point is interesting... the person is
right. If someone is accustomed to having acne, then 1 extra zit would
generally go unnoticed (to others). However if you're accustomed to perfect skin then
the slightest blemish or flaw will stand out...

But showing up or not... I won't use this observation to invalidate how it
affects anyone... only the person themselves will know how much a break
out affects them, DESPITE what others will notice or care or not.
But it sure was nice having someone actually empathize with me instead of
brushing off my comment as silly in the light of comparison...
Thanks hun

The revelation of S&F

I have a bit of an addiction to Search & Find word puzzles. I started loving it at age 10 & then somehow never really invested on buying the books until I was doing A levels at age 16. Since then I've gone through countless books; word by word, page by page. I sometimes save the time I finish each one, together with the date & my signature. Nowadays, I just save the date since there's no need for my signature anymore... It's become such a ritual in my life & I'm so accustomed to my own style of solving it, that if someone decides to do 1 or 2 words from a puzzle, I would know... There's no hiding it from me! hehe

I knew I was getting too good @ it when I started finishing entire puzzles in less than 2 minutes. As soon as I cross out one, the other word becomes visible to me... there was no pause. It's like I'm in a sort of trace...

I have a preference though... I prefer puzzles that are square with the letters evenly distributed & not different spaces between rows & columns. When they're even, I just have to blur my vision & I can see all the words jumping out at me. Also, I always do them in order, from word 1 until I reach the end... I don't jump around. It takes a certain level of self ctrl to see a word & not circle it only because its further down the list.

Anyways... while doing one of the puzzles today, I just couldn't find the word 'frog'. I searched searched searched & just could not find! I reverted back to my childhood technique of going line by line, top to bottom, bottom to top... & I still couldn't find it. And then I got a revelation about life! hahaha I can think of life as a S&F puzzle... Looking @ it in the beginning, everything looks jumbled, mixed up, no order or understanding... & yet we're given a list of words to find, a list of things to fulfill, in the order of which life means it to be. Sometimes finding what we're looking for is easy... & sometimes, no matter how much we search, we just can't find it! So we think 'Maybe it's not there'... but it's there alright! Amongst all the apparent confusion & randomness, it's there right out before our eyes, yet we can't see it. So we skip it over... move on to something else in life, ignore the feat we couldn't accomplish thinking its a lost cause... When we reach the end of the list & we've ticked off 'school' 'marriage' 'job' 'child' 'icecream' 'hurt' 'pain' 'loss' etc we may think to ourselves ... 'there is just no happiness' :( But if we look closer... its there.... its meshed into & in between; the 'h' in hurt... the 'p' in pain ... the 's' in loss... It's there... but sometimes it's part of something we never thought it could be... it was there all along. We just have to find it!

I need to fly

I'm sitting in front the pc, checking mail & come across one that shows the top 15 skylines in the world. Suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling, screaming inside of me saying "I want to travel the entire world!" There is soooo much to see on this little earth of ours. 6.7 billion people... 6.7 billion lives! Amazing! I fall in the little teal colored part of the chart below.

On the 59th day...

There's always something so confusing about realization without cognitive reflection. The funny thing in my experience is that though cognition is supposed to be void of or contrasted with emotional and volitional processes, somehow, it's the latter that brings that realization to the front.

I woke up in my own bed after 58 days abroad & without a thought to what, why or how, the feeling of nothingness enveloped me in it's not so warm embrace. I didn't link it to anything of the past but for my own sanity sake, as the day weaned on & the feeling grew, I said to myself 'Ah yes, it's back to school time, sigh... & I'm not ready!' I stayed with my theory, milking it to tears, literally... until that realization came crashing down on me.

For the last 58 days I was on auto-pilot. Warping my mind into a narrow view of 'follow & be' w/o bothering to worry about worrying. I pretended with such conviction that I didn't know I was pretending anymore, that tomorrow will never come if I keep living for the now. But each now became yesterday & tomorrow was here. Though the fear was gnawing at me silently, I tried to suppress it, w/o acknowledging that there was something to be suppressed.

On the 59th day... I realized that there is nothing here devoid of responsibility and pain & I had to shatter the walls around my mind to let in all the worrisome details of life. The compromises, the angers, the hurt, the expectation & limitations. I had to weigh back in all the love, accomplishments and above all, the hope! & by God that shattering & merging was painful! The tears finally no longer unaccounted for. But it was worth it!

I don't know what to say. But a part of me wants to stay. I don't know what to do. I want to be here with you

But you're not here

Merry Christmas

I know i'm a bit late, but I just wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! Seasons Greetings & enjoy the rest of 2007.

The Hurt - The Anger

Where does this rage come from?
Where does the need to hate the ones we love
come from?
Sometimes we just want to reach out & hold them in our arms
& strangle them slowly, watching them squirm & writhe in silent pain!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation instigated by the above piece of writing:

Friend says:
hmmmm
Interesting
sure that felt good to get it out huh?

Tunks says:
i felt really guilty reading it after
& guilty even writing it
but it did feel good getting it out

Friend says:
why....
u know i kinda realise sometimes we jus need to feel the anger...the hate..and den most of the times its sadness underneath it all
and we jus need to get it out

Tunks says:
YEP!
'in order to get over something, u need to get tro it first'
it applies to anger as well
sometimes I jus need to really feel it!, cuz if i pretend that im not, or out of guilt supress it, then it becomes just that... supressed
& almost ALWAYS, at the bottom of it all - is hurt
...hurt from being disappointed, feeling foolish, having expectations not met, feeling underminded or disrespected
once a feeling of anger arises - its almost always because of hurt
...even if u've hurt urself

Blue October

And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his sh*t and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive

This is a excerpt of lyrics from the song "Drilled A Wire Through My Cheek" - Blue October

Unbelievable

People fascinate me.
People's ability to be rude, mean, disrespectful & downright evil...
People's ability to become detached, uncaring, seemingly oblivious & unfazed...
People's ability to hurt another person intentionally without a pang of remorse...

Fascination doesn’t cut it at all. It actually worries me... & above all, it scares me!

Why do they do it?
HOW could they do it?
Why do people do these things just because they can?

DISCLAIMER

Note to those who might decide to leave inappropriate, derogatory comments with profanity etc:

Next time, leave your correct name & contact info, not just Anonymous. Using Anonymous or any alias means you will be totally disregarded & the comment deemed to be a reflection of your own self opinion.

Sometimes...only sometimes

....Trauma. Pain. Abuse. Neglect. Loss. Illness. Grief....

Sometimes we become satisfied that the causal relationship exonerates us from any further responsibility or culpability.

Sometimes it explains everything.

Sometimes it excuses & relieves us of the responsibility for the ramifications & other damages that we do to ourselves & others.

Sometimes it's just too real.

But it's only sometimes. We choose to fill the spaces & make them wider, fuller & less frequent. We choose to recognize & recover.

We choose.

Possibility vs Certainty

This is one of my favorite quote from a book I read called 'Brick Lane' by Monica Ali

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,but what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older, is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

I really love this quote!