I'm trying...

I don't know what's more painful... loneliness, or trying to get out of it 

The truth is... I just can't stop crying. It hurts too much. I feel so lonely.
Now I'm just living in fear of losing everyone else that I love.
I don't even have a best friend anymore.
I can't stop crying... How many tears can one person have?!

A reason I love him

It's getting heavy

I have loved you forever

I miss reading

1 week ago I was sitting in a 3 hour long lecture, busy taking notes and I don't know what happened but I suddenly started to panic, I was looking around wildly trying to register where I was and what I was doing because in that moment, the thought hit me that Mom was dead. I couldn't tell if that was real or this was real. I kept watching around wondering if I was real and everyone around me was real. That's when the tears started. One week later, I still cannot stop crying. I just woke up crying. I went to sleep crying. I spent my entire of last night sporadically crying. I want to hurt myself to know if I'm real. 

I want to watch my thoughts like they are voyagers, sailing over the sea of my mind; my emotions as just the stirring of water behind -- then wait -- Calm

Start your new chapter

My days are lovely, painful; you hurt me and I love you

My first day back out for the Semester went pretty well. There was something so strange and almost precious about waking up all on my own and being responsible for myself and to myself in getting to class and doing what I had to do. I absolutely loved my first lecture! The course itself and the lecturer are both very intriguing. The walk back to Milner was long and tiresome but ... well *smirks* it was well worth it =)

Today, my second day, started off almost the opposite. I felt so sleepy, rundown and pained. I started my day by calling my dad, just to touch base before the day gets busy, then I did the needful and slowly laboured onto campus. I found myself chanting a mantra with EVERY step I took! In doing so, I became aware that I haven't quite finished learning how to walk again (Post THRs) so with each painful step, I made a conscious effort to lift, bend, go forward and drop, curl, lift, bend, go forward and drop... on and on and on and on. I started using muscles I rarely used before, all in the effort to widen my stride and appear more fluid.

I observed everyone walking pass me, and I really mean everyone. There was no human being who was behind me in any noticeable distance who did NOT overtake me at some point. It's unnerving and sometimes throws me into a real uncomfortable zone. After 10 minutes of walking, I finally had to remind myself that 'hey, you should be happy, you're walking with titanium hips... you're actually walking; something you couldn't exactly do a few years ago' ... So I trod over the dewy wet grass, letting the coolness caress my very painful tired feet and I smiled knowing that I've come a long way and I need to stop being so hard on myself.

Later in the day, my person and his friend and I all had class at the same time, so we quickly packed up our lunch and were heading on our way. I told them I'll walk with them since I'm going to class as well and it was on the way to their class. I actually was looking forward to having their company to class for a change, since it's very rare that our class times coincide. Now what happened next, I'm afraid I will admit, really hurt me. They, knowing I was coming with them, knowing we're going in the same direction for the same time, decided to walk on along at their own merry pace, leaving me behind. I feigned childish offence hoping he would at least remember 'oh right, she can't walk as fast as we do' but, with or without that registering in his mind, they still, for the entire walk, stayed well ahead of me, despite stopping at times to make sure I was following, but never letting me reach their sides. It was barely a minute if so much, but it was so humiliating for me. I was so hurt and angry! Why would you leave me behind if you KNOW I'm walking with you guys? Why stop to show that you are aware that I'm straggling behind, but never once let me reach up to you? I felt so horrible and ashamed and belittled and inadequate and disappointed and angry and... hurt.

Of course I didn't say or do anything about it since I had to go in my class and they had to go to theirs. It just really hurt me. I don't think its even fathomable to others how aware I am of my own limitations and how  hard I try to integrate myself into the normal workings of things. I may appear normal and whatever, but I'm battling with chronic pain and trying my best to hide those manyyyy little things I just cannot do! Case in point - I cannot walk fast, so I walk slowly ... and people would just think I LIKE to walk slowly, that it's just my thing. But that's far from it... I walk slowly because each step I take is a painful task, I'm terribly weak and the movement in itself, is a limited one.

Anyways, in writing this, I realize that after that midday incident; I somehow managed to orchestrate my situation such that I didn't have to walk with anyone again. I either went alone, or didn't go at all. Such is the power of betrayed trust and being hurt. Even with something as seemingly silly as this, I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to keep proving myself to the world in trying to fit in anymore. So rather than trying to put myself through the pain of trying to keep up or the humiliation of being left behind, I may have to walk alone... though I don't want to. I really don't want to. If it's anyone, I wish he won't do this to me again (I don't know how to tell him)

Tea and Books Reading Challenge

This challenge was inspired by C.S. Lewis' famous words, "You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."

You better settle in with a large cup of tea, because in this challenge you will only get to read ... wait for it ... books with more than 700 pages. I'm deadly serious. We all have a few of those tomes on our shelves and somehow the amount of pages often prevents us from finally picking them up. You may choose novels only, no short story collections or anthologies, and in case you're trying a short cut by picking large print editions of a book, well I'm sorry, those do not qualify for this challenge! Let's battle those tomes that have been collecting dust on our shelves, so no re-reads, please!

2 Books - Chamomile Lover (this will be the one I'll try)

4 Books - Berry Tea Devotee

6 Books - Earl Grey Aficionado

8 or more Books - Sencha Connoisseur

To sign up, please read the general rules below! Then post about the challenge on your blog, including the button above, and don't forget to link back to the Tea & Books Reading Challenge page on my blog!

*****

RULES

Anyone may join. Just leave a comment below with the following info:
Name / Blog (if you have one) / Chosen Level

I'll comprise a list with everyone and add it to this page!

Updates on the challenge will be posted on a regular basis and you may then comment with your own progress.

The challenge will take place between January 1st and December 31st 2012.

You can join any time between now and early 2012.

You have to pick a level, though you may "upgrade" to the next one at any time. In this case just drop me a line, so I can change your previous level.

You don't need to list your books ahead of time, though I won't object if you do. I'm definitely curious about your book choices for these challenges.

The books you choose may crossover into other challenges.

Both physical and eBooks are allowed, though personally I feel that especially the Tea & Books Reading Challenge is more fun with real books.

Reviews of the books read are not mandatory.

To sign up: Click ME!

Believe in Love

"When I try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past."

- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita

The Last Apprentice (Book Review)

Name: The Last Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch by Joseph Delaney

Date: 11.01.12

Link: http://amzn.com/B00570S19U

Hmmm where do I start? I decided to give this book a shot, since I had per-ordered it and got it free. It looked pretty interesting and the reviews were promising. I eventually dived head on and got sucked in. The writing is easy and flows well. It's the First person POV, in the voice of the young protagonist Tom, therefore it is pretty easy to read for a child. The story was good but something was lacking. Every buildup ended on a rather dull crescendo, but it did nonetheless, grip the reader all the way. It IS too scary for the younger spectrum age group, I have to admit that much. As an adult I find some of the things highly disturbing, worst yet for a child. Age is subjective though, so in all fairness, it should be okay for the slightly older ones. 

The one thing that soured this book for me, was a somewhat misogynist undertone. I was actually sad that it changed my feelings about the book as I read on, because I really wanted to totally love it! But there were some instances where it was not even subtle enough to get lost in the riveting reading itself. Suffice to say, I do believe that the series is promising and it is an entertaining read. There is room for improvement in character & plot development. I think the author got a bit sloppy with the story's linkages and tie ins and of course, in the 'sexist' commentary. I know the roles of men and women are indeed based on some reality, but it should not be so blatantly put forward in such an accepted way in a novel that's targeted at children.

This sickness

It's pulling me in again...
My loyalties are flying everywhere, bouncing off the walls, leaving splatters of blood, leaking in my brain.

It's gripping me from the inside...
I trust no one; all sense of love and care smashes to the floor bleeding into every uncertainty in my heart.

Plans be gone! Go away friends! Leave me alone relations!
It's not like I need to make it happen anyway, I'm abandoned all the same
Nothing really matters right now, just this vice on my mind, shattering my sanity and letting it ooze ... away

Why?

Why?? Why why why? Whyyyyyy! Why ma? Whyyyyyy did you have to die?? Why like that? Why sooooo soon? Why now?! I need you Ma!! :'(

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I think I should give up the Ghost

Dark Sessions

Dark Sessions - Couldn't help but be captivated by this picture. You can see the blogger's complete works from that session here: http://laperm.wordpress.com/2012/01/06/dark-sessions/

HATE me

Sometimes I really hate myself
I don't recall ever having so much self loathing earlier in my life.
I hate myself so much sometimes that I want to just get away from everything and everyone. I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where no one knows me and nobody cares and there is nobody for me to disappoint or hurt, except myself.
I hate myself so much sometimes because I feel betrayed and alone and I start hating everyone! And then I hate myself for feeling that way. I miss everyone so much that I start hating them and myself. I feel so unbelievably HOPELESS! An absolute failure as a person. I hurt everyone who loves me and everyone hurts me. Life is full of pain and disappointment. Where did that happy me go? I love life and I love the world, yet now I hate me! Wtf is wrong with me?! WHY do I feel this way, so STRONGLY! It's irrational, but so god damn real! *sighs*

Paper in my throat

3:40am, Monday before Christmas 2011

I come off of my bed because I cannot sleep. I've read out 2 books for the night, lovely little short kids stories, yet I feel uncomfortable. My throat feels tight. I initially think it's because of the position of my head on the pillow as I'm curled up reading, but after two days of this tightness, even I couldn't fool myself any longer to blame it all on posture. So I came off bed and hobbled down the stairs. My back, shoulder and neck aches so much, and my knee is a bit stiff. The pain meds I took earlier has alleviated some of the back pain but the general feeling of tightness and strain still lingers. My neck just gets worst. My head starts hurting and I wonder if maybe I am dehydrated. Downstairs now, I make myself a cuppa hot chocolate and gulped rather than sipped it slowly. With each motion of this comfort drink squeezing down my throat, it starts dawning on me, as slowly but as inescapable as the first light of day, that I need... to cry. The tightness in my chest, tightness in my throat, ache in my back and neck and tension in my head, are all the repercussions of grief suppressed. The vivid, anxiety type dreams should have indicated this to me sooner, but as usual, I am a master of denial. I need to cry and holding it all inside of me these past 2 to 3 days is doing me no good, no good at all. 

I finished my cuppa hot chocolate and felt compelled to type this. I should mention, while drinking, I opened my bank statement and noticed for the first time there was no increase of $100. No more mommy = no more salary = no more automatic transfer of $100 a month to my savings account. Trivial as it may seem, there's nothing more potent than the rawness of our materialistic 'reality' to trigger a purposeful allowance for concern. Though the money may be of little consequence, the fact that she's gone screams at me in fine green writing on a three fold sheet of paper with my name on it.

A rant allowed

I hate myself today
I hated myself yesterday
I don't want to hate myself tomorrow
But for now?
I hate me! I wanna suffer for just being such a stupid pathetic fool

I will let you down

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

A Girl You Should Date

A Girl You Should Date

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

– Rosemarie Urquico –

A Christmas Carol

I read this book countless times as a kid! Now that I'm a big girl now, I figure I should read the original, unabridged version with all the beautiful literary prose of the 1840's :) - My Christmas treat to myself.  Who's with me? (it's free on kindle) - Click Me

Dear Ma

Dear Ma,
Where are you? I really miss you!
It hurts more and more each day. Is this just the beginning? I didn't think it would get worst as time goes by... the pain of losing you... missing you... being confused. I'm so sorry Ma. For everything!!! I was selfish and impatient and ignorant and I didn't stop to truly recognize how much you were trying... not until it was too late. It breaks my heart ma, it BREAKS my heart... that you fought so hard even up till the end, if not for you, but to protect me :( ... I believed you! I honestly believed you when you said you were gonna be okay and you would live to play with your grand-kids. Was I that naive? Did you really believe it too? Was that what you wanted? Did death just take you away? Were you ready? Were you protecting me from the truth? Were you preparing me? Were you scared? ... You begged me not to leave you :( You begged me not to leave you alone... and I promised I won't. I promised I would stay... (but I couldn't) ... and then, that was the last thing you ever said to me Ma. I don't know how to deal with this... with you being gone. I still can't accept it. It hurts so much - each moment of pain is just as fresh and raw and real as the previous... if not worst. I'm so sorry ma... I forgive you for everything! I'm SO sorry I wasn't better. I'm so sorry... I just can't believe it Ma. I haven't told ppl about the last few days... not even Kevin knows of how hard and scary that was for me... and for you. I would NEVER forget the look on your face when the ambulance was taking you away. Gosh ma... I promised you it was going to be okay. I would NEVER forget the night before when I was holding you in my arms, you said that it felt so good, like you're in Vykunt... Why did you have to die now Ma? It's not supposed to be this way. You promised me! That you will not die till I'm married with my own kids. Why did I blindly believe that??
What about the stupid Astrologers in India? He didn't say you were going to die just a few months later!! He lied to us both! I hate him. Ma... why didn't I know that you were really going to die? Why didn't I know? Did you know? I cry all the time now Ma... Tears and pain is all I have right now. I miss you so much Ma! Do you know that? Are you here with me? Are you reading this? I need you to know, that I'm not okay and if you can see this, please... please... help me be okay again. I miss you Ma. There's a hollow churning void inside of me now... and no one can really understand that. Part of me died with you Ma. I love you

This is so me

Grrrrrrr

As I am typing this, I feel a sort of zap in my brain and my heart is pounding. I'm making efforts to take deep breaths.

Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.

Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and  disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- Macbeth 

That Perfect Moment

I lie there, wrapped up in you,

You're always a few inches above me;

I look up at your beautiful face,

Your eyes closed, I'm where I should be exactly

Warm skin, gentle touch, steady breathing 

My senses buried in layers of you,

My mouth smiles, my heart aches

and I know that I love you, I really do