The second birthday without you

I brought in midnight the day of my birthday today, thinking about you Mom. This is the 2nd birthday I'm having without you here with me. 21 months without you. One would think I would come to terms with it by now, but I'm far from that. Maybe I never will. Not a day goes by without me missing you. I still find myself in that shocked moment of utter disbelief that you're really no longer here. I still have so much to change, for the better, and I promise in this my 27th year of life, that I will do them if not for me, then for you. You're still my ultimate place of comfort and until the day I die as well, I will always be trying to find that back. You are the reason I am having a birthday today. Thank you for giving me life. I love you Mommy. I always will.

Self hate comes in many forms

I’m such an idiot! Yesterday evening we bought a large pizza. I had 3 slices! Last night I got a terrible diarrhoea and knew it was the pizza. What do I do about it? I ate the last 2 slices today! And again, more diarrhoea. The sad part is not just that I did it willingly, but that I did it thinking ‘Guess I won’t be absorbing all these calories if my body is not tolerating it’

Truer words were never spoken

“There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”

—	Christopher Moore

Enough?

What if it’s never enough? When if I never get what my soul longs for? What if I never stop needing and searching? What if I do? What if I just lose myself, in loving you

Tea saves

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever survive the rest of my life without a cup of tea. It's one of the most enjoyable and defining  moments of my day. I swear, I feel like it saves me! It really does save me

2013

• Be more compassionate with my dad
• Be more compassionate with my bf
• Go to UWI's pool 
• Clean up clutter
• Take better care of my body
• Aim for an A+ in Motivation and Emotion
• Aim for an A+ in Organisational Behaviour
• Aim for A's in Cognitive Psych and Physiological Psych
• Get more rest
• Drink more water
• Have more wine
• Learn to relax
• Study every day 
• Be prepared for my classes
• Do a mani and pedi
• Get a professional massage
• Read 50 books
• Prepare some of my own meals
• Lose 30 pounds
• Learnt to reverse park with ease
• Start learning a new language
• Play chess

No matter

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal
the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from
us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left
completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin
from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in
silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time,
bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often
adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a
feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”

—	haruki murakami

Draw me an Owl

I'm having a strong urge to draw again and I want to draw an Owl. I haven't been drawing in years. I miss it.

And thus, here I am

I went home for one night this weekend and immediately thought "Why can't I just stay home and study until exams start!" ... home is soooooooo comfortable! All the carpet and beds and space and excellent wifi and unlimited food supply. I would also have peace and quiet since my house is big enough. Then there's woofie! I can hug him up all the time!

I woke up the next morning, haunted by memories of my Mom... memories triggered from just being at home, seeing everything, feeling her absence

The decision was then made for me. Though being in my apartment means fending for myself, scavenging for food, operating in a tiny space, dealing with the almost constant noise from my flat-mates (like at this very moment); it's ultimately the better alternative, since being at home will just be me... in tears.

No haunted mind is able to study for finals

My brain is like 'Fill In The Blanks'

It's been happening more than chance could explain. For the past few weeks, I keep finding myself stopping while speaking to find a word I was going to say. It's like my brain is on dial-up when it comes to sourcing stored information - something as simple as nouns! Simple words...I'm pausing in an awkward blank moment

My exam stress pattern

Studying for exams gets me stressed. I get stressed while studying for exams.
I'm finally realizing that my exam stress mode manifests in a number of ways:
I get moody... all sorts of moody.
Depressed, frustrated, despondent, hopeless
Then I get aggressive... all sorts of violent.
Angry, frustrated, murderous thoughts, destructive tendencies
I'm also very snappy
Lack of patience, lack of contact with people, lack of forbearance
I become needy
My sleeping suffers - either I can't sleep or I can't stay awake
I eat terribly - caffeine caffeine caffeine, snacks, junk, constant munching or no eating at all
I gain weight
I break down. I cry. I cry a lot.
I waste time. I procrastinate.
I start hating myself - a lot! I go through hours of regret and self berating.
Sick - I get really sick
Pain pain pain - RA flares, headaches, neck pain, fever, nausea, indigestion
Acceptance - I sometimes give up and give in.
Yet SOMEHOW, through all this... I manage to get work done and do marginally well
If I spent as much time studying as I did stressing, I would be a genius

Delinquent

So I heard from a friend, that a girl in my class (whom I don't know) thinks I'm a 'delinquent' because I'm always on (Facebook etc) on my laptop in class. She is right about the laptop thing, because I type all my notes, I don't write at all! She is also right about me being on Facebook etc since I have this inexplicable ability to never concentrate in a class (thank you ADD). But as my friend corrected her, I do have a 4.0 GPA (yes I admit it) and I'm pretty much topping most of my classes. So what concerns me is why am I so bummy about hearing that talk about me? It's a simple case of mistaken appearances but somehow, despite me knowing better, I still feel bad... it still bothers me. Sighs

Words to remember

Something broke

How can I be happy? I'm finding it so hard to be a happy person when inside I feel like screaming and stabbing myself to end the pain of losing you. Death is supposed to be natural, but 1 year later and I still can't let it go... I still can't believe it... I still can't stop feeling like a part of me died with you. I'm filled with so much loneliness, fear and anger. It scares me

There's more to a kiss and everything in death

... and sometimes there's that terrifying moment where though I know I want more, I wonder if it would ever be enough. Maybe it's a void I'm trying to fill that just never can be, because what was yanked out of me cannot be replaced - ever. But what makes this more frightening is that maybe there is more, just not from where I want it

I love this

Flowers in the Attic

Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


When I was a budding teen, my mom always warned me never to read this mysterious 'Flowers in the Attic' book. Now more than a decade later, I am SO glad I heeded her back then! I HATED this story!!! and as such, I give it 5 STARS. Peculiar huh? It's not because I liked it, or really liked it (according to goodreads lesser star meanings) but because it was indeed amazing! I found myself so engrossed in this book that I entirely forgot that it was fiction, I even found myself locked in my room reading constantly forgetting that maybe I should (and CAN) come out. The story sucked me in and I cringed and protested and hated every second of it but for an author to wield a story that reads so simply, yet evokes such intense feeling of loathing and distress, I have nothing but admiration and amazement. I can say without a doubt, this was one of the most disturbing books I've ever read and I will never, ever forget it. Suffice it to say, when I have kids, I would give them to same advice as my mom gave me :p



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Overweight

You know that point in your life when that one thing that bothers you begins screaming in your ear? It's not as if it's been silent all along, but you've just conveniently muffled the sound until one day at some odd hour of the afternoon you suddenly realize that your life has become that problem! I've reached the point where I cannot see someone without first thinking that they would be thinking how terribly overweight I've become. To compound on that, I tend to avoid people I've known for a long time and places I used to normally go because I just hate to be seen like this. This is the moment of no return, the realization that complaining about it is just the tip of the iceberg of emotional damage being done and now... I can't ignore it. Walking around feeling constantly ashamed of oneself is akin to twisting a dagger slowly into the gut.

Oh Harry!

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Thirteen years later, I am re-reading this book for the first time! I totally enjoyed it, probably much more than my young mind could have back then. I kept bumbling with a mixture of delight and sad nostalgia reading about characters knowing what I know now having read the entire series. I can't wait for my kids to read this series!!!



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Because I have Anger issues

Dear God, the Universe and Future me,
Please give me patience (lots of patience) when I need to be patient
Acceptance when I need to accept (and let go)
and Courage when I need to do it on my own
Yours Sincerely,
Me

Should I?

Lately I've found myself wondering something quite strange really and it sort of revolves around the question 'Should I continue living?' It feels almost as if I have a choice in the matter, like I can just switch a knob and turn my life on or off. It brings into question my own mortality lately.

I'm suffering (yes I'm using the word suffering) from a chronic disease for more than half my life and if I stop to take notice, I can't help but wonder how long can the human body survive with all these medication I keep pumping into it day and night, nonstop. For quality of life reasons, I need the meds, but is that at the cost of quantity? I can't tell what would kill me faster; the disease or the medication. But I do know that health wise, it's never going to be easy and could only get worst as my body naturally ages.How much more pain can I bare?

So yes, that brings me back to the question - Should I continue living?

I love life, but what's the point anymore? Even love hurts me. Life hurts.

And then of course, if I continue living, I would have to face the death of all my loved ones around me. I'm still struggling to function after mom's death; maybe I should stop. 

But again, I don't exactly have that switch ... that choice

It just doesn't work like that, not really.

 

Reading a good book

A Thousand Splendid Suns

A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This was one insanely sad book! Amazingly written with characters so real you will never be able to shake them... but so, so very sad.



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Prince of Thorns

Prince of Thorns by Mark  Lawrence

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


Wow... so, this was quite something! I've never read a book quite like this before; mixed genres of medieval epic fantasy type with an underlying dystopian background. There were scenes that made my blood crawl and some that scared me into stopping what I was reading. There were many laugh out loud moments that caught me so off guard and even more so since I really should not have been laughing; such is the power of a good antihero. I commend Mark Lawrence's writing! Dialogue and prose of this caliber is very rarely seen in breakthrough novelists. The main character Jorg is one you would never, ever forget! All in all, I enjoyed this book despite reading a genre I rarely ever do (fantasy) Can't wait for the 2nd installment 'King of Thorns'



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You never deigned to believe

Sometimes while Lolita would be haphazardly preparing her homework, sucking a pencil, lolling sideways in an easy chair with both legs over its arm, I would shed all my pedagogic restraint, dismiss all our quarrels, forget all my masculine pride – and literally crawl on my knees to your chair, my Lolita! You would give me one look – a gray furry question mark of a look: “Oh no, not again” (incredulity, exasperation); for you never deigned to believe that I could, without any specific designs, ever crave to bury my face in your plaid skirt, my darling! The fragility of those bare arms of yours – how I longed to enfold them, all your four limpid lovely limbs, a folded colt, and take your head between my unworthy hands, and pull the temple skin back on both sides, and kiss your chinesed eyes, and – “Pulease, leave me alone, will you” you would say, “for Christ’s sake leave me alone.” And I would get up from the floor while you looked on, your face deliberately twitching in imitation of my tic nerveux. But never mind, never mind, I am only a brute, never mind, let us go on with my miserable story.

Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov 

Part 2, chapter 10

A past I've never known

'Hey' she said, an obvious smile in her voice as he showed up out of the blue and leaned over her.

I saw her hand caressing his arm, in the most natural of ways.

Tiny hands, thin fingers. Nails long, blunt cut and painted.

Her fingers gently weaving a story on his skin with supple ease of motion 

I stood there a few feet behind them, unmoving 

and for a brief moment, all I could think was

"Those were the hands that touched him; that's the touch he felt"

Though he's now mine, he was once hers

The Book Sniffer

From: Mid-Week Moment of Zen (featuring The Book Sniffer)

The Pencil

I really love my Pencil. The weight is so nicely distributed - a solid feel that practically pulls you towards the tip ♥

Sighssssss

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had spent more time... just more time, because I didn't know that was all the time I had left
I wish I didn't have to spend my first birthday without you next week
I wish I still had you here for mothers day... what am I going to do?
I'm sorry ma...