Monday, September 08, 2014

Retreat

I'm teeming with a host of negative emotions. Angry, hurt, annoyed, guilty, foolish, used, weary and tired... so very tired. What a seriously messed up way to feel. I need to get this out and get back to myself again... alone

Saturday, September 06, 2014

On bed

As soon as I remove myself from being the strong one, I fall apart. It's sickening

Friday, September 05, 2014


Far removed

One of the hardest thing about having MDD, is the arbitrariness of time when sadness and hopelessness hits. I've been on medication for more than 3 years so far, varying doses as well and all efforts to come off it has left me in a worst place than before. Putting that aside, it's the sadness though. Where does it come from? What does it want? The fatigue, listlessness and fear... What is it in a chemical imbalance that makes it so potent? I guess that's how it goes with the human body, the simplistic and smallest of errors can be detrimental. Yet I wish that this sort of logical explanation could work as a bandage on this wound - but that's the thing with depression, it's always far removed.

Can't have them all

It's been such an emotionally confusing day. I'm questioning things about myself, like how good of a person can I really be if I can find it in me to harbour such emotions and thoughts. More importantly, why?

Tuesday, April 01, 2014

Why do I let myself suffer for so long?

I'm constantly in pain, and it's only getting worse. I'm losing my ability to do more and more things each day... Need to do treatment...

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Waves

It's said that grief comes in waves and it's punctuated by important events in our lives... well this is one. When you lose a parent, there is no milestone untarnished by the yearning for their presence and the fact they are no longer there, hurts all the more... sigh :'(

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

I need you

I need your help, advice and guidance so much right now Ma... :'(
This is such a helpless feeling... I need you
Why did it have to be that you're not here?
I hate death!

Friday, January 03, 2014

Trauma comes in small doses

He lay sleeping next to me but I couldn't sleep any more...
I woke with a flare
I quietly (or at least I tried) came off the bed to get a prednislone tablet
But then this happened...
I could not open the door. It was not locked or jammed. I just could not grip the knob. Could not turn it. My hands were flared that badly.
I stood there in slight panic, peeking at him as he slept, dying a little inside at the idea of having to wake him to open a door for me ....

Thursday, January 02, 2014

To-be-read Pile 2014 Reading Challenge


I'm Joining this challenge - I've got wayyyy too many books piled on my shelves waiting to be read.

Due to school demands, I'm going to aim for the most basic level:
LEVEL 1: 1-10 books - A Firm Handshake

CLICK HERE to view this challenge if you guys want to join me! ^_^

2014

  • Love myself
  • Lose 20lbs
  • Aim for A's in all my 2nd semester courses
  • Check up on my dad more often
  • Be more compassionate
  • Read more books than I have for 2013
  • Be more proactive with school work
  • Take my medication as I should
  • Meditate
  • Clean up clutter  
  • Revisit and be mindful of these resolutions 

Wednesday, December 04, 2013

The irrationality of pain

A part of me believed that when you died, you would have taken this pain away from me, that I would have finally been healed. The immensity of the sacrifice seemed to merit it - that was the level of my denial… and my need

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Realizing a childhood dream

I started cross-stitching yesterday. I eagerly ordered a kit online complete with pattern, cloth, thread and needle. I started doing it all wrong and had to start over. 24 hrs later, my work is a lot neater! The first few lines of stitches look terrible in the back - and a bit in front. But it's so lovely seeing how things change with just a little more experience. Progress! It's killing my hands though, I really need to get a loop to hold the cloth taunt. As you can see in the picture, the left is neat and I have my tail tied nicely. On the right was my epic mess! This is the back of the cloth by the way.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

I wish you were here to see

Dear Ma
Today was a big day for me. I missed you a lot during it all.
Firstly, I drove into POS by myself - heart of Port of Spain! I had to get to the corner of Duke and Abercromby for an interview and then I took Fredrick street all the way out. All I kept thinking about was all the times I came POS with you --- on official business or shopping for curtains. Now look at me... having to do it on my own.
Secondly, today I got signed for my very first job. I still can't believe it. Thank you for bringing me up involved in the Sai Organisations because all the service and outreach programmes I've done has helped me tremendously during interviews. Not forgetting the work with the newsletter and bulletin. And like you said, children get their brains from their mothers and I have a pretty high GPA. So that helped as well. I'll be working in San'do, not too far from your school.
Lastly, I got another A in a final exam. It's most likely going to be my only A since this past semester was terrible for me exam wise.
I love you and miss you sooooo much!
PS: I'm gonna be wearing all your work suits (it's what got me through these past few weeks of interviews, including getting the job today)

Wednesday, May 08, 2013

The second birthday without you

I brought in midnight the day of my birthday today, thinking about you Mom. This is the 2nd birthday I'm having without you here with me. 21 months without you. One would think I would come to terms with it by now, but I'm far from that. Maybe I never will. Not a day goes by without me missing you. I still find myself in that shocked moment of utter disbelief that you're really no longer here. I still have so much to change, for the better, and I promise in this my 27th year of life, that I will do them if not for me, then for you. You're still my ultimate place of comfort and until the day I die as well, I will always be trying to find that back. You are the reason I am having a birthday today. Thank you for giving me life. I love you Mommy. I always will.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Self hate comes in many forms

I’m such an idiot! Yesterday evening we bought a large pizza. I had 3 slices! Last night I got a terrible diarrhoea and knew it was the pizza. What do I do about it? I ate the last 2 slices today! And again, more diarrhoea. The sad part is not just that I did it willingly, but that I did it thinking ‘Guess I won’t be absorbing all these calories if my body is not tolerating it’

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Truer words were never spoken

There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.
Christopher Moore

Saturday, February 09, 2013

Enough?


What if it’s never enough? When if I never get what my soul longs for? What if I never stop needing and searching? What if I do? What if I just lose myself, in loving you

Monday, February 04, 2013

Tea saves

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever survive the rest of my life without a cup of tea. It's one of the most enjoyable and defining  moments of my day. I swear, I feel like it saves me! It really does save me

Sunday, January 20, 2013

2013

  • Be more compassionate with my dad
  • Be more compassionate with my bf
  • Go to UWI's pool 
  • Clean up clutter
  • Take better care of my body
  • Aim for an A+ in Motivation and Emotion
  • Aim for an A+ in Organisational Behaviour
  • Aim for A's in Cognitive Psych and Physiological Psych
  • Get more rest
  • Drink more water
  • Have more wine
  • Learn to relax
  • Study every day 
  • Be prepared for my classes
  • Do a mani and pedi
  • Get a professional massage
  • Read 50 books
  • Prepare some of my own meals
  • Lose 30 pounds
  • Learnt to reverse park with ease
  • Start learning a new language
  • Play chess

Saturday, December 15, 2012

No matter

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal
the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from
us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left
completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin
from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in
silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time,
bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often
adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a
feeling of immeasurable emptiness.
haruki murakami


Monday, December 03, 2012

Draw me an Owl

I'm having a strong urge to draw again and I want to draw an Owl. I haven't been drawing in years. I miss it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

And thus, here I am

I went home for one night this weekend and immediately thought "Why can't I just stay home and study until exams start!" ... home is soooooooo comfortable! All the carpet and beds and space and excellent wifi and unlimited food supply. I would also have peace and quiet since my house is big enough. Then there's woofie! I can hug him up all the time!

I woke up the next morning, haunted by memories of my Mom... memories triggered from just being at home, seeing everything, feeling her absence

The decision was then made for me. Though being in my apartment means fending for myself, scavenging for food, operating in a tiny space, dealing with the almost constant noise from my flat-mates (like at this very moment); it's ultimately the better alternative, since being at home will just be me... in tears.

No haunted mind is able to study for finals

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

My brain is like 'Fill In The Blanks'

It's been happening more than chance could explain. For the past few weeks, I keep finding myself stopping while speaking to find a word I was going to say. It's like my brain is on dial-up when it comes to sourcing stored information - something as simple as nouns! Simple words...I'm pausing in an awkward blank moment

Friday, November 16, 2012

My exam stress pattern


Studying for exams gets me stressed. I get stressed while studying for exams.
I'm finally realizing that my exam stress mode manifests in a number of ways:
I get moody... all sorts of moody.
Depressed, frustrated, despondent, hopeless
Then I get aggressive... all sorts of violent.
Angry, frustrated, murderous thoughts, destructive tendencies
I'm also very snappy
Lack of patience, lack of contact with people, lack of forbearance
I become needy
My sleeping suffers - either I can't sleep or I can't stay awake
I eat terribly - caffeine caffeine caffeine, snacks, junk, constant munching or no eating at all
I gain weight
I break down. I cry. I cry a lot.
I waste time. I procrastinate.
I start hating myself - a lot! I go through hours of regret and self berating.
Sick - I get really sick
Pain pain pain - RA flares, headaches, neck pain, fever, nausea, indigestion
Acceptance - I sometimes give up and give in.
Yet SOMEHOW, through all this... I manage to get work done and do marginally well
If I spent as much time studying as I did stressing, I would be a genius

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Delinquent

So I heard from a friend, that a girl in my class (whom I don't know) thinks I'm a 'delinquent' because I'm always on (Facebook etc) on my laptop in class. She is right about the laptop thing, because I type all my notes, I don't write at all! She is also right about me being on Facebook etc since I have this inexplicable ability to never concentrate in a class (thank you ADD). But as my friend corrected her, I do have a 4.0 GPA (yes I admit it) and I'm pretty much topping most of my classes. So what concerns me is why am I so bummy about hearing that talk about me? It's a simple case of mistaken appearances but somehow, despite me knowing better, I still feel bad... it still bothers me. Sighs

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Something broke

How can I be happy? I'm finding it so hard to be a happy person when inside I feel like screaming and stabbing myself to end the pain of losing you. Death is supposed to be natural, but 1 year later and I still can't let it go... I still can't believe it... I still can't stop feeling like a part of me died with you. I'm filled with so much loneliness, fear and anger. It scares me