The irrationality of pain

A part of me believed that when you died, you would have taken this pain away from me, that I would have finally been healed. The immensity of the sacrifice seemed to merit it - that was the level of my denial… and my need

Realizing a childhood dream

I started cross-stitching yesterday. I eagerly ordered a kit online complete with pattern, cloth, thread and needle. I started doing it all wrong and had to start over. 24 hrs later, my work is a lot neater! The first few lines of stitches look terrible in the back - and a bit in front. But it's so lovely seeing how things change with just a little more experience. Progress! It's killing my hands though, I really need to get a loop to hold the cloth taunt. As you can see in the picture, the left is neat and I have my tail tied nicely. On the right was my epic mess! This is the back of the cloth by the way.

I wish you were here to see

Dear Ma
Today was a big day for me. I missed you a lot during it all.
Firstly, I drove into POS by myself - heart of Port of Spain! I had to get to the corner of Duke and Abercromby for an interview and then I took Fredrick street all the way out. All I kept thinking about was all the times I came POS with you --- on official business or shopping for curtains. Now look at me... having to do it on my own.
Secondly, today I got signed for my very first job. I still can't believe it. Thank you for bringing me up involved in the Sai Organisations because all the service and outreach programmes I've done has helped me tremendously during interviews. Not forgetting the work with the newsletter and bulletin. And like you said, children get their brains from their mothers and I have a pretty high GPA. So that helped as well. I'll be working in San'do, not too far from your school.
Lastly, I got another A in a final exam. It's most likely going to be my only A since this past semester was terrible for me exam wise.
I love you and miss you sooooo much!
PS: I'm gonna be wearing all your work suits (it's what got me through these past few weeks of interviews, including getting the job today)

The second birthday without you

I brought in midnight the day of my birthday today, thinking about you Mom. This is the 2nd birthday I'm having without you here with me. 21 months without you. One would think I would come to terms with it by now, but I'm far from that. Maybe I never will. Not a day goes by without me missing you. I still find myself in that shocked moment of utter disbelief that you're really no longer here. I still have so much to change, for the better, and I promise in this my 27th year of life, that I will do them if not for me, then for you. You're still my ultimate place of comfort and until the day I die as well, I will always be trying to find that back. You are the reason I am having a birthday today. Thank you for giving me life. I love you Mommy. I always will.

Self hate comes in many forms

I’m such an idiot! Yesterday evening we bought a large pizza. I had 3 slices! Last night I got a terrible diarrhoea and knew it was the pizza. What do I do about it? I ate the last 2 slices today! And again, more diarrhoea. The sad part is not just that I did it willingly, but that I did it thinking ‘Guess I won’t be absorbing all these calories if my body is not tolerating it’

Truer words were never spoken

“There’s a fine edge to new grief, it severs nerves, disconnects reality—there’s mercy in a sharp blade. Only with time, as the edge wears, does the real ache begin.”

—	Christopher Moore

Enough?

What if it’s never enough? When if I never get what my soul longs for? What if I never stop needing and searching? What if I do? What if I just lose myself, in loving you

Tea saves

Sometimes I wonder how I could ever survive the rest of my life without a cup of tea. It's one of the most enjoyable and defining  moments of my day. I swear, I feel like it saves me! It really does save me

2013

• Be more compassionate with my dad
• Be more compassionate with my bf
• Go to UWI's pool 
• Clean up clutter
• Take better care of my body
• Aim for an A+ in Motivation and Emotion
• Aim for an A+ in Organisational Behaviour
• Aim for A's in Cognitive Psych and Physiological Psych
• Get more rest
• Drink more water
• Have more wine
• Learn to relax
• Study every day 
• Be prepared for my classes
• Do a mani and pedi
• Get a professional massage
• Read 50 books
• Prepare some of my own meals
• Lose 30 pounds
• Learnt to reverse park with ease
• Start learning a new language
• Play chess