Happy Birthday

Dear Mum,

Today was your birthday. I didn't leave the house today, but when I do, I think I might buy you some flowers, or maybe I should just pick one.

You know they say that the souls of loved ones looks after us, and everyone keeps reassuring me that you're there somewhere taking care of us. But how long does this last for? I guess time is different here on earth... maybe time is irrelevant where you are. It's like in the movie Interstellar. Hmmm... if that is the case, then as long as I am alive in this body, you will be looking after me.

I'm doing my Masters now and it's the last 2 weeks of my first semester. I feel so incredibly overwhelmed and so hopeless and worthless. I keep thinking that it's so much work to do and I feel as though I don't even know where to start or how to do anything. But I just remembered something... that you did your masters too and you said that you can't be the only one. You won't.

I love you forever. Happy Birthday Mummy

4 weeks of a flare

Times like this I find myself juggling between wanting to just give up and die right now...
Or get better and fight like hell for everything

Do you know how depressing things is? I'm struggling to move my joints and stand on my own... and what are they doing?

So much re-evaluation at a time where it's either perfect or terrible to. What am I looking forward to? Can you make this worth it? Make it worth it.

Real suffering

I'm just lying here, listening to my body and feeling every ounce of pain. It's not just the pain associated with moving or not being able to move, but I'm just lying still as ever and feeling this strong, relentless pain travel through my leg - up and down, radiating and wrapping around.

It's just amazing. Truly, I am amazed! Amazed at how much pain the body can create and feel. How horrible it feels. How little control we have over it sometimes. Like right now... I'm on all the meds I can safely take (and legally - though that might change) ... and yet I'm on a 8/10 pain scale while lying still, and would surely shoot up to a 9.5/10 if I try moving. That's when my heart rate goes up way pass the 100bpm it's already at and my head goes dizzy, I see lights dancing around my vision and the sounds of pain escape me.

This has been my week. Every day. No relief.

0 - 100 in 30 flat

It's the middle of March and I'm blogging for the first time for the year really...
Today, I went to see a new doctor who deals with gut issues.
What I needed most was really a sedative because I left there so incredibly stressed that I broke into tears at a traffic light while driving in a daze. Then my neck started hurting so terribly and before you know it, I've a full blown migraine. All this in the space of 30 minutes.
I am still in awe at how instantaneously my body reacted to the perils of my mind...
Also, I really hate RA. It's killing me

New year 2015

2014 was quite a packed year.
Final year project, final exams, graduation!
Made new friends and started working
Drove many new places
Gave up my apartment
Fostered lots of kittens
Lost a few pets

2015, here we go!