Wait for me my loves... my dear books

I believe it was the week before Christmas 2010 that I was casually strolling through the isles of Nigel R Khan book store in Gulf. Of course it seemed like a casual stroll, when in reality I was a hyper little bunny who couldn't keep my eager hands off the brand new books which in turn couldn't keep their eyes off me. We have an interesting relationship, books and I.

A fellow patron and myself ended up in conversation where she started recommending books for me. Imagine my eager responses! She was quite passionate about the J.D. Robb series. In addition to never reading a J.D. Robb book, I've never even read a Nora Roberts (both are the same author btw). I found this entire encounter really interesting and very refreshing. It was so nice talking to a random stranger who shared a passion for books as much as I do. There wasn't an ounce of 'boasting' in her tone or vibe, she was genuinely recommending books and talking about them. Even when she reached into her bag and pulled out her iPad (omg she has an iPad) ... she really wanted to show me the books she had stored on it and how awesome it was to read e-books. She even had a kindle! (not on her @ the moment though)

Clearly she was from foreign... so I helped direct her to a spot in the mall where she can get wireless connection and we went our separate ways.

Now a few short weeks later, I find myself actually seriously considering the possibility of purchasing a kindle myself. I remember when it first came out, how amazed and scared I was at the same time. I immediately thought that that was something I could never possibly own. I was also afraid of the idea of using an e-reader and not having the paper books in my hands. But now... the kindle has wireless and I can download books for free! The free-ness, sad to say, is the definitive factor in this change of mind. I think it was the idea of actually buying a book that I couldn't see, hold, smell and cradle in my lap that made me nervous before.

Anyways, I think I will buy one. I have however decided to not be hasty since I have a lot of actual real books sitting on my shelves, waiting to be read. I think the wait would make the gratification even sweeter. Plus I won't feel guilty about my investment by having my un-read books watch me with those sad sad eyes...

2011 has met me half way :)

2009 going into 2010 I set it in my mind that according to my own timing, the following year in Tunks world is gonna consist of 2 years in the Gregorian calender. So this, the beginning of 2011... is but my half way point! 


There is much I can say now about the 1st half of this journey I'm on but I think I will revisit it later. 


For now, just for good measure, I would like to reflect on an entry I shared exactly 4 years ago; the basic sentiments of which I believe still stands:

The clock striked 12...It officially brought in the New Year 2007. It’s amazing that just a concept of numbers, time and expectation of ramifications of the latter, could bring about such a sudden and drastic change in mentality and moods world wide!

Considering the lawlessness and undercurrent of panic that seeps into every family, in every home and into everyone's heart...maybe we need more than 1 declared 'new year' per year. Let's make it a new year every month, or even better, let’s delight in positivity and hopefulness each and every morning! Why not celebrate the rising of the sun every day? Obviously we're not going to drink 'till we can't remember our names and create fog in a Caribbean island with countless Fireworks going off every night...but we can carry that feeling within us, every day. Awake with our daily resolutions, the joy of a new beginning or the improvement of a current endeavor. Out with the pain and regret and grudges... and in with the pure essence of love, happiness and overall peace of mind, in our homes, communities, societies, countries and in the world throughout!

Happy New Day!

Where am I?

Where the hell am I?
Where do I want to be?
Am I somewhere special? Does this special make me out of the normz scene? Do I wanna be in the normz scene? Does special make me less or more?
Where am I? Does wanting more normz make me less special?
What if I want both?
What if I want the frequency of normz and the exclusivity of special?
What if I cannot get both?
Where am I in all of this?

Believe, in the resolute urgency of now

Omg... I just realized that I just might be insane!

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result... then by golly I've totally lost my mind!! I've lost my mind months now! ..... what have I been doing? The SAME thing, that's what! I'm being serious here... this is not a satirical rant.... it's an actual realization. It's so commonplace, this little saying... but it's only now that it's really hit home.

Think about it! We do the same thing over and over... we keep being 'ourselves'... we stay within our box of comfort and expect things/ppl around us to change. We cross our fingers hoping that 'this time' the circumstances would be different such that the reactions would be different; preferably in our favor. We hope that 'this time' it finally works....

But omg... I need to do something different than what I have been doing. And what have I been doing? Nothing... just waiting. I need to actually do something. I know, I've been told this innumerable times and I would find innumerable excuses to justify why I just can't... but truth is, I can. I am just deathly afraid.

What would you do if you were not afraid? 


Time just goes on, flows, day after day, week after week... and I cannot get that back. Never could. Time doesn't care that you're waiting for it... its what you do in the mean while that makes the difference.

I cannot wake up one day to regret... I won't allow it... I won't be able to live with it.
This love is anything but complacent... why am I muffling it's voice?

This heaviness hurts too much.
You're a hollow hole filled with everything I want and layers of disappointment and fear.
I hate that I find myself needing you

THR - 1 year anniversary :)

One year ago today, on November 26th 2009... this was what I had done on my right hip
Three months ago, on August 26th 2010... this was what I had done on my left hip

I cannot even being to describe what the last year has been like... but if I can choose just one word, it would be AMAZING ...... the good, the bad, trails, complications, recuperation, rehabilitation, joys, sorrows, milestones, achievements, discoveries, mobilities, abilities, loves... the pain........ and the lack of pain... It's just all been Amazing... truly, amazing!!!

Thank you everyone and everything!

Divinely Ochestrated

It's a special night. It's the 85th birthday of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. The added importance of this night is in what it brought for me exactly one year ago.

A year ago, I was on the short notice waiting list for my first THR surgery. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, medically etc... and I eventually did get the call asking me to come in the next morning to be admitted. I thought I was ready, but I totally freaked out. I cried and cried, if only to myself, lost in a spiral of panic. Then something happened and the surgery got postponed. I woke up the next day and did something I never do considering the volatility of my health, i.e. make plans! I printed out the November 2009 month calender on a piece of paper and filled almost every day with things I wanted to do. I spoke to the Lord and the Universe and said in no uncertain terms, that I am GOING to get everything on that list done! I am going to make it to every event and then, only then, I will get the call again for surgery.


Such was my month of November. Packed! Filled with things to do, places to go and most importantly, I was able to attend all the rehearsals and perform with the Sai Youth for the National Birthday Programme that year. Oh... I even dyed my hair pink!

Then came November 23rd 2009...

I went to my Sai Centre for the Birthday Satsangh and I remember on the drive back home, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the car door while letting the air from outside hit my face... cool breeze, nice sweet nighttime air. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of contentment and just feeling happy. I looked to the sky and I whispered ... 'I'm ready'. That night I left my phone on 'loud' instead of switching it to silent as I normally would... and I went to sleep. A few hours later I was awoken by the ring ring ring ... and there it was, my surgery call!

I should mention that 'coincidentally' enough, the Birthday Satsangh at my Sai Centre was actually the last thing on the November month calender I had printed and stuck on my fridge. I had completed them all!

One year ago today... I let go and let God and the universe worked everything out in the most divinely orchestrated way. Nothing happens before it's time.

The night I slept...

Last night, after a very long demanding weekend and I guess an equally long and demanding week... I got home about 8pm and by 9pm I dropped on bed, absolutely exhausted... but happily so. I smiled so hard on the inside knowing that I didn't have to wake up to face any Monday type modes of normalcy and for that moment my entire being resonated with appreciation.

I then got a sudden feeling of I have no idea what. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and I swear to God, I could hear my eyelids sweep over my eyes and hear the muscles contract as I closed them even tighter and then like a wave passing through me, I felt every single pore raise, starting from my eyes, down my face, neck, chest, arms, hands, stomach, pelvis, thighs, legs to my toes... then back up to my head. My entire body was just a mass of tingling electrons for a few seconds...

*exhale* I pulled my blanket over me, rolled over to my side, snuggled nicely with my pillow and within moments I was fast asleep.

I woke up 16 hours later

My belly is hungry & my heart is soft

I've somehow spontaneously developed a ravenous hunger a few nights ago. An actual physical hunger, that I just must eat. I know sometimes I would say that 'my belly hungry but I not feeling to eat' ... but now I find myself feeling to eat with a hungry belly too! I can't even blame it on the drugs... Let's call it the beginning of PMS :p

In the meanwhile, I am so very sleepy right now, that I am getting 'car sick feeling' from the effort of just being awake typing this.

To end this, I am a softee, but it's because I love. Love itself cannot hold onto amour and I lack the protection of wit.

Go ahead

I wrote this last night & clicked on 'save now' instead of publish so I can save myself by saving another:

Fu(k it! For once I am going to ALLOW myself to just feel sad if that is how I feel. Who cares the reason? Why rationalize it? Why fear it's ramifications? For once T... just feel. It's ok. Cuz God knows how much pain I'm holding in

Never again

I did something... and I don't ever wanna do it again!

I did it willingly.

I think it's the universe's way of helping to obliterate this obsession that was taking me over. Trust me when I say this, I had no logical way to stop it since it in itself was illogical... that need... that fixation that haunted me constantly. I never could have possibly conceived that I would feel like this now.

Now I'm sick to the stomach. Disgusted. I can smell it. I want to retch.

I want to burn it all away. Wash it all away. I want to change the air and everything it touched

No more. No regrets. Thank you universe. Just no more.

Divali 2010

Tomorrow is Divali! Well it's today to be exact, considering it's after midnight. I'm already on bed and thinking to 'call it an early night' for a change. I suspect it's going to be a long day and night ahead.

Divali is supposed to be the darkest night of the year right? Considering that, I don't think I have ever in my entire life really experienced the darkness of that night. It's the one night that is guaranteed to be splattered with lights near and far. Maybe that's the point of it. Removal of darkness.

May this Divali remove the darkness and sadness in our hearts.
May the light illuminate our souls and touch those around us.

Normality... is subjective

The night has come to an end. It's late, it's time to finally get some sleep.
You brush your teeth and smile at the mirror admiring how clean they look.
You wash your face and pat it dry feeling clean and refreshed.
You put on night cream and lip balm, brush your hair and place everything back on the counter.
You see a rubber band. It's new. It's clean. It's pretty.
You find a syringe, sealed.
You take them both in your hands, place the bowl lid down, sit and wrap the rubber band around your wrist.
You double it. It's tight. Very tight.
You let your arm hang. You slap it gently. You watch the veins rise to the skin
You touch them lightly... feeling the pulse
You take the syringe out... you undo the suction
There is a vein passing over your knuckles to your pinky finger. It's big
You touch it. You press it... you feel the resistance of the blood pressing back
You take the needle and position it firmly in your hand
You latch your fingers around the end and turn it so the hole is facing upwards
You place it on the vein... and push.
It pierces the skin. Effortlessly
Tiny stream of red flows into the cylinder. You are in.
You pull and watch the blood slowly flow out... and in.
You pump the needle in deeper. You feel no pain.
You pull for more blood and watch the cc's climb
You want more but there's only so much it can take.
This is not the movies. This is not a doctors office.
You pull out! The blood shoots out with massive force, leaking everywhere.
Your vein is open if only by a tiny hole.
You pull the band off, quickly and just watch the red liquid flow... and drip and drip...
And with a sudden urgency with no warning in sight, you clamp down the swollen vein and stop it!
Blood is leaking under the skin. It hurts now. You don't care
You take the syringe and face the mirror. You let the blood drip from it, drop by drop.
You watch it fall.... onto your hand, into the sink, onto a napkin, onto your face, onto your tongue...
Drop... Drop... Drop... You taste it
You draw a line of blood onto the mirror and watch it flow down
It doesn't go far... it thickens
You cannot get anymore out the syringe, blood coagulates too quickly.
This is not the movies. This is not a laboratory.
You throw it away.
You touch the blood on the mirror with your finger tips... and smear it on your lips
Red rosy lips. Blood red
You lick them.... suck them... bite them.
You wipe the mirror clean
You wash your hands. The vein is swollen. It's getting blue.
You press it, it hurts.
You smile. Time to sleep.
You watch the blue bruise travel down the vein as the hours and days go by.
You feel the pain.
You see it suffering and it's ok. Everything is ok.
 The hole is gone.
You are ok. Smile.

Everything... it's everything

I never knew it was possible to feel so much. I don't need to understand it anymore. It's unfathomable. I cannot touch it. I cannot hold it. I cannot express it. I can just feel it.
It is me
It is you
It is everything.

I can feel everything! I cannot keep it in me... I am you.
I am everything
and I want everything that I am
I want everything that is you

Can you feel this?

The distraction

Hmmmm... let's see. In about 12 hours from now I would have started my pre-medication to keep me from 'having a reaction' *cross fingers* it works! I have a feeling it'll all be ok :)

Rituximab Infusion part 2 - Here I come!

Tonight is all about distraction. No other reason I would actually find myself 'online' on FB chat. I realised that after the fact though... What else do I notice?

I am shaking my leg constantly... like when I was back in school writing an exam.... I would become aware of it and stop, then sooner than later, it'll start back again

I just bit off my nail... the second one for tonight

I am biting my lip

Yupp... I am nervous. Wow, hell, anyone could have asked me this and there was no way my answer was going to be in the affirmative. I have to stop, step back and observe myself before I can notice and acknowledge it...

Wow I can't believe I'm actually nervous. I am. It will all be ok!

My body wants to be what it is

Wow... my insides have never felt more baby making feelings than they have been over the last 24 hours!
('least not for a long time)
The human race will forever live on, and it's our fault
As equally as it's mine

I am here, I am not

I really forced myself to go out tonight. From the moment I woke up, I knew everything I did would be in preparation for later... and what was everything? Take a load of painkillers and go right back to sleep. I woke up feeling 'better'... I ate, bathed, got dressed, sat in the car and realised 'I really don't want to go anywhere... I really can't make' ..... but I did. I went. I was in soooooo much pain!! But no one would know. I made sure of it.

I confessed to someone (and yes it was a confession in my books since I would never normally admit to it) that I'm really not up to going and he asked "you lost your vibe?" and my answer took some time because I decided on being honest. "I never had it really. It's just been in theory"

The vibe was never really there. It was all in theory. All in wishful thinking. All in riding the impetus of reaching milestones way faster than I should be and some pseudo sense of camaraderie. All in me following through with a promise. All in me being stubborn. It was never my vibe...probably never would be. (I don't even know if  he understood what I said)

I realise that I'm tired. I cannot keep up, in more ways than one, I just cannot keep up. I have been fulfilling the role of 'speedy recovery' . But I'm so so tired.

Tonight I realised that I've been pushing myself, like I have a tendency of doing. Pushing myself too hard.

I am not ready... not for this, not as yet.

The only thing I do want disappoints me over and over again and that's not good. Expectation is the mother of all misery... I know better than to believe, but I do. Something is holding me here. I always find it hard to ask for what I want. This hurts... hard

Wait, what?

I'm sitting here on a nice big comfortable chair, facing the windows on the east of my house. There's a little ornamental pepper plant in front of me and I'm watching the leaves and delicate little branches shaking... it's almost constant. For the first time since September 2nd, I am feeling breeze through this window, the way it should be, the way it used to be all my life living here.

I am sitting here feeling a mixture of sadness, disappointment and anger. My lips are sealed and breathing shallow... forehead and eyes tense. I'm trying hard not to let myself cry right now. *bites the inside of my bottom lip*

I'm sitting here and all that is running through my mind is:

"I'm just waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

waiting..."

That's all I'm doing. If my life was a book right now, the undercurrent theme that everything rides on would be an overwhelming sense of waiting. Patience is my virtue and my vice *sighs*

Rituximab treatment: The unblogged story (till now)

The Infusion Related Anaphylactic Reaction

December 2008 was the first time I had done this treatment and it was also the first time it was being done in Trinidad and Tobago. That was the first time I had an anaphylactic reaction and the first time I had to spend a night in a hospital.

I was a well read, knowledgeable patient at the time having read countless medical journals, case studies and medical trials on this drug, but nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. Now short of 2 years later, it happens again... I may not have been up to date with the latest trials and reviews, but I was prepared to recognize the onset of what would become one of the worst experiences I think someone can have.

Present day:

I rushed down lunch as the docor was ready to start the infusions. I had already been given my panadol, gravol, piriton and 100cc hydrocort. A fellow patient and I began the infusion at 1:00pm. The doctor told me I need to lie down or else the flow would take forever, so I grab my donut dessert and settled onto my bed (which I think btw was made for short ppl). I munch munch on my donut, with earphones on ... munch, swallow, munch swallow, munch, swallow, munch.... swallow?

My ears felt weird? I put down the donut and handed it over to mom who asked me if I was done. I said 'yea, just now'. I took off my earphones and tried to swallow again... it's worst. Mom asks 'what happen?' ... I respond 'something's happening'. Here it was... the beginning. I closed my eyes and counted 10 seconds: 1.... 2... 3.... 4.... 5.... 6.... 7.... 8... 9.... 10 *swallow* ..... omg I cannot swallow!

I called out a nurse and mostly with gesticulations, I told her 'throat, itchy, pain, swelling, cannot swallow'. I must have been about 1 minute now since the onset of the 1st strange ear feeling. She slowed down the i.v. drip and asked if it was getting better... I didn't respond. Because I couldn't. I couldn't talk. The doctor came and ordered it to be 'dc' (discontinued) and immediately hit me up with another 100cc's of hydrocort and chlorpheniramine. At that point, 2 minutes later, I could barely breathe and my heart was racing! My on average low BP was now sky rocketing. Thankfully I had about 1 inch of my passageway open in my throat so I labored to breathe, unable to talk or swallow and unable to breathe through my nose. I stayed calm though... or at least I eventually made myself calm. Put simply, it was very scary.

They started a new bag of saline solution to flush my veins.

All we could do now was wait... I just needed O2 and time. Thankfully I had both. Things didn't get worst... I lay there for 4 hrs after, trying to breathe and stay calm. Trying to swallow felt like razor blades. Trying to talk felt like... I cannot describe. I couldn't talk. Things got better. The infusion was restarted. No more reaction. Doc and nurses checked on me constantly! They were absolutely efficient. Had I not alerted them the moment the symptoms started, my entire air passage way would have closed in and well... it would have been a scene from Grey's or House with throats being slit open and tubes being shoved down. Thank God it didn't reach to that.

5:00pm I could talk again a bit. 5:30pm 2 friends dropped in to see me, one of them brought a mocha chiller! 6:15pm, I was able to sip and swallow my chiller... and never in my entire life had I been more happy and grateful to feel something go down my throat!

10.10.10

I have less than a minute before this opportunity is lost forever... I just have to! Its 11:59pm. The end of 10.10.10

Health care to be grateful for

In light of all the RA flares I've been having post-op, I was scheduled an emergency treatment session of Rituximab infusions at the St. James Medical Complex. Yesterday was part 1 of these infusions. Part 2 will be 2 weeks from now. 

For those who aren't too keen on reading up on all the medical fa la la, Rituximab is essentially a 'smart' drug that's main purpose is to seek out and destroy the body's B cells. The B cells are a very important part of your immune system. With an autoimmune problem, these B cells may be attacking the wrong things (i.e you) so that's why the good doctors and scientists out there created something to 'kill them dead'.

There are so many different slants I can give this story from... I pondered on it for quite some time and blogged each one in my head. Even as I am typing this now, I am not sure which twist/version I'm going to tell. I think... I think... I would give the positive spin version. Here goes:

I don't think people really realise how fortunate we are here in Trinidad to be able to receive free medical care at our public hospitals. I quote:

Citizens can access free health care at public health care facilities where health insurance is not required... Public Healthcare is free to everyone in Trinidad and Tobago and is paid for by the Government and taxpayers (wiki) 

I am infinitely blessed to be able to have access to drugs such as this rituximab, at no cost to me. I verrrrryyyy rarely ever look at things for its monetary merit, but I just had to sit back and take in this moment and really really be thankful and appreciative.

The cost of a single course of rituximab is £3492 (two 1000-mg i/v infusions).

That right there is over TT$35,000 (and that's for a single course. Patients may have to do 2 courses a year to 1 every 2 years).

I also have 2 brand new titanium hips now... another thing done through our free medical system. A single hip replacement surgery costs between US$40,000 to US$60,000... that'll bring us up to approximately half a million TT$ I did not have to spend to do both surgeries.

So all in all, despite all the 'crap' I've had to go through medically over the years ... God knows that I was blessed to have family and friends like I do, live in a country like I do, with doctors like we have and be able to have these surgeries and treatments done without having to sell my soul, car, house and left kidney. 

All we had to do was pay our taxes and I am alive today. 

 

PS: I apologize for the 'gruesomeness' of the i.v. line pic but I couldn't help myself... it's just so bloody awesome! 

Comic Relief

Birthday Love

Love is real, real is love,
Love is feeling, feeling love,
Love is wanting to be loved.
Love is touch, touch is love,
Love is reaching, reaching love,
Love is asking to be loved.
Love is you,
You and me,
Love is knowing,
We can be.
Love is free, free is love,
Love is living, living love,
Love is needing to be loved.

s06e21 House & Cuddy *SPOILER WARNING*

C: I'm stuck ... I keep wanting to move fwd, I keep wanting to move on and I can't... I just need to know if you and I can work

H: You think I can fix myself?

C: I don't know

H: Because I am the most screwed up person in the world

C: I know. I love you. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it

Awake to feel

I've been up since 6am on Monday, though I did get a little nap in the afternoon.
Sleep was about to take me when I got stabbed with joy.

It's astonishing how the desire to transcribe something into the annals of memory can supersede sleep deprivation.

Intensity

I've been having so many strange and intense experiences lately... There seems to be some sort of tear in my being where pieces of my subconscious are leaking out in such a raw and overwhelming way that feelings become physical. It's intoxicating to say the least.

Ephedrine

omg I'm so strung out right now... totally wired. All these letters are blurry hahaha... wow, no amt of blinking brings them into focus

That it's me

My goodness... it's as though I was holding my breath this entire time. Is that what I'm doing? Just waiting without letting it be known, for something sooo simple, yet so powerful in it's effect on me?

I spend so much time and emotional energy not giving in and the instant that I do, it changes me. Like a guilty pleasure. I beat myself up constantly in the lead up but as soon as the decision is made, I realize that I keep doing this for me... and it somehow feels incomplete and I would never acknowledge to myself why... But it's because I keep waiting for it... for the little things that I felt so much and loved so dearly... the little things that mean everything.

Where has my heart gone? Trapped in the eyes of a stranger. oh I... I want to go back to go back to, believing in everything (and knowing nothing at all)

You're ok

I just caught myself feeling something. It was a sweet sigh of relief... hint of a smile. A smile that slowly fades if I think about what it means for me. But you're ok.

Day 3 - Sigh

I don't know how to even start this post. I'm tired. Today is the worst. Slept for about 1 hour and by 4am... the torture began. It's getting worst. I am so run down, so very run down that I almost fainted this morning... and I never faint! I'll prolly explain later how that went down. Right now I'm awake after a 1.5 hour knock out... fever and pain gone but my clavicle, neck, face and head is on fire. More hives breaking out. A heat that this a/c can't even touch. Maybe I should ice it. But I'm afraid to get up...

These entries are getting so personal. This is so weird for me.

I can feel my particles vibrating

I can feel my particles vibrating!

Yup folks, that's exactly what I said tonight.. High as hell and running on pure adrenaline but I could not have said it any better. You know in quantum studies it is said that we are not physical beings but on a subatomic level, each particle or 'matter' when broken down, is all essentially energy, vibrating at a certain frequency. This solid matter *scratches neck* is not really solid at all.

I sit there holding a spoon in my hand and watch it shake. I hold the phone to my ear and feel my arm wobble. I say 'gosh babe you must be so tired' and I feel my lips quiver. My heart races and everything flutters and quavers... I am so wired! I lie on bed and feel my entire body vibrate... like I'm lying down on a subwoffer that's emitting a low pitch hum... It's a hum indeed. My body is humming! I close my eyes and it's all whirling through me, pure energy! It's draining me and pumping me up at the same time. *scratches everywhere*

I can feel my particles vibrating. It's a rush! It's scary. It's calming.

It reminds me of the days I used to have dance performances. After an entire piece on stage, in the spot light, vigorous movements without any flaw or falter... the curtains will close and I would feel every inch of me shaking. Ultimate adrenaline rush and nervousness.*scratches clavicle left side*

This suddenly reminds me of a quote from the song 'Third Eye' by Tool

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather

 Now if only I could stop itching...and stop scratching *scratches clavicle right side* Resisting the urge I must say, takes all the will power any one person can muster. I am really not exaggerating.