I really forced myself to go out tonight. From the moment I woke up, I knew everything I did would be in preparation for later... and what was everything? Take a load of painkillers and go right back to sleep. I woke up feeling 'better'... I ate, bathed, got dressed, sat in the car and realised 'I really don't want to go anywhere... I really can't make' ..... but I did. I went. I was in soooooo much pain!! But no one would know. I made sure of it.
I confessed to someone (and yes it was a confession in my books since I would never normally admit to it) that I'm really not up to going and he asked "you lost your vibe?" and my answer took some time because I decided on being honest. "I never had it really. It's just been in theory"
The vibe was never really there. It was all in theory. All in wishful thinking. All in riding the impetus of reaching milestones way faster than I should be and some pseudo sense of camaraderie. All in me following through with a promise. All in me being stubborn. It was never my vibe...probably never would be. (I don't even know if he understood what I said)
I realise that I'm tired. I cannot keep up, in more ways than one, I just cannot keep up. I have been fulfilling the role of 'speedy recovery' . But I'm so so tired.
Tonight I realised that I've been pushing myself, like I have a tendency of doing. Pushing myself too hard.
I am not ready... not for this, not as yet.
The only thing I do want disappoints me over and over again and that's not good. Expectation is the mother of all misery... I know better than to believe, but I do. Something is holding me here. I always find it hard to ask for what I want. This hurts... hard
3 comments:
Now is definitely not the time to be selfless, but to think about you. If you feel like taking it easy and sleeping and scene, definitely do it. I know some people feel as thought they have a duty to their friends to go out, but really m'dear, they should know that it's not your vibe right now. I'm a bit of a home person myself ^^ lols. Have fun at home, Watch Gargoyles! I'm obsessed with it right now! Lols.
I suppose we all have to fake a vibe now and then for the good of others. It's a situation where nobody wins yet everybody thinks the other is the winner. "Expectation is the mother of all misery" is so true.
Thanks DE... I realise that now. It's mostly stubbornness... Sleep is the scene now... & I randomly decided to see what 'the vampire diaries' are about, since we have the whole of season 1 here. Figure it would be some nice 'light' viewing.
aka - "It's a situation where nobody wins yet everybody thinks the other is the winner" ..... freal. Leaves me with a lot to ponder on there.
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