That it's me

My goodness... it's as though I was holding my breath this entire time. Is that what I'm doing? Just waiting without letting it be known, for something sooo simple, yet so powerful in it's effect on me?

I spend so much time and emotional energy not giving in and the instant that I do, it changes me. Like a guilty pleasure. I beat myself up constantly in the lead up but as soon as the decision is made, I realize that I keep doing this for me... and it somehow feels incomplete and I would never acknowledge to myself why... But it's because I keep waiting for it... for the little things that I felt so much and loved so dearly... the little things that mean everything.

Where has my heart gone? Trapped in the eyes of a stranger. oh I... I want to go back to go back to, believing in everything (and knowing nothing at all)

You're ok

I just caught myself feeling something. It was a sweet sigh of relief... hint of a smile. A smile that slowly fades if I think about what it means for me. But you're ok.

Day 3 - Sigh

I don't know how to even start this post. I'm tired. Today is the worst. Slept for about 1 hour and by 4am... the torture began. It's getting worst. I am so run down, so very run down that I almost fainted this morning... and I never faint! I'll prolly explain later how that went down. Right now I'm awake after a 1.5 hour knock out... fever and pain gone but my clavicle, neck, face and head is on fire. More hives breaking out. A heat that this a/c can't even touch. Maybe I should ice it. But I'm afraid to get up...

These entries are getting so personal. This is so weird for me.

I can feel my particles vibrating

I can feel my particles vibrating!

Yup folks, that's exactly what I said tonight.. High as hell and running on pure adrenaline but I could not have said it any better. You know in quantum studies it is said that we are not physical beings but on a subatomic level, each particle or 'matter' when broken down, is all essentially energy, vibrating at a certain frequency. This solid matter *scratches neck* is not really solid at all.

I sit there holding a spoon in my hand and watch it shake. I hold the phone to my ear and feel my arm wobble. I say 'gosh babe you must be so tired' and I feel my lips quiver. My heart races and everything flutters and quavers... I am so wired! I lie on bed and feel my entire body vibrate... like I'm lying down on a subwoffer that's emitting a low pitch hum... It's a hum indeed. My body is humming! I close my eyes and it's all whirling through me, pure energy! It's draining me and pumping me up at the same time. *scratches everywhere*

I can feel my particles vibrating. It's a rush! It's scary. It's calming.

It reminds me of the days I used to have dance performances. After an entire piece on stage, in the spot light, vigorous movements without any flaw or falter... the curtains will close and I would feel every inch of me shaking. Ultimate adrenaline rush and nervousness.*scratches clavicle left side*

This suddenly reminds me of a quote from the song 'Third Eye' by Tool

Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively. There is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather

 Now if only I could stop itching...and stop scratching *scratches clavicle right side* Resisting the urge I must say, takes all the will power any one person can muster. I am really not exaggerating.

Day 2 - I need someone to hit me on the head

After my last post, I decided to chill on bed and watch a nice movie... something to take my mind off everything. Relax, distract and maybe get sleepy... Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

10:00am ... Just 2 hours after taking meds and lathering in calamine lotion... I discover it's spreading, getting worst... *sighs* I stood applying calamine to spot after spot after spot and eventually lost my count at around 50 :( ...

10:30am... I page my doctor, letting him know it's getting worst

11:15am... He calls me. First thing first, I gotta pop 20mgs of steroids and wait it out. Secondly, I need to find out if we are using any new detergent, soap, perfume... anything...

What can I be so allergic too?? Is it something that new that it's taken me my entire life to be exposed to it... or is it my immune system just totally out of whack from surgery etc... that I have randomly developed an allergy?

Oh... it's 1 month post op :) This morning I realized that both surgeries were exactly 9 months apart... Thursday November 26th 2009 and Thursday August 26th 2010... Same day, same date.

So back to the title... I need someone to hit me over the head, knock me out unconscious and then I wake up when the meds have worked..

Day 2 - I need Mittens

It's now Monday morning... I'm gonna give all I have to make this entry coherent.

I tried calling it a night by 2am. I recall being so drugged and so tired and so sleepy... but all I could do was toss and turn and roll from side to side (a blessing that is I must add) ... and mostly, all I could do was scratch!

5:00am... mom wakes me up asking if I need her to rub some calamine lotion on me. Guess all my scratching alerted her.

5:20am... I check myself. oh... em... gee... hives have spread. My entire back and legs :( ... I cannot begin to describe the torture of that kinda itching... especially when you cannot reach to scratch. Something odd to note, I am getting hives breaking out on the same spot more or less, on either side of my body... like a mirror image... mimic game... According to a friend 'your allergies have OCD'

And no sleep... I feel spazed, spaced, zoned & wired all at the same time.

My bro took a picture of me and had quite a laugh. I look like Fever Ray from her 'When I Grow Up' video. Calmine lotion all over my head and face and neck... etc etc etc. His words were "You look like you're gonna make a music video... or shave" haha

It's 8:00am... I am lying on bed trying to ignore the itching. Hoping the meds work soon and that I can possibly get a nap. I find myself shaking like a junkie in withdrawal, eyes wide open and vision distorted... I really need sleep... and relief... and you

Allergy

Idk, I'm thinking... maybe I should document this. Seeing as I'm breaking all the rules of silence and all...

So here goes:

Yesterday I was really idle, just cannot settle down... I decided to get out my head a bit and watch a movie instead. I saw Shutter Island on my External, 720p... nice! Popped in my new headphones and pressed play. Whoa! Sounding and looking SO good! I paused the movie after 2 minutes to go settle some stuff so I can watch it out w/o anything left undone... and that's when the 1st recognition of symptoms began.

My head was itchy! I didn't take it on... watched out the movie... 2hrs of a psychological thriller... good stuff! When it was done, I got up and felt sooooooooooo disoriented! Did I really just drown myself in the movie land so much? Ahh I was itchy! 'Maybe I'm miserable!' I think... I called up a friend, who confirmed that I just miserable as usual. I decided to take a shower, maybe that would cool me down, stop my head from feeling like it's on fire. This was 9pm

By 10:30pm... I am trying to watch tv (something I never ever do)... anything to distract me from dis itching. My entire head started feeling like I got attacked by a dozen good sized stones and just bumps and heat and redness remain :(

2:00am.... I realize I am in trouble... but I distract myself being miserable with another

3:00am... My day begins...without even my night ending. I have broken out in hives! I text a few doctor friends & try not to panic... just lay down and try to sleep... try...

7:00am... after trying hard to sleep but only itchy, and after taking some piriton etc... I get off the bed to the allergic reaction being worst! Whole body... especially from neck up :( ... my poor ears

7:10am... I page my doctor

7:25am.... He calls me. Speculation is that I am exhibiting symptoms of an allergic reaction to the actual drug that doctors prescribe for allergic reactions! haha the Irony... the irony...

8:30am.... Got and took new meds

All I want to do at this point is listen to Nine Inch Nails - Piggy 

1:00pm... Things are getting worst! I am drugged, itchy, covered in calamine lotion & nothing's doing... But least I'm not getting anaphylactic ... I can breathe, I can swollow... I should sleep

I sleep for about 2 hrs... nerves shot. Feeling shaky & absolutely drained

4:00pm... I wake up... the welts have finalllllllllyyy gone down a bit. Itchy still, head on fire, ears on fire.. but the welts are down!

5:00pm... I am still very drugged, my head lolling ... my hands shaking... my speech rambling

7:00pm... I look like I'm playing Jouvert... I acting like I'm a total druggy in this this jouvert band

8:00pm.... Zoned... trying not to scratch... praying it all goes away. Loving the love I've been getting & missing the love I'm not

Hey Pig... Hey pig piggy pig pig
Hey M0th3r fu(k!ng pig!

I'm aware... I am

I stumbled upon an old entry from March 2005... I kept reading this line over and over and it's puzzling that now five years later, I feel as though I can relate to this all over again. I doubt it's a repeat as much as it's my ability at being vague ;)

But here I am... stuck in a situational scenario which is a direct replica of all that I dreaded, feared, hated... a dispiriting and depressing conducer of all that I've suffered before... I fear admitting to this ominous feeling. I fear for my happiness - and that’s blasphemous. Fear of loosing it diminishes it all on it's own.

The original entry is here: Into Your Hands

Deep Inside of You

Something's gone, you withdraw
And I'm not strong like before
I was deep inside of you

I can go nowhere
I burn candles and stare
At a ghost deep inside of you

And some great need in me
Starts to bleed
I've lost myself, there's nothing left
It's all gone
Deep inside of you...

Don't speak

How can I reach out and hide at the same time?
I just realized that's exactly what I'm doing.

I was instructed and warned tonight to not tell people my business. Don't tell people how I feel. Especially don't tell people if I am unwell. Don't tell people anything. No wonder anytime life is like how it is right now, I tend to go into 'drop off the face of the earth' mode. An undeniable state of conditioning.

Sad thing is, I grew to actually learn the hard way the logic behind it... I burn to learn and since then it's been especially difficult.

In general, being direct is so hard. I always pick and chose what I say and what I don't. I always sound 'fine' on the phone and look 'good' when ppl see me.

I like people and I'm afraid of them.
The ones I like the most are the one's I'm most afraid of... at least for awhile. At least till the point that I realize I have nothing to lose again.

I'm grappling with too much conflict ... This is what I realized tonight. Pity it took a fall out session for me to do so. I'm torn between being terrified of expressing myself and being an innately expressive person who yearns to be understood... bleeds to feel....

On another note, I love hard

Beat

My heart beats
Hard

I am amazed that it keeps beating, beating, beating...
When everything else hurts
Hard

Ball and chain

I hate having to give in to all your ignorance and fears and f____d up illogical 'excuses'.
I hate having to listen to your unbelievably stupid, unfair and uncalled for rants about the past, accusations thrown all over and grudges thrown in my face.
I hate that I believe you over and over and over and over, month after month, year after year... that you actually listen and understand and changed.
I hate that I try so hard and like the fool I am, I keep on trying.
I hate that you know you mean so much and you know you ultimately ctrl everything yet you choose to break me down so much... You really break me down!
I hate that I cannot explode because it will be murder suicide. I rather just implode and die alone.
I rather just die ... each time, I rather just die
But I don't

Burn

Fever
There are few things in life I dislike more than fever. I never knew it was possible to feel this much pain... or maybe I forgot. But it's me, so 'I'm faking it, till I'm psuedo making it'. I've saved my smile for later. Now, 10am, I'm freezing and burning up. Let sleep take me...

Kill the flare, numb the symptoms

A very rare glimps into an actual real time convo about something not abstract for once:

I just paged my doctor

  it felt kinda weird dictating and having someone else type my msg

2:09 PM like... tables turn lol

  "Please call (insert name) at (insert number) Re: Urgent Post-op advice needed"

  that was my msg

2:10 PM If I can predict him he wud say 1. Up my dose of metho from 4 to 5 a week and/or 2. A short course of steroids to reduce the inflammation

  both I would protest to. I wud acquiesce to #1 ... and fight down #2 as much as possible

2:11 PM Steroids WOULD kill these flare symptoms instantly... and I wud feel on top of the world

  but the side effects... :( I made a promise years ago dat I wud NEVER EVER go back on it

2:12 PM I already had countless hydrocorticosteroid shots in d hospital.. but dat was to make sure I survive d surgery. daz life or death...

Why so urgent? Why so worried? - tramadol, acetaminophen and codeine in my system, bed-rest and 4 hrs later... I can now finally go into the kitchen and comfortably reach my cup to my mouth and swallow...

THAT my friends, is not good... not good at all. That's too much pain, too much time and way too much drugs :(

The sentence in my head... (continued)

... and it hurts sometimes. It makes me cry. It pulls and stabs and gnaws at places inside of me that I can't even reach to protect. The sting of sadness that evaded me before has now become a shroud... and a second skin like porcelain underneath my own. Right now I'm silent no more... but no one is here to hear me crying... and that's how I want it to be.

The sentence in my head...

It all comes down to this simple truth...that I love you...

You shake my soul

My first thought was 'omg wtf?!'

I'm trying to sleep, body exhausted but pain too much, mind drifting from thought to thought, haunted...tortured. I dream a little... I wake up and wonder if I slept at all. But I dreamt... so I must have... right? It's cold... It's dark... I'm under covers from head to toe, skin hurting & numb at the same time... then it happened!

THUNDER

Never in my entire life have I been that messed up by thunder. It came in waves... My heart instantly started to race! More and more thunder... the windows all around me started to shake. It was louder and louder and I don't know what the hell was wrong with me, but it fu(k'd me up.

I love weather like this. Love watching the lightening and waiting for the thunder. But not when I'm a cocoon in a dark room with heavy feelings, foggy thoughts and painful movements...

More thunder still... I think I'm pass the urge to cry. I think...

Noooo of all the songs to play... :'( I lose my fight

Green Room

I'm lying here in a green room with green curtains & a solid line of super sunshine peaking through the corner. It's hard to tell it's 4pm cuz of the rugs and sheets hung behind the curtains to keep the light out. It's no wonder that the 1 month or so I spent in my own bedroom was such an acclimatizing experience cuz it's so bright in there! Green curtains once again but so thin they may as well have been just a formality... and a skylight! Yes a skylight triangle of glass, squaring off the top of the window to the peak of my roof. I learned to sleep in the light in that room.. my eyes taught themselves to naturally close with glare and over the years, I became more comfortable sleeping with light in my eyes than in darkness.

Darkness brings me to life. Darkness makes me open my eyes to see what I cannot... & all my senses are piqued. Darkness brings all the thoughts and feelings out from their little box of conformity.

Darkness is you

The signal sleeps

My gosh... what a feeling! & no it hasn't passed!
I had to will myself to breathe...
Without the sting of sadness, tears forced themselves out... a single drop on either end, rolling down my face. Without permission... Without a thought of recognition.
Just feeling.

It's present continuous, present continuous!

What the ____ am I supposed to think?

A life waiting

I spend way too much time not saying what I want to say
I stay quiet
Pretending it will go away
I'm not saying
Not loving
Not crying
Not showing 
Not holding on
Not letting go
I want more than I let known
I need more than is shown 
I spend way too much time trying to be understood 
I ask questions
Needing to understand 
I'm only censoring
Only deflecting
Only denying
Only repressing 
Only holding back
I feel more than I trust
I think more than I express


Am I really that afraid? 

1 week later

One week post THR surgery ... I can honestly say my recuperation thus far has been so much better than the last time around (10 months ago). So much I can say and I'm thinking that maybe I should document it... 


For now though... I've been surviving on bouts of 2 to 3 hours of sleep for the last week. No more nice solid 8 to 10 hours of sweet slumber. Gonna see if I can get a little nap and maybe I would come back and write some more... maybe...


Now would be a good time for my pending a/c unit to miraculously appear though

Somewhere along the line, I must've got off track with you...

You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say...

Well excuse me... think I've mistaken you for somebody else... somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself.... & these foolish games are tearing me apart... & your thoughtless words are breaking...my...heart...