I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.
I'm not quite sure what's the advantage of being stuck home with respect to that aspect of my life and lifestyle. Could things have been worst if I had stayed on Campus? Would I have deviated off this path? I didn't then and don't now see anything obviously threatening ... but maybe the supposed inimicality of recent events had potential to affect me despite my obviation. In the light of the alternative, I trust God had his reasons for that one.
I do question my strength though. It seems what I was trying to renounce showed up as a mere prevarication... What does this strength entail? Is it avoidance? Overcoming? Being impervious and unaffected?
I don't believe in avoidance as the do all end all remedy. But I realize now that avoidance is necessary for short periods of time - to replenish the soul... replenish so that I can.... Become unaffected or be able to overcome? Which am I supposed to aim for? I again don't believe it is healthy to become that impervious... because what I'm up against is really... really not nice...or easy.
So now I'm left with overcoming. To over come... to get over... I have to get through it first. This is where I absolutely Need the Lord's advice and strength. I keep on thinking that I can help... can change. But the cynicism is ... defeating. At least for now. I know I don't want to do that again.
But here I am... stuck in a situational scenario which is a direct replica of all that I dreaded, feared, hated... a dispiriting and depressing conducer of all that I've suffered before... I fear admitting to this ominous feeling. I fear for my happiness - and that’s blasphemous. Fear of loosing it diminishes it all on it's own.
Maybe having to be home and away from other potentials gives me the lack of distractions I need to concentrate...
Now that I've acknowledged my plight... I revert to my opening statement.
I'm not quite ready to fight this fight... and I think that's because I haven't yet figured out what I'm fighting for... or why...
I have the strength within and in God. I just need the guidance.
With that, I take my leave... again
I'm not quite sure what's the advantage of being stuck home with respect to that aspect of my life and lifestyle. Could things have been worst if I had stayed on Campus? Would I have deviated off this path? I didn't then and don't now see anything obviously threatening ... but maybe the supposed inimicality of recent events had potential to affect me despite my obviation. In the light of the alternative, I trust God had his reasons for that one.
I do question my strength though. It seems what I was trying to renounce showed up as a mere prevarication... What does this strength entail? Is it avoidance? Overcoming? Being impervious and unaffected?
I don't believe in avoidance as the do all end all remedy. But I realize now that avoidance is necessary for short periods of time - to replenish the soul... replenish so that I can.... Become unaffected or be able to overcome? Which am I supposed to aim for? I again don't believe it is healthy to become that impervious... because what I'm up against is really... really not nice...or easy.
So now I'm left with overcoming. To over come... to get over... I have to get through it first. This is where I absolutely Need the Lord's advice and strength. I keep on thinking that I can help... can change. But the cynicism is ... defeating. At least for now. I know I don't want to do that again.
But here I am... stuck in a situational scenario which is a direct replica of all that I dreaded, feared, hated... a dispiriting and depressing conducer of all that I've suffered before... I fear admitting to this ominous feeling. I fear for my happiness - and that’s blasphemous. Fear of loosing it diminishes it all on it's own.
Maybe having to be home and away from other potentials gives me the lack of distractions I need to concentrate...
Now that I've acknowledged my plight... I revert to my opening statement.
I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.....If only you really know how deeply you affect me and how desperately I wish for things to change....
I'm not quite ready to fight this fight... and I think that's because I haven't yet figured out what I'm fighting for... or why...
I have the strength within and in God. I just need the guidance.
With that, I take my leave... again
1 comment:
Its time to take your own advice babe. Don't do this to yourself. Don't let this happen. You can see it. You know it. Like you said, It's Saturday night - Sunday morning. You know what to do. Please. Do it. For your sake. Let Go and Let God.
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