Paper in my throat

3:40am, Monday before Christmas 2011

I come off of my bed because I cannot sleep. I've read out 2 books for the night, lovely little short kids stories, yet I feel uncomfortable. My throat feels tight. I initially think it's because of the position of my head on the pillow as I'm curled up reading, but after two days of this tightness, even I couldn't fool myself any longer to blame it all on posture. So I came off bed and hobbled down the stairs. My back, shoulder and neck aches so much, and my knee is a bit stiff. The pain meds I took earlier has alleviated some of the back pain but the general feeling of tightness and strain still lingers. My neck just gets worst. My head starts hurting and I wonder if maybe I am dehydrated. Downstairs now, I make myself a cuppa hot chocolate and gulped rather than sipped it slowly. With each motion of this comfort drink squeezing down my throat, it starts dawning on me, as slowly but as inescapable as the first light of day, that I need... to cry. The tightness in my chest, tightness in my throat, ache in my back and neck and tension in my head, are all the repercussions of grief suppressed. The vivid, anxiety type dreams should have indicated this to me sooner, but as usual, I am a master of denial. I need to cry and holding it all inside of me these past 2 to 3 days is doing me no good, no good at all. 

I finished my cuppa hot chocolate and felt compelled to type this. I should mention, while drinking, I opened my bank statement and noticed for the first time there was no increase of $100. No more mommy = no more salary = no more automatic transfer of $100 a month to my savings account. Trivial as it may seem, there's nothing more potent than the rawness of our materialistic 'reality' to trigger a purposeful allowance for concern. Though the money may be of little consequence, the fact that she's gone screams at me in fine green writing on a three fold sheet of paper with my name on it.

A rant allowed

I hate myself today
I hated myself yesterday
I don't want to hate myself tomorrow
But for now?
I hate me! I wanna suffer for just being such a stupid pathetic fool

I will let you down

What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

A Girl You Should Date

A Girl You Should Date

Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.
Buy her another cup of coffee.
Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.
She has to give it a shot somehow.
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series.
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.

– Rosemarie Urquico –

A Christmas Carol

I read this book countless times as a kid! Now that I'm a big girl now, I figure I should read the original, unabridged version with all the beautiful literary prose of the 1840's :) - My Christmas treat to myself.  Who's with me? (it's free on kindle) - Click Me

Dear Ma

Dear Ma,
Where are you? I really miss you!
It hurts more and more each day. Is this just the beginning? I didn't think it would get worst as time goes by... the pain of losing you... missing you... being confused. I'm so sorry Ma. For everything!!! I was selfish and impatient and ignorant and I didn't stop to truly recognize how much you were trying... not until it was too late. It breaks my heart ma, it BREAKS my heart... that you fought so hard even up till the end, if not for you, but to protect me :( ... I believed you! I honestly believed you when you said you were gonna be okay and you would live to play with your grand-kids. Was I that naive? Did you really believe it too? Was that what you wanted? Did death just take you away? Were you ready? Were you protecting me from the truth? Were you preparing me? Were you scared? ... You begged me not to leave you :( You begged me not to leave you alone... and I promised I won't. I promised I would stay... (but I couldn't) ... and then, that was the last thing you ever said to me Ma. I don't know how to deal with this... with you being gone. I still can't accept it. It hurts so much - each moment of pain is just as fresh and raw and real as the previous... if not worst. I'm so sorry ma... I forgive you for everything! I'm SO sorry I wasn't better. I'm so sorry... I just can't believe it Ma. I haven't told ppl about the last few days... not even Kevin knows of how hard and scary that was for me... and for you. I would NEVER forget the look on your face when the ambulance was taking you away. Gosh ma... I promised you it was going to be okay. I would NEVER forget the night before when I was holding you in my arms, you said that it felt so good, like you're in Vykunt... Why did you have to die now Ma? It's not supposed to be this way. You promised me! That you will not die till I'm married with my own kids. Why did I blindly believe that??
What about the stupid Astrologers in India? He didn't say you were going to die just a few months later!! He lied to us both! I hate him. Ma... why didn't I know that you were really going to die? Why didn't I know? Did you know? I cry all the time now Ma... Tears and pain is all I have right now. I miss you so much Ma! Do you know that? Are you here with me? Are you reading this? I need you to know, that I'm not okay and if you can see this, please... please... help me be okay again. I miss you Ma. There's a hollow churning void inside of me now... and no one can really understand that. Part of me died with you Ma. I love you

This is so me

Grrrrrrr

As I am typing this, I feel a sort of zap in my brain and my heart is pounding. I'm making efforts to take deep breaths.

Why are my emotions SO volatile??? In the last few days I've found myself shifting between extreme sadness and anger so easily. It's as though I can't differentiate the two right now. This weekend I had my first real angry outburst at God and life and everything for taking away my mommy. I was so unbelievably angry!!! I kept crying and pacing and had I the ability to clench my fist I would have... and then it would have most definitely found itself crashing into things. I wanted so much to break something and just scream! I thought I was losing my mind. I hated God at that moment. I cursed and screamed at God and hated him!!!! I guess it explains why since mom died, I have never been able to pray. I feel betrayed. I feel so angry. I feel so much despair and disillusionment. I don't want to go out. I don't go to satsanghs, or limes, or family gatherings, or social events or... anything. I cannot bare it. Sometimes I don't leave this room. Sometimes I hate everything and I hate myself. And I know better... and I know I know better... but I don't know why all these feelings are coming up.

Is this part of grief? Resentment and anger and  disappointment and regret and fear and so much sadness!?!?

Tomorrow

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

- Macbeth 

That Perfect Moment

I lie there, wrapped up in you,

You're always a few inches above me;

I look up at your beautiful face,

Your eyes closed, I'm where I should be exactly

Warm skin, gentle touch, steady breathing 

My senses buried in layers of you,

My mouth smiles, my heart aches

and I know that I love you, I really do

An honest glimpse

Ahhh... so much has been on my mind. I don't even know what exactly at this moment, so I'm just gonna let my fingers type...

I spent my first, entire full work-week at my apartment on Milner Hall. My feelings about it is still fluctuating. On Monday itself, I lay there on the bed, fully clothed with my jeans on, all dressed for class, and all I could feel was an overwhelming sense of 'I wanna go home'. It was the strongest 'homesickness' feeling I'd ever felt before. My mind started shooting thoughts in all different directions along the lines of: 'What am I doing here?' ... 'I hate this place?' ... 'Why am I even trying?' ... 'Maybe starting back school was just a big mistake!' ... and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I was thinking about mom, our financial situation, my brother, my health, my counseling session and if I should go, my classes and if I should go, my bf, my friends, my body and it's extra layers of fat and acne ... and I felt the anxiety and despondence intertwine with each other, going round and round, pulling me down..twisting around my throat like a noose!!! ...  until there was nothing left to do but collapse into myself and switch the lights off on my consciousness. There we have it... I was dressed and ready for class, which was just 3 minutes walk away from my room, but instead I fell into a deep, dream-full sleep.

I woke up only to my alarm, which nonetheless I snoozed a few times. I had a session with my counsellor. Before I could change my mind, I just peeled myself off the bed, brushed my teeth and walked right out the door and proceeded towards C.A.P.S My clothes may have been wrinkled, my face still showing the lines of the pillow creases and my hair, well - bed head... but I cared not, and just walked. My mind was blank and my focus only on each step and each breath. I walked into the room w/o the slightest idea of what I was going to say, or even of what I was thinking. All I could do was feel... and what I felt was blank and very, very down. The counsellor is impressive... and I use that word in particular because I actually am impressed. I've had my share of secret disappointment and disillusionment w/ psychologists in the past; there's nothing more disenchanting than walking out of a session and knowing full well that you were able to 'fool' your doctor by silly layers of self protection and enigmatic obscurity while never once actually touching on what's really, really bothering you. Now I've met two professionals who are able to 'see through' my facade and really make sense of things, and help me make sense of things as well. Anyways, back to that particular session... long story short, I cried my eyes out. I actually, for the first time, spoke about certain things regarding mom's death and illness and my feelings and connection to it all. It felt so disconnected, like I was just vomiting out stories at random, jumping in all different directions; yet somehow at the end, it all came together, with her help of course... and best of all, it came out of me. 'It' being a slice of whatever I've been keeping locked inside of me... still keeping locked inside - Guilt, Fear, Sadness, Regret, Anger, Pain...

The crying made me feel better and then, like a miracle, I left that session to walk into a most beautiful surprise! My bf showed up at my place with sandwiches all ready, arms wide open for cuddles and whispers of 'I love you' with feelings so true and strong that the moment of happiness was nothing short of palpable; in every way.

Sputnik Sweetheart

So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us—that’s snatched right out of our hands—even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.

Thursday, 17 November 2011

My First Night in Milner

It’s 10pm on the dot and in lieu of the internet, I’ve decided to take my need for expression & addiction to typing to the white blank pages of a word document. Don’t get me wrong, we actually have internet here – it’s an Ethernet connection. However, after much trying and pushing the cord into both the blue and red ports (and even trying different Ethernet cords), my brother finally told me that ‘Oh the Ethernet port in your laptop doh work eh’ O_O ß yes… this was me. I realize that I would really be forced to do work tonight after all. 

I ventured out of my room after some time because I was really, REALLY, craving that coke that I had put in the fridge earlier today. This coke had a tiny little yellow post it label with ‘Tunks 320’ written on it; 320 is my room number. I actually requested this room in particular because of the view of campus, rather than the busy bus route. To fuel my conviction that room 320 was a better choice than my 310 and 311 options, I added that the latter 2 were situated too close to the common room and kitchen so chances of being disturbed by smells and noises would be higher. As I am typing this, I am beginning to be really thankful that I chose 320 after all, ‘cuz despite being pass the half-way point down the corridor, I can still hear the clatter and chatter of people fixing up dinner and watching some tv in the common room. It’s kind of comforting to be honest. Anyways, back to what I was saying… I ventured out for my coke. I met a girl in the kitchen, cooking some food. I forgot her name already … typical. She was really nice though, recognizing I was new, asking my name and where I’m from and then introducing me to the other guys who were gathered around the tv. She also told me the ‘blue’ Ethernet port is the right one to use.

Anyways, I’m gonna read some notes or a novel on my kindle. Oh, I don’t know if it’s the a/c or the altitude or all the tiles and blank walls… but the static electricity on me is super high. My clothes is sticking to me and my hair is all straight and scary. Last time this happened to me was when I was in India and England. Never really in Trinidad, at least not to this extent. All that’s left is to wake up tomorrow with a host of plastic bags gathered around my bed – that’s a story for next time.

Goodnight

Genius

Some things are better left unknown

I feel so much self loathing tonight. Guilt and shame

Panic... Don't

Anxiety...
What is this?
The first time I got what I can call a true 'panic attack' was on January 1st 2011, in Woodfood Cafe in Chaguanas... where Mom, Dad & I decided to go in and 'check it out' ... It was shortly after finding out about mom's relapse and ... well, long story short, I found myself heart racing, head spinning, unable to breathe and needing to stand in 1 spot & hold on to a counter trying to calm down.
Now, 11 months later... this feeling is slowly becoming a part of my everyday life. Maybe not so much in intensity, but I'm a bundle of 'freaking out in my head' and keep consciously taking deep, steady diaphragmatic breaths. I've never been the anxious, scared, freaked out type... I am easily excitable, yes... but never this easily freaked. It's scary. I'm scary. I'm scared

Huggup pillow

I am sleeping with your Huggup pillow now ma. It's 645am on a Sunday. I woke up to wee and I walked into your room to check dad. He's sleeping soundly. I wonder how it must feel to sleep alone on the bed for the first time in over 30 years? I miss you so much ma. I am dreaming you more often now. in fact I'm awake now cuz I woke up from a dream with you. I'm back under covers writing this from my itouch. Oh btw, I got my new camera!!! It's pretty amazing and I haven't even checked out 99% of it's features yet. Oh and ma, I'm flaring up really badly lately but I'm trying really hard to manage school through it. I need to do another infusion asap. I love you so much ma! I miss you so hard that it hurts deep inside of me. I miss hugging you up. You know I am a hug addict and you were my number 1 weakness. Mommy... I love you. Please take care of me in whatever way you can. I need you still

Suffer no more

You really suffered Ma... you really went through so much pain and discomfort!

You suffered... tortured in your own body.

But you never stopped loving me. 

To the very end, you held on to me with the last umph of strength you had in your hands. 

To the very end, you held onto me with all the emotion and connection possible. 

You never stopped loving me

I would never stop loving you

I miss you Ma

I want to email you

*breatheeeeeeeee* You know... I intended to email you everyday while I was up in my apt... like the good ole days, cept it woulda been easier cuz I have wifi... Gosh Ma, I didn't expect this :'(

I'm sitting here in my new apartment, spending my very 1st night... and I got no you to call me. Got no you to email me. Got no you to worry about me hoping I'm okie. I got no you to email me

& I have wifi ma! I have wifi :'( 

This hurts so much ... so much!

Break in the banks

Dear Ma
I came here to write to you saying that I'm organizing for my 1st official day back out to school... good old UWI.... but then I saw a video I was tagged in, a tribute to you made by the Sai Youth.
I cried ma... I finally cried. And it felt like just the tip of the iceberg.
Ma...
Anyways, I been up since 4am cuz I gotta reach for 8am... well, daz when my ride has to reach, my actual class isn't till midday. I hope you are seeing all this & watch over me today okie?
I love you
:'(

4 days later

Things are getting harder. I'm having too many conflicting emotions. Anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, worry, agitation, frustration, sadness, deep sadness, loneliness, being deserted, overwhelmed, blank, volatile...
I don't know who to trust or hold onto anymore, I'm tempted to push everyone away... or well, you know me, more like... retract into myself and fall away instead. I'm so scared of doing that because at the same time I don't want to be alone... but I'm terrified of relying on anyone anymore, because it hurts too much to be let down. I hate being this vulnerable on the inside. I really miss her. I think I am going to go up to bed early tonight and finally cry.
On another note, I don't feel very well. Headache, joint flare, pain, nausea & general malaise... & you know how much fever makes me miserable. I find myself clenching & grinding my teeth sometimes to keep myself from breaking down... sometimes I hold my breath & try to swallow. Gosh, I know I will get through this, but it's just... really hard... & I know it's gonna get worst before it gets better. Guide me, please.
PS: It's 1 week since the ambulance took her to the hospital
PPS: I don't trust my own feelings right now so I don't trust my decisions to push ppl away *sighs*

I know you loved to check my blog

Dear Ma,

Your brothers are over right now, well 3 of them a.t.m & Adrian. They're playing all fours and uncle Johnny is making a huge pot of soup. It's not too bad right now... Their company is keeping me from missing you too much as yet. In all honesty though, it hasn't hit me yet. I remember you told me not to cry for me when you die and I told you that I will bawl down d place and then die after... and you told me no I won't. Well... I took myself by surprise, cuz I didn't cry. There were hundreds of ppl for the service & cremation... & I didn't cry. I was happy for you. Happy you can leave that body you were suffering in. I need to cry though... & I'm just delaying the inevitable. So far the only person I truly broke down in front off was Rao, your new favorite pseudo son hahahaha... As soon as he walked into the room, in just seconds, w/o saying a word... I started to cry. I'm having a hard time standing any of the other family/ppl around though... Your immediate family is fine & my chosen friends... but everyone else is just a blur or has me on the edge of tripping. But I'm holding it together for now... Please make sure that when I do fall apart, that you're there to keep the pieces from scattering too far & you can help me put it back together again.
Love always,
Your Shugs

PS: I'm sleeping with that Kaftan you came into d hospital with... the one they slit down to take off of you and I told u dat not to worry, u can wear it as a shirt lol ..... We washed it, so don't think I'm that gross. But I'm sleeping with it next to my pillow. 

I made Fat my friend

I just had this thought: If I was back to my original size... or generally a 'skinny b*tch' (yes, I got that from the book)... my life right now would probably have been considerably more complicated. I realize maybe people really do take comfort and solitude in fat. That people really do protect themselves and hide behind it. You see right... being overweight right now messes horribly with my self esteem... which would immediately make me put myself in the 'one of the boys' category in my own relations w the opposite sex.... and thus never have to deal with the self consciousness and demands of being a 'bess thing' that guys always checking out.

I can easily be good friends with so many guys now, and have relations run so smoothly, because there is no uncomfortable 'checking me out' scene... I am - One of the Guys -

But sooner or later, I will be back to my original size...Hmmm..... but least in the mean while I would have fostered some good friendships with a deeper foundation other than being 'bess'

Ok I gtg now, I left my subway toasting in the oven :)

The Smiths - Asleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

I real donno what's wrong with me. I'm making myself blog this.

Hmmm... I change my mind

In a nutshell, there is a cold sweaty weakness that takes over my body... makes it hard to swallow. A wave of it came over me so strong, that I ended up on bed. I was trapped in a state of sleep/wake ...and the only reason I got up was because I really needed to wee. I was drifting, literally drifting about all dizzy. The feeling reminds me of that most horrible experience I had after my surgery when I blacked out. It's like an after-shock...

Maybe I'm having phantom post-op sensations .... or maybe something really is wrong with me

I end this here because my limbs cannot type anymore

Someday I would be a flower...

I disappear

I'm listening to a few Hootie and The Blowfish songs right now - Thank you YouTube for making music so easily accessible and thank you 25mb internet connection for making songs load so easily.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out something about myself. Hmmm... I don't know why it is I want out so badly. Like... I was just waiting for a series of events to be over so I no longer have to be coasting the obligatory roles that accompany it. The immense freedom I feel now, is indescribable. But why should I want to be dis-involved? Hmmm it's almost like I can't trust that this is what I really want or if it's the m(s)adness talking. I'm really leaning towards the former though, and just questioning my intentions because ... well... my mom made out my scene. I really want to get away. Maybe it's because I know that I never really can. But my God it feels so good to just disappear from that whole scene.  

Maybe I won't stop till I get it right

My mom asked me today if I was going insane...

Tonight I cried. I cried like someone had died. 

And I let him be there for me...

The Perks of being a Wallflower

I sat outside in my porch reading till the point I needed to use my kindle case light to see.... The Perks of Being a Wallflower is going sooooooo good! I keep re-reading passages in awe. What disturbs me a little, is that... I'm really relating to the protagonist... in ways that I probably shouldn't. It's messing with my mind... The things he says, the way he thinks... It's as though I'm suddenly becoming aware that my thoughts maybe aren't that unusual... But then again, Charlie is supposedly a very odd character... and now 45% into the book, I'm realizing that he's maybe as unwell as I am.... (hmm) There are so many passages and paragraphs that I want to quote but I won't... not as yet. Maybe when I finish the book. I see they're making it into a Movie in 2012... I can't wait to see it! It's a YA novel... I can't imagine reading this when I was younger. The timing right NOW... is perfect

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

My most favorite song of all time! (loved it since it came out in 1997) ... here is a cover version which amazingly enough, I'm absolutely in love with as well:



♩ ♪ ♫


When I was young I knew everything
She, a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks' worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


♩ ♪ ♫


To download the Original Song, click here: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen MP3

The Calm

"They made us participate in their own madness, because we couldn't help but retrace their steps, rethink their thoughts, and see that none of them led to us. We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm" - The Virgin Suicides

The whosh of blood in my head is so loud. If my contained behaviour is so disturbing then imagin what you will think if you saw me now. I want all this to end. I don't want anymore. I can't handle it and I can't handle you! :'( ... I just want out, please. Please...

Dear Universe

What..de..Yam! I don't get it! Universe... what are u doing?? Twists & turns so many, I can't keep up. Why must you be so awesomely confusing? :-/ I am barely allowed to recognize a change or grasp it's meaning before another one stems out of it. It's as though all developments spiral onto each other at the same time and feed off each other and build on each other at the same time.

Not a moment passes from a specific, stated desire before you throw the most ironic string of events my way.

You must think I can handle this all... I pray you're not mistaken. But are you ever really?

Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public  - Paulo Coelho

THIS is all in living

I was lying on bed feeling overwhelmed: scared, anxious, skeptical, worried & spiraling down into a range of negative emotions about doing something - from scratch - dropping everything I did before & following my dream. Going somewhere that has sooooooooooooo many bitter sweet memories and essentially taking the hardest route possible in my range of choices. A true challenge to myself. Then out of no where... these words came to me with such force & with so much emotion behind it that I just HAD to write it down. I pulled out my iTouch and at that 4am hour, this is what I wrote:

This is part of my life!! It's not something that I'm just trying to finish, it's something I am going to experience! To actually live each step 1 at a time. I am where I am supposed to be. Each moment is in itself a destination. I don't have to worry or fear that i don't have it all figured out. I don't have to be afraid. I just need to go and live! Why feel bad? Why rush? Life does not start when you [omitted text]. Life begins NOW. Life always has been and I can't keep waiting in fear. This is my experience. It is my life. It is my now. One step at a time. Everything is as it should be. You'll be great!! :)

Sent from my iPod


I never want to forget this. It was as if God was speaking to me. Or out of no where, with no stimulation what so ever, I tapped into some sort of deep seated knowledge sleeping inside of me...or a spark of the universal truth just burst into my brain. I cannot describe it. But I want to keep remembering this.

Part of a letter to a friend

Maybe I am somewhere so deep & I'm so accustom to that I can't fathom the possibility of there being a better brighter alternative? ... It's hard to grasp. Can we become COMFORTABLE with pain & sadness to the point it really does become the norm?

Let me be

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna be anything more than whatever it takes to just stay here on bed . I need there to be a way to not go.

Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

All you see is red lights behind me

Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby

and I don't blame you falling backwards

No one's ever quite confused you this way

and all this time we wasted away

The never ending cycle

Maybe this is why we just can't be totally Good
Because I can't deal with how much I hate the fact that I love you
And the subtleties of that vibe will forever stand in our way
As long as I feel it
And I'll keep feeling the hate of love as long as we're not good
How's that for ironic? (youmotherfuckingasshole)

You have this inexplicable ability to .... me

Is it enough for you to kill me?

Is it okay if I died?

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild- mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you. The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

From the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I sink into myself

I can't think. I can't make decisions. The mere idea of making plans and decisions and any sort of activity that requires mental and physical energy is overwhelming me. I had to send out an email inviting people to an upcoming event and it took everything out of me to gather myself and my thoughts and TRY, really try to type the email up with some sort of coherence far less vitality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I feel unbelievably listless. A friend was simply asking me some questions regarding my mom and plans for this weekend and fathers day and what time I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I SWEAR to God, I started feeling a kind of ZAP in my brain!!! An actual physical neurological zap feeling in my head, like a flash of light that HURT... and I got so overwhelmed I just started to cry. I started to F****** CRY because I had to THINK to answer questions??? What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to start back school. I'm even dreaming about it. I'm dreaming myself in new apartments renting outside UWI. I'm reading about options and worrying myself sick with trying to figure out what to do, what I want... but then there comes a point where I just fall OFF. I go go go... develop in my thoughts and yearning... and as soon as it reaches where I need to actually do something, it stops. I can't. I can't function. I just sink back into myself.

I can't make plans. I can't organize anything. I have a meeting coming up and I must go. We're meeting to make plans and organize things. What am I going to do? *sighs*

I'm scared... I keep crying. Everything is so difficult. Getting dressed makes me tired. The idea of getting dressed makes me tired. I don't want to do anything. & that scares me...

Fight me

Just thinking about you makes me feel sick. My stomach in knots, my chest heavy, my head starts spinning and tears threaten to escape. You're like a disease; a horrible horrible affliction that's fueled by addiction and clearly I'm a rebelling masochist fighting against my own masochistic nature of loving you.

If I'm fighting against myself and I win... did I really lose? 

If you knew how much this was hurting me, would you do things differently?

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

♡ ❤ ❥ ♡ ♥ ღ ɞ

Black Hole

Dilated pupil ... in broad daylight

Am I high?

I woke up this morning... floating. My body was bobbing around, spinning, drifting around and around and upside down. My limbs were resting on a cloud of nothingness. It was so sooooo unbelievably amazing.
I wasn't moving though... I was just lying there, physically dead to the world, but floating around effortlessly on the inside. I had to force myself awake... I could barely open my eyes.


My head... my head was pounding. I didn't want to wake up.


I eventually got downstairs, made a cuppa coffee and sat down............... I covered it and went right back on bed. After awhile I opened back my eyes and noticed that all moving objects had a trail behind it. Like those cursor options you get on your computer, to leave a trail. 


At this very moment, it's still happening. A trail *moves my hand* ... yup... a trail!


Mom asked me what drugs I'm taking. Dad thinks I'm getting sick. But I'm okie... 


My pupils are still dilated

Dilated

Oh Jesus
In my entire life, I've never seen my pupils this dilated
I actually, shocked myself! I stood over the sink last night, brushing my teeth and I watched myself in the mirror... & like something out of the movies, I did a double take! like 'wait, what?!' ...... I stared into my own eyes and thought 'what the hell!' ............. 'I must be imagining things'
Later that night, I lay down next to mom on bed and was watching her eyes and I suddenly had an idea!
'WAIT' I said
I ran into another room, scrambling around looking for a little mirror.
I got one and came back next to her..... we faced the exact same light and I watched her eyes..... then watched mine....


HUGE DARK HOLES INTO MY SOUL!!!


My eyes were super dilated!!!
Now tonight, I've actually been told that I look 'drunk' or 'high' or 'on something' ...
You should see my EYES!!!

This is a pretty accurate example

You gave me something that I didn't have

I love to share. Many of you know that... I'm always giving things. I can't not! I just... want to. If I can, I will.


But do you even know that I love to share of myself? I walk that line between being afraid to show it and wanting to just bare it all. Sometimes I just want to share who I am... what I'm going through... what I think... how I feel. Sometimes I want to just listen and be there for others.


I have so much to offer... and the ones that I give to... will inevitably fall away. I share me... I lose you.

Progress... Tragedy

A quote from a friend's blog The Heights and The Lows, re-posted to my blog:

The progress of the world lies in man’s innate desire to possess that which he is denied by all forms of convention and constraint. The tragedy of the world is that man always loses appreciation for that which he possesses.

Maybe I should start my meds tonight 

You attract what you fear

I became everything I never wanted to... 
...and did all the things I said I never would... 
...and lost exactly what it is I feared losing. 
Good job Tunks. 
You master self-sabotage. 
Now onto a less painful life lesson... 
(before you stop living)

Mute May

A month without blogging ...
I guess some things really don't change. When life becomes most crazy and I have the most the say... it's the one time I say nothing. Nothing now, can possibly describe the last month I've had

Your physical form is no more

Andres: Swami didn't make it
Me: What?

This was how the conversation began. My 1st thought was that someone didn't make it to the satsangh that he just went to. Darn. I didn't make it either... I was home sicky. But then, that would be quite a horrible typo to make though... mixing up *insert person's name* with 'Swami'

But it wasn't a mistake. Swami didn't make it. Sathya Sai Baba has left his physical form.

I have been incredibly reserved about my experiences in the Ashram. It was all intensely personal and definitely not something that's easily said or understood by others. I could never say this to others... everyone was estatic on my behalf! It was a personal and somewhat bitter argument between Swami and I. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go. I didn't need to see him physical. I never wanted to. But no one see's Bhagawan w/o him wanting it to happen.... even if I didn't. Now I know why...

I keep thinking 'Swami... you knew! You've known all along! You called me to see you despite all my protest and reservations... you made SURE of it... because you knew" ..... No one else knew. No one knew that just the day after I landed back in Trinidad, that he would end up in the hospital.

I am tempted to be sorry. But I cannot be. I am happy, sad and immensely grateful. I've never been attached to his physical form, never wanted to be. Never cared to. It was all about love and a way of life. Swami allowed me his darshan and graced me with intense stares... blanking my mind! & it was then I re-affirmed my belief that 'I don't need to see you again... I am happy with just this once'

Once... was my Karma. Thank you Swami!  

My Zahir... A soul recognition, a mind tortured with our bodies removed & this heart beats alone. It shouldn't be...

Happy 420

Gonez tro

Ha! I want to scream!! and laugh... and cry..... all at the same time!
My hands..... oh my hands are sweaty! 


I love you and I want to slam my head into yours, so it hurts us equally 


That and many other non-violent things as well

Say goodnight

I'm tired... I know, I've got to be tired. My body and mind have been going through some extra strain lately, so it's only logical that I would be tired... right?


But why am I so ... (afraid?) to go up to bed right now? I know I need to sleep. But just the thought of heading upstairs, alone... lying on bed, alone... with my brain


Yet at the same time, I'm not exactly communicating to say I'm covered in company. 
There is something scary about ending a night. But I know I can start a new day tomorrow. 
I just need to end tonight... let it go

Let's drive & operate heavy machinery

I was asked today to take the car & go pick up my uncle since he had no transport to get by us (and no one home here was available) 


I grabbed my bag and keys and got out the house w/o even changing my flour covered home clothes or washing the grime off my face. I couldn't let that chance be taken away by a change of mind after time.


The realization that came after was profound!!! How amazingly liberating it feels, to drive... ALONE! Just myself in the car, a/c on ... but not even the radio. Just me, alone behind the wheel. No nagging voices and quarrelling that passes off as discussion. No co-pilot freaking out on my behalf and transferring their nervousness.  I always second guess myself and think that maybe I would never really find my driving groove. That maybe I will always be nervous.


But today I drove alone... and I was okie... I was at peace...  I was happy.... and it was the best I'd ever driven in my life!

Can you feel it?

"...Learn to detach.”

…

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?”

“… detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience *penetrate* you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you *fully*. That’s how you are able to leave it.

…

Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. … I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we are frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

- Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.

Care doesn't have an on button

Omg, I can't do it.
I was 'this close' ... THIS close from just pressing that button and feeling layers of my pride be ripped away with the echo of each unanswered pause.
I want to share all this with you. I want to tell you about this great news! How much it scares me and excites me. I want to tell you how funny it was, how it all came to be.
I want to tell you the story of my day! Of being stranded in town, with no money, no phone and no car... of all the things I felt and thought and how the entire day played out. How I got escorted by police to a car that I wasn't even driving and was made to pretend I was. I want to share all of this...
But I didn't. Because it's not enough. Why? Because what I really want, is what I'm not going to get: I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me. I want you to tell me it's okie and scare me even more. I want you to listen... to understand...
I want you to care
But I cannot do that.
Sharing with you is half of what I want... you wanting me to share with you is the other half, that if absent, makes everything null and void. So... I let you drift by in silence... 


(and God knows how much that kills me)
(it's not supposed to hurt this much)
(how can something hurt so much?)
(why do I hurt soooo bad?)

Waking like this...

I woke up this morning and conversations started replaying in my head. All sorts of things I wish I never heard
I started remembering my dreams, vaguely, but I was seeing bits and pieces.
The world was in turmoil.. or maybe it had been. Hardly many ppl are left. It's dry, hot, very dusty.
I am afraid, but I am trying to be strong. I go looking for something, somewhere... a place to rest.
I am caught somehow... in a room lined with iron door panels which all move with a suction force inwards, one after the next... as if the air pressure in the room has changed. It has. I am sealed in. Trapped.
I open something and become aware that I am now contaminated. A monitor shows the bacteria/virus spreading onto my skin. Invisible to the naked eye.
A woman laughs. She LAUGHS at me. She has done this.
But I don't believe I will fall ill like all the others who perished before me.
Some part of me knows that I am indestructible.

Back to the conversations in my head now. I woke up sad. Sad that I have lost respect and admiration for someone. Now I'm weary. I woke up and I just feel sick inside... I just want to cry. Need to.... but I can't... not right now.

I just called my doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. I've waited long enough. I can barely hold on

????

I want to
I don't
I want to
I don't
I need to
I don't know
I need to
I don't know
I cannot understand
I don't want to understand
I need to understand
I don't need to understand
I can't
I have to
I can't
I have to
I don't want to!
I want to!
I need to
I don't want to!
I Don't Know!
I do know
I know
I know
Nothing

Oh FMS

I enter... heart racing, hands cold

Smile on my lips

Fear in my eyes

I am beautiful

Everyone is looking at me

Everyone is talking to me

But...

All I see is you

Heart racing, hands wet

My face is still

My voice swallowed 

I am SCREAMING inside

Screaming

Begging

Praying

I am quiet

I am screwed 

I don't want to lose you

I've never re-blogged anything before... but this one hit me SO hard and SO close to home... I won't even bother to explain beyond just sharing it as it is...

"Sometimes you forgive people just for the simple fact that you still want them to be in your life.”

It’s a quote that has been plaguing me for lack of a better word for the better half of two days. Some pretty simple words save for the word “forgive” which is pretty poignant and powerful all on its own, but strung together to become a significant sentence.

Needless to say, that one phrase has been repeating itself on a constant loop over and over in my head, looming over me like the metaphorical rainy cloud everywhere I go with no umbrella in sight.

How is it, as complex creatures of this earth, born with the capacity to mull things over and analyze them with a hopeful resolution, that it is so difficult to bring some sense of coherence to a statement like this? When I say coherence I don’t mean logical sense because it is a phrase that is true in its entirety, but rather coherence in the sense that we understand, yet do nothing to rectify the emotional turmoil to which it’s attached.

Why forgive people just to keep them as permanent fixtures in your life? We forgive but never forget. We forgive while simultaneously massacring our entire self worth and dignity.

Permanent reminders of emotional scars are eternally embedded all because bad choices are made, founded on weak moments of selective memories of good times.  

I think human nature is synonymous with masochism.

We delude ourselves into thinking things could improve, and smile when we ought to be solemnly vowing that it will never happen again. Blaming anyone but yourself for this is absurd and irrational to say the least because we allow persons to think it’s ok because they will be forgiven.

They will always be the bad habit that we return to.

Written by 'Word Bits' to whom all credit goes to