Where are you? I really miss you!
It hurts more and more each day. Is this just the beginning? I didn't think it would get worst as time goes by... the pain of losing you... missing you... being confused. I'm so sorry Ma. For everything!!! I was selfish and impatient and ignorant and I didn't stop to truly recognize how much you were trying... not until it was too late. It breaks my heart ma, it BREAKS my heart... that you fought so hard even up till the end, if not for you, but to protect me :( ... I believed you! I honestly believed you when you said you were gonna be okay and you would live to play with your grand-kids. Was I that naive? Did you really believe it too? Was that what you wanted? Did death just take you away? Were you ready? Were you protecting me from the truth? Were you preparing me? Were you scared? ... You begged me not to leave you :( You begged me not to leave you alone... and I promised I won't. I promised I would stay... (but I couldn't) ... and then, that was the last thing you ever said to me Ma. I don't know how to deal with this... with you being gone. I still can't accept it. It hurts so much - each moment of pain is just as fresh and raw and real as the previous... if not worst. I'm so sorry ma... I forgive you for everything! I'm SO sorry I wasn't better. I'm so sorry... I just can't believe it Ma. I haven't told ppl about the last few days... not even Kevin knows of how hard and scary that was for me... and for you. I would NEVER forget the look on your face when the ambulance was taking you away. Gosh ma... I promised you it was going to be okay. I would NEVER forget the night before when I was holding you in my arms, you said that it felt so good, like you're in Vykunt... Why did you have to die now Ma? It's not supposed to be this way. You promised me! That you will not die till I'm married with my own kids. Why did I blindly believe that??
What about the stupid Astrologers in India? He didn't say you were going to die just a few months later!! He lied to us both! I hate him. Ma... why didn't I know that you were really going to die? Why didn't I know? Did you know? I cry all the time now Ma... Tears and pain is all I have right now. I miss you so much Ma! Do you know that? Are you here with me? Are you reading this? I need you to know, that I'm not okay and if you can see this, please... please... help me be okay again. I miss you Ma. There's a hollow churning void inside of me now... and no one can really understand that. Part of me died with you Ma. I love you
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