4 days later

Things are getting harder. I'm having too many conflicting emotions. Anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, worry, agitation, frustration, sadness, deep sadness, loneliness, being deserted, overwhelmed, blank, volatile...
I don't know who to trust or hold onto anymore, I'm tempted to push everyone away... or well, you know me, more like... retract into myself and fall away instead. I'm so scared of doing that because at the same time I don't want to be alone... but I'm terrified of relying on anyone anymore, because it hurts too much to be let down. I hate being this vulnerable on the inside. I really miss her. I think I am going to go up to bed early tonight and finally cry.
On another note, I don't feel very well. Headache, joint flare, pain, nausea & general malaise... & you know how much fever makes me miserable. I find myself clenching & grinding my teeth sometimes to keep myself from breaking down... sometimes I hold my breath & try to swallow. Gosh, I know I will get through this, but it's just... really hard... & I know it's gonna get worst before it gets better. Guide me, please.
PS: It's 1 week since the ambulance took her to the hospital
PPS: I don't trust my own feelings right now so I don't trust my decisions to push ppl away *sighs*