Saturday, May 12, 2012

You never deigned to believe

Sometimes while Lolita would be haphazardly preparing her homework, sucking a pencil, lolling sideways in an easy chair with both legs over its arm, I would shed all my pedagogic restraint, dismiss all our quarrels, forget all my masculine pride – and literally crawl on my knees to your chair, my Lolita! You would give me one look – a gray furry question mark of a look: “Oh no, not again” (incredulity, exasperation); for you never deigned to believe that I could, without any specific designs, ever crave to bury my face in your plaid skirt, my darling! The fragility of those bare arms of yours – how I longed to enfold them, all your four limpid lovely limbs, a folded colt, and take your head between my unworthy hands, and pull the temple skin back on both sides, and kiss your chinesed eyes, and – “Pulease, leave me alone, will you” you would say, “for Christ’s sake leave me alone.” And I would get up from the floor while you looked on, your face deliberately twitching in imitation of my tic nerveux. But never mind, never mind, I am only a brute, never mind, let us go on with my miserable story.
Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov 
Part 2, chapter 10

A past I've never known

'Hey' she said, an obvious smile in her voice as he showed up out of the blue and leaned over her.
I saw her hand caressing his arm, in the most natural of ways.
Tiny hands, thin fingers. Nails long, blunt cut and painted.
Her fingers gently weaving a story on his skin with supple ease of motion 
I stood there a few feet behind them, unmoving 
and for a brief moment, all I could think was
"Those were the hands that touched him; that's the touch he felt"
Though he's now mine, he was once hers

Sunday, May 06, 2012

The Pencil

I really love my Pencil. The weight is so nicely distributed - a solid feel that practically pulls you towards the tip ♥

Saturday, May 05, 2012

Sighssssss

I wish I could tell you I'm sorry
I wish I had spent more time... just more time, because I didn't know that was all the time I had left
I wish I didn't have to spend my first birthday without you next week
I wish I still had you here for mothers day... what am I going to do?
I'm sorry ma...

Monday, April 23, 2012

Tryst with Happiness



Today I woke up, made myself a sandwich, took a nice long hot shower, changed and walked out to the football field in the 1pm sun and sat on a bench for about 45mins, just taking in the sun and breeze and nature :) My b/f met me there and we came back to my apartment where we chilled, laughed, talked, horse around, laughed some more and just downright enjoyed a lovely relaxing evening together. Then a friend called, picked us up and we all went for doubles! Ended the night with a burning bang! heheh. So today was a beautiful day - a tryst with happiness in between all the stress and drama of Final Exams etc.

I'm a Major Microblogger

The posting of very short entries or updates on a blog or social networking site, typically via a cell phone.

Sunday, April 22, 2012

Running out of time

I'm so frustrated right now. I feel like I'm just stuck! I don't know what to do >.< I can't seem to chose a topic for essay 1 in Social Psychology. I spent an hour reading one topic, then realized I just don't want to do it anymore. I hate this. I'm supposed to have 2 to 3 topics prepared per essay section, and I can't even pick one!
Now I'm reviewing things I've already learned for midterms and I feel like I can't remember anything anymore. My brain doesn't want to learn or something. Then there's Statistics - I'm entirely screwed for this exam. I don't know how to handle my time right now. I think I'm panicking.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

This song... is sex



Bring your love baby I could bring my shame
Bring the drugs baby I could bring my pain
I got my heart right here
I got my scars right here

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

Hopefully I won't hurt anyone

It's rather weird, but randomly I sometimes think these words 
KILL | DIE | STAB | SCREAM
and there's this intense violent urge scratching under the surface of my skin

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

After the tears, the reasons for the fears

I never realized till now how terrifying it is to realize that someone has had all of you...
That level of trust I thought was beyond me
This is a tricky place to be
So I will be scared, I will cry and I will trust
Love does that

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Stiff?

A few minutes into one of my classes today, my lecturer suddenly looked in my direction and asked "You have a stiff neck?" ... I said "Who, me?" ... she said "yeah"... I said "Yeah kinda"... *pause*... "You can see it?" ... She said "Yeah" ....... Then we continued on our discussion about how childhood disorders differ from those of different ages.

My discussion ended there for awhile though, least in my head... I couldn't help but wonder how noticeable my symptoms are becoming; if it was something more pronounced lately because of the stress of upcoming exams, or was it because she was just observant and happened to be at just the right angle such that I had to twist my body to see her, or if this is how it's always been and  I just got so accustomed to it, as much as those closest to me such that these disabilities have become part of who I am.

So yeah, I cannot:

  • Turn my head much
  • Make a fist
  • Drop my shoulders
  • Reach my hands behind my back
  • Fold my legs
  • Walk fast
As much as I would like to think that I've forgotten these things, adjusting and functioning in a seemingly normal way requires effort and thus, cognition. 

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Best I stay in my room

I'm really, really unhappy about my weight - body image - right now
Constantly my mind jumps to these thoughts of dissatisfaction, disgust, self consciousness, sadness... I hate how I look and how it makes me feel. I really, really do! 

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Since mom died...

I just signed into my email, saw 2 mails and immediately deleted them. For the last 10years of my life, this was something I would never have done. It was my horoscope.
Since my mom died, I stopped reading my horoscope - I felt lied to and cheated by it since they still send her her horoscope ... but she's not even alive!
Since mom died, I've stopped going to Satsangh. I haven't gone to a rock show, concert or any big lime. I find it really difficult and thus fail miserably at keeping in touch with most of the people in my life.
Since mom died, it feels like the house itself is slowly dying... like the life force of 'home' is no longer here. I feel like I have to use up all the products or throw them away since they are rapidly approaching their own demise.
Since mom died, I've been eating without being hungry. I eat as though I have no idea where my next meal is coming from; and half the times, I don't.


Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Golly!

Approximately 2 weeks ago, I made an entry - click here to read that post - called "A's?" I quote:
I got an A in one of my midterms
3 more results are still outstanding
I'm pretty sure that this A would be my best mark for these midterms though
Now, I'm still in disbelief as I'm typing this but since then I got 2 more of my results and both were A's! Both of these came as a surprise to me. The 1st one I got an A- when I was honestly just hoping to pass, since I remember being really sick for that exam. The 2nd one, I saw my results just a few hours ago, I got 1pt short of the highest in my class ... I was shocked! Really and truly shocked by that result. See the thing is, I left out a question worth 2 marks, so out of 25, I was already looking at 23. The highest mark was 22 and well, you worked it out - I got 21/25.  


Me talking about it or being all happy may seen boastful or to a lot of people, they may think of my good grades as 'expected' - but the thing is, I've never been one of those 'A' students. This is the 1st time this is happening to me, least since primary school days. I personally still cannot figure out if it's me doing well, or the system just being easy; but according to the frequency distribution of results so far, I'm actually on the top end. 


Anyways... I'm happy about this result. All things considered, all the madness and sadness in my life lately, at least there is this one thing that's saying 'hey, don't give up, you're doing something good here' -- (at least for midterms)

Thursday, March 22, 2012

This boy, my boy :)

Sometimes I look at him and all I can think is "wow, I really like this boy"
I think he's absolutely wonderful
He's such a horrible, beautiful person

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Curled up with my book :)


For this

When I look at it now, I realize... Today... was Perfect
You, were perfect
I will capture this memory forever to remind me that when things get rough and life gets tough... this will always be worth living for; this is the reason and result of being Us 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A's?

I got an A in one of my midterms
3 more results are still outstanding
I'm pretty sure that this A would be my best mark for these midterms though
In all seriousness, I was wondering what it would be like if I could be one of those straight A's students.
Hmmm
Maybe I can give it a try

Monday, March 05, 2012

Imbalance - Insanity

It's not enough
I love more
I care more
I need more
I want more
I do more
I see more
I listen more
I say more
I sacrifice more
I compromise more
I give more
I feel more
I hurt more

Nothing else matters at this moment


Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Classes today

Today, for both my classes, I somehow ended up sitting within close proximity of my tutors and making a lot of contributions to the discussions, even if only with questions and queries. I know I shouldn't be surprised, but in a way I am. I keep wanting to think that I'm shy, maybe I am. I am theorizing a correlation between sitting up in front and the ease of which I can comment and query things in class.
Essentially it comes down to simply this: 
1. I cannot see the people sitting behind me so it's easy to create a bubble where it's just the teacher and myself and block everyone else out, and
2. being within direct visual contact of the tutor, it's also easier for me to speak when they glance at me first during the cursory perusal of the otherwise blank faces - which sometimes include my own.

Things to do tomorrow

  1. Wake up on time
  2. Eat a burger for breakfast [ended up eating it for dinner]
  3. Take medication
  4. Shower
  5. Change
  6. Rest a 5
  7. Head to campus for class
  8. Pay attention [not really]
  9. Collect my order after class
  10. Share some of what I buy [I shared 10 of the 12]
  11. Have lunch
  12. Get a bank statement at the ATM [totally forgot]
  13. Stare at it
  14. Buy something for dinner [ headed back early because I had a ride]
  15. Go back to my apartment
  16. Take off my clothes
  17. Drop on bed
  18. Wait
  19. Complete all the above without crying 
Update: Didn't head back to my apartment alone, so that was fun :) ... But I couldn't end the night w/o crying - a good few times in fact :(

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Another day is not really guaranteed




And I don't wanna take for granted the time you may have here with me'Cause Lord only knows another day is not really guaranteed
So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I'm trying...

I don't know what's more painful... loneliness, or trying to get out of it