Merry Christmas

I know i'm a bit late, but I just wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! Seasons Greetings & enjoy the rest of 2007.

The Hurt - The Anger

Where does this rage come from?
Where does the need to hate the ones we love
come from?
Sometimes we just want to reach out & hold them in our arms
& strangle them slowly, watching them squirm & writhe in silent pain!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation instigated by the above piece of writing:

Friend says:
hmmmm
Interesting
sure that felt good to get it out huh?

Tunks says:
i felt really guilty reading it after
& guilty even writing it
but it did feel good getting it out

Friend says:
why....
u know i kinda realise sometimes we jus need to feel the anger...the hate..and den most of the times its sadness underneath it all
and we jus need to get it out

Tunks says:
YEP!
'in order to get over something, u need to get tro it first'
it applies to anger as well
sometimes I jus need to really feel it!, cuz if i pretend that im not, or out of guilt supress it, then it becomes just that... supressed
& almost ALWAYS, at the bottom of it all - is hurt
...hurt from being disappointed, feeling foolish, having expectations not met, feeling underminded or disrespected
once a feeling of anger arises - its almost always because of hurt
...even if u've hurt urself

Blue October

And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his sh*t and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive

This is a excerpt of lyrics from the song "Drilled A Wire Through My Cheek" - Blue October

Unbelievable

People fascinate me.
People's ability to be rude, mean, disrespectful & downright evil...
People's ability to become detached, uncaring, seemingly oblivious & unfazed...
People's ability to hurt another person intentionally without a pang of remorse...

Fascination doesn’t cut it at all. It actually worries me... & above all, it scares me!

Why do they do it?
HOW could they do it?
Why do people do these things just because they can?

DISCLAIMER

Note to those who might decide to leave inappropriate, derogatory comments with profanity etc:

Next time, leave your correct name & contact info, not just Anonymous. Using Anonymous or any alias means you will be totally disregarded & the comment deemed to be a reflection of your own self opinion.

Sometimes...only sometimes

....Trauma. Pain. Abuse. Neglect. Loss. Illness. Grief....

Sometimes we become satisfied that the causal relationship exonerates us from any further responsibility or culpability.

Sometimes it explains everything.

Sometimes it excuses & relieves us of the responsibility for the ramifications & other damages that we do to ourselves & others.

Sometimes it's just too real.

But it's only sometimes. We choose to fill the spaces & make them wider, fuller & less frequent. We choose to recognize & recover.

We choose.

Possibility vs Certainty

This is one of my favorite quote from a book I read called 'Brick Lane' by Monica Ali

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,but what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older, is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

I really love this quote!

I don't like this

I realized once again, that one of the worst feelings is being helpless, especially when the thing that is not in your control and is not fated by you, affects you directly & deeply.

How do you hand over the reigns of a decision when every fiber of your being needs an outcome favorable to you?

Where do we draw the line between 'you always have a choice' and 'have faith & trust in fate'?

Now the worst thing is waiting

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering
— Paulo Coelho:By the River Piedra I sat down and wept

No assurance

Again:

I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, have little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.

It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.

I haven't forgotten - Life won't let me...

I took almost an hour tonight thinking & then looking for this entry. It was written back in early 2005.

The Irony of Happiness

You have to let go of the happiness when it still is happiness; that is the only way to preserve it. Sometimes we hold on to little bits of life hoping it would never change but the more we hold on the more it changes, and then it turns into something which is exactly the opposite to what we had. But we still hold on, and that is the memory and pain we are left with

These words have been drifting around my mind since. As I lay in bed, I took advantage of absorbing the 3am sort of silence ... the kind thats marked by more than just the absence of sound...the kind of silence in which I can actually hear the pulsation of the world around me...thats what it felt like. And these words came back to me...I can't expand on them any more than they are self explanatory.

And then I thought - If only I had known them earlier...now they're something I'll never forget

I love my blog!

Footsteps

I hear heavy footsteps walking upstairs

But who could it be?... when no one else is home except me and the person sitting across from me...

I felt this

Have you ever felt so amazingly happy and overwhelmed with a peaceful contentment that you actually felt High? Intoxicated? Drugged? Your eyes could barely open beyond a slit... your breathing gets deep and soft and your entire body melts?

The mind-body connection is fantastic!

Unofficial Ad. for Johnsons lol

What is it about baby products that get me so happy?

Johnson's and Johnson's: Baby Powder Calming lavender and chamomile, Baby Powder Vanilla and Jasmine, Baby Shampoo - no tears :D, Baby Oil, Johnsons Soothing Naturals Body and Hair wash, Johnsons Soothing Naturals Moisturizing lotion...... sigh! I love it! :D Really! I do!

I think I want them all! Johnson's mostly! (yes they got me in the 'brand loyalty' group'

The heart writes...

...and when he died...
I never thought that I could feel pain, so much
that I couldn't feel anymore
Nothing mattered...nothing was
there was nothing...
but pain

I need a game theory

Humans are habitual creatures

We get into one regime and stick to it, as long as it satisfied that need for stability and as long as it protects from that fear of the unknown. We take a new path every once in awhile and upon acceptance, we use and abuse every inch of it, far beyond the realms of what another can call appreciation...but to us, it is...and we want more.

My mother has this philosophy that coming closer to the end of vacation, and closer to when school beings once again, that we should start going to bed early, so that we can wake up early. We should start disciplining ourselves back into the regime of school life...despite still being on vacation. With this in mind, I often found myself wondering which path I should choose.

I can start going to bed early, waking up early, not taking naps during the day... or I can make the best of the last few days of academic freedom! Because if you think of it, being prepared or not, the day will come when school starts back. The day will come. It's inevitable. Smoothing into it or jumping right back in is a choice to make. Either way, 1 week or so into it all, we'll be back into the usual regime. Therefore I question, should I sacrifice my last few days of freedom and happiness just for the sake of being able to smoothly flow back into a way of life, despite knowing that that way of life will flow back into me a week or so after?

Now back to the present...am I sacrificing for the greater good or a more painless transition? Is it worth it? Is it worth giving up something I may never have again for a long long longgg time to come, just so I won't have to feel so much pain of loosing it when it does go away? Its going to end either way. It's going to hurt just the same. I don't want to sit with half the pain but with twice as much regret in knowing that 'I should have made the best of it while I can!'

That’s my choice... it's going to hurt either way. I just don't want the regret on top of it all. Life is short love. I'm not reckless, but I intend on appreciating every minute of it...

My eyes burn

Exams are over
A large part of me wish it wasn't
I could do so much more
So much better
and I'll miss you
more than much more
and more than much better
:'(

A lil update

Yesterday around this time I was capped out from sheer frustration and pain - inflammation, immobility, fevery, irritable, tireddddd & subsequently, depressed.

Today, I'm fine (At least right now)

The volatility of RA! Its the hardest thing to keep up with

Anyways, I'm in the middle of final exams right now. Spent my 21st birthday (May 8th), studying, receiving text msgs and calls and more studying. I fell asleep with my book in hand for about 2 hours. Thank goodness V woke me!

The day after my birthday was my first exam. I cried the day before, the day before that and of course, the day itself. Since when do I ever get so worked up bout an exam?

The day after my first exam was my second exam. I handled that a lot better. Who'd have thought I'd handle a Stats exam better than Econ? What has this world come to when the Tunks actually look fwd to things such as Statistics!? But really tho, I liked that Stats exam...if only we had more time...but I'm grateful!

Last night I finally started feeling better shortly before 3am! Imagine that. Waiting all day to start studying, and my body finally kicks into healthy and study mode around 3am. I did start studying around 11pm tho. I finally finished what I had aimed towards for the night, around 5am.

Right now - I have today and tomorrow to start and finish studying for Maths.
So ummm... I'm gone! :)

Oh, and THANKS everyone for all the wonderful birthday greetings and wishes!

Suffocate

I lay on bed last night... freezing cold on an average temperature night. But I couldn't breathe. Every breath was deliberate and labored. In and out...In and out... In...*hold*...out
Gosh Lord, why can't I just breathe?
I tried with my nose, then with my mouth...but I can't fall asleep with my jaw propped open just so I can breathe
I can't breathe!
As my chest constricted, and my body went weak and cold from lack of oxygen something happened to me for the first time on dry land...I started to PANIC for air! I was suffocating, wide awake, in a breezy cold room. Sheer panic... & I realized that this is a terrifying way to die... to suffocate. To not be able to breathe! Terrifying, Painful, dreadful, mortifying! No word describes how that would feel.
I don't ever want to feel that again.
Why couldn't I breathe?
I can't handle that feeling again... It scares me...too much!

NIN - Zero Sum

They're starting to open up the sky
They're starting to reach down through
And it feels like we're living in that split-second
Of a car crash
And time is slowing down
And if we only had a little more time
And this time
Is all there is
Do you remember the time we
And all the times we
And should have
And were going to
I know
And I know you remember
How we could justify it all
And we knew better
In our hearts we knew better
And we told ourselves it didn't matter
And we chose to continue
And none of that matters anymore
In the hour of our twilight
And soon it will be all said and done
And we will all be back together as one
If we will continue at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

And you never get away
And you never get to take the easy way
And all of this is a consequence
Brought on by our own hand
If you believe in that sort of thing
And did you ever really find
When you closed your eyes
Any place that was still
And at peace
And I guess I just wanted to tell you
As the light starts to fade
That you are the reason
That I am not afraid
And I guess I just wanted to mention
As the heavens will fall
We will be together soon if we
Will be anything at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

What about the thin people?

In a previous post a long time ago, I remember pondering over the theory that shorter people, having less distance to the floor, falls down less because of more equilibrium and if they do fall, since their distance to the ground is not that much, that maybe the act of falling may not be as painful as with someone who is tall. hmmm...

Anyways, I was wondering recently about thin people! Do thinner people, or folks with a small body mass 'small things', feel less pain? Imagine 2 people standing side by side, one of which is twice as large as the first. Does the bigger person have more pain sensors and nerves on her body merely because of a greater area/mass? Does the small thin person have less nerves and pain sensors than the larger person? Do they feel less pain?

If a tiny thin person was to feel pain from head to toe, and we somehow transferred that pain, it its identical shape and size, to a larger person... does the pain fit 'within' the larger person, and thus the latter is not in pain from 'head to toe'? If a larger person was in pain from ‘head to toe’, would they feel more pain just because there is more of 'them' to hurt?

In 3 hours

I slept a drunk man's sleep
Out cold

I dreamt a mad man's dream
Surreal

I woke up. Glad that I was awake. No more dreams.
Yet, reality altered
Can a dream do that?
Can it?

The birds are chirping at midnight

Hi

It's been a long time since I've posted anything huh... This year I've been out of touch not just with the people who know me but also my blog.

Things have been great overall. Ups and downs - yes, but it's ok. I'm happy.

Have I found a substitute for a blog recently? Maybe I have... together with being pretty busy with school and upcoming exams, though I would admit that the latter really is an excuse from justification. I think I've found a substitute... but a part of me always pulls me back. Right here. On this blog. So... here I am.

How has the year been for everyone so far? Can you think of something happening to you now that you would not have even dreamed about just 3 months ago? If you can, then think of it as yet another sign that life is amazing!

What do we want? I always feel clashed sometimes when I'm asked to make 1 wish. Just 1 wish. Is it the thought that there's only one, or that there's only one for now. It's a time thing I think. Maybe we want to much, too soon, at the same time.

Well... it's after midnight. I'm tired. Take care :)

PS: As for my entry title, it is true. Strange...but true.

Thanks Mr. Shakespeare

I found this and fell in love! :) Please, take a read - I find it so interesting finding these origins

Here is a whole list of clichés, along with where they originated curtesy Mr. Shakespeare!

A fool's paradise—Romeo and Juliet

A foregone conclusion—Othello

A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! —Richard III

A little pot and soon hot—The Taming of the Shrew

A tower of strength—Richard III

Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him—Hamlet

All the world's a stage—As You Like It

An eye-sore—The Taming of the Shrew

As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods—King Lear

As white as driven snow—The Winter's Tale

Ay, there’s the rub—Hamlet

Bag and baggage—As You Like It

Bated breath—The Merchant of Venice

Beware the Ides of March—Julius Caesar

Blow, blow, thou winter wind—As You Like It

Breathe one’s last—Henry VI, part 3

Brevity is the soul of wit—Hamlet

Budge an inch—The Taming of the Shrew

Cold comfort—King John

Come full circle—King Lear

Come what may—Macbeth

Conscience does make cowards of us all—Hamlet

Cowards die many times before their deaths—Julius Caesar

Crack of doom—Macbeth

Dead as a doornail—Henry VI, part 2

Death by inches—Coriolanus

Devil incarnate—Henry V

Dish fit for the gods—Julius Caesar

Dog will have its day—Hamlet

Done to death—Much Ado About Nothing

Double, double, toil and trouble; fire burn, and cauldron bubble—Macbeth

Eaten me out of house and home—Henry IV, part 2

Elbow room— King John

Et tu, Brute! –Julius Caesar

Every inch a king—King Lear

Fair is foul, and foul is fair—Macbeth

Fatal vision—Macbeth

Flaming youth—Hamlet

For goodness sake—Henry VIII

Foregone conclusion—Othello

Frailty, thy name is woman—Hamlet

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears—Julius Caesar

Full of sound and fury—Macbeth

Get thee to a nunnery—Hamlet

Give the devil his due—Henry IV

Good night, ladies—Hamlet

Good riddance—Troilus and Cressida

Green-eyed monster—Othello

Halcyon days—Henry VI ****

Her infinite variety—Antony and Cleopatra

Hoist with his own petard—Hamlet

Hold a candle to—The Merchant of Venice

Household words—Henry V

I am fortune's fool—Romeo and Juliet

I have immortal longings in me—Antony and Cleopatra

I have not slept one wink—Cymbeline

In my heart of hearts—Hamlet

In my mind's eye—Hamlet

Into thin air—The Tempest

It smells to heaven—Hamlet

It was Greek to me—Julius Caesar

It's a wise father that knows his own child—The Merchant of Venice

Kill ... with kindness—The Taming of the Shrew

Knock, knock! Who’s there? —Macbeth

Laughing-stock—The Merry Wives of Windsor

Lean and hungry look—Julius Caesar

Lend me your ears—Julius Caesar

Let slip the dogs of war—Julius Caesar

Lord, what fools these mortals be!—A Midsummer Night's Dream

Love is blind—The Merchant of Venice

Merry as the day is long—Much Ado About Nothing

Milk of human kindness—Macbeth

More fool you—The Taming of the Shrew

More in sorrow than in anger—Hamlet

More sinned against than sinning—King Lear

Murder most foul—Hamlet

My own flesh and blood—The Merchant of Venice

My salad days, when I was green in judgment—Antony and Cleopatra

Neither a borrower nor a lender be—Hamlet

Not a mouse stirring—Hamlet

Now gods stand up for bastards—King Lear

Now is the winter of our discontent—Richard III

O, Brave new world—The Tempest

Once more unto the breach—Henry V

One fell swoop—Macbeth

One that loved not wisely, but too well—Othello

Out, damned spot!—Macbeth

Out, out, brief candle—Macbeth

Paint the lily—King John

Paint the lily—King John

Parting is such sweet sorrow—Romeo and Juliet

Play fast and loose—Love's Labour's Lost

Pomp and Circumstance—Othello

Primrose path—Hamlet

Put out the light—Othello

Sharper than a serpent’s tooth—King Lear

Short and the Long of It—Merry Wives of Windsor

Short shrift—Richard III

Smooth runs the water where the brook is deep—Henry VI, Part II

Something in the wind—The Comedy of Errors

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark—Hamlet

Sorry sight—Macbeth

Spotless reputation—Richard III

Star-crossed lovers—Romeo and Juliet

Stony-hearted villains—Henry IV, part 1

Stood on ceremonies—Julius Caesar

Strange bedfellows—The Tempest

Suit the action to the word—Hamlet

Sweets to the sweet—Hamlet

The be-all and the end-all—Macbeth

The better part of valour is discretion—Henry IV, part 1

The course of true love never did run smooth—A Midsummer Night's Dream

The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose—The Merchant of Venice

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers—Henry VI, part 2

The game is afoot—Henry IV, part 1

The game is up—Cymbeline

The naked truth—Love's Labour's Lost

The play’s the thing—Hamlet

The quality of mercy is not strained—The Merchant of Venice

The lady doth protest too much, methinks—Hamlet

The readiness is all—Hamlet

The rest is silence—Hamlet

The time is out of joint—Hamlet

The working day world—As You Like It

The world's mine oyster—The Merry Wives of Windsor

There is a tide in the affairs of men—Julius Caesar

There’s a divinity that shapes our ends—Hamlet

They say an old man is twice a child—Hamlet

This was the noblest Roman of them all—Julius Caesar

Though this be madness, yet there is method in't—Hamlet

Throw cold water on it—The Merry Wives of Windsor

Till the crack of doom—Macbeth

'Tis neither here nor there—--Othello

To be, or not to be: that is the question—Hamlet

To make a virtue of necessity—The Two Gentlemen of Verona

To the manner born—Hamlet

To thine own self be true—Hamlet

Too much of a good thing—As You Like It

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown—Henry IV, part 2

Unkindest cut of all—--Julius Caesar

Unsex me here—Macbeth

We are such stuff as dreams are made on--The Tempest

We have seen better days—As You Like It

Wear my heart on my sleeve—Othello

What a piece of work is a man—Hamlet

What the dickens—The Merry Wives of Windsor

What’s done is done—Macbeth

What's in a name?—Romeo and Juliet

What's past is prologue—The Tempest

When shall we three meet again? –Macbeth

Me? umm sure

Today was the first day since I restarted school for this year that I didn't end up showing someone to their classroom or the office. Someone always ended up stopping to ask me where their class was or if I worked there. Towards the end of the 1st week, I just gave up explaining that I’m not a staff member and just went along with asking 'how can I help you' lol This has happened to me countless times when I went out shopping...someone always thinks I’m working in whatever store I just so happened to be in. Maybe it’s because I'm always waiting around lazily... who knows. Or am I approachable? Maybe it's both … You tell me...

Happy New Day

I wrote this 3 days ago and now that I'm finally getting my net to work, here we go!

The clock striked 12...It officially brought in the New Year 2007. It’s amazing that just a concept of numbers, time and expectation of ramifications of the former, could bring about such a sudden and drastic change in mentality and moods world wide!

Considering the lawlessness and undercurrent of panic that seeps into every family, in every home and into everyone's heart...maybe we need more than 1 declared 'new year' per year. Let's make it a new year every month, or even better, let’s delight in positivism and hopefulness each and every morning! Why not celebrate the rising of the sun every day? Obviously we're not going to drink 'till we can't remember our names and create fog in a Caribbean island with countless Fireworks going off every night...but we can carry that feeling within us, every day. Awake with our daily resolutions, the joy of a new beginning or the improvement of a current endeavor. Out with the pain and regret and grudges... and in with the pure essence of love, happiness and overall peace of mind, in our homes, communities, societies, countries and in the world throughout!

Happy New Day!