Hope so real I can taste it

Hi everyone

So what has been up lately?

I beseech you to take this moment as you are reading this to silently 'count your blessings' - no matter how difficult and unfair you beleive life to be... There is always something to be thankful for.

Cool Scenes

I remember, when I got ill a few years ago - the intensity of it all was so overwhelming, hard and fast, disorienting and so on. Then, I was young. All I know is that I skipped that stage that most ppl tend to be stuck at - that is the "Why me?" Stage. I don't know how or why... but It seems as tho the pain was so real and reality so harsh, that at that age I jus went from being healthy to accepting that I was sick. I never asked why. I never questioned and lamented the injustice. I accepted it and hated it at the same time.

I moved on with life, as life allowed me to - or rather my health. Thats the way its been - one day @ a time. I got through CXC, made it to A levels and got through that as well - Then, the big decision had to be made.

Upon applying for UWI, I knew in a way that didn't need brainstorming, that I was in for a huge battle... I knew that with my volatile illness, that walking would become a problem sometimes, writing will become a problem... I knew it was going to be tough. And yet I accepted it and just went on.

Now, I'm in the middle of yet another health issue - and as I stood outside the UWI health center, listening to my mother lament my choice @ persuing further academics instead of resting for health purposes, and commenting on the fact that I can't seem to find any sort of outstanding stability... I realised that though all this is true, it is also accepted as my choice. I knew that there will be hurdles to cross. I knew this was going to be difficult. And I knew that I did not want to give up - take 3 months off according to the doctor, go on medical leave etc etc. I've reached this far... WHY should I?

Upon reflection I marvle @ my ability to keep up - somehow - academically. Though so many take it for granted. Being ill in itself, as much as a deterant it can be, it is the greatest motivator I have.

Negativity and fear - dissapointment and anxiety - dissonance and unforgiveness ... I need to sort these things out. I need to walk the positive path. And stay there. I know of another who drowns himself in the total acceptance of a doomed life. And I've been there as well. But I don't want to think logically... As I said, Life is trancending.

Do you beleive in miracles? I accepted it as part of life, without actually stopping a moment to actually believe in it. I accepted that ppl are cured and healed without really drawing any relevance to myself. I basked in the knowledge of all that is understood...rather than trying to understand what I know...

I'm at a total lost for words now. So I guess that ends this.

PS: Zim - I see you - my friend

It's one of the Hardest things to do - but Love yourself my ppl