Believe

Nothing splendid has ever been
achievedexcept by those who dared believe that something inside them was
superior to circumstance

Health Update

I've 'fallen' terribly ill over the past few days... So I've decided to throw out a play-by-play commentary as to how/why this particular situation occurred.

1. Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints and can also cause inflammation of the tissue around the joints. The immune system is a complex organization of cells and antibodies designed normally to "seek and destroy" invaders of the body, particularly infections. Patients with RA have antibodies in their blood, which target their own body tissue. (ouch)

2. One of the strongest medications used for RA treatment is Methotrexate - This I'm on. Methotrexate is a disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug (DMARD) that is often prescribed when painkillers can't do the job alone. Methotrexate is an antimetabolite. It interferes with the way cells utilize essential nutrients. As a result, Methotrexate inhibits the activity of the immune system, consequently reducing inflammation.

3. Chicken pox is a common disease caused by the varicella zoster virus. I've gotten me this 2 weeks ago.

I've placed it in Chronological order for simplicity...but this explanation I wasn't myself privy to until recently. Anyways... so here's the story.

So I got myself some muscle/tissue/tendon damage in my left hip, which led to a series of, sporadic Spasmodic attacks. That was a little over a month ago. The actual rheumatic inflammation was relatively low... but whatever that was, sent me down and out for a few weeks... with the most pain ever. I initially started a steroid course, which proved futile as it was not an inflammation flare (steroids focus on pain due to inflammation) but rather tissue damage. As the days went by, after being introduced to the right pain killers, which make life bareable, my hip, did it's own healing...

3 weeks later. I discover I have chicken pox. Much to the surprise of everyone, I seemed not to have gotten it bad @ all...even more so for someone with a suppressed immune system like my own. I was then informed that this was so because, of the steroid course I was on. The steroid is what prevented me from breaking out badly in the first place, cuz it was fighting the 'inflammation', not of my joints, but of the Pox itself.

I started taking a 5-day high dosage course of Acyclovir as soon as I was diagnosed. Acyclovir is an antiviral drug, which pretty much takes up the fight against chicken pox.

As the week progressed... all went well with respect to the Chicken Pox. My 1st breakout was as mild as ever and healing itself... making me forget I even have it in the 1st place. My RA on the other hand was slowly getting iffy.

Then the 5 days were over...no more Acyclovir. This coincided with me reaching the lowest dosage of steroid intake as I continue to wean myself off of it - and that is half a pill a day (compared to he 9 a day I started with) This ALSO coincided with the fact that It was a weekend, and on weekends I must take my Methotrexate dosage.

What does this mean? - - - - - - My immune system now had to pick up the fight all on it's own, to get rid of whatever's left of the Varicella virus from my system...while @ the same time, it was being suppressed by the Methotrexate I've been taking these past few years. Can you picture this??? The pox is enticing it to come out and fight, while the Methotrexate is trying to put it to sleep.

I started feeling the exact same symptoms I had before the Chicken Pox break out. Really TERRIBLE Headaches, nausea, irritability, lost of appetite, fever etc. It's like a re-lapse. Except now I'm very aware of it.
And my RA started flaring up too...not jus a general flare up - but that previously damaged left hip, started its spasmodic attacks, which re-tore the muscle tissue and brought back that exposed nerve into play again - which in a nutshell means - PAIN!


It's a double edge knife my ppl.

If my immune system puts up a good fight and gets rid of the Chicken Pox - I'll suffer a very very painful flare-up - with Lord alone knows what implications.

If my immune system succumbs to the Varicella virus, my flare-up will subside (eventually) but I will remain with Chicken pox for a long long time again with Lord alone knows what implications

So I got to sit this one out...or lie it out on bed. Today I woke up with such an overwhelming overall feeling of physical un-wellness... form excruciating pain and fever to nausea an headaches... that I was left with little choice but to take some painkillers and hit the bed again. I re-awoke @ 5pm. Rested and medicated, I can now type. And walk around a bit. The only thing I can do is (against my will) pump up on painkillers to make life bearable once again, as my body fights its fight and hope that my immune system turns out the winner sooner than later. Cuz seeing the doctor and going for my scheduled x-ray appointments for this hip etc, is gonna be kind hard if I'm still deemed contagious.

Between my hip damage and the Chicken Pox, I've collectively missed 5 weeks of classes for this semester. Aren't we glad it's semester break?

Everything seems so simple when made into a story.

The Girl & the Ant

What is it with me and ants??

Of all the creatures in the world, I can't seem to be more grossed out or affected by the little supposedly harmless little thing called - an ant.
I know for a fact I have some sort of allergy or repulsion to the famous 'crazy ants'. The kind that ends up in your sugar bowl, or on any uncovered food left on the table, especially your drink! Once I smell those dreaded creatures... I'll instantly throw up (TMI?)

Well last night I had a really disturbing experience. It was actually around 2am.
I creep into my dark kitchen to take my medication before heading to bed, and there was this 'boly/boli' (however the spelling or whatever the name) ant running around crazily on the table. There I am, moving my glass of water and medicine container so it wouldn't crawl up on it. But that was done in vain, as it did indeed get onto the container. So I bang it on the table, hoping the bloody thing will fall off and leave me alone. But! The ant somehow managed to speed its way UNDER the container as it came crashing down to the table. Squashing the poor thing. Good Lord! You should have seen my face! There it was twisting and doing some odd little agonizing twirls on the table, so I quickly swashed it off onto the floor, hoping it will jump to life and crawl away. All this time I’m muttering all the sorry's in the world and begging the Lord for forgiveness - Like a crazy woman. But it gets worst. The thing just lies there... squirming! I was getting panicky. I couldn't bear to see it suffering. There on the table was an insect killer! I took it up and sprayed the little soul.... and waited.... (all this time my glass of water and pill is in my hand) 10 seconds later I reached breaking point. I felt as if I was going crazy. The ant just WOULD NOT DIE! Had he any idea how much it was suffering me to see him writing in pain like that?! I'm serious! My facial expression was enough to scare myself! I kept on muttering to myself... panicking! I did what I had to do. I took that very same can of insect killer - and...I banged the little thing about 10 times over and over squishing it just praying, please, die! please! ...

And it died.

God that was traumatic. I scared myself the way that disturbed me. I begged God to forgive me, please, and take it's little soul to a better place.

Into your hands

I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.

I'm not quite sure what's the advantage of being stuck home with respect to that aspect of my life and lifestyle. Could things have been worst if I had stayed on Campus? Would I have deviated off this path? I didn't then and don't now see anything obviously threatening ... but maybe the supposed inimicality of recent events had potential to affect me despite my obviation. In the light of the alternative, I trust God had his reasons for that one.

I do question my strength though. It seems what I was trying to renounce showed up as a mere prevarication... What does this strength entail? Is it avoidance? Overcoming? Being impervious and unaffected?

I don't believe in avoidance as the do all end all remedy. But I realize now that avoidance is necessary for short periods of time - to replenish the soul... replenish so that I can.... Become unaffected or be able to overcome? Which am I supposed to aim for? I again don't believe it is healthy to become that impervious... because what I'm up against is really... really not nice...or easy.

So now I'm left with overcoming. To over come... to get over... I have to get through it first. This is where I absolutely Need the Lord's advice and strength. I keep on thinking that I can help... can change. But the cynicism is ... defeating. At least for now. I know I don't want to do that again.

But here I am... stuck in a situational scenario which is a direct replica of all that I dreaded, feared, hated... a dispiriting and depressing conducer of all that I've suffered before... I fear admitting to this ominous feeling. I fear for my happiness - and that’s blasphemous. Fear of loosing it diminishes it all on it's own.

Maybe having to be home and away from other potentials gives me the lack of distractions I need to concentrate...

Now that I've acknowledged my plight... I revert to my opening statement.

I need to re-convene with God. Take a break... look within and re-energize.

....If only you really know how deeply you affect me and how desperately I wish for things to change....

I'm not quite ready to fight this fight... and I think that's because I haven't yet figured out what I'm fighting for... or why...

I have the strength within and in God. I just need the guidance.

With that, I take my leave... again

Hi Doc...Yes it's me again

I've just been diagnosed with Chicken Pox - There goes 2 more weeks of school. Hmmm...

From my heart to yours

Today was a day like no other.

I walked to campus the scorching sun...overwhelmingly so, yet made it to class fairly intact of my bodyily fluids which somehow seemed lacking yet didn't show. Now, the thing about UWI that I never stopped marvling about, is again the volatility of campus life. I walked into class thanking the goods God's for the heavenly wiff of air condition, sat in a chair a bit strained, hot and bothered but thankful. Thirty minuits later... I'm hugging my bag and myself and books and all that I could find in a somewhat vain attempt at retaining body heat. I mean... is that healthy? It sure is interesting to observe and note though. I'm again thankful for the humours temparament of our lecturer and my lighthearted idle approach which made room for lots of laughter which kept the cold (freezing cold) of our minds ... for awhile.

Thanks. Its something that is so rarely expressed. I know for sure I'm guilty of it. Yet in the wake of all that was mentioned in previous entries, I've sought to relay these sentiments wherever I saw possible. This shall remain ongoing.

I'm fine. I'm good. I'm ok. I'm happy. I'm great. I'm well.

I have an amazingly good support system. My home base, friend base and 'the gurls' - My housemates - home away from home. These things I never saw and appreciated for all that was deserving of such... but now that I do, I count my blessings yet again. And now I wish to extend to others, that which I wish for myself. Five months into living away from my family for most of the days at least - it finally all dawned on me. How blessed I am. How fortunate to say the least to have my housemates. Adjusting and experincing life in UWI, life away from home, life on a whole... I don't know what I would have done without them. My love, thanks and heartfeltappreciation goes out to you.

I miss my friends. But I miss them in a way that leaves a smile on my face and a bitter sweet aching in my heart. Because I know than in our hearts, we are all together. I miss that previously known significant him. There are things about that relationship which shouldn't be left unsaid. Immense feelings of appreciation and realization that I now refuse to let die a silent death or be taken alive to the grave with me. I Love these people.

You can only give that which you have on the inside. I say to you again, life is transending. And with that, hear me on this one... Love is transending. It really is.

Epiphany

I find solitide and happiness in this paeanistic realization.

The eschewal of what should be has begun and shall continue - I no longer desire to undertake, indulge or accept the perniciousness which defined my life - and I extend that desire to that which is beyond my own as well.

This all begun as a desperate search for alubrious undertakings, actions and thoughts. I needed to ameliorate all that I could with respect to my health. I don't what pain anymore. I don't want to suffer. I don't need to accept that in any way I deserved this. I, in fact, realized... something I can't put in words right now...

I wanted so badly to try to explain and share with you and others what I feel - that divine touch - what I see and how much it makes sense... But the greater the importance the harder it is to express. I can only say to you that it didn't come easy. This new outlook so to say... it took the most painful, life shaking, desperate event to finally make it all click. I was totally defeated and fell at the mercy of God. Begging in a way I never did before... Needing him in a way I never admited to before. And amazingly enough, it wasn't instigated by an emotional breakdown - but by the most real raw physical pain known to my human body. How ironic can it be that the indulger of machocisim would need the actual pain to ... born again?

I am thankful now and I don't fall discouraged by my inability to express myself. This is truely something of an ineffable nature.

Outside of myself - a war of words is apparant. Tension, anger, dissapointment and the whole lot of negativity is just radiating, unfortunatly so, from those who previously marked my associations. Misery likes company. And in saying so, I bid leave all that was mentioned and all that will be incipiently created - Outside of myself. I ardently refuse to be willingly or unwillingly drawn into this whirlpool of negativity. I do however extend good will and best of wishes. No hard feelings. And I mean that. I'm always here.

Go With God. Love yourself.

Dad - Happy Birthday! I love you.

To my Southern Clique - dearest friends - that which you've refered to stands true despite our circumstances. You are and always will be near and dear @ heart.
I am truely thankful.

Hope so real I can taste it

Hi everyone

So what has been up lately?

I beseech you to take this moment as you are reading this to silently 'count your blessings' - no matter how difficult and unfair you beleive life to be... There is always something to be thankful for.

Cool Scenes

I remember, when I got ill a few years ago - the intensity of it all was so overwhelming, hard and fast, disorienting and so on. Then, I was young. All I know is that I skipped that stage that most ppl tend to be stuck at - that is the "Why me?" Stage. I don't know how or why... but It seems as tho the pain was so real and reality so harsh, that at that age I jus went from being healthy to accepting that I was sick. I never asked why. I never questioned and lamented the injustice. I accepted it and hated it at the same time.

I moved on with life, as life allowed me to - or rather my health. Thats the way its been - one day @ a time. I got through CXC, made it to A levels and got through that as well - Then, the big decision had to be made.

Upon applying for UWI, I knew in a way that didn't need brainstorming, that I was in for a huge battle... I knew that with my volatile illness, that walking would become a problem sometimes, writing will become a problem... I knew it was going to be tough. And yet I accepted it and just went on.

Now, I'm in the middle of yet another health issue - and as I stood outside the UWI health center, listening to my mother lament my choice @ persuing further academics instead of resting for health purposes, and commenting on the fact that I can't seem to find any sort of outstanding stability... I realised that though all this is true, it is also accepted as my choice. I knew that there will be hurdles to cross. I knew this was going to be difficult. And I knew that I did not want to give up - take 3 months off according to the doctor, go on medical leave etc etc. I've reached this far... WHY should I?

Upon reflection I marvle @ my ability to keep up - somehow - academically. Though so many take it for granted. Being ill in itself, as much as a deterant it can be, it is the greatest motivator I have.

Negativity and fear - dissapointment and anxiety - dissonance and unforgiveness ... I need to sort these things out. I need to walk the positive path. And stay there. I know of another who drowns himself in the total acceptance of a doomed life. And I've been there as well. But I don't want to think logically... As I said, Life is trancending.

Do you beleive in miracles? I accepted it as part of life, without actually stopping a moment to actually believe in it. I accepted that ppl are cured and healed without really drawing any relevance to myself. I basked in the knowledge of all that is understood...rather than trying to understand what I know...

I'm at a total lost for words now. So I guess that ends this.

PS: Zim - I see you - my friend

It's one of the Hardest things to do - but Love yourself my ppl