Friday, November 26, 2010

THR - 1 year anniversary :)



One year ago today, on November 26th 2009... this was what I had done on my right hip
Three months ago, on August 26th 2010... this was what I had done on my left hip

I cannot even being to describe what the last year has been like... but if I can choose just one word, it would be AMAZING ...... the good, the bad, trails, complications, recuperation, rehabilitation, joys, sorrows, milestones, achievements, discoveries, mobilities, abilities, loves... the pain........ and the lack of pain... It's just all been Amazing... truly, amazing!!!

Thank you everyone and everything!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Divinely Ochestrated

It's a special night. It's the 85th birthday of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. The added importance of this night is in what it brought for me exactly one year ago.

A year ago, I was on the short notice waiting list for my first THR surgery. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, medically etc... and I eventually did get the call asking me to come in the next morning to be admitted. I thought I was ready, but I totally freaked out. I cried and cried, if only to myself, lost in a spiral of panic. Then something happened and the surgery got postponed. I woke up the next day and did something I never do considering the volatility of my health, i.e. make plans! I printed out the November 2009 month calender on a piece of paper and filled almost every day with things I wanted to do. I spoke to the Lord and the Universe and said in no uncertain terms, that I am GOING to get everything on that list done! I am going to make it to every event and then, only then, I will get the call again for surgery.


Such was my month of November. Packed! Filled with things to do, places to go and most importantly, I was able to attend all the rehearsals and perform with the Sai Youth for the National Birthday Programme that year. Oh... I even dyed my hair pink!

Then came November 23rd 2009...

I went to my Sai Centre for the Birthday Satsangh and I remember on the drive back home, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the car door while letting the air from outside hit my face... cool breeze, nice sweet nighttime air. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of contentment and just feeling happy. I looked to the sky and I whispered ... 'I'm ready'. That night I left my phone on 'loud' instead of switching it to silent as I normally would... and I went to sleep. A few hours later I was awoken by the ring ring ring ... and there it was, my surgery call!

I should mention that 'coincidentally' enough, the Birthday Satsangh at my Sai Centre was actually the last thing on the November month calender I had printed and stuck on my fridge. I had completed them all!

One year ago today... I let go and let God and the universe worked everything out in the most divinely orchestrated way. Nothing happens before it's time.

The night I slept...

Last night, after a very long demanding weekend and I guess an equally long and demanding week... I got home about 8pm and by 9pm I dropped on bed, absolutely exhausted... but happily so. I smiled so hard on the inside knowing that I didn't have to wake up to face any Monday type modes of normalcy and for that moment my entire being resonated with appreciation.

I then got a sudden feeling of I have no idea what. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and I swear to God, I could hear my eyelids sweep over my eyes and hear the muscles contract as I closed them even tighter and then like a wave passing through me, I felt every single pore raise, starting from my eyes, down my face, neck, chest, arms, hands, stomach, pelvis, thighs, legs to my toes... then back up to my head. My entire body was just a mass of tingling electrons for a few seconds...

*exhale* I pulled my blanket over me, rolled over to my side, snuggled nicely with my pillow and within moments I was fast asleep.

I woke up 16 hours later

Thursday, November 18, 2010

My belly is hungry & my heart is soft

I've somehow spontaneously developed a ravenous hunger a few nights ago. An actual physical hunger, that I just must eat. I know sometimes I would say that 'my belly hungry but I not feeling to eat' ... but now I find myself feeling to eat with a hungry belly too! I can't even blame it on the drugs... Let's call it the beginning of PMS :p

In the meanwhile, I am so very sleepy right now, that I am getting 'car sick feeling' from the effort of just being awake typing this.

To end this, I am a softee, but it's because I love. Love itself cannot hold onto amour and I lack the protection of wit.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Go ahead

I wrote this last night & clicked on 'save now' instead of publish so I can save myself by saving another:

Fu(k it! For once I am going to ALLOW myself to just feel sad if that is how I feel. Who cares the reason? Why rationalize it? Why fear it's ramifications? For once T... just feel. It's ok. Cuz God knows how much pain I'm holding in

Sunday, November 07, 2010

Never again

I did something... and I don't ever wanna do it again!

I did it willingly.

I think it's the universe's way of helping to obliterate this obsession that was taking me over. Trust me when I say this, I had no logical way to stop it since it in itself was illogical... that need... that fixation that haunted me constantly. I never could have possibly conceived that I would feel like this now.

Now I'm sick to the stomach. Disgusted. I can smell it. I want to retch.

I want to burn it all away. Wash it all away. I want to change the air and everything it touched

No more. No regrets. Thank you universe. Just no more.



Friday, November 05, 2010

Divali 2010


Tomorrow is Divali! Well it's today to be exact, considering it's after midnight. I'm already on bed and thinking to 'call it an early night' for a change. I suspect it's going to be a long day and night ahead.

Divali is supposed to be the darkest night of the year right? Considering that, I don't think I have ever in my entire life really experienced the darkness of that night. It's the one night that is guaranteed to be splattered with lights near and far. Maybe that's the point of it. Removal of darkness.

May this Divali remove the darkness and sadness in our hearts.
May the light illuminate our souls and touch those around us.