The Abyss

Have you ever been quiet?

Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.

Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?

The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...

I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.

Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable

Battle of the Senses

Palms sweaty...cold feet...my heart beat a good bit faster than I'd like it to be, considering its taking away from my other senses, now that I have to hear the 'thump thump' in my chest and the whoosh of blood in my ears... humph.

The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...

I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)

Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??

So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!

The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.

So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!

For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*

Dare I say?

I still remember
The world from the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Are clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I’m so tired of constantly being afraid. ‘afraid of what?’ one may ask, and the sad thing is, I’m scared even to say here what I’m afraid of. Apprehensive, hesitant, disquieted, wary…it’s becoming a task, and a stressful one at it, to do what previously would have been a joy… natural, free flowing, spirited… The imperative word that drops the hint is none other but ‘here’. I can span this theme of fear into many other scenes and scenarios – It proves relative all around. Why is this?

In Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and of Experience’, he started a revolutionary eye opener of the pure essence of change … from that of a child into an adult … the seemingly ‘natural’ and inevitable degeneration, digression, the sad fall from purity and innocence to the greater accepted tainted and cynical views of the experienced life. Now right before my eyes, I watch myself slip… and God alone knows how hard it is to not become or remain bitter, angry, ridden with anguish and remorse…sad. It’s a taste of another’s bread of life…and the poison of mine. It’s so easy to pick them out… ‘cuz it aint no rose colored glass my dear… it’s shattered and filthy and distorts even the best of persons, feelings and intentions…and the purest of them all as well. In the eyes of such… I swallow my words, blink back my tears…and bow my head in fear. Why is this?

Don’t play the victim in this game…don’t scream those words at me… because once you harbor on an external instigator, then you’re only the victim of yourself!

Release …

Doopdido

Lets change the Flavor - Here's for spontanous blogging *Cheers* ... now take it easy on that one, cause we gotta make it last 'till i'm done here - No refills - nope

Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?

So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.

I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)

Let's turn the page

*blank*

Hmm...

Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.

Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know

Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)