It has begun

"It's been awhile since I've felt the emotion of genuine hurt"

That was the thought that flashed through my mind while I lay in bed, about to begin part 2 of the book I was reading. It seemingly popped out of nowhere and struck me with such force that I was compelled to make a note of it.

Mere words, impacted in my minds eye ... seized my brain for a response and left a heaviness in my heart...and odd burning on my chest. Everything stood still for a moment... and no articulate or halfhearted comic brush off could come to me. Nothing. Just hurt :(

Doubts and questions, regrets and subtle preconceptions eventually flooded my mind... leaving me with defeated silence and a burning anger... for allowing myself to be in such a emotional state of vulnerability to feel that way.

All this in a matter of seconds.... for I'm sure I managed some response (off the topic of course) well before the other person could even grasp a glimmer of ANY effect, far less hurt, their words could possibly have.

The disappointment and anger again rises...NOT because I know that that moment had gone unnoted, unfelt and unrealized by the other (So unconsciously said. No bad feelings. Just a mere statement) ... BUT because I KNEW situations like this will eventually come to pass. I KNEW that I could not be totally empathic or understanding of another's nature and personality to the extent that I am immune to something (where otherwise I would normally be emotionally weak) JUST because I've willed myself to a higher understanding... I KNEW also that things that would normally be passed over and laughed @ could have the potential to be brooded over...or worst yet, just hit out @ me without active contemplation - just a pure, unadulterated, emotional effect. I KNEW that I was becoming...me.

I am now in a position where... I am vulnerable. I can't put it any better.

I felt happy, elated, excited and all the sorts last night... @ the account of another. And though that's acceptable and seemingly normal for most...it scared me. Because like the emotion of happiness...hurt et al is just another drop in the bucket, waiting to be spilled @ the right moment.

I harbor no ill feelings...other than maybe...fear

"...The great dual burden of emotions and high intelligence was singular to
humankind, and it was what made life so hard; you were always thinking about
what you were feeling instead of just going with the moment, or you were always
trying to feel what you think you should feel in a given situation. Thoughts and
judgment were inevitable colored by emotions - some of them on a subconscious
level, so you didn't even entirely understand why you made certain decisions,
acted in certain ways. Emotions clouded your thinking; but thinking to hard of
your feelings took the edge off them"

D.K. - midnight - pg 193