I fall inside me

I’ve spent the past week away from home. Away from all the peace I’ve known which somehow seeped through years of the expected drama and turmoil of growing up. I’ve spent the past week in a place that I’ve learnt to love…learnt to hate…learned to accept for its volatility and the equal ease of routine it allows. In a place where the open arms of comfort are grasping desperately and the cold fingers of evil intent are prodding at any opportunity.

So much for that huh… Let’s change the flavor

These past few days have been extremely harrowing… yet I took it all in stride, or so I’d like to believe. Physically, mentally and emotionally – I’ve felt the pangs of pain and torture. It’s only because of sheer coincidence or fate’s way of casting characters and choreographing the show that I was able to survive. I take no credit for it. I am a warped self-indulgent and the cliché of being my own worst enemy.

In saying so, I have many to thank for reaching out to me.

Let me 1st thank those who took it upon themselves to ensure I did not die or worst that night of semiconsciousness and uncontrollable actions. I succumbed to the cause and circumstances and thankfully, to your saving.

In the wake of it all, I’ve found me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul found me. In your presence I’m ashamed at the fact that it took me so long to see that divinity permeating through your very being… not a spark, but a light so bright and encompassing that now, I fall defeated… and simultaneously resurrected by your good will, pure heart and caring nature. I regret my inability to really let you redeem me. But I beg of you, please, don’t stop trying. You and yours I will one day repay. You see in me what I believe stands true next to those lesser beings, but which could never take me a step closer to your goodness.

Ok so I must admit, I have been berating myself lately, but not necessarily without plausible reason. It’s all I can resort to…It’s a constant fight with my masochistic complexity.

Anyways, I’ve lost me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul has let me go. Not all gems sparkle and shine…at least not in my books, and this one, I loved for its very tainted nature. Amazing. There is so much more I wish to say… but not here. Not now.

This past week has made it even more painfully evident to me that, despite all exterior efforts, despite what you may think or what I may allow you to believe, I will forever strive in my own solitude …searching and waiting … wanting desperately to not be alone anymore. Yet always pulling away from those who really wish to touch my soul…for fear of not being able to touch one myself.

I have been hurting. I have been angry. I have given up and gotten back up again. I have tried to understand and accept. I have loved before… I had loved again. I have sacrificed and compromised, risked and resolved. And for all I’ve named before, I will continue that path until the path no longer exists.

Now… I don’t believe in absolutes…

Every previous complication seems the simple life that I now miss. Tell me please… ‘…with every movement tension binds and denies…’

My thoughts are highly disjointed right now… it’s definitely the medication

Goodnight.