The simplicity of a complicated mind

Another wonderful day on campus.

People frantically walking around looking somewhat halfheartedly for classes which somehow never coincides with its theoretical location...It seems to me the longer the search, the easier the tendancy to slip into a warped sense of denial of the importance of attending these classes in the first place. The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of masochism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

I sit here in a private office, smack down in the middle of the Southern environs I've always held dear to feelings of comfort and farmiliarity. In a few hours from now, I will be back on our lovely campus, sitting like a lump of semipermiable substance, carrying on with my selective memory and intellectual stimulation.

I fall inside me

I’ve spent the past week away from home. Away from all the peace I’ve known which somehow seeped through years of the expected drama and turmoil of growing up. I’ve spent the past week in a place that I’ve learnt to love…learnt to hate…learned to accept for its volatility and the equal ease of routine it allows. In a place where the open arms of comfort are grasping desperately and the cold fingers of evil intent are prodding at any opportunity.

So much for that huh… Let’s change the flavor

These past few days have been extremely harrowing… yet I took it all in stride, or so I’d like to believe. Physically, mentally and emotionally – I’ve felt the pangs of pain and torture. It’s only because of sheer coincidence or fate’s way of casting characters and choreographing the show that I was able to survive. I take no credit for it. I am a warped self-indulgent and the cliché of being my own worst enemy.

In saying so, I have many to thank for reaching out to me.

Let me 1st thank those who took it upon themselves to ensure I did not die or worst that night of semiconsciousness and uncontrollable actions. I succumbed to the cause and circumstances and thankfully, to your saving.

In the wake of it all, I’ve found me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul found me. In your presence I’m ashamed at the fact that it took me so long to see that divinity permeating through your very being… not a spark, but a light so bright and encompassing that now, I fall defeated… and simultaneously resurrected by your good will, pure heart and caring nature. I regret my inability to really let you redeem me. But I beg of you, please, don’t stop trying. You and yours I will one day repay. You see in me what I believe stands true next to those lesser beings, but which could never take me a step closer to your goodness.

Ok so I must admit, I have been berating myself lately, but not necessarily without plausible reason. It’s all I can resort to…It’s a constant fight with my masochistic complexity.

Anyways, I’ve lost me a gem of a soul… or rather that soul has let me go. Not all gems sparkle and shine…at least not in my books, and this one, I loved for its very tainted nature. Amazing. There is so much more I wish to say… but not here. Not now.

This past week has made it even more painfully evident to me that, despite all exterior efforts, despite what you may think or what I may allow you to believe, I will forever strive in my own solitude …searching and waiting … wanting desperately to not be alone anymore. Yet always pulling away from those who really wish to touch my soul…for fear of not being able to touch one myself.

I have been hurting. I have been angry. I have given up and gotten back up again. I have tried to understand and accept. I have loved before… I had loved again. I have sacrificed and compromised, risked and resolved. And for all I’ve named before, I will continue that path until the path no longer exists.

Now… I don’t believe in absolutes…

Every previous complication seems the simple life that I now miss. Tell me please… ‘…with every movement tension binds and denies…’

My thoughts are highly disjointed right now… it’s definitely the medication

Goodnight.

It has begun

"It's been awhile since I've felt the emotion of genuine hurt"

That was the thought that flashed through my mind while I lay in bed, about to begin part 2 of the book I was reading. It seemingly popped out of nowhere and struck me with such force that I was compelled to make a note of it.

Mere words, impacted in my minds eye ... seized my brain for a response and left a heaviness in my heart...and odd burning on my chest. Everything stood still for a moment... and no articulate or halfhearted comic brush off could come to me. Nothing. Just hurt :(

Doubts and questions, regrets and subtle preconceptions eventually flooded my mind... leaving me with defeated silence and a burning anger... for allowing myself to be in such a emotional state of vulnerability to feel that way.

All this in a matter of seconds.... for I'm sure I managed some response (off the topic of course) well before the other person could even grasp a glimmer of ANY effect, far less hurt, their words could possibly have.

The disappointment and anger again rises...NOT because I know that that moment had gone unnoted, unfelt and unrealized by the other (So unconsciously said. No bad feelings. Just a mere statement) ... BUT because I KNEW situations like this will eventually come to pass. I KNEW that I could not be totally empathic or understanding of another's nature and personality to the extent that I am immune to something (where otherwise I would normally be emotionally weak) JUST because I've willed myself to a higher understanding... I KNEW also that things that would normally be passed over and laughed @ could have the potential to be brooded over...or worst yet, just hit out @ me without active contemplation - just a pure, unadulterated, emotional effect. I KNEW that I was becoming...me.

I am now in a position where... I am vulnerable. I can't put it any better.

I felt happy, elated, excited and all the sorts last night... @ the account of another. And though that's acceptable and seemingly normal for most...it scared me. Because like the emotion of happiness...hurt et al is just another drop in the bucket, waiting to be spilled @ the right moment.

I harbor no ill feelings...other than maybe...fear

"...The great dual burden of emotions and high intelligence was singular to
humankind, and it was what made life so hard; you were always thinking about
what you were feeling instead of just going with the moment, or you were always
trying to feel what you think you should feel in a given situation. Thoughts and
judgment were inevitable colored by emotions - some of them on a subconscious
level, so you didn't even entirely understand why you made certain decisions,
acted in certain ways. Emotions clouded your thinking; but thinking to hard of
your feelings took the edge off them"

D.K. - midnight - pg 193

Surreality

My loved ones…

I revert to the title of this thread and marvel at the un-foretold precision at which it was chosen…merely because of its tergiversation quality. Sounds like an oxymoron maybe – but that’s the point isn’t it? It forever leaves space for the metamorphosis of any absolutes I may carelessly and stubbornly venture to express.

Ultimate reality is transcendental. It is not perceived by the senses or comprehended by the mind. It is a matter of indubitable experience for the inmost consciousness of man. It is directly and immediately experienced without the instrumentality of the senses and the mind and does not depend for it’s proof upon any external authority.

The perception of the world on the other hand, is neither direct nor immediate, but is dependent on the senses and the mind, and is always colored by them...tainted by the very same criteria of truth - authority, reasoning and experience. Reasoning however is often enslaved by the pitfalls of rationalization.

Rationalization – The cognitive process of making something seem consistent with or based on reason. Sigh. How often have our own reasoning been overcome by a brainstorm of rationalization. It seems as if reasons are no longer right or wrong once thrown to the mercy of perception. In our abstract world of evanescent relations and lines of principles…justification is merely yet another tool to evade ultimate reality and create life’s blurred edges so that everything fits together perfectly.

Hmm… that was my little brainstorm. Where I rationalize my knowledge of rationalization in an attempt to offer me some sort of peace of mind. We all do it.

However, this seems more mentally tasking than should be. Upon reflecting on the process of gracing the year we’ve now entered, it seems to me that there were no marked ingressions, no solid lines to cross or drastic changes. What could have been an opportunity for some sort of epiphany, just flowed smoothly…merged with such ineffable definitude that I am numbly struck by how outwardly unaffected and unscathed I seemed to have walked this path… Even more so by the subtle yet throbbing feeling of calm or dare I say…happiness that’s carved its way through my being.

Have I been blurring my edges?

I can only tell as the days go by…

I am grateful… yet aware of the inevitability of upheaval… and for some undefined strange reason… I accept it.

Goodnight