Swoon

I woke up to the vague sound of knocking... I thought for a moment, maybe wishfully that it was just a dream.
More knocking and a voice... then silence. 
I opened my eyes and lay there waiting for the ceiling to stop moving, for the walls to stop merging at the corners  and the bed to stop spinning
Wow... I'm typing this and I'm swooning... I feel like my chair is on a raft, lulling off into the wide open sea... 


10 hours into landing in Bangalore, India... what the yam going on? lol I'm on a private high!

Off to India

Hmmm...

I'm sorry...♥

I've just finished working on the 8th Bi-annual West Indian Newsletter ...

I've been sitting here for the last 8 hours...

As I finally shift off autopilot... this song starts playing

I'm reduced to tears :'( ... (It's over - I love you)

Now I know

Except from Many Lives, Many Masters by Dr. Brian Weiss


"I believed it concerned the fear of death, which is the fear
deep within the volcano. The fear of death, that hidden, constant fear
that no amount of money or power can neutralize-this is the core. But
if people knew that "life is endless; so we never die; we were never
really born," then this fear would dissolve. If they knew that they had
lived countless times before and would live countless times again,
how reassured they would feel. If they knew that spirits were around
to help them while they were in physical state and that after death,
in spiritual state, they would join these spirits, including their
deceased loved ones, how comforted they would be. If they knew
that guardian "angels" really did exist, how much safer they would
feel. If they knew that acts of violence and injustices against people
did not go unnoted, but had to be repaid in kind in other lifetimes,
how much less anger and desire for vengeance they would harbor.
And if indeed, "by knowledge we approach God," of what use are
material possessions, or power, when they are an end in themselves 
and not a means to that approach? To be greedy or power-hungry 
has no value whatsoever.
But how to reach people with this knowledge?"

Captain Carnavel - Be A Pilot!

If my life were a story, I would tell it at night

I've always been nocturnal. I think it is one of the few things I knew for sure from very young, i.e, I can not only easily stay awake late at nights, but I liked to. What I did not know, was that it was 'unnatural' or frowned upon... until one day in school when I was about 11yo, my teacher had asked the entire class what time they normally went to bed, or something along those lines. I remember everyone answering in unison, all blurting their responses with eagerness befitting our age and I remember my answer being 11pm. My teacher then expressed unmasked shock and disapproval at what was apparently a very late hour to be going to bed. Maybe I knew before, or maybe I didn't, but that was the first real moment that I become painfully aware that 'maybe the night thing really isn't that normal after all'.

Nowadays, that is prolly normal.
But this was the 90's... the internet and cell phone age hadn't graced my house as yet and we didn't have cable t.v. ... What was I doing up that late anyway? 
Reading most likely

Anyways, as I entered my teenage years, I remember keeping a 'sleep log'. It was a legal sized lined sheet, stuck to my wall by the light switch with 3 columns drawn up. One for the date, one the time I went to sleep and the last for the time I woke up. Suffice to say, the hours I ended my day with were always of the a.m variety ... despite having to wake up to go to school at a normal expected time. I found it interesting... noting my patterns. Right now I cannot remember why I did that, or what I eventually learned from it. I just liked the structure, the documentation and the statistical view of things. I guess that's something I never grew out of... prolly never will.

There is no point to this entry really, other than the fact that its 2:30am... another a.m. hour of the night and I chose to think and type rather than sleep...

Best of you

I came here to write about something totally different. But as my lappie was starting up and I was getting comfy on bed, the strangest string of thoughts started piecing together in my head and I just must let my fingers translate them.

The following words popped into my mind "No one can love you more than I do" 
It's a beautiful statement... but it irks me. I would like to say that, but I can't.

Honestly, how can we really know if there is someone out there capable of loving the person that we love, 'more' than we do? It's an absurd assumption, but for the person saying it, it relays a much deeper and indirect message.

"No one can love you more than I do" is of the connotation that the person we love is wrong to try to find love somewhere else... from someone else, since after all, no one can love them more! How can we tell someone that? Why prevent someone from searching for more with the promise that more does not exist? There is fear. There is insecurity. There is emotional misleading (albeit, we may not even be aware).

I think in essence, what we really mean to say... the message we're trying so hard not to lay down bare in front the other is "I cannot love anyone more than I love you". It's not that the person cannot be loved by another, but that we cannot love another as we love them.... and that my friends, is an agonizing prospect. You want no one else because this person has and will always have the best of you.

It also brings with it a bitter sweet sense of solace There's no reason behind it... after all, with love, is there ever really?

Touch your nose. Now can you imagine not being able to do that?

I went to the hospital yesterday for some x-rays and a post-op check up.
Yesterday has been one of the best days of my life thus far!!!

I can barely find words to properly describe this experience. I will start where my day started and digress a bit to the preamble.

I woke up from a dream shortly before 4am and I absentmindedly scratched at something tickling my face... then I became fully alert 'I can touch my face!' ... Yes folks, for the previous 2 days, my right elbow was that iffy that it could not bend beyond a 90 degrees, thus making it impossible to reach my own face/neck/head. Can you imagine what that is like?

For 2 days, I would instinctively reach towards my face to rub my eye, or I would pick up a snack/spoon/fork to put into my mouth, or I would try to sweep some stray hair from across my cheek and each time my hand would stop mid point (with pain as well of course) ... so for 2 days I had to eat with my left hand, hold my phone with my left hand, wash my face with my left hand and attempt the impossible task of brushing my teeth with my left hand. I even had my mom tie my hair into a pony tail because I couldn't.

So back to my 4am waking... I can touch my face!!! I kissed my hand!!! I kissed it with so much love. Thank you soooo much! Just 4 short hours into sleeping and I awake with the pain and stiffness gone! :)

Despite an early start, I arrived at the hospital pretty late (I really should start back driving)... But I didn't mind...

(Forgive me, for I need to stop here... I will continue this later)

PS: This suddenly reminds me of a story I heard once about what it must be like in Hell. People sitting at a table, full of food! A feast!! but their arms are outstretched and unable to reach their mouths... That is pretty torturous imho.

I love today

I had a wonderful day today!!!!
With each step I took, I just beamed with happiness, awe and appreciation :)

The Zahir - Do we really think about it?

My initial reaction was a defense 'what? this man have it backwards!... maybe it got mixed up in translation'


I re-read it, knowing it was intentional. Then oddly enough, the following quote really did strike me & I had to admit to its relevance according to my own experience thus far:

Our true friends are those who are with us when the good things happen. They cheer us on and are pleased by our triumphs. False friends only appear at difficult times, with their sad, supportive faces, when, in fact, our suffering is serving to console them for their miserable lives

Paulo Coelho

The Zahir.

I am not a cynic in the least. I just observe 
.................................................................................................


Finally, another quote...

The all-powerful Zahir seemed to be born with every human being and to gain full strength in childhood, imposing rules that would thereafter always be respected:

People who are different are dangerous; they belong to another tribe; they want our lands and our women.

We must marry, we are authorised to take possession of another person, body and soul.

 We must do jobs we detest because we are part of an organised society, and if everyone did what they wanted to do, the world would come to a standstill.

 We must buy jewellery; it identifies us with our tribe, just as body-piercing identifies those of a different tribe.

 We must be amusing at all times and sneer at those who express their real feelings; it`s dangerous for a tribe to allow its members to show their feelings.

We must at all costs avoid saying “No” because people prefer those who always say “Yes”, and this allows us to survive in hostile teritory.

What other people think is more important than what we feel.

 Never make a fuss, it might attract the attention of an enemy tribe.

 If you behave differently, you will be expelled from the tribe because you could infect others and destroy something that was extremely difficult to organise in the first place.

 We must always consider the look of our new cave, and if we don`t have a clear idea of our own, then we must call in a decorator who will do his best to show others what good taste we have.

We must eat three meals a day, even if we`re not hungry, and when we fail to fit the current ideal of beauty we must fast, even if we`re starving.

We must dress according to the dictates of fashion, make love whether we feel like it or not, kill in the name of out country`s frontiers, wish time away so that retirement comes more quickly, elect politicians, complain about the cost of living, change our hairstyle, criticise anyone who is different, go to a religious service on Sunday, Saturday or Friday, depending on our religion, and there beg forgiveness for our sins and puff ourselves up with pride because we know the truth and despise the other tribe, who worship a false god.

 Our children must follow in our footsteps; after all, we are older and know about the world.

 We must have a university degree even if we never get a job in the area of knowledge  we were forced to study.

We must study things that we will never use, but which someone told us was important to know: algebra, trigonometry, the code of Hammurabi.

We must never make our parents sad, even if this means giving up everything that makes us happy.

 We must play music quietly, talk quietly, weep in private, because I am the all-powerful Zahir, who lays down the rules and determines the distance between railway tracks, the meaning of success, the best way to love, the importance of rewards.

Like I said, it's a realists view... not cynical, just sad, but true

The pdf copy of this book is available here: *click me*

Random book challenge for 2011

Hosted by Life with books <---- go here to enter
This should be fun! :)

Several of you asked if I’d be hosting the Take A Chance Challenge again. At first, I wasn’t sure, but once I started thinking about it, I got all excited.  So here are the details for the 2011 version of the challenge.

Basic Information

• The concept of the challenge is to take chances with your reading by finding books to read in unusual or random ways. I’ve listed 10 different ways to find books below. Feel free to complete at many as you want. However, anyone completing all 10 challenges by December 31, 2011 will be entered in a prize drawing to win a book of their choice from Amazon.

• The challenge will run from January 1, 2011 until December 31, 2011.

• Crossover books from other challenges is fine. You can read books in any format.

• On January 1, 2011, I will post pages for each of the 10 challenges so you can link up your completed posts.

The 2011 Challenges

1: Staff  Member’s Choice: Go to a bookstore or library that has a “Staff Picks” section. Read one of the picks from that section.

2: Loved One’s Choice: Ask a loved one to pick a book for you to read. (If you can convince them to buy it for you, that is even better!)

3: Blogger’s Choice: Find a “Best Books Read” post from a favorite blogger. Read a book from their list.

4: Critic’s Choice: Find a “Best of the Year” list from a magazine, newspaper or professional critic. Read a book from their Top 10 list.

5: Blurb Book: Find a book that has a blurb on it from another author. Read a book by the author that wrote the blurb.

6: Book Seer Pick: Go to The Book Seer and follow the instructions there. Read a book from the list it generates for you.

7: What Should I Read Next Pick : Go to What Should I Read Next and follow the instructions there. Read a book from the list it generates for you.

8: Which Book Pick: Go to Which Book and use the software to generate a list of books. Read a book from that list.

9: LibraryThing Pick: Go to LibraryThing’s Zeitgeist page. Look at the lists for 25 Most Reviewed Books or Top Books and pick a book you’ve never read. Read the book. (Yes … you can click on MORE if you have to.)

10: Pick A Method: Pick a method for finding a book from the choices listed below (used in previous versions of the challenge).

• Random Book Selection. Go to the library. Position yourself in a section such as Fiction, Non-Fiction, Mystery, Children (whatever section you want). Then write down random directions for yourself (for example, third row, second shelf, fifth book from right). Follow your directions and see what book you find. Check that book out of the library, read it and then write about it. (If you prefer, you can do the same at a bookstore and buy the book!)
• Public Spying. Find someone who is reading a book in public. Find out what book they are reading and then read the same book. Write about it.
• Random Bestseller. Go to Random.org and, using the True Random Number Generator, enter the number 1950 for the min. and 2010 for the max. and then hit generate. Then go to this site and find the year that Random.org generated for you and click on it. Then find the bestseller list for the week that would contain your birthday for that year. Choose one of the bestsellers from the list that comes up, read it and write about it.

Wait for me my loves... my dear books

I believe it was the week before Christmas 2010 that I was casually strolling through the isles of Nigel R Khan book store in Gulf. Of course it seemed like a casual stroll, when in reality I was a hyper little bunny who couldn't keep my eager hands off the brand new books which in turn couldn't keep their eyes off me. We have an interesting relationship, books and I.

A fellow patron and myself ended up in conversation where she started recommending books for me. Imagine my eager responses! She was quite passionate about the J.D. Robb series. In addition to never reading a J.D. Robb book, I've never even read a Nora Roberts (both are the same author btw). I found this entire encounter really interesting and very refreshing. It was so nice talking to a random stranger who shared a passion for books as much as I do. There wasn't an ounce of 'boasting' in her tone or vibe, she was genuinely recommending books and talking about them. Even when she reached into her bag and pulled out her iPad (omg she has an iPad) ... she really wanted to show me the books she had stored on it and how awesome it was to read e-books. She even had a kindle! (not on her @ the moment though)

Clearly she was from foreign... so I helped direct her to a spot in the mall where she can get wireless connection and we went our separate ways.

Now a few short weeks later, I find myself actually seriously considering the possibility of purchasing a kindle myself. I remember when it first came out, how amazed and scared I was at the same time. I immediately thought that that was something I could never possibly own. I was also afraid of the idea of using an e-reader and not having the paper books in my hands. But now... the kindle has wireless and I can download books for free! The free-ness, sad to say, is the definitive factor in this change of mind. I think it was the idea of actually buying a book that I couldn't see, hold, smell and cradle in my lap that made me nervous before.

Anyways, I think I will buy one. I have however decided to not be hasty since I have a lot of actual real books sitting on my shelves, waiting to be read. I think the wait would make the gratification even sweeter. Plus I won't feel guilty about my investment by having my un-read books watch me with those sad sad eyes...

2011 has met me half way :)

2009 going into 2010 I set it in my mind that according to my own timing, the following year in Tunks world is gonna consist of 2 years in the Gregorian calender. So this, the beginning of 2011... is but my half way point! 


There is much I can say now about the 1st half of this journey I'm on but I think I will revisit it later. 


For now, just for good measure, I would like to reflect on an entry I shared exactly 4 years ago; the basic sentiments of which I believe still stands:

The clock striked 12...It officially brought in the New Year 2007. It’s amazing that just a concept of numbers, time and expectation of ramifications of the latter, could bring about such a sudden and drastic change in mentality and moods world wide!

Considering the lawlessness and undercurrent of panic that seeps into every family, in every home and into everyone's heart...maybe we need more than 1 declared 'new year' per year. Let's make it a new year every month, or even better, let’s delight in positivity and hopefulness each and every morning! Why not celebrate the rising of the sun every day? Obviously we're not going to drink 'till we can't remember our names and create fog in a Caribbean island with countless Fireworks going off every night...but we can carry that feeling within us, every day. Awake with our daily resolutions, the joy of a new beginning or the improvement of a current endeavor. Out with the pain and regret and grudges... and in with the pure essence of love, happiness and overall peace of mind, in our homes, communities, societies, countries and in the world throughout!

Happy New Day!

Where am I?

Where the hell am I?
Where do I want to be?
Am I somewhere special? Does this special make me out of the normz scene? Do I wanna be in the normz scene? Does special make me less or more?
Where am I? Does wanting more normz make me less special?
What if I want both?
What if I want the frequency of normz and the exclusivity of special?
What if I cannot get both?
Where am I in all of this?

Believe, in the resolute urgency of now

Omg... I just realized that I just might be insane!

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result... then by golly I've totally lost my mind!! I've lost my mind months now! ..... what have I been doing? The SAME thing, that's what! I'm being serious here... this is not a satirical rant.... it's an actual realization. It's so commonplace, this little saying... but it's only now that it's really hit home.

Think about it! We do the same thing over and over... we keep being 'ourselves'... we stay within our box of comfort and expect things/ppl around us to change. We cross our fingers hoping that 'this time' the circumstances would be different such that the reactions would be different; preferably in our favor. We hope that 'this time' it finally works....

But omg... I need to do something different than what I have been doing. And what have I been doing? Nothing... just waiting. I need to actually do something. I know, I've been told this innumerable times and I would find innumerable excuses to justify why I just can't... but truth is, I can. I am just deathly afraid.

What would you do if you were not afraid? 


Time just goes on, flows, day after day, week after week... and I cannot get that back. Never could. Time doesn't care that you're waiting for it... its what you do in the mean while that makes the difference.

I cannot wake up one day to regret... I won't allow it... I won't be able to live with it.
This love is anything but complacent... why am I muffling it's voice?

This heaviness hurts too much.
You're a hollow hole filled with everything I want and layers of disappointment and fear.
I hate that I find myself needing you

THR - 1 year anniversary :)

One year ago today, on November 26th 2009... this was what I had done on my right hip
Three months ago, on August 26th 2010... this was what I had done on my left hip

I cannot even being to describe what the last year has been like... but if I can choose just one word, it would be AMAZING ...... the good, the bad, trails, complications, recuperation, rehabilitation, joys, sorrows, milestones, achievements, discoveries, mobilities, abilities, loves... the pain........ and the lack of pain... It's just all been Amazing... truly, amazing!!!

Thank you everyone and everything!

Divinely Ochestrated

It's a special night. It's the 85th birthday of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. The added importance of this night is in what it brought for me exactly one year ago.

A year ago, I was on the short notice waiting list for my first THR surgery. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, medically etc... and I eventually did get the call asking me to come in the next morning to be admitted. I thought I was ready, but I totally freaked out. I cried and cried, if only to myself, lost in a spiral of panic. Then something happened and the surgery got postponed. I woke up the next day and did something I never do considering the volatility of my health, i.e. make plans! I printed out the November 2009 month calender on a piece of paper and filled almost every day with things I wanted to do. I spoke to the Lord and the Universe and said in no uncertain terms, that I am GOING to get everything on that list done! I am going to make it to every event and then, only then, I will get the call again for surgery.


Such was my month of November. Packed! Filled with things to do, places to go and most importantly, I was able to attend all the rehearsals and perform with the Sai Youth for the National Birthday Programme that year. Oh... I even dyed my hair pink!

Then came November 23rd 2009...

I went to my Sai Centre for the Birthday Satsangh and I remember on the drive back home, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the car door while letting the air from outside hit my face... cool breeze, nice sweet nighttime air. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of contentment and just feeling happy. I looked to the sky and I whispered ... 'I'm ready'. That night I left my phone on 'loud' instead of switching it to silent as I normally would... and I went to sleep. A few hours later I was awoken by the ring ring ring ... and there it was, my surgery call!

I should mention that 'coincidentally' enough, the Birthday Satsangh at my Sai Centre was actually the last thing on the November month calender I had printed and stuck on my fridge. I had completed them all!

One year ago today... I let go and let God and the universe worked everything out in the most divinely orchestrated way. Nothing happens before it's time.

The night I slept...

Last night, after a very long demanding weekend and I guess an equally long and demanding week... I got home about 8pm and by 9pm I dropped on bed, absolutely exhausted... but happily so. I smiled so hard on the inside knowing that I didn't have to wake up to face any Monday type modes of normalcy and for that moment my entire being resonated with appreciation.

I then got a sudden feeling of I have no idea what. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes and I swear to God, I could hear my eyelids sweep over my eyes and hear the muscles contract as I closed them even tighter and then like a wave passing through me, I felt every single pore raise, starting from my eyes, down my face, neck, chest, arms, hands, stomach, pelvis, thighs, legs to my toes... then back up to my head. My entire body was just a mass of tingling electrons for a few seconds...

*exhale* I pulled my blanket over me, rolled over to my side, snuggled nicely with my pillow and within moments I was fast asleep.

I woke up 16 hours later

My belly is hungry & my heart is soft

I've somehow spontaneously developed a ravenous hunger a few nights ago. An actual physical hunger, that I just must eat. I know sometimes I would say that 'my belly hungry but I not feeling to eat' ... but now I find myself feeling to eat with a hungry belly too! I can't even blame it on the drugs... Let's call it the beginning of PMS :p

In the meanwhile, I am so very sleepy right now, that I am getting 'car sick feeling' from the effort of just being awake typing this.

To end this, I am a softee, but it's because I love. Love itself cannot hold onto amour and I lack the protection of wit.

Go ahead

I wrote this last night & clicked on 'save now' instead of publish so I can save myself by saving another:

Fu(k it! For once I am going to ALLOW myself to just feel sad if that is how I feel. Who cares the reason? Why rationalize it? Why fear it's ramifications? For once T... just feel. It's ok. Cuz God knows how much pain I'm holding in

Never again

I did something... and I don't ever wanna do it again!

I did it willingly.

I think it's the universe's way of helping to obliterate this obsession that was taking me over. Trust me when I say this, I had no logical way to stop it since it in itself was illogical... that need... that fixation that haunted me constantly. I never could have possibly conceived that I would feel like this now.

Now I'm sick to the stomach. Disgusted. I can smell it. I want to retch.

I want to burn it all away. Wash it all away. I want to change the air and everything it touched

No more. No regrets. Thank you universe. Just no more.

Divali 2010

Tomorrow is Divali! Well it's today to be exact, considering it's after midnight. I'm already on bed and thinking to 'call it an early night' for a change. I suspect it's going to be a long day and night ahead.

Divali is supposed to be the darkest night of the year right? Considering that, I don't think I have ever in my entire life really experienced the darkness of that night. It's the one night that is guaranteed to be splattered with lights near and far. Maybe that's the point of it. Removal of darkness.

May this Divali remove the darkness and sadness in our hearts.
May the light illuminate our souls and touch those around us.

Normality... is subjective

The night has come to an end. It's late, it's time to finally get some sleep.
You brush your teeth and smile at the mirror admiring how clean they look.
You wash your face and pat it dry feeling clean and refreshed.
You put on night cream and lip balm, brush your hair and place everything back on the counter.
You see a rubber band. It's new. It's clean. It's pretty.
You find a syringe, sealed.
You take them both in your hands, place the bowl lid down, sit and wrap the rubber band around your wrist.
You double it. It's tight. Very tight.
You let your arm hang. You slap it gently. You watch the veins rise to the skin
You touch them lightly... feeling the pulse
You take the syringe out... you undo the suction
There is a vein passing over your knuckles to your pinky finger. It's big
You touch it. You press it... you feel the resistance of the blood pressing back
You take the needle and position it firmly in your hand
You latch your fingers around the end and turn it so the hole is facing upwards
You place it on the vein... and push.
It pierces the skin. Effortlessly
Tiny stream of red flows into the cylinder. You are in.
You pull and watch the blood slowly flow out... and in.
You pump the needle in deeper. You feel no pain.
You pull for more blood and watch the cc's climb
You want more but there's only so much it can take.
This is not the movies. This is not a doctors office.
You pull out! The blood shoots out with massive force, leaking everywhere.
Your vein is open if only by a tiny hole.
You pull the band off, quickly and just watch the red liquid flow... and drip and drip...
And with a sudden urgency with no warning in sight, you clamp down the swollen vein and stop it!
Blood is leaking under the skin. It hurts now. You don't care
You take the syringe and face the mirror. You let the blood drip from it, drop by drop.
You watch it fall.... onto your hand, into the sink, onto a napkin, onto your face, onto your tongue...
Drop... Drop... Drop... You taste it
You draw a line of blood onto the mirror and watch it flow down
It doesn't go far... it thickens
You cannot get anymore out the syringe, blood coagulates too quickly.
This is not the movies. This is not a laboratory.
You throw it away.
You touch the blood on the mirror with your finger tips... and smear it on your lips
Red rosy lips. Blood red
You lick them.... suck them... bite them.
You wipe the mirror clean
You wash your hands. The vein is swollen. It's getting blue.
You press it, it hurts.
You smile. Time to sleep.
You watch the blue bruise travel down the vein as the hours and days go by.
You feel the pain.
You see it suffering and it's ok. Everything is ok.
 The hole is gone.
You are ok. Smile.

Everything... it's everything

I never knew it was possible to feel so much. I don't need to understand it anymore. It's unfathomable. I cannot touch it. I cannot hold it. I cannot express it. I can just feel it.
It is me
It is you
It is everything.

I can feel everything! I cannot keep it in me... I am you.
I am everything
and I want everything that I am
I want everything that is you

Can you feel this?

The distraction

Hmmmm... let's see. In about 12 hours from now I would have started my pre-medication to keep me from 'having a reaction' *cross fingers* it works! I have a feeling it'll all be ok :)

Rituximab Infusion part 2 - Here I come!

Tonight is all about distraction. No other reason I would actually find myself 'online' on FB chat. I realised that after the fact though... What else do I notice?

I am shaking my leg constantly... like when I was back in school writing an exam.... I would become aware of it and stop, then sooner than later, it'll start back again

I just bit off my nail... the second one for tonight

I am biting my lip

Yupp... I am nervous. Wow, hell, anyone could have asked me this and there was no way my answer was going to be in the affirmative. I have to stop, step back and observe myself before I can notice and acknowledge it...

Wow I can't believe I'm actually nervous. I am. It will all be ok!

My body wants to be what it is

Wow... my insides have never felt more baby making feelings than they have been over the last 24 hours!
('least not for a long time)
The human race will forever live on, and it's our fault
As equally as it's mine

I am here, I am not

I really forced myself to go out tonight. From the moment I woke up, I knew everything I did would be in preparation for later... and what was everything? Take a load of painkillers and go right back to sleep. I woke up feeling 'better'... I ate, bathed, got dressed, sat in the car and realised 'I really don't want to go anywhere... I really can't make' ..... but I did. I went. I was in soooooo much pain!! But no one would know. I made sure of it.

I confessed to someone (and yes it was a confession in my books since I would never normally admit to it) that I'm really not up to going and he asked "you lost your vibe?" and my answer took some time because I decided on being honest. "I never had it really. It's just been in theory"

The vibe was never really there. It was all in theory. All in wishful thinking. All in riding the impetus of reaching milestones way faster than I should be and some pseudo sense of camaraderie. All in me following through with a promise. All in me being stubborn. It was never my vibe...probably never would be. (I don't even know if  he understood what I said)

I realise that I'm tired. I cannot keep up, in more ways than one, I just cannot keep up. I have been fulfilling the role of 'speedy recovery' . But I'm so so tired.

Tonight I realised that I've been pushing myself, like I have a tendency of doing. Pushing myself too hard.

I am not ready... not for this, not as yet.

The only thing I do want disappoints me over and over again and that's not good. Expectation is the mother of all misery... I know better than to believe, but I do. Something is holding me here. I always find it hard to ask for what I want. This hurts... hard

Wait, what?

I'm sitting here on a nice big comfortable chair, facing the windows on the east of my house. There's a little ornamental pepper plant in front of me and I'm watching the leaves and delicate little branches shaking... it's almost constant. For the first time since September 2nd, I am feeling breeze through this window, the way it should be, the way it used to be all my life living here.

I am sitting here feeling a mixture of sadness, disappointment and anger. My lips are sealed and breathing shallow... forehead and eyes tense. I'm trying hard not to let myself cry right now. *bites the inside of my bottom lip*

I'm sitting here and all that is running through my mind is:

"I'm just waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

waiting..."

That's all I'm doing. If my life was a book right now, the undercurrent theme that everything rides on would be an overwhelming sense of waiting. Patience is my virtue and my vice *sighs*

Rituximab treatment: The unblogged story (till now)

The Infusion Related Anaphylactic Reaction

December 2008 was the first time I had done this treatment and it was also the first time it was being done in Trinidad and Tobago. That was the first time I had an anaphylactic reaction and the first time I had to spend a night in a hospital.

I was a well read, knowledgeable patient at the time having read countless medical journals, case studies and medical trials on this drug, but nothing prepared me for what was about to happen. Now short of 2 years later, it happens again... I may not have been up to date with the latest trials and reviews, but I was prepared to recognize the onset of what would become one of the worst experiences I think someone can have.

Present day:

I rushed down lunch as the docor was ready to start the infusions. I had already been given my panadol, gravol, piriton and 100cc hydrocort. A fellow patient and I began the infusion at 1:00pm. The doctor told me I need to lie down or else the flow would take forever, so I grab my donut dessert and settled onto my bed (which I think btw was made for short ppl). I munch munch on my donut, with earphones on ... munch, swallow, munch swallow, munch, swallow, munch.... swallow?

My ears felt weird? I put down the donut and handed it over to mom who asked me if I was done. I said 'yea, just now'. I took off my earphones and tried to swallow again... it's worst. Mom asks 'what happen?' ... I respond 'something's happening'. Here it was... the beginning. I closed my eyes and counted 10 seconds: 1.... 2... 3.... 4.... 5.... 6.... 7.... 8... 9.... 10 *swallow* ..... omg I cannot swallow!

I called out a nurse and mostly with gesticulations, I told her 'throat, itchy, pain, swelling, cannot swallow'. I must have been about 1 minute now since the onset of the 1st strange ear feeling. She slowed down the i.v. drip and asked if it was getting better... I didn't respond. Because I couldn't. I couldn't talk. The doctor came and ordered it to be 'dc' (discontinued) and immediately hit me up with another 100cc's of hydrocort and chlorpheniramine. At that point, 2 minutes later, I could barely breathe and my heart was racing! My on average low BP was now sky rocketing. Thankfully I had about 1 inch of my passageway open in my throat so I labored to breathe, unable to talk or swallow and unable to breathe through my nose. I stayed calm though... or at least I eventually made myself calm. Put simply, it was very scary.

They started a new bag of saline solution to flush my veins.

All we could do now was wait... I just needed O2 and time. Thankfully I had both. Things didn't get worst... I lay there for 4 hrs after, trying to breathe and stay calm. Trying to swallow felt like razor blades. Trying to talk felt like... I cannot describe. I couldn't talk. Things got better. The infusion was restarted. No more reaction. Doc and nurses checked on me constantly! They were absolutely efficient. Had I not alerted them the moment the symptoms started, my entire air passage way would have closed in and well... it would have been a scene from Grey's or House with throats being slit open and tubes being shoved down. Thank God it didn't reach to that.

5:00pm I could talk again a bit. 5:30pm 2 friends dropped in to see me, one of them brought a mocha chiller! 6:15pm, I was able to sip and swallow my chiller... and never in my entire life had I been more happy and grateful to feel something go down my throat!