My first day back out for the Semester went pretty well. There was something so strange and almost precious about waking up all on my own and being responsible for myself and to myself in getting to class and doing what I had to do. I absolutely loved my first lecture! The course itself and the lecturer are both very intriguing. The walk back to Milner was long and tiresome but ... well *smirks* it was well worth it =)
Today, my second day, started off almost the opposite. I felt so sleepy, rundown and pained. I started my day by calling my dad, just to touch base before the day gets busy, then I did the needful and slowly laboured onto campus. I found myself chanting a mantra with EVERY step I took! In doing so, I became aware that I haven't quite finished learning how to walk again (Post THRs) so with each painful step, I made a conscious effort to lift, bend, go forward and drop, curl, lift, bend, go forward and drop... on and on and on and on. I started using muscles I rarely used before, all in the effort to widen my stride and appear more fluid.
I observed everyone walking pass me, and I really mean everyone. There was no human being who was behind me in any noticeable distance who did NOT overtake me at some point. It's unnerving and sometimes throws me into a real uncomfortable zone. After 10 minutes of walking, I finally had to remind myself that 'hey, you should be happy, you're walking with titanium hips... you're actually walking; something you couldn't exactly do a few years ago' ... So I trod over the dewy wet grass, letting the coolness caress my very painful tired feet and I smiled knowing that I've come a long way and I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Later in the day, my person and his friend and I all had class at the same time, so we quickly packed up our lunch and were heading on our way. I told them I'll walk with them since I'm going to class as well and it was on the way to their class. I actually was looking forward to having their company to class for a change, since it's very rare that our class times coincide. Now what happened next, I'm afraid I will admit, really hurt me. They, knowing I was coming with them, knowing we're going in the same direction for the same time, decided to walk on along at their own merry pace, leaving me behind. I feigned childish offence hoping he would at least remember 'oh right, she can't walk as fast as we do' but, with or without that registering in his mind, they still, for the entire walk, stayed well ahead of me, despite stopping at times to make sure I was following, but never letting me reach their sides. It was barely a minute if so much, but it was so humiliating for me. I was so hurt and angry! Why would you leave me behind if you KNOW I'm walking with you guys? Why stop to show that you are aware that I'm straggling behind, but never once let me reach up to you? I felt so horrible and ashamed and belittled and inadequate and disappointed and angry and... hurt.
Of course I didn't say or do anything about it since I had to go in my class and they had to go to theirs. It just really hurt me. I don't think its even fathomable to others how
aware I am of my own limitations and how hard I try to integrate myself into the normal workings of things. I may appear normal and whatever, but I'm battling with chronic pain and trying my best to hide those manyyyy little things I just cannot do! Case in point - I cannot walk fast, so I walk slowly ... and people would just think I LIKE to walk slowly, that it's just my thing. But that's far from it... I walk slowly because each step I take is a painful task, I'm terribly weak and the movement in itself, is a limited one.
Anyways, in writing this, I realize that after that midday incident; I somehow managed to orchestrate my situation such that I didn't have to walk with anyone again. I either went alone, or didn't go at all. Such is the power of betrayed trust and being hurt. Even with something as seemingly silly as this, I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to keep proving myself to the world in trying to fit in anymore. So rather than trying to put myself through the pain of trying to keep up or the humiliation of being left behind, I may have to walk alone... though I don't want to. I really don't want to. If it's anyone, I wish
he won't do this to me again (I don't know how to tell him)
