Divinely Ochestrated

It's a special night. It's the 85th birthday of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. The added importance of this night is in what it brought for me exactly one year ago.

A year ago, I was on the short notice waiting list for my first THR surgery. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, medically etc... and I eventually did get the call asking me to come in the next morning to be admitted. I thought I was ready, but I totally freaked out. I cried and cried, if only to myself, lost in a spiral of panic. Then something happened and the surgery got postponed. I woke up the next day and did something I never do considering the volatility of my health, i.e. make plans! I printed out the November 2009 month calender on a piece of paper and filled almost every day with things I wanted to do. I spoke to the Lord and the Universe and said in no uncertain terms, that I am GOING to get everything on that list done! I am going to make it to every event and then, only then, I will get the call again for surgery.


Such was my month of November. Packed! Filled with things to do, places to go and most importantly, I was able to attend all the rehearsals and perform with the Sai Youth for the National Birthday Programme that year. Oh... I even dyed my hair pink!

Then came November 23rd 2009...

I went to my Sai Centre for the Birthday Satsangh and I remember on the drive back home, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the car door while letting the air from outside hit my face... cool breeze, nice sweet nighttime air. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of contentment and just feeling happy. I looked to the sky and I whispered ... 'I'm ready'. That night I left my phone on 'loud' instead of switching it to silent as I normally would... and I went to sleep. A few hours later I was awoken by the ring ring ring ... and there it was, my surgery call!

I should mention that 'coincidentally' enough, the Birthday Satsangh at my Sai Centre was actually the last thing on the November month calender I had printed and stuck on my fridge. I had completed them all!

One year ago today... I let go and let God and the universe worked everything out in the most divinely orchestrated way. Nothing happens before it's time.

The sentence in my head... (continued)

... and it hurts sometimes. It makes me cry. It pulls and stabs and gnaws at places inside of me that I can't even reach to protect. The sting of sadness that evaded me before has now become a shroud... and a second skin like porcelain underneath my own. Right now I'm silent no more... but no one is here to hear me crying... and that's how I want it to be.

You shake my soul

My first thought was 'omg wtf?!'

I'm trying to sleep, body exhausted but pain too much, mind drifting from thought to thought, haunted...tortured. I dream a little... I wake up and wonder if I slept at all. But I dreamt... so I must have... right? It's cold... It's dark... I'm under covers from head to toe, skin hurting & numb at the same time... then it happened!

THUNDER

Never in my entire life have I been that messed up by thunder. It came in waves... My heart instantly started to race! More and more thunder... the windows all around me started to shake. It was louder and louder and I don't know what the hell was wrong with me, but it fu(k'd me up.

I love weather like this. Love watching the lightening and waiting for the thunder. But not when I'm a cocoon in a dark room with heavy feelings, foggy thoughts and painful movements...

More thunder still... I think I'm pass the urge to cry. I think...

Noooo of all the songs to play... :'( I lose my fight

The signal sleeps

My gosh... what a feeling! & no it hasn't passed!
I had to will myself to breathe...
Without the sting of sadness, tears forced themselves out... a single drop on either end, rolling down my face. Without permission... Without a thought of recognition.
Just feeling.

It's present continuous, present continuous!

What the ____ am I supposed to think?

Choir of furies in your head...

So the preamble was downright emotionally humiliating! I couldn't have bared my soul anymore, laid it all down any more clearly and put myself directly at the mercy of another's God like control.

It was amazing!!! I couldn't have expected anything more. Perfectly imperfect with all the little moments of awe that flowed so naturally. Like nothing. Like everything. Leaps on the inside masked by serenity. Smile.

The aftermath was more than tears could cover. A flow like no other. Shock, hurt... an unbelievable feeling of hopelessness, regret and pretty much fury.

The Balance of Life! I do not know how I feel about this theory anymore. The truth in it brings either great unhappiness or sweet relief. The bad follows the good, follows the bad, follows the good. Sad, brings happiness, then comes sad, then happiness...

One of Sai Baba's teachings is that of Equanimity. I think I am finally understanding that in my own way. If the balance of life is inevitable, then to prevent the pivoting back and forth between extreme emotions, we should just practice equanimity.

Maybe I should be drugged up on the good herbs: remain in a constant state of calm, cool, detached observance. Nothing gets me excited. Nothing gets me sad. I just keep floating through...
I wish I was like that.

But my emotions run deep

I feel too much

I appreciate whole heartedly

I hurt hard as well

Such is the downfall of anyone who experiences an experience... & that I do.