Wait, what?

I'm sitting here on a nice big comfortable chair, facing the windows on the east of my house. There's a little ornamental pepper plant in front of me and I'm watching the leaves and delicate little branches shaking... it's almost constant. For the first time since September 2nd, I am feeling breeze through this window, the way it should be, the way it used to be all my life living here.

I am sitting here feeling a mixture of sadness, disappointment and anger. My lips are sealed and breathing shallow... forehead and eyes tense. I'm trying hard not to let myself cry right now. *bites the inside of my bottom lip*

I'm sitting here and all that is running through my mind is:

"I'm just waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting, 

waiting,

waiting,

waiting,

waiting..."

That's all I'm doing. If my life was a book right now, the undercurrent theme that everything rides on would be an overwhelming sense of waiting. Patience is my virtue and my vice *sighs*

Ball and chain

I hate having to give in to all your ignorance and fears and f____d up illogical 'excuses'.
I hate having to listen to your unbelievably stupid, unfair and uncalled for rants about the past, accusations thrown all over and grudges thrown in my face.
I hate that I believe you over and over and over and over, month after month, year after year... that you actually listen and understand and changed.
I hate that I try so hard and like the fool I am, I keep on trying.
I hate that you know you mean so much and you know you ultimately ctrl everything yet you choose to break me down so much... You really break me down!
I hate that I cannot explode because it will be murder suicide. I rather just implode and die alone.
I rather just die ... each time, I rather just die
But I don't

The signal sleeps

My gosh... what a feeling! & no it hasn't passed!
I had to will myself to breathe...
Without the sting of sadness, tears forced themselves out... a single drop on either end, rolling down my face. Without permission... Without a thought of recognition.
Just feeling.

It's present continuous, present continuous!

What the ____ am I supposed to think?