Believe, in the resolute urgency of now

Omg... I just realized that I just might be insane!

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result... then by golly I've totally lost my mind!! I've lost my mind months now! ..... what have I been doing? The SAME thing, that's what! I'm being serious here... this is not a satirical rant.... it's an actual realization. It's so commonplace, this little saying... but it's only now that it's really hit home.

Think about it! We do the same thing over and over... we keep being 'ourselves'... we stay within our box of comfort and expect things/ppl around us to change. We cross our fingers hoping that 'this time' the circumstances would be different such that the reactions would be different; preferably in our favor. We hope that 'this time' it finally works....

But omg... I need to do something different than what I have been doing. And what have I been doing? Nothing... just waiting. I need to actually do something. I know, I've been told this innumerable times and I would find innumerable excuses to justify why I just can't... but truth is, I can. I am just deathly afraid.

What would you do if you were not afraid? 


Time just goes on, flows, day after day, week after week... and I cannot get that back. Never could. Time doesn't care that you're waiting for it... its what you do in the mean while that makes the difference.

I cannot wake up one day to regret... I won't allow it... I won't be able to live with it.
This love is anything but complacent... why am I muffling it's voice?

Don't speak

How can I reach out and hide at the same time?
I just realized that's exactly what I'm doing.

I was instructed and warned tonight to not tell people my business. Don't tell people how I feel. Especially don't tell people if I am unwell. Don't tell people anything. No wonder anytime life is like how it is right now, I tend to go into 'drop off the face of the earth' mode. An undeniable state of conditioning.

Sad thing is, I grew to actually learn the hard way the logic behind it... I burn to learn and since then it's been especially difficult.

In general, being direct is so hard. I always pick and chose what I say and what I don't. I always sound 'fine' on the phone and look 'good' when ppl see me.

I like people and I'm afraid of them.
The ones I like the most are the one's I'm most afraid of... at least for awhile. At least till the point that I realize I have nothing to lose again.

I'm grappling with too much conflict ... This is what I realized tonight. Pity it took a fall out session for me to do so. I'm torn between being terrified of expressing myself and being an innately expressive person who yearns to be understood... bleeds to feel....

On another note, I love hard