Your physical form is no more

Andres: Swami didn't make it
Me: What?

This was how the conversation began. My 1st thought was that someone didn't make it to the satsangh that he just went to. Darn. I didn't make it either... I was home sicky. But then, that would be quite a horrible typo to make though... mixing up *insert person's name* with 'Swami'

But it wasn't a mistake. Swami didn't make it. Sathya Sai Baba has left his physical form.

I have been incredibly reserved about my experiences in the Ashram. It was all intensely personal and definitely not something that's easily said or understood by others. I could never say this to others... everyone was estatic on my behalf! It was a personal and somewhat bitter argument between Swami and I. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go. I didn't need to see him physical. I never wanted to. But no one see's Bhagawan w/o him wanting it to happen.... even if I didn't. Now I know why...

I keep thinking 'Swami... you knew! You've known all along! You called me to see you despite all my protest and reservations... you made SURE of it... because you knew" ..... No one else knew. No one knew that just the day after I landed back in Trinidad, that he would end up in the hospital.

I am tempted to be sorry. But I cannot be. I am happy, sad and immensely grateful. I've never been attached to his physical form, never wanted to be. Never cared to. It was all about love and a way of life. Swami allowed me his darshan and graced me with intense stares... blanking my mind! & it was then I re-affirmed my belief that 'I don't need to see you again... I am happy with just this once'

Once... was my Karma. Thank you Swami!  

Divinely Ochestrated

It's a special night. It's the 85th birthday of Sri Sathya Sai Baba. The added importance of this night is in what it brought for me exactly one year ago.

A year ago, I was on the short notice waiting list for my first THR surgery. I spent weeks upon weeks preparing myself, physically, mentally, emotionally, medically etc... and I eventually did get the call asking me to come in the next morning to be admitted. I thought I was ready, but I totally freaked out. I cried and cried, if only to myself, lost in a spiral of panic. Then something happened and the surgery got postponed. I woke up the next day and did something I never do considering the volatility of my health, i.e. make plans! I printed out the November 2009 month calender on a piece of paper and filled almost every day with things I wanted to do. I spoke to the Lord and the Universe and said in no uncertain terms, that I am GOING to get everything on that list done! I am going to make it to every event and then, only then, I will get the call again for surgery.


Such was my month of November. Packed! Filled with things to do, places to go and most importantly, I was able to attend all the rehearsals and perform with the Sai Youth for the National Birthday Programme that year. Oh... I even dyed my hair pink!

Then came November 23rd 2009...

I went to my Sai Centre for the Birthday Satsangh and I remember on the drive back home, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the car door while letting the air from outside hit my face... cool breeze, nice sweet nighttime air. I remember having this overwhelming feeling of contentment and just feeling happy. I looked to the sky and I whispered ... 'I'm ready'. That night I left my phone on 'loud' instead of switching it to silent as I normally would... and I went to sleep. A few hours later I was awoken by the ring ring ring ... and there it was, my surgery call!

I should mention that 'coincidentally' enough, the Birthday Satsangh at my Sai Centre was actually the last thing on the November month calender I had printed and stuck on my fridge. I had completed them all!

One year ago today... I let go and let God and the universe worked everything out in the most divinely orchestrated way. Nothing happens before it's time.