Believe, in the resolute urgency of now

Omg... I just realized that I just might be insane!

It is said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result... then by golly I've totally lost my mind!! I've lost my mind months now! ..... what have I been doing? The SAME thing, that's what! I'm being serious here... this is not a satirical rant.... it's an actual realization. It's so commonplace, this little saying... but it's only now that it's really hit home.

Think about it! We do the same thing over and over... we keep being 'ourselves'... we stay within our box of comfort and expect things/ppl around us to change. We cross our fingers hoping that 'this time' the circumstances would be different such that the reactions would be different; preferably in our favor. We hope that 'this time' it finally works....

But omg... I need to do something different than what I have been doing. And what have I been doing? Nothing... just waiting. I need to actually do something. I know, I've been told this innumerable times and I would find innumerable excuses to justify why I just can't... but truth is, I can. I am just deathly afraid.

What would you do if you were not afraid? 


Time just goes on, flows, day after day, week after week... and I cannot get that back. Never could. Time doesn't care that you're waiting for it... its what you do in the mean while that makes the difference.

I cannot wake up one day to regret... I won't allow it... I won't be able to live with it.
This love is anything but complacent... why am I muffling it's voice?

I am here, I am not

I really forced myself to go out tonight. From the moment I woke up, I knew everything I did would be in preparation for later... and what was everything? Take a load of painkillers and go right back to sleep. I woke up feeling 'better'... I ate, bathed, got dressed, sat in the car and realised 'I really don't want to go anywhere... I really can't make' ..... but I did. I went. I was in soooooo much pain!! But no one would know. I made sure of it.

I confessed to someone (and yes it was a confession in my books since I would never normally admit to it) that I'm really not up to going and he asked "you lost your vibe?" and my answer took some time because I decided on being honest. "I never had it really. It's just been in theory"

The vibe was never really there. It was all in theory. All in wishful thinking. All in riding the impetus of reaching milestones way faster than I should be and some pseudo sense of camaraderie. All in me following through with a promise. All in me being stubborn. It was never my vibe...probably never would be. (I don't even know if  he understood what I said)

I realise that I'm tired. I cannot keep up, in more ways than one, I just cannot keep up. I have been fulfilling the role of 'speedy recovery' . But I'm so so tired.

Tonight I realised that I've been pushing myself, like I have a tendency of doing. Pushing myself too hard.

I am not ready... not for this, not as yet.

The only thing I do want disappoints me over and over again and that's not good. Expectation is the mother of all misery... I know better than to believe, but I do. Something is holding me here. I always find it hard to ask for what I want. This hurts... hard

Awake to feel

I've been up since 6am on Monday, though I did get a little nap in the afternoon.
Sleep was about to take me when I got stabbed with joy.

It's astonishing how the desire to transcribe something into the annals of memory can supersede sleep deprivation.

Where is the line?

Sometimes it seems to me that there is a fine line between being positive/hopeful and being blinded/naive. But there is also a fine line between being cautious/careful and being cynical/jaded. Where do I find the line? How do I not cross it? In reality however, being cautious and being cynical is 2 very different things... one comes from good sense and the other comes from good sense gone bad. I'm not sure if that made sense lol But yea... How do you recognize if you're being cautious or if you've crossed over to the next side?

The Secret - theory of attraction... it makes me wonder. You want something, you hope for it... you see it unfolding before your eyes and just as it becomes real to you, the fear of loosing it becomes real as well. Why do we become afraid of loosing something we don't even have? Why do we become afraid of having something we always wanted? Is it self sabotage or self preservation? Maybe it's a bit of both...

I want to jump into the waters of positivity head on! I don't want to be afraid OF myself FOR myself anymore...

THR vs RA

So this is rare and not very often I would taint my abstract streak to delve into personal matters as such, but here I am... and here it goes...

How do I find the balance?
I'm trying to find the balance between being a good THR patient and a good RA patient. Quite an unorthodox case for rehab the therapist told me... it's always that fine line I keep treading on.

Therapy is awesome! It hurts and it feels good. It gets me so snappy but so happy... wow, ok I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but it did!

I've neglected being a good RA patient in light of the THR rehab... and sadly that can boomerang on me if I don't get a grip on things now.

Thankfully, I got my grip! =)

It's a new year - 2010

2009 is over...
I don't know, I'm not sure what to say. Where is this transition?
2009 has been a very very eventful year for me. Writing this right now, I haven't yet fully reflected on everything, but the thought of thinking, is overwhelming enough to make me sure that this year gone by really has been saturated with events, adventures, pains, joys and many many choices.
The risks I've taken, the choices I've had to make... the countless twists and turns in directions, all essentially leading to the same general path... The intense catalyst moments I've encountered... Love & Life
Oh boy, 2009 has been so horrible and so wonderful. I am so happy to have experienced it all.
2010 is here... I think my new year is a 2 year project & I'm only half way through. More good stuff is coming...
xoxo

Random burst

Ok so is this like a delayed reaction or what?
I'm liking it...
Am I am able to differentiate the type when the degrees of intensity are the same?
Do I want to?
Sleep seems most effective right about now
hehe

Odd

I need a new outlet, not another shoulder. I thought to myself, I need something, something else... and my mind came right back to this. It's not new, but it may as well be, since I haven't been expressing myself much here in awhile.

Everyone needs a fall back plan.

I think I realized this when I found myself blogging in my head. I thought to myself that talking to myself in my head, is not entirely healthy... and worst yet, telling myself that I'm thinking that talking to myself in my head is not entirely healthy, is even worst.

I can be a recluse, I know. I can't ignore the fact that this does not affect me and me alone. But a small part of me wishes it didn't.

I end this with a quote from the book I'm currently reading "Forever Odd" by Dean Koontz:

Loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused"

PS: The link takes you to the official Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas series page! It's kinda cool.

Let's chat till the cows come home!

Who's on your Mylime?

So Bmobile is offering it's Mylime customers unlimited free text messaging and calls between the hours of 10pm to 6am, Sunday to Sunday. I must admit, it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world getting something free from TSTT, no strings attached!

I'm wondering however... what are the implications of this new promotion? Not to Bmobile themselves, but to us, the citizens of T&T. In economic terms, nothing is free...there's always some opportunity cost attached, in some indirect way we're paying for it all.

As a population, I can almost guarantee that the aggregate amount of sleep hours has dropped. 10pm to 6am... sounds like a good time to be awake on a Friday night perhaps, but 7 days a week? Hundreds of us out there are on the phone this very instant (2:30am) chatting away with friends, family. significant others... or sending random messages. Its the lure of doing something we don't have to pay for. Except with lack of sleep of course. Maybe, if there was a way to know, work production has decreased during the day because of more people spending time on the phone during these seemingly ungodly hours.

Oh... T&TEC will surely benefit from this. Can you imagine how many times we all need to charge our cells now? We're gonna be seeing cell phones plugged into walls constantly during the night to facilitate this unlimited talk time & insatiable need for communication. Our electricity bills might go up, but who's going to notice that? Probably only T&TEC.

On the bright side though... we're having more communication! Finally people are not faced with having to say or hear "girl, I have only 5 mins left before meh hour up eh, so finish up wha u saying quick!". Since the pressure of paying is off, I'm sure a lot of relationships have miraculously developed, endured and flourished! All because of increased communication. Maybe in some small way, we're a happier bunch of people! (unless the lack of sleep offsets it)

Can there be too much communication? I can imagine those of you who are now forced to switch your cells off or turn them on silent because of the unnecessary barrage of messages shattering the silence of your 3:53am sleep. I'm going to guess that if this is the case, then you should count your blessings to be privileged enough to be one of the limited 5 of your friends Mylime list. Friendship is always a blessing.

So... I don't know. Maybe we're sleep deprived & wasting time on the phone, but maybe we're also more socially satisfied & gaining appreciation of the people in our lives. Who knows...

I'm not going to weigh the pros & cons... but I do wish the promotion will be extended to way beyond June 15th 2008! :) *crosses fingers*

A twist to the tunks; we're all human

I heard an interesting comment today. It had me thinking... hmmm
I'm accustomed to having the following happen to me:
I say: oh man! I'm totally breaking out! Got a zit right there...
Friend say: Oh shut up! You have like perfect skin! Unlike mine...

However for the first time I got a different response to that situation:
I say: Geeze, I got a zit on my chin! A real one!
Friend say: For me that will be nothing, but with perfect skin like yours, the
slightest thing will show up, so I could imagine how you feel

*hmmm*

It's strange to get empathy, but the point is interesting... the person is
right. If someone is accustomed to having acne, then 1 extra zit would
generally go unnoticed (to others). However if you're accustomed to perfect skin then
the slightest blemish or flaw will stand out...

But showing up or not... I won't use this observation to invalidate how it
affects anyone... only the person themselves will know how much a break
out affects them, DESPITE what others will notice or care or not.
But it sure was nice having someone actually empathize with me instead of
brushing off my comment as silly in the light of comparison...
Thanks hun

On the 59th day...

There's always something so confusing about realization without cognitive reflection. The funny thing in my experience is that though cognition is supposed to be void of or contrasted with emotional and volitional processes, somehow, it's the latter that brings that realization to the front.

I woke up in my own bed after 58 days abroad & without a thought to what, why or how, the feeling of nothingness enveloped me in it's not so warm embrace. I didn't link it to anything of the past but for my own sanity sake, as the day weaned on & the feeling grew, I said to myself 'Ah yes, it's back to school time, sigh... & I'm not ready!' I stayed with my theory, milking it to tears, literally... until that realization came crashing down on me.

For the last 58 days I was on auto-pilot. Warping my mind into a narrow view of 'follow & be' w/o bothering to worry about worrying. I pretended with such conviction that I didn't know I was pretending anymore, that tomorrow will never come if I keep living for the now. But each now became yesterday & tomorrow was here. Though the fear was gnawing at me silently, I tried to suppress it, w/o acknowledging that there was something to be suppressed.

On the 59th day... I realized that there is nothing here devoid of responsibility and pain & I had to shatter the walls around my mind to let in all the worrisome details of life. The compromises, the angers, the hurt, the expectation & limitations. I had to weigh back in all the love, accomplishments and above all, the hope! & by God that shattering & merging was painful! The tears finally no longer unaccounted for. But it was worth it!

The Hurt - The Anger

Where does this rage come from?
Where does the need to hate the ones we love
come from?
Sometimes we just want to reach out & hold them in our arms
& strangle them slowly, watching them squirm & writhe in silent pain!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation instigated by the above piece of writing:

Friend says:
hmmmm
Interesting
sure that felt good to get it out huh?

Tunks says:
i felt really guilty reading it after
& guilty even writing it
but it did feel good getting it out

Friend says:
why....
u know i kinda realise sometimes we jus need to feel the anger...the hate..and den most of the times its sadness underneath it all
and we jus need to get it out

Tunks says:
YEP!
'in order to get over something, u need to get tro it first'
it applies to anger as well
sometimes I jus need to really feel it!, cuz if i pretend that im not, or out of guilt supress it, then it becomes just that... supressed
& almost ALWAYS, at the bottom of it all - is hurt
...hurt from being disappointed, feeling foolish, having expectations not met, feeling underminded or disrespected
once a feeling of anger arises - its almost always because of hurt
...even if u've hurt urself

Sometimes...only sometimes

....Trauma. Pain. Abuse. Neglect. Loss. Illness. Grief....

Sometimes we become satisfied that the causal relationship exonerates us from any further responsibility or culpability.

Sometimes it explains everything.

Sometimes it excuses & relieves us of the responsibility for the ramifications & other damages that we do to ourselves & others.

Sometimes it's just too real.

But it's only sometimes. We choose to fill the spaces & make them wider, fuller & less frequent. We choose to recognize & recover.

We choose.

No assurance

Again:

I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, have little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.

It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.

I haven't forgotten - Life won't let me...

I took almost an hour tonight thinking & then looking for this entry. It was written back in early 2005.

The Irony of Happiness

You have to let go of the happiness when it still is happiness; that is the only way to preserve it. Sometimes we hold on to little bits of life hoping it would never change but the more we hold on the more it changes, and then it turns into something which is exactly the opposite to what we had. But we still hold on, and that is the memory and pain we are left with

These words have been drifting around my mind since. As I lay in bed, I took advantage of absorbing the 3am sort of silence ... the kind thats marked by more than just the absence of sound...the kind of silence in which I can actually hear the pulsation of the world around me...thats what it felt like. And these words came back to me...I can't expand on them any more than they are self explanatory.

And then I thought - If only I had known them earlier...now they're something I'll never forget

I love my blog!

A lil update

Yesterday around this time I was capped out from sheer frustration and pain - inflammation, immobility, fevery, irritable, tireddddd & subsequently, depressed.

Today, I'm fine (At least right now)

The volatility of RA! Its the hardest thing to keep up with

Anyways, I'm in the middle of final exams right now. Spent my 21st birthday (May 8th), studying, receiving text msgs and calls and more studying. I fell asleep with my book in hand for about 2 hours. Thank goodness V woke me!

The day after my birthday was my first exam. I cried the day before, the day before that and of course, the day itself. Since when do I ever get so worked up bout an exam?

The day after my first exam was my second exam. I handled that a lot better. Who'd have thought I'd handle a Stats exam better than Econ? What has this world come to when the Tunks actually look fwd to things such as Statistics!? But really tho, I liked that Stats exam...if only we had more time...but I'm grateful!

Last night I finally started feeling better shortly before 3am! Imagine that. Waiting all day to start studying, and my body finally kicks into healthy and study mode around 3am. I did start studying around 11pm tho. I finally finished what I had aimed towards for the night, around 5am.

Right now - I have today and tomorrow to start and finish studying for Maths.
So ummm... I'm gone! :)

Oh, and THANKS everyone for all the wonderful birthday greetings and wishes!

What about the thin people?

In a previous post a long time ago, I remember pondering over the theory that shorter people, having less distance to the floor, falls down less because of more equilibrium and if they do fall, since their distance to the ground is not that much, that maybe the act of falling may not be as painful as with someone who is tall. hmmm...

Anyways, I was wondering recently about thin people! Do thinner people, or folks with a small body mass 'small things', feel less pain? Imagine 2 people standing side by side, one of which is twice as large as the first. Does the bigger person have more pain sensors and nerves on her body merely because of a greater area/mass? Does the small thin person have less nerves and pain sensors than the larger person? Do they feel less pain?

If a tiny thin person was to feel pain from head to toe, and we somehow transferred that pain, it its identical shape and size, to a larger person... does the pain fit 'within' the larger person, and thus the latter is not in pain from 'head to toe'? If a larger person was in pain from ‘head to toe’, would they feel more pain just because there is more of 'them' to hurt?

The birds are chirping at midnight

Hi

It's been a long time since I've posted anything huh... This year I've been out of touch not just with the people who know me but also my blog.

Things have been great overall. Ups and downs - yes, but it's ok. I'm happy.

Have I found a substitute for a blog recently? Maybe I have... together with being pretty busy with school and upcoming exams, though I would admit that the latter really is an excuse from justification. I think I've found a substitute... but a part of me always pulls me back. Right here. On this blog. So... here I am.

How has the year been for everyone so far? Can you think of something happening to you now that you would not have even dreamed about just 3 months ago? If you can, then think of it as yet another sign that life is amazing!

What do we want? I always feel clashed sometimes when I'm asked to make 1 wish. Just 1 wish. Is it the thought that there's only one, or that there's only one for now. It's a time thing I think. Maybe we want to much, too soon, at the same time.

Well... it's after midnight. I'm tired. Take care :)

PS: As for my entry title, it is true. Strange...but true.

Happy New Day

I wrote this 3 days ago and now that I'm finally getting my net to work, here we go!

The clock striked 12...It officially brought in the New Year 2007. It’s amazing that just a concept of numbers, time and expectation of ramifications of the former, could bring about such a sudden and drastic change in mentality and moods world wide!

Considering the lawlessness and undercurrent of panic that seeps into every family, in every home and into everyone's heart...maybe we need more than 1 declared 'new year' per year. Let's make it a new year every month, or even better, let’s delight in positivism and hopefulness each and every morning! Why not celebrate the rising of the sun every day? Obviously we're not going to drink 'till we can't remember our names and create fog in a Caribbean island with countless Fireworks going off every night...but we can carry that feeling within us, every day. Awake with our daily resolutions, the joy of a new beginning or the improvement of a current endeavor. Out with the pain and regret and grudges... and in with the pure essence of love, happiness and overall peace of mind, in our homes, communities, societies, countries and in the world throughout!

Happy New Day!