1 week later

One week post THR surgery ... I can honestly say my recuperation thus far has been so much better than the last time around (10 months ago). So much I can say and I'm thinking that maybe I should document it... 


For now though... I've been surviving on bouts of 2 to 3 hours of sleep for the last week. No more nice solid 8 to 10 hours of sweet slumber. Gonna see if I can get a little nap and maybe I would come back and write some more... maybe...


Now would be a good time for my pending a/c unit to miraculously appear though

Somewhere along the line, I must've got off track with you...

You're always crazy like that.
And I watched from my window,
Always felt I was outside looking in on you.
You're always the mysterious one with
Dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive
But too cool to care.
You stood in my doorway, with nothing to say...

Well excuse me... think I've mistaken you for somebody else... somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself.... & these foolish games are tearing me apart... & your thoughtless words are breaking...my...heart...

My own hands

It's always a little disconcerting when I feel like I cannot fully trust myself with myself anymore... I am recognizing things... & I don't feel like stopping them... not right now

Simple attachment really

I just changed my blog template for the 1st time since I started it in 2003. 
I woke up from a short sweet nap, put on my laptop and opened my blog... I stared at it. I don't like it anymore. I never changed things back then for fear of loosing all my little widgets and customized html stuff. But as with everything, blogger has advanced and options are many.... so now we have it. Change is hard, it's also easy and very addictive. 

Choir of furies in your head...

So the preamble was downright emotionally humiliating! I couldn't have bared my soul anymore, laid it all down any more clearly and put myself directly at the mercy of another's God like control.

It was amazing!!! I couldn't have expected anything more. Perfectly imperfect with all the little moments of awe that flowed so naturally. Like nothing. Like everything. Leaps on the inside masked by serenity. Smile.

The aftermath was more than tears could cover. A flow like no other. Shock, hurt... an unbelievable feeling of hopelessness, regret and pretty much fury.

The Balance of Life! I do not know how I feel about this theory anymore. The truth in it brings either great unhappiness or sweet relief. The bad follows the good, follows the bad, follows the good. Sad, brings happiness, then comes sad, then happiness...

One of Sai Baba's teachings is that of Equanimity. I think I am finally understanding that in my own way. If the balance of life is inevitable, then to prevent the pivoting back and forth between extreme emotions, we should just practice equanimity.

Maybe I should be drugged up on the good herbs: remain in a constant state of calm, cool, detached observance. Nothing gets me excited. Nothing gets me sad. I just keep floating through...
I wish I was like that.

But my emotions run deep

I feel too much

I appreciate whole heartedly

I hurt hard as well

Such is the downfall of anyone who experiences an experience... & that I do.

Raindrops on my eyelashes

As I am typing this... there are raindrops on my eyelashes

I can barely being to describe what that felt like... One minute I'm in the kitchen eating a mango & then the very next I'm out the door just standing there feeling the rain fall on me. Such a sneaky moment of pure indulgence... so unexpected even to myself.

So I am there, spinning slowly and feeling the cold wet drops on my face... watching the slanted downpour in the misty street light... The clean dress I had just changed into was now soaked... I untied my hair from it's pony tail and just let it dance around my face and ears and neck and shoulders... wet and cold and ... embracing.

My cocoon of bliss was then breached by the screech of my mom's voice "Oh my God Child! What you doing standing out there?!" hahaha

But oh boy, that was so good

Sarah's Key

I don't think I've ever read a book that had me as disturbed as this one. I guess mainly because I'd never delved much into historical fiction before. Things based on true life tragedy always piques my interest and unravels my nerves a bit more than I would like. Sarah's key is based on the big Vélodrome d'Hiver round up in Paris back in 1942 where thousands of Jew's were killed. The 1st person account by Sarah left me hollow inside; so distressing... so SAD!! I couldn't stop thinking about this book... about her brother. Picturing everything so clearly in my head. I even googled images from that time and read up on it myself. This was a really good book! I felt however, that the despair of Julia was a bit drawn out in the end, but I guess the author wanted us to understand how much this REALLY affected her (Julia). It may be masochistic, but I have a feeling I would be reading more books of this genre.

Things that left me confused (SPOILER WARNING):

• Why did Sarah's parents allow Sarah to lock her brother in the cupboard? She took full blame for it all her life, but she was only a child. Both her parents appeared to have known that they were not coming back 'anytime soon' from the moment the police came for them...
• I didn't quite connect with Julia as much as I tried to. She seemed overly dramatic towards the end. The readers know the 1st person p.o.v. story from Sarah, but Julia doesn't... why was she so tortured? Utterly and unbelievably tortured? I agree that the event itself allows for feelings like that and more, but her obsession with Sarah and her constant reaffirmation and convictions seemed very illogical. I never really critiqued a book, but honestly, her lamenting towards the end and Sarah's son as well, felt almost like an insult to her [Sarah] and what she REALLY went through. They would never understand, so why be personally wounded? It slightly annoyed me :( I know I'm being harsh :(

Where is the line?

Sometimes it seems to me that there is a fine line between being positive/hopeful and being blinded/naive. But there is also a fine line between being cautious/careful and being cynical/jaded. Where do I find the line? How do I not cross it? In reality however, being cautious and being cynical is 2 very different things... one comes from good sense and the other comes from good sense gone bad. I'm not sure if that made sense lol But yea... How do you recognize if you're being cautious or if you've crossed over to the next side?

The Secret - theory of attraction... it makes me wonder. You want something, you hope for it... you see it unfolding before your eyes and just as it becomes real to you, the fear of loosing it becomes real as well. Why do we become afraid of loosing something we don't even have? Why do we become afraid of having something we always wanted? Is it self sabotage or self preservation? Maybe it's a bit of both...

I want to jump into the waters of positivity head on! I don't want to be afraid OF myself FOR myself anymore...

THR vs RA

So this is rare and not very often I would taint my abstract streak to delve into personal matters as such, but here I am... and here it goes...

How do I find the balance?
I'm trying to find the balance between being a good THR patient and a good RA patient. Quite an unorthodox case for rehab the therapist told me... it's always that fine line I keep treading on.

Therapy is awesome! It hurts and it feels good. It gets me so snappy but so happy... wow, ok I didn't mean for that to rhyme, but it did!

I've neglected being a good RA patient in light of the THR rehab... and sadly that can boomerang on me if I don't get a grip on things now.

Thankfully, I got my grip! =)

It's a new year - 2010

2009 is over...
I don't know, I'm not sure what to say. Where is this transition?
2009 has been a very very eventful year for me. Writing this right now, I haven't yet fully reflected on everything, but the thought of thinking, is overwhelming enough to make me sure that this year gone by really has been saturated with events, adventures, pains, joys and many many choices.
The risks I've taken, the choices I've had to make... the countless twists and turns in directions, all essentially leading to the same general path... The intense catalyst moments I've encountered... Love & Life
Oh boy, 2009 has been so horrible and so wonderful. I am so happy to have experienced it all.
2010 is here... I think my new year is a 2 year project & I'm only half way through. More good stuff is coming...
xoxo

Random burst

Ok so is this like a delayed reaction or what?
I'm liking it...
Am I am able to differentiate the type when the degrees of intensity are the same?
Do I want to?
Sleep seems most effective right about now
hehe

Clench

I queued up an Evanescence playlist on youtube, letting the music play and nostalgia seep through me.

Lying here with my laptop on me, song #11 began playing and I took a deep breath, suddenly becoming aware, much to my surprise, that I had been clenching my jaw very tight this whole time. Took an actual effort to open my mouth after an almost air tight, locked down clench!

I could feel the pulse in my tongue

Snakes and Earrings

I think I'm gonna start using my blog for book ranting now :) It's all personal, not trying to convince anyone to like or dislike a book.

So... lets start with the last book I read: Snakes and Earrings by Hitomi Kanehara

I enjoyed this book with such a sadomasochist version of empathy that it felt almost wrong! lol The prose is entrancingly raw & astonishingly direct... yet wielded together in such sound simplicity that it just works!

The duplicity of emotions I felt while reading this was astonishing to me... to enjoy something with such painful pleasure. Not unlike the story itself ;) The ending unraveled so forcefully, leaving a heaviness on my chest and lump in my throat... staring at the pages in almost disbelief - though I'm sure the author meant us to know, what we know, but won't say...& what Lui seems to be able to live with.

Anywayssss... Descriptive, raw, direct, real, rated, seductive and simple. T'waz a good read for me :)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snakes_and_Earrings

Morning... Mourning

This morning I woke up before my alarm, about 20 minutes before.
I woke up sad.
I remember dreaming, a lot of dreaming, but nothing like a nightmare per say or anyone died or anything, but I opened my eyes and all I could feel was an overwhelming wave of despair creeping up on my faster than I could control.
Getting lost in the feeling was the last thing I could afford, so I tried to find reasons for it, but my mind won't let me. I couldn't think. I lay there staring at the ceiling, the cupboards, the windows, my pillow, the million and one pieces of clothes piling up on my desk and nothing seemed to make sense. The calm and panic all mixed into one, no sieve of reason or understanding to save me.
My chest was heavy, my body tight with tension and pain... I felt weak, emotionally and physically.
My throat felt like it was burning... then I realized I was holding my breath.
Tears came to my eyes... what's going on? How could this be happening with no known reason? Did I dream something? Is something going to happen?
Yes, maybe it is.
...
Mom came into my room to bid me goodbye before heading to work and I just hugged her. My body was hot. Or she was cool.
...
I remember having breakfast. Watching the table in front of me and thinking it's so far away. Do I have to make the effort to move towards it? I feel drained. I don't want to move.
...
I made coffee... maybe this might perk me up. I took happy pills. I took a warm and a cold shower. I made my eye makeup really pretty wit shimmery silver blending into shimmery black.
...
I put on drab gray & black clothes and was off...

!

I want out

Deny

Maybe I would have changed things,
had I know that this was what was going to be
and the mere fact that I know this is so very wrong;
Why did you even have to tell me?
How am I supposed to possibly accept
that my existence is going to be denied?
and despite all the honesty, or pseudo truths
I can assure you, this time, you should have lied.
It's going to be hard not to resent this fact
as the hours and days pile on
but I can only hope that this feeling wouldn't project onto you
until the memory that feeds it is gone...

Flower

Simple kinda life

I'm tired
When did everything become this complicated?
Why is it all interrelated?
I'm jaded

... & that's probably worst

Odd

I need a new outlet, not another shoulder. I thought to myself, I need something, something else... and my mind came right back to this. It's not new, but it may as well be, since I haven't been expressing myself much here in awhile.

Everyone needs a fall back plan.

I think I realized this when I found myself blogging in my head. I thought to myself that talking to myself in my head, is not entirely healthy... and worst yet, telling myself that I'm thinking that talking to myself in my head is not entirely healthy, is even worst.

I can be a recluse, I know. I can't ignore the fact that this does not affect me and me alone. But a small part of me wishes it didn't.

I end this with a quote from the book I'm currently reading "Forever Odd" by Dean Koontz:

Loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused"

PS: The link takes you to the official Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas series page! It's kinda cool.

Let's chat till the cows come home!

Who's on your Mylime?

So Bmobile is offering it's Mylime customers unlimited free text messaging and calls between the hours of 10pm to 6am, Sunday to Sunday. I must admit, it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world getting something free from TSTT, no strings attached!

I'm wondering however... what are the implications of this new promotion? Not to Bmobile themselves, but to us, the citizens of T&T. In economic terms, nothing is free...there's always some opportunity cost attached, in some indirect way we're paying for it all.

As a population, I can almost guarantee that the aggregate amount of sleep hours has dropped. 10pm to 6am... sounds like a good time to be awake on a Friday night perhaps, but 7 days a week? Hundreds of us out there are on the phone this very instant (2:30am) chatting away with friends, family. significant others... or sending random messages. Its the lure of doing something we don't have to pay for. Except with lack of sleep of course. Maybe, if there was a way to know, work production has decreased during the day because of more people spending time on the phone during these seemingly ungodly hours.

Oh... T&TEC will surely benefit from this. Can you imagine how many times we all need to charge our cells now? We're gonna be seeing cell phones plugged into walls constantly during the night to facilitate this unlimited talk time & insatiable need for communication. Our electricity bills might go up, but who's going to notice that? Probably only T&TEC.

On the bright side though... we're having more communication! Finally people are not faced with having to say or hear "girl, I have only 5 mins left before meh hour up eh, so finish up wha u saying quick!". Since the pressure of paying is off, I'm sure a lot of relationships have miraculously developed, endured and flourished! All because of increased communication. Maybe in some small way, we're a happier bunch of people! (unless the lack of sleep offsets it)

Can there be too much communication? I can imagine those of you who are now forced to switch your cells off or turn them on silent because of the unnecessary barrage of messages shattering the silence of your 3:53am sleep. I'm going to guess that if this is the case, then you should count your blessings to be privileged enough to be one of the limited 5 of your friends Mylime list. Friendship is always a blessing.

So... I don't know. Maybe we're sleep deprived & wasting time on the phone, but maybe we're also more socially satisfied & gaining appreciation of the people in our lives. Who knows...

I'm not going to weigh the pros & cons... but I do wish the promotion will be extended to way beyond June 15th 2008! :) *crosses fingers*

A twist to the tunks; we're all human

I heard an interesting comment today. It had me thinking... hmmm
I'm accustomed to having the following happen to me:
I say: oh man! I'm totally breaking out! Got a zit right there...
Friend say: Oh shut up! You have like perfect skin! Unlike mine...

However for the first time I got a different response to that situation:
I say: Geeze, I got a zit on my chin! A real one!
Friend say: For me that will be nothing, but with perfect skin like yours, the
slightest thing will show up, so I could imagine how you feel

*hmmm*

It's strange to get empathy, but the point is interesting... the person is
right. If someone is accustomed to having acne, then 1 extra zit would
generally go unnoticed (to others). However if you're accustomed to perfect skin then
the slightest blemish or flaw will stand out...

But showing up or not... I won't use this observation to invalidate how it
affects anyone... only the person themselves will know how much a break
out affects them, DESPITE what others will notice or care or not.
But it sure was nice having someone actually empathize with me instead of
brushing off my comment as silly in the light of comparison...
Thanks hun

The revelation of S&F

I have a bit of an addiction to Search & Find word puzzles. I started loving it at age 10 & then somehow never really invested on buying the books until I was doing A levels at age 16. Since then I've gone through countless books; word by word, page by page. I sometimes save the time I finish each one, together with the date & my signature. Nowadays, I just save the date since there's no need for my signature anymore... It's become such a ritual in my life & I'm so accustomed to my own style of solving it, that if someone decides to do 1 or 2 words from a puzzle, I would know... There's no hiding it from me! hehe

I knew I was getting too good @ it when I started finishing entire puzzles in less than 2 minutes. As soon as I cross out one, the other word becomes visible to me... there was no pause. It's like I'm in a sort of trace...

I have a preference though... I prefer puzzles that are square with the letters evenly distributed & not different spaces between rows & columns. When they're even, I just have to blur my vision & I can see all the words jumping out at me. Also, I always do them in order, from word 1 until I reach the end... I don't jump around. It takes a certain level of self ctrl to see a word & not circle it only because its further down the list.

Anyways... while doing one of the puzzles today, I just couldn't find the word 'frog'. I searched searched searched & just could not find! I reverted back to my childhood technique of going line by line, top to bottom, bottom to top... & I still couldn't find it. And then I got a revelation about life! hahaha I can think of life as a S&F puzzle... Looking @ it in the beginning, everything looks jumbled, mixed up, no order or understanding... & yet we're given a list of words to find, a list of things to fulfill, in the order of which life means it to be. Sometimes finding what we're looking for is easy... & sometimes, no matter how much we search, we just can't find it! So we think 'Maybe it's not there'... but it's there alright! Amongst all the apparent confusion & randomness, it's there right out before our eyes, yet we can't see it. So we skip it over... move on to something else in life, ignore the feat we couldn't accomplish thinking its a lost cause... When we reach the end of the list & we've ticked off 'school' 'marriage' 'job' 'child' 'icecream' 'hurt' 'pain' 'loss' etc we may think to ourselves ... 'there is just no happiness' :( But if we look closer... its there.... its meshed into & in between; the 'h' in hurt... the 'p' in pain ... the 's' in loss... It's there... but sometimes it's part of something we never thought it could be... it was there all along. We just have to find it!

I need to fly

I'm sitting in front the pc, checking mail & come across one that shows the top 15 skylines in the world. Suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling, screaming inside of me saying "I want to travel the entire world!" There is soooo much to see on this little earth of ours. 6.7 billion people... 6.7 billion lives! Amazing! I fall in the little teal colored part of the chart below.

On the 59th day...

There's always something so confusing about realization without cognitive reflection. The funny thing in my experience is that though cognition is supposed to be void of or contrasted with emotional and volitional processes, somehow, it's the latter that brings that realization to the front.

I woke up in my own bed after 58 days abroad & without a thought to what, why or how, the feeling of nothingness enveloped me in it's not so warm embrace. I didn't link it to anything of the past but for my own sanity sake, as the day weaned on & the feeling grew, I said to myself 'Ah yes, it's back to school time, sigh... & I'm not ready!' I stayed with my theory, milking it to tears, literally... until that realization came crashing down on me.

For the last 58 days I was on auto-pilot. Warping my mind into a narrow view of 'follow & be' w/o bothering to worry about worrying. I pretended with such conviction that I didn't know I was pretending anymore, that tomorrow will never come if I keep living for the now. But each now became yesterday & tomorrow was here. Though the fear was gnawing at me silently, I tried to suppress it, w/o acknowledging that there was something to be suppressed.

On the 59th day... I realized that there is nothing here devoid of responsibility and pain & I had to shatter the walls around my mind to let in all the worrisome details of life. The compromises, the angers, the hurt, the expectation & limitations. I had to weigh back in all the love, accomplishments and above all, the hope! & by God that shattering & merging was painful! The tears finally no longer unaccounted for. But it was worth it!

I don't know what to say. But a part of me wants to stay. I don't know what to do. I want to be here with you

But you're not here

Merry Christmas

I know i'm a bit late, but I just wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! Seasons Greetings & enjoy the rest of 2007.

The Hurt - The Anger

Where does this rage come from?
Where does the need to hate the ones we love
come from?
Sometimes we just want to reach out & hold them in our arms
& strangle them slowly, watching them squirm & writhe in silent pain!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation instigated by the above piece of writing:

Friend says:
hmmmm
Interesting
sure that felt good to get it out huh?

Tunks says:
i felt really guilty reading it after
& guilty even writing it
but it did feel good getting it out

Friend says:
why....
u know i kinda realise sometimes we jus need to feel the anger...the hate..and den most of the times its sadness underneath it all
and we jus need to get it out

Tunks says:
YEP!
'in order to get over something, u need to get tro it first'
it applies to anger as well
sometimes I jus need to really feel it!, cuz if i pretend that im not, or out of guilt supress it, then it becomes just that... supressed
& almost ALWAYS, at the bottom of it all - is hurt
...hurt from being disappointed, feeling foolish, having expectations not met, feeling underminded or disrespected
once a feeling of anger arises - its almost always because of hurt
...even if u've hurt urself

Blue October

And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his sh*t and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive

This is a excerpt of lyrics from the song "Drilled A Wire Through My Cheek" - Blue October

Unbelievable

People fascinate me.
People's ability to be rude, mean, disrespectful & downright evil...
People's ability to become detached, uncaring, seemingly oblivious & unfazed...
People's ability to hurt another person intentionally without a pang of remorse...

Fascination doesn’t cut it at all. It actually worries me... & above all, it scares me!

Why do they do it?
HOW could they do it?
Why do people do these things just because they can?

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