And thus, here I am

I went home for one night this weekend and immediately thought "Why can't I just stay home and study until exams start!" ... home is soooooooo comfortable! All the carpet and beds and space and excellent wifi and unlimited food supply. I would also have peace and quiet since my house is big enough. Then there's woofie! I can hug him up all the time!

I woke up the next morning, haunted by memories of my Mom... memories triggered from just being at home, seeing everything, feeling her absence

The decision was then made for me. Though being in my apartment means fending for myself, scavenging for food, operating in a tiny space, dealing with the almost constant noise from my flat-mates (like at this very moment); it's ultimately the better alternative, since being at home will just be me... in tears.

No haunted mind is able to study for finals

My brain is like 'Fill In The Blanks'

It's been happening more than chance could explain. For the past few weeks, I keep finding myself stopping while speaking to find a word I was going to say. It's like my brain is on dial-up when it comes to sourcing stored information - something as simple as nouns! Simple words...I'm pausing in an awkward blank moment

My exam stress pattern

Studying for exams gets me stressed. I get stressed while studying for exams.
I'm finally realizing that my exam stress mode manifests in a number of ways:
I get moody... all sorts of moody.
Depressed, frustrated, despondent, hopeless
Then I get aggressive... all sorts of violent.
Angry, frustrated, murderous thoughts, destructive tendencies
I'm also very snappy
Lack of patience, lack of contact with people, lack of forbearance
I become needy
My sleeping suffers - either I can't sleep or I can't stay awake
I eat terribly - caffeine caffeine caffeine, snacks, junk, constant munching or no eating at all
I gain weight
I break down. I cry. I cry a lot.
I waste time. I procrastinate.
I start hating myself - a lot! I go through hours of regret and self berating.
Sick - I get really sick
Pain pain pain - RA flares, headaches, neck pain, fever, nausea, indigestion
Acceptance - I sometimes give up and give in.
Yet SOMEHOW, through all this... I manage to get work done and do marginally well
If I spent as much time studying as I did stressing, I would be a genius

Delinquent

So I heard from a friend, that a girl in my class (whom I don't know) thinks I'm a 'delinquent' because I'm always on (Facebook etc) on my laptop in class. She is right about the laptop thing, because I type all my notes, I don't write at all! She is also right about me being on Facebook etc since I have this inexplicable ability to never concentrate in a class (thank you ADD). But as my friend corrected her, I do have a 4.0 GPA (yes I admit it) and I'm pretty much topping most of my classes. So what concerns me is why am I so bummy about hearing that talk about me? It's a simple case of mistaken appearances but somehow, despite me knowing better, I still feel bad... it still bothers me. Sighs