4 days later

Things are getting harder. I'm having too many conflicting emotions. Anger, disappointment, resentment, fear, worry, agitation, frustration, sadness, deep sadness, loneliness, being deserted, overwhelmed, blank, volatile...
I don't know who to trust or hold onto anymore, I'm tempted to push everyone away... or well, you know me, more like... retract into myself and fall away instead. I'm so scared of doing that because at the same time I don't want to be alone... but I'm terrified of relying on anyone anymore, because it hurts too much to be let down. I hate being this vulnerable on the inside. I really miss her. I think I am going to go up to bed early tonight and finally cry.
On another note, I don't feel very well. Headache, joint flare, pain, nausea & general malaise... & you know how much fever makes me miserable. I find myself clenching & grinding my teeth sometimes to keep myself from breaking down... sometimes I hold my breath & try to swallow. Gosh, I know I will get through this, but it's just... really hard... & I know it's gonna get worst before it gets better. Guide me, please.
PS: It's 1 week since the ambulance took her to the hospital
PPS: I don't trust my own feelings right now so I don't trust my decisions to push ppl away *sighs*

I know you loved to check my blog

Dear Ma,

Your brothers are over right now, well 3 of them a.t.m & Adrian. They're playing all fours and uncle Johnny is making a huge pot of soup. It's not too bad right now... Their company is keeping me from missing you too much as yet. In all honesty though, it hasn't hit me yet. I remember you told me not to cry for me when you die and I told you that I will bawl down d place and then die after... and you told me no I won't. Well... I took myself by surprise, cuz I didn't cry. There were hundreds of ppl for the service & cremation... & I didn't cry. I was happy for you. Happy you can leave that body you were suffering in. I need to cry though... & I'm just delaying the inevitable. So far the only person I truly broke down in front off was Rao, your new favorite pseudo son hahahaha... As soon as he walked into the room, in just seconds, w/o saying a word... I started to cry. I'm having a hard time standing any of the other family/ppl around though... Your immediate family is fine & my chosen friends... but everyone else is just a blur or has me on the edge of tripping. But I'm holding it together for now... Please make sure that when I do fall apart, that you're there to keep the pieces from scattering too far & you can help me put it back together again.
Love always,
Your Shugs

PS: I'm sleeping with that Kaftan you came into d hospital with... the one they slit down to take off of you and I told u dat not to worry, u can wear it as a shirt lol ..... We washed it, so don't think I'm that gross. But I'm sleeping with it next to my pillow. 

I made Fat my friend

I just had this thought: If I was back to my original size... or generally a 'skinny b*tch' (yes, I got that from the book)... my life right now would probably have been considerably more complicated. I realize maybe people really do take comfort and solitude in fat. That people really do protect themselves and hide behind it. You see right... being overweight right now messes horribly with my self esteem... which would immediately make me put myself in the 'one of the boys' category in my own relations w the opposite sex.... and thus never have to deal with the self consciousness and demands of being a 'bess thing' that guys always checking out.

I can easily be good friends with so many guys now, and have relations run so smoothly, because there is no uncomfortable 'checking me out' scene... I am - One of the Guys -

But sooner or later, I will be back to my original size...Hmmm..... but least in the mean while I would have fostered some good friendships with a deeper foundation other than being 'bess'

Ok I gtg now, I left my subway toasting in the oven :)

The Smiths - Asleep

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

I real donno what's wrong with me. I'm making myself blog this.

Hmmm... I change my mind

In a nutshell, there is a cold sweaty weakness that takes over my body... makes it hard to swallow. A wave of it came over me so strong, that I ended up on bed. I was trapped in a state of sleep/wake ...and the only reason I got up was because I really needed to wee. I was drifting, literally drifting about all dizzy. The feeling reminds me of that most horrible experience I had after my surgery when I blacked out. It's like an after-shock...

Maybe I'm having phantom post-op sensations .... or maybe something really is wrong with me

I end this here because my limbs cannot type anymore

Someday I would be a flower...

I disappear

I'm listening to a few Hootie and The Blowfish songs right now - Thank you YouTube for making music so easily accessible and thank you 25mb internet connection for making songs load so easily.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out something about myself. Hmmm... I don't know why it is I want out so badly. Like... I was just waiting for a series of events to be over so I no longer have to be coasting the obligatory roles that accompany it. The immense freedom I feel now, is indescribable. But why should I want to be dis-involved? Hmmm it's almost like I can't trust that this is what I really want or if it's the m(s)adness talking. I'm really leaning towards the former though, and just questioning my intentions because ... well... my mom made out my scene. I really want to get away. Maybe it's because I know that I never really can. But my God it feels so good to just disappear from that whole scene.