The last poem

On the 9th of May 2004, I wrote this. This was the last poem I've writen, after a string of poetry over the last 8 years or so. A few days ago I wondered to myself why it is I stopped writing them... I think one reason was that after this one was writen, there was nothing else left in me to express exactly how I felt. To me, at the time, this poem was the most honest and representative piece of literature that there was...with respect to a seemingly endless period of my life. It all started when upon reflextion of a now forgotten conversation, the following line just popped into my head "Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception" ... The rest just poured out of me...and much to my surprise, it was the most rhyming poem I've ever written, even in it's emotional accuracy. I couldn't think of a name for it... but I one day just simply called it ... 'us'

Us

We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.

.............

Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......

Musical Baton

Created by and obtained from marlc

Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)

The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning

Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence

"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)

The Texture of Taste

Over the past few weeks, since I had a lot of time on my hands and due to the help of the side effects of steroids – I’ve become intensely aware of what goes in my mouth… food and drink wise. Back in the days, I remember trying to describe certain foods as ‘sleepy tasting’ … but that will make very little sense to the average person.

A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.

Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.

Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?

Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!

Geometric People

As a kid, I had always battled with getting the ‘hand me downs’ from my bigger brother, especially when it came to books and stationary. He had the miraculous ability to make a geometry set last him years, where as, if I had a choice, I would want to buy one every term either to replace lost pieces or to get a scratch free ‘angle measuring thingy’ or a pointer compass. I learnt how vital it was to have a good working set when I started CXC Geography, because map reading was not only tricky and demanding in precision, but was also one of my strongest points and the most fun part of Geography.

All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.

One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.

Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”

I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…

I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.

Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)

NOTICE

I HAVE RE-ENABLED COMMENTS... for those who emailed &/or inquired - Yes I had disabled commenting for a few days, but now it's back up - open and available :)

I got tagged - yikes!

Yes folks, I'm petrifed at the prospect of being honest and open to the likes of these questions but ... I have been (I think) This should pass some 'archive time' till we meet again :)

Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T

Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±

Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.

Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination

Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?

Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters

Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience

Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays

Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure

Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading

Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)

Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking

Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan

Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books

Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe

More than words

But the essence of compassion lies in how hard it is to be good. To forgive someone is to let him be free, even if he abuses that freedom beyond exasperation.

Deepak Chopra - Quantum Healing

Nude

Nudity ... don't we love it :)

This was done with a 2b pencil alone...possibly a mechanical, I can't remember.
The drawing itself was larger than what my scanner could accomadate, so her toes are chopped off unfortunatly :(
I never did after touch ups on this piece...so this is as it is when I dropped the pencil.