Last night I went to bed absolutely transformed from how I felt a few hours before.
I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.
I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.
It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.
It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.
And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.
I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.
I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.
It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.
It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.
And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.
17 comments:
wow girl you cud write!
Hey Tunks! I love your use of words. You have talent you kno. ;) You know you're too sweet to be goin through so much! Take it easy. Jus a few lines before i run out of time and buss out of work without leaving a comment.
Take care and have a great day!
(Stay sweet and good)
Sherlon.
As I said before you do have a great talent for the pen and for the mind.
And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.
This is something we fail to realize because we always fail to see the obvious. If we understand that statement we will appreciate life even more.
This blog is becoming my favorite spot on the net. I am sure you will always have something to say, because you never stop thinking and never stop feeling. Keep it up Tunks:)
What is the definition of having a life ass?
This is not a bashing board. Please, exercise some form of forbearance in your attempt to be civil.
I shouldn't have to be deleting ppl's comments.
forebearance?
and who the ass that call me a ass?
come come dude... come better than that
Forebare: To control one's self. Tolerance and restraint. Patience.
ayeee.. we all know 'ass' is d one who doh hav a life eh! :-)
Aight ppl's - No more bashing.
that last blog was pretty nice, and as i told tunks, exquisitely depressing, her abilities as a writer and a person can be truly profound, keep up the mindyumyums
Tans, this post you wrote touched me deeply. I truly can relate to a lot of what you said and are still thinking at present. All I can say is to not give up dreaming and hoping babe. You may not see it now, but all of these experiences are preparing you for something higher and more meaningful. Just remember i'm here for you always. Love ya
Tunks, attitude is everything, and you have the right one :)
Keep them coming babes
john mayer - "by the time i recognise this moment, this moment will be gone..."
the essence of which was captured in your piece.
stay strong.
Lovely song eh Yans...
Glad to see u onboard :)
Post a Comment