Disturbed

I can't not be bothered by this... There is a limit to the extent to which I can pretend that I am fully able to recognize, acknowledge, understand and deal with these clashing facets of my life, and an extent to which I really am able to fulfill the above. It seems as if now I can't differentiate between how much is real and how much is fabricated out of the mere yet insatiable desire for some sort of safety and comfort ... So much has plagued my mind lately, and I can credit myself to some extent for the stability which I managed to maintain and that is all good and well, yes ... but... I am somehow beginning to doubt the genuinity of my seemingly indifferent stantz...This I speak of is not a conscious effort at self denial but rather a subconscious aspect of the stubborn convictions driven by my the very innocence of heart which brought me to these crossroads in the first place.

With reference to a specific situation....

I'm left with so many questions which I know make little sense to actively contemplate, but which nonetheless, eats away at the core of my being...(cliché huh) ... I'd like to think that the reasons for which does not lie within the realms of my responsibility, but I ask myself, with a heaviness I can't describe... What is it that could make someone so intensely bitter? So blatantly mean? I ask this not only out of mere curiosity of the extent of such a human emotion or attitude, but rather from a non-escapable personal connection to the contrast to which this transformation once began and soon engulfed.

The negativity which has been pent up rather than reciprocated is slowly being gnawed on by pity and pain. I cannot admit to being able to or even wanting to allow these latter emotions to overpower that which is being directed at me ... yet , it worries me that maybe, just maybe, that innocence of heart aforementioned, will leave me with little choice but to succumb to the 'real me' under this facade of justifiable denial and chosen ignorance of that which is clearly unhealthy and downright wrong...however... it horrifies me even more that I may not... may not succumb to the nice girl 'weakness' of allowing the benefit of the doubt, assuming responsibility and accepting blame but... turn into the very thing which I question - An intensely bitter, unforgiving, saddened soul.

... here I find myself steering into and out of my mind, at that which is real and that which I can only hope to be ... or honestly believe in. I have thankfully not sacrificed my indebt goodness nor have I let go of hope which makes or breaks me at the end of the day. I am begging my heart to give my mind the luxury of believing in the good of this person...that good which has not manifested itself in any way to which I can base such a conviction, but the good in which my surrealistic point of view has merged through a combination of somewhat blind hopefulness and an undercurrent of developing fear at the very existence of the situation before me.........

With that said and done... I'll take my leave...knowing, that.... things haven't changed miraculously just because I decided to express it.

Adios!