Real suffering

I'm just lying here, listening to my body and feeling every ounce of pain. It's not just the pain associated with moving or not being able to move, but I'm just lying still as ever and feeling this strong, relentless pain travel through my leg - up and down, radiating and wrapping around.

It's just amazing. Truly, I am amazed! Amazed at how much pain the body can create and feel. How horrible it feels. How little control we have over it sometimes. Like right now... I'm on all the meds I can safely take (and legally - though that might change) ... and yet I'm on a 8/10 pain scale while lying still, and would surely shoot up to a 9.5/10 if I try moving. That's when my heart rate goes up way pass the 100bpm it's already at and my head goes dizzy, I see lights dancing around my vision and the sounds of pain escape me.

This has been my week. Every day. No relief.

0 - 100 in 30 flat

It's the middle of March and I'm blogging for the first time for the year really...
Today, I went to see a new doctor who deals with gut issues.
What I needed most was really a sedative because I left there so incredibly stressed that I broke into tears at a traffic light while driving in a daze. Then my neck started hurting so terribly and before you know it, I've a full blown migraine. All this in the space of 30 minutes.
I am still in awe at how instantaneously my body reacted to the perils of my mind...
Also, I really hate RA. It's killing me

Why do I let myself suffer for so long?

I'm constantly in pain, and it's only getting worse. I'm losing my ability to do more and more things each day... Need to do treatment...

Trauma comes in small doses

He lay sleeping next to me but I couldn't sleep any more...
I woke with a flare
I quietly (or at least I tried) came off the bed to get a prednislone tablet
But then this happened...
I could not open the door. It was not locked or jammed. I just could not grip the knob. Could not turn it. My hands were flared that badly.
I stood there in slight panic, peeking at him as he slept, dying a little inside at the idea of having to wake him to open a door for me ....