Brick Lane

I quote from the book i'm reading 'Brick Lane - Monica Ali'

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,' Chanu went on. 'But what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older,' said Chanu, 'is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

Makes me wonder if I really want what I want and if I really choose what I did. Maybe I like the uncertainty...

Umhmm

Pain grows to burn Lessons concerned

Whats up?

Read my Ode To May

Whats been up lately Tunks?

May 8th - Celebrated my tweanteenth birthday
May 13th - Had my big Birthday Satsangh/Thanksgiving
May 14th - Mothers day pool party

Its been a good couple weeks. Hectic and sleepless, but good.

Any advice for Insomniacs?

Shhh

When lips don't move but words are spoken,
Closed eyes tremble from internal violence.
A mind and heart whose link is broken,
The strongest emotions are expressed in silence.....

(I didn't write this, but I know it...)

April Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of April

04-08-2006 - Minority Report
04-02-2006 - The Butterfly Effect

*Really liked The Butterfly Effect

Nine Precious Gifts

Lovely words....worth reading and giving. Enjoy - Tunks

In the economy of the heart these presents are priceless. This simple checklist can help measure how you are nurturing your relationships.

The Gift of Listening

The best gift you can give anyone is to listen to really listen.
Do not interrupt, do not daydream and most important do not plan your response. Just listen.

The Gift of a Smile

Besides making you look beautiful, a smile is contagious and helps to spread happiness.

The Gift of Laughter

Enjoy your moments together. Share articles and funny stories.
Clip cartoons. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

The Gift of Solitude

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

The Gift of Service

Everyday, go out of your way to do something kind for someone.
......it could also be a stranger.

The Gift of a Written Note

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime.

The Gift of a Compliment

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone.
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

The Gift of Affection

Be generous with your smiles, hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds as appropriate. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for your family and friends.

The Gift of Prayer

The most precious gift of all! Never fails to work!

To know

Have you ever been shocked by the realization that someone really knows a part of who you are... and you never even knew they did?

I was. That’s the start of this entry idea. This happened a few days ago and culminated in the other extreme, the opposite scenario. I was struck by the reality of someone really not knowing me, though they would like to believe they do, and I have tried soo hard to wish was true.

It's hard still to come to terms with knowing now that that essence of who I am, really am, seeped into the package of knowledge that some people believe they know about me...not just some people, but those folk who were only privy to a short burst of my life. And not the person who's assumed the authority over my 'being' for years on end.

The former is amazingly refreshing and puts a lot of things into perspective...while the other just leaves me somewhat sad and disappointed, not in the person, but in myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe... they would change to fit the truth into what I've brainwashed myself into hoping, and they into thinking that they did. I thought to myself...'How could you not know me...after so long?'...'How could you say that? …knowing...or do you?’ Could it really be ignorance...or cruelty?

Anyways I got this thought in my inbox today and regretting having not read it earlier.... I just wanna share this with you all.

"The light is our only trustworthy guide. This is why, before making an important decision, you must concentrate for a few minutes on the world of light and ask what course you should follow. The reply will come in the form of thoughts, feelings, sensations or symbols. If the response is clear, you can go ahead. But if you feel apprehensive, confused or uncertain, it is because obstacles and hostile currents are barring the way. In this case, postpone your decision; ask the question again and do not act until the road ahead is free and clear. The heart and mind are like screens, on which beings from the invisible world, the spirits of wisdom, project replies to your questions. Instead of carrying out your own plans at any price, ask the divine world whether it has intentions and plans that are more suitable for you, and listen carefully to its response."

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

Take a ride with me

I know I've always had odd little quirks and interests, most of which I dared not express farless try to actually explain to others.

Dipping the headlights. Flashing someone. I find this incredibly sexy. Yes yes I know, I used the word sexy! Say we're driving down the road and reach the itnersection to turn off, we would slow down, put on the indicator and wait. When an approaching car, seeing our need, flashes its headlights indicating that we are free to turn before them... I feel a sudden rush of pleasure! I can't quite describe it. It's something of a power play... the joining of 2 people in unspoken conversation and understanding. One submitting to the other, yet at the same time taking the upper hand in giving permission...I just find it amazing and... sexy ;)

Here's another example. We're speeding down the highway like most Trini's do. We notice that some of the approaching cars on the opposite lane has their headlights on...immediatly we know we should slow down since somewhere higher up on our side of the road, the police is timing. Again, I can't help but smile when this happens. Ramdom folks, going about their lives decide to take a moment to think about their fellow brothers and sisters behind the wheel. We're all partners in crime... ganging up against the quest of the police. We share that moment, exchange information and concern...and continue on our way. Beautiful huh?

These same people and their same headlights can be a source of extreme annoyance when they refuse to dip their lights coming down the road on a dark night. Hmmm... but I'd prefere that to a blaring horn anyday.

Hip Hip! Horray!!!

It's that time again folks... time for all the Aries to rejoice and celebrate another year added to their lives or their ability to stay '26 or 32' forever.

Time to re-read this entry! This one's for you bro!
Happy 23rd Birthday!

To Adele - Happy twenteenth Birthday! It's exacty 2 years since the day we really met and hung out. Though you're far away from our sunny twin islands, you're always in my thoughts and heart. I miss you! come back home soon :)

Happy Belated birthday to Daddy!!!

March Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of March

03-24-2006 - Final Destination 3
03-22-2006 - X2: X-Men United *
03-21-2006 - X-Men *
03-18-2006 - Stewie Griffen - the untold story *
03-17-2006 - Sky High
03-11-2006 - Sleepover
03-11-2006 - The Prince and I
03-11-2006 - The Parent Trap
03-11-2006 - Dude, where's the party?
03-10-2006 - Pride and Prejudice
03-04-2006 - A lot like Love *
03-01-2006 - Gharam Masalla
03-01-2006 - Interview with a Vampire *

Yes, I'm actually angry

How can people be so utterly inconsiderate and live with themselves?
I called Mt. Hope's Immunology Department to make an appointment to which I already had a referral. In all my life I've never had a receptionist speak to me like that...not just me, but my father also. I was so incredibly upset and bordering on angry at this woman's stuck record and absolute refusal to say anything but 'bring in your referral and make an appointment' (in a very rude and condescending tone) I couldn't get a ****ing word in. Maybe if she would shut the **** up and listen I would have been able to ask if patience with mobility problems will be able to access the doctors office easily of if I should bring a ****ing wheelchair! By the time she hung up on me (yes she ****ing hung up on me!,) I just broke into tears feeling utterly frustrated and humiliated like a kid being scolded by a teacher infront the entire class.

I'm so angry and hurt right now. I can't remember the last time anyone spoke to me like that. Not many people can tick me off like that... Kudos to her! ****ing biatch!

Again?!

Hi everyone. Here is an exerpt from a entry made about 3 years ago:

Sunday, March 23, 2003

NOTICE
My phone lines are dead! Yes we can all take some time out of our daily routine and Cuss TSTT! OR @ least laugh @ them or something! So Do that now! .... goooooddd!

3 years later, it happens again. Exact same timing.

Bang!

Everytime I see the Blimp, I instinctly wanna shoot it down, or pelt it down, or maybe create a huge fly swatting thingy and crush it into the ground .... hmmm

And I'm just a nice 19 yo girl with no criminal record, living in a decent residential area and an ex student of a prestigious all girls Catholic school.

It makes me wonder what the criminals think.

Part II

Part II of '...and so the night ends'

Obsessed

Did you know that I am the cause of your misery?
I control that which you don't even understand about yourself
My will is sunk so deep, my results only you reap
and you will never know to hold, I suffer two-fold myself.

It's self injury my friend, self help, self pleasure
Something that will forever be shrouded by a clouded vision
A hand to guide the unknown, it's intentions never to be shown
and a plea of pain and love to which you'll never listen

10.03.06 - Tunks

...and so the night ends

...and so the night ends
grabbing and pulling at a new dawn
another cycle of thoughts and projections
and silence tearing through my own peace
grinding harder until all edges are worn

I may as well light a candle in your name
watching it burn and bleed
and fall to the ground to instantly conform
But these thoughts will grip and lure
manipulating your wants 'till you need!

...and so the night ends

09.03.06 - Tunks

February Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of February

02-25-2006 - Hostle
02-25-2006 - Wolf Creek
02-20-2006 - Constantine *
02-19-2006 - Saw II
02-18-2006 - Constantine
02-18-2006 - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galexy *
02-18-2006 - Secretary *
02-17-2006 - Napolen Dynamite
02-16-2006 - Waiting *
02-16-2006 - Runaway Jury *
02-16-2006 - Without a Paddle
02-11-2006 - Salam Namaste *
02-11-2006 - Saved
02-04-2006 - Eloise
02-02-2006 - Cellular
02-01-2006 - Chasing Liberty

* My picks (Yes I looked @ Constantine twice. Loved that movie!)

Huh?

I was lying on bed around 1pm after my midday siesta still contemplating if I should get up or just roll over and enjoy the peaceful laziness.

For a split second, everything goes pitch black! and in that brief moment I really and truly panicked.

Then I realized that I had just blinked. whew.

Now is it just me, or was my reaction just very weird?

Itchy scratchy

I came up with the idea, that an ideal way to tourture a man is to give him some sort of itching skin irritation that affects his whole body, and lock him up in hot room to scratch himself crazy.

I've gotten some kinda itching allergic reaction to my meds most likely... I feel like a junkie who's well behind his boost up time. I think I'm slowly scratching my sanity away...

My Sweet Teaser

It was around 7pm and I was well on my way to the swimming pool for my nightly dip. The glass was down, radio on not too loud and the crisp cold wind was having a field day dancing in and out my car windows. I stared out into the night, took a long deep breath and a faint sweet scent teased my senses. Ummm...so familiar, yet more real than a mere memory. We were passing through a long stretch of cane fields - ah yes! The sweet smell of burning cane...that sweet smokey teaser. I remember actually thinking with a smile, how much I love living here - in Trinidad.

As I reached the pool and was parking, from the corner of my eye I saw what looked like tiny threads falling from the sky. The funny thing is, the first thought that popped into my head was that some dog was shedding hair hahaha... but that of course didn't make sense 'cuz it was after all falling from the sky. I then thought it was angel dust. Lord alone knows why I thought that one. I said out loud - 'This is Snow in Trinidad' ... and my gosh was it a sight! Black snow, grey snow, white snow...just falling and falling. In all my life I had never seen so much at once.

I waded around, enjoying the marvel of 'my snow' until it dawned on me that I was freezing. Definitely time to come out the pool - night time dips tend to suck the warmth out of you. The pool itself was quite a spectacle by then with enough fallen ash to almost cover the entire floor. Hey, I was just visiting - I couldn't help but be amazed, but I surely feel sorry for the person who had to clean up all that mess. Nonetheless, cane season - another reason why I love sweet T&T.

January Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of January

01-31-06 - The Transporter 2
01-29-06 - Fun with Dick and Jane *
01-28-06 - Beverly Hillberlies
01-27-06 - Spiderman
01-27-06 - B-13 *
01-20-06 - The Perfect Score
01-20-06 - The Princess Diaries 2
01-19-06 - Serenity
01-17-06 - The Pacifier
01-16-06 - Love Actually *
01-15-06 - Underworld
01-15-06 - Alladin
01-14-06 - Cheaper by the Dozen
01-14-06 - Chicken Little
01-12-06 - Wembeldon *
01-11-06 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle
01-09-06 - Finding Neverland *
01-09-06 - Sleeping Beauty
01-08-06 - Amanda
01-07-06 - Sin City *
01-07-06 - Selling Innocence
01-07-06 - The Beutician and the Beast

* My picks

Rain on silence

Its a bit chilly and its raining. I went to bed around 3:30am and it was raining and I wake up 7 hours later and its still raining. It's a near constant drizzle. There's no one home but myself, a fish and my doggie 'ginger'. Even the workmen working on the 'house to be' next door didn't show up today. Living in a residential area such as this one really teaches me the meaning of silence... it also makes having fairly decent speakers and a subwoffer a nice addition; I get a constant foot massage with that bass.

Since I've somehow gotten me Gastro, I haven't eaten since Sunday yet i'm still not hungry. It's amzing how filling crix, coke and coconut water can be. I think I can handle me some clear soup this evening. Hmmm... just the thought of a nice bowl of hot soup is almost making me hungry, but my mouth just feels numb and tired. My stomach will tell another story too.

The rain is pouring now. I'm looking out the door and I'm not sure if the leaves are still enjoying the shower or if they're crying. I know I won't want to be out in the rain for all these hours.

Why Mr. Lizard?

I walked into my bathroom a few days ago, and out of the corner of my eye I saw sudden movement. There on the wall, a lizard was dashing across in sheer panic and when it reached the 90 degree joint between that wall and the next, the lizard literally leapt off the wall and flew to the next side. Just as quickly, he scrambled out of the nearest window: all this in about 3 seconds. I just stood there watching the memory of what had just happened in my mind, and I couldn't help but wonder why is it the lizard got so scared. Did he have a bad experience with another human before? Or was it just instinct to get far far away from anything that's higher up the food chain? I don't know. I felt sorry for him. I hope he didn't damage himself in all the haste. I was ashamed to think he was afraid of me. Then I kind of felt sorry for myself too, because it was then I realized that I wished he would stay...so I can stare at him...maybe we could have become friends. Oh well...

I'm snuggled in the middle

I really should do something about blogger's procrastination. Not a day has gone by since my last post, where I haven't thought about my next entry. I've jotted down ideas, opening statements, themes and even written entire stories...all in my head. Its pretty sad and funny at the same time.

How has the year been so far for you? For some it may have meant new beginnings, broken habits, resurrected hopes and of course the many of you who sees this as yet another year of more stress at work, school or home. But hey, who are we to judge? Bills got to be paid, exams written and relationships tended to. Its the beat of the life we all know and love.

It dawned on me, that these past couple weeks have been defined by one word. A word which I've very rarely used in my vocabulary with respect to anything that has to do with my life. A word that is subtly needed or desired by most, even myself, yet I've done nothing actively to achieve the results. This new word, this new experience my friends...I call Balance! I woke up one morning to realize that for once in my life, I'm balancing perfectly in the center of my own spectrum. No more epitomizing lengths and intensities. No more drastic patterns, fluctuating or volatile. I'm just enjoying a delicate balance between quiet, peaceful, personal time and meeting, greeting and entertaining visiting friends and family. A balance between watching too much TV and reading too many books. A balance between my thoughts sprinting down a healthy or spiritual path, and wading in the gutters of alluring vices and fantasies. Even my sleep pattern is just right. I was never one to boast a balance or acquiesce to normality. I enjoyed walking the fine line and testing my limits. My life has always been categorized by intense yet clashing patterns. But I am liking this....or really appreciating it. It's not going to last, I know, and maybe I'll mourn the shift in equilibrium or not... but for now I'm going with the flow and for once it's a flow that I've created.

Another beautiful experience in the book of Tunks :)

The Beginning: Words Unspoken

I am starting the archives of 2006, by doing something long overdue. Here before you are the words that started it all. My blog title 'Words Unspoken' is actually that of a poem I wrote 5 years ago. The collection is called 'Words Unspoken: Memories of a lifetime'. Original and unedited ...

WORDS UNSPOKEN

Dawn,
Once again I watch as the sun creeps over the horizon
Showering the earth with it's life
Overcome with that familiar feeling, I sigh.
It stretches its hands to embrace all
Yet, I resent its pretence

Love,
Yet another realization...
I can't erase, can't forget
I feel the hands of despair grip tightly
How will I ever break free?
Yet without you I have no existence
You are the air I breathe,
The blood that circulates throughout me.

Broken,
Hard and fast I fall,
Back into reality's cold and barren embrace.
The tear is hot and with one quick swoop
It falls...
Searing the skin beneath that only guided its way.
I wonder why.

Hurt,
I can never see what's right
A stolen glance,
Overrated? Never !
Merely taken for granted.
Isn't love supposed to hurt?

Never,
The unspoken words,
mutual understanding ,
I can't understand
Appreciation is the key
The present only
the rest,
A mere memory.

Life,
And so, this thing we call life,
continues on...
An endless, uphill battle
Just what are we fighting for?
We reach the top
To fall down the other side
Yet we stand

Words,
Two lives merged, heart and soul
Torn apart by sounds and words
The movement of lips
That oh so powerful force,
ruling over, always.

Regret ,
Unavoidable!
They say it helps to evolve.
But denial can't fall
Memories, the secrets held close in the night,
come to life,
Sprung on me with undying force.

Call,
I call out to you ,
Only to suffocate in disappointment,
The torture of that echo.
The hollow, empty sound of a voice,
A voice that remains unanswered...
A heart left to bleed.

Fight,
I'm alone again
Fighting for the chance to survive;
Fighting for the chance to be heard
Again, this once content being's heart,
Beats alone...

Defeat,
Crippled with grief, I crawl ,
Into the shadows.
The only sound...
The beating of my heart.
It's defeating! Make it stop !
Please, make it stop!

Crushed,
Sadness and frustration
Drowning me with a fierce tug
Pulling me down
beneath the lonely waters.

Hands,
Mystical,
I turn, pulls me free
I breath, I smile
It's been a long time
I cry, just joy
Tears of happiness

Dusk,
Realization overcomes again
The sun leaves me alone
My moment's over
I feel the emotion
I can't pull away

Fall,
Into to the night
Unconscious thoughts
Keeps me alive
Another day to come
Another heart to bleed
A soul to heal
Why?

Yet life goes on

Hello Tomorrow :)

It’s the end of 2005 according to the Christian Calendar. Last night I sat wondering ‘What year is it really? How old are we?' The human race started long before the birth of Christ…and sometimes I think we forget that. But putting that aside, we are indeed entering a new year; if not literally, then definitely on a global symbolic level.

Last year I was somewhat disappointed and equally amazed at the steady, non-epiphanic merging of 2004 to 2005. It was the sort of calm and nonchalance, that only now upon reflection, epitomizes ‘the calm before the storm’, for there was no way for me to know then, that this year gone by, was going to be the most difficult and trying period of my life. No words can justify that reality.

Yet I am thankful. And for the pain and hardship – I love life. I love life even more now than I thought I could. I just love. And always would.

I am taking this opportunity to thank everyone…and I mean everyone who passed through my life: those that are still here and those who are no longer with me. I also ask for forgiveness if I need be forgiven. I wish you all the best. God Bless us all.

Welcome 2006 :)

Lord Krishna

I Love this picture. It's just so beautiful!

Cushion the blow of Disappointment

Disappointments are part and parcel of life. In this circus of existence, you cannot have your way all the time. Things change; people change. Events and results have an unpredictable and uncontrollable way of happening. To keep yourself from being utterly frustrated and dismayed, here are some things to avoid or at least soften the pangs of great disappointment:

1. Expect the best but be ready for the worst.
When you work hard on something, it's natural to expect the best results. And the most glorious rewards. But sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to. To keep from being dreadfully dismayed, expect the best, but at the same time, psyche yourself up for the worst. Then you'll be ready for any unexpected turn of events!

2. Give it your best shot.
Much of the frustration that follows a failure is the big disappointment you feel towards yourself. When you do not try hard enough, you are overcome with guilt and regret. In whatever you are doing, do your best, give it your best shot. Then youll know you did all you can and you should be proud for trying.

3. Realize that you cannot own people.
We often expect people to act or be a certain way that would be congruous to how we want them to be. Realize that you do not and can not own people. Each person has his own mind and the natural right to free will. Give others the gift of space and freedom. Remember that when you lose someone, whatever you were expecting was not meant to be.

4. Realize that we are just temporary stewards of things.
When you lose material things, whether they are stolen from you or gutted down by a fire, minimize your grief by realizing that we are just temporary keepers of what we own. They will finally find their way to where they were destined to be. Besides, when you finally go, you cannot take a single thing with you.

5. Never expect anything back.
People get bitterly disappointed when they don't get back what they give to others. People always expect (some even demand!) repayment. This is a major cause of extreme frustration. When you help someone (especially financially) do not expect anything back. Think of it as a gift of love that's given freely and completely with no strings attached.

6 . Don't pin your life on one person.
You would be doing yourself a great injustice if you pinned your life on one person. No one person should take control, importance or dominance over your existence. People come and go in our lives. If you depend too much on someone, you will feel so shattered, helpless and hopeless if you lose him. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet. And live your own dreams, not other people's.

7. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
To avoid disappointment from losing anything, don't put all your eggs in one basket. It's a good practice to have more than one project happening so that when one fails, you have others to look forward to. Regarding financial investment, it is wise to diversify. The more things you have going, the less the chance of losing it all.

8. Realize that success is a combination of many factors.
You do not have full control over the outcome of things. Even with all the necessary preparations and precautions, things may end up differently from how you want them to. There are many factors and variables that determine how something or an event will turn out. And that includes the weather!

9. Realize that you will always get another chance.
If you don't succeed now, there will always be another time. Tell yourself that maybe it just isn't the right time yet for what you desire. Keep in mind that you will always get another chance to get a crack at it. Never lose hope. Hope springs eternal.

10. Realize that without defeat, victory won't be as sweet.
You have to feel the bitterness of failure to be able to savor the sweetness of success. Failures make you strong and powerful. Use them as a challenge for more determination to go after your dreams next time. Analyze why you failed and learn from your mistakes.

11. Realize that the universe has its own divine plan.
Yes indeed, the universe has a divine design. It has its own unchangeable, unique plan which may be very different from yours. You may not understand it at all for now, but it is something you have to force yourself to live with. Going against the current will just frustrate you. Do what the Zen masters preach: Go with the flow!

12. When things turn out awry, it's not the end of the world.
The world will not end just because something did not turn out the way you expected it to. It will keep on turning even if you cried a bathtub of tears in your own little dark corner. So dry your eyes and erase those disappointments. Hey, Friends! flash on a smile! Tomorrow is another day.

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

~ Mother Teresa

This entry was curtesy another email I recieved that I was just compelled to share. I hope it inspires you, as it did me.

I'm a Tree

You have probably gotten this fwd before, but I will share it nontheless.

Click to find out: What kind of tree are you?

I'm the Poplar Tree:

Poplar - The Uncertainty
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.

Forgive

We must forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential in everyone's life - know it or not.
To be unforgiving is to self-destruct.
Yet it sometimes seems the most difficult thing to do.

Forgiveness can be misunderstood to fuel a form of ego... for one to say 'I forgive you' means that person takes an approach of superiority - meaning they have the power in them to forgive another's misdeeds and wrong doings. Possibly the only 'wrong' that was done was your own perceptions and expectations of what/who the other person should be.

I realize that to truly forgive someone, means that that person doesn't even need your forgiveness.
To forgive someone means you can think of them, and know that they are just fine and okie. There is nothing terribly wrong with them. They are happy. And you are okie with that.

Having forgiven someone, you know that they are okie and so are you.

PS: My entry this day One year ago - Disturbed

I need me those words!

The cuke said:

Ever see a line - lyrics,etc. - and think,
"Damn. I gotta have that."
Like you can actually go out, buy and acquire some string of words

I admit I have fallen prey to that piece of irrationality. One such lyrical lure is as follows:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)

I've known the thought daggers that threaten to slowly bleed me dry... if I didn't put them into their worded brothers.