It's a new year nonetheless

Hello everyone

I had typed out a wonderful entry, draining me of all my mental and emotional faculties - and then I paused a moment to take a phone call.........

I come back to find my PC has been SHUT DOWN! My pages closed and entries lost! Those labouring moments, wrecking my heart and brain....all in vain

Oh mother dearest - how u know not the great pain you've caused me!

Sigh.......

Well... Happy New Year 2005

Christmas says hello

It's after 12am ---> 25th December 2004

Christmas Greetings to one and all

"...Let's hope it's a good one, without any tears..." - Classic line from a Classic song (yay for John Lennon), but I personally dedicate it to myself ...considering the trend over the past few years...

Christmas day - ... Let's see what today brings

And again - Merry Christmas!

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?

And so the story goes...

Here I am, sitting in a not so cold computer lab, on this my last day on campus before being sent home to the loving arms of Christmas vacation...and in saying so, I am not quite sure to what extent sarcasam tinges that statement... but I'm sure it does.

What am I going back to?

In attempting to answer that question, I was forced to stop and take stock of how far away I've drifted from all that I've known and previously associted my life with...

I remember an entry I once made on my now dead website - I find this an ideal time to quote:

"Time passes in moments. Moments which, rushing past us, define the path of a life even as they fix upon its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path. To see the reasons why all things happen. To consider whether the path we have taken is of our own making, or simply one into which we've drifted with eyes closed. But what if we were to stop? To take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we see the endless forks in the roads that shape our lives? And… seeing the choices we've made… choose another path."

I'm afriad.... of facing what I've left behind, having not, in any way, set an atmosphere condusive to the change of attitude and circumstances....It seems that there is and maybe always will be a downside to the shedding of ignorance... Now I crave the capability to abuse knowledge... abuse to such an extent that I can somehow ride on a wave, so high, that I am unaffected by all that I know better off and all that I can so naturally deny.

I linger yet again in the doorway of another time in life... I stand here and question. I question myself. I question my motives. I question others. I question this. I question change and the autenticity of it. I question you.

But then... I know that at the end of the day, time itself will make the doors of entry nonexsistant ... and I shall drift on like any other.

I know... do you?

Hi

Here is another burst of unedited, unplanned rantings on yet another night, well wasted on campus grounds. It's approaching midnight and I seriously question why on God's name I'm still here... Good question huh. NO form of artificial whitewashing in some lame attempt to brainwash myself into thinking that this exterior hype will override this slowly developing panic, will indeed work to accomplish this conscious yet denied effort of mine. YET, it does to some extent alleviate the external reminders of all the many loved and otherwise third parties who somehow always seem to question my attempts.

Amazing what a smile can accomplish

Time always reveals in the lonely light of Morning

"We tried to wash our hands of all of this, we never talk of our lack in relationships, and how we're guilt strickin sobbing with our heads on the floor, we fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say, I can't be held responsible..."

2 hours later

Its 5:30am

I am now to experience my first dawn on campus... I'll watch the raising sun...

This I feel...a calmness - lost in a realm of total awareness, yet protected -A total contast to ... and I'm in no way exaggerating this, but a TOTAL contast to my emotional state all night.

I jump to extrems again

*tat tat tat*

Disturbed

I can't not be bothered by this... There is a limit to the extent to which I can pretend that I am fully able to recognize, acknowledge, understand and deal with these clashing facets of my life, and an extent to which I really am able to fulfill the above. It seems as if now I can't differentiate between how much is real and how much is fabricated out of the mere yet insatiable desire for some sort of safety and comfort ... So much has plagued my mind lately, and I can credit myself to some extent for the stability which I managed to maintain and that is all good and well, yes ... but... I am somehow beginning to doubt the genuinity of my seemingly indifferent stantz...This I speak of is not a conscious effort at self denial but rather a subconscious aspect of the stubborn convictions driven by my the very innocence of heart which brought me to these crossroads in the first place.

With reference to a specific situation....

I'm left with so many questions which I know make little sense to actively contemplate, but which nonetheless, eats away at the core of my being...(cliché huh) ... I'd like to think that the reasons for which does not lie within the realms of my responsibility, but I ask myself, with a heaviness I can't describe... What is it that could make someone so intensely bitter? So blatantly mean? I ask this not only out of mere curiosity of the extent of such a human emotion or attitude, but rather from a non-escapable personal connection to the contrast to which this transformation once began and soon engulfed.

The negativity which has been pent up rather than reciprocated is slowly being gnawed on by pity and pain. I cannot admit to being able to or even wanting to allow these latter emotions to overpower that which is being directed at me ... yet , it worries me that maybe, just maybe, that innocence of heart aforementioned, will leave me with little choice but to succumb to the 'real me' under this facade of justifiable denial and chosen ignorance of that which is clearly unhealthy and downright wrong...however... it horrifies me even more that I may not... may not succumb to the nice girl 'weakness' of allowing the benefit of the doubt, assuming responsibility and accepting blame but... turn into the very thing which I question - An intensely bitter, unforgiving, saddened soul.

... here I find myself steering into and out of my mind, at that which is real and that which I can only hope to be ... or honestly believe in. I have thankfully not sacrificed my indebt goodness nor have I let go of hope which makes or breaks me at the end of the day. I am begging my heart to give my mind the luxury of believing in the good of this person...that good which has not manifested itself in any way to which I can base such a conviction, but the good in which my surrealistic point of view has merged through a combination of somewhat blind hopefulness and an undercurrent of developing fear at the very existence of the situation before me.........

With that said and done... I'll take my leave...knowing, that.... things haven't changed miraculously just because I decided to express it.

Adios!