Do one thing everyday that scares you

Yesterday I posted:

It's pouring rain...the wrong-side kinda rain that makes you either disoriented or peacefully lost.

Today I post:

I'm afraid of him
Admitting it is the first step.
I just wanna reach the end where I'm not afriad and don't care anymore.
Fear really messes up the decision making process.

But as Bas Luhrman said: Dont worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum....

And ofcourse ...Do one thing everyday that scares you...

I'm gonna have to take his advice... for my own sake.

Lose Control

Mary had a lamb
his eyes black as coal
if we play very quiet, my lamb
Mary never has to know...

- Evanescence

Let's step outside for a moment

I could step outside myself and sometimes things could look so simple. The world suddenly becomes black and white again and all my shades of grey were just self imposed by-products of circumstantial perception. If I look at the tube long enough, or sit behind a book long enough or even skip through the meadows of my mind long enough, everything will slowly but surely just become so very simple.

I can be so reckless with perfect reason, and that is, because there is none. But 'can' is just a word of possibilities...

Which is our reality? and where does my sanity lie...?

The Answer...

I find myself in conflict when having to answer certain simple everyday questions.

Question: So you like going out? Like the outdoors?

Answer: hmmm (big pause...and so this entry begins)

How do I answer? What do I base my answer on?
Do I love being indoors or do I love being indoors because I have to be?

My mind tries to differentiate between my lifestyle and desires. They're aren't exactly in sync. So I try to remember... I look back to the days when I wasn't ill...or I try to imagine how things will be now if I wasn't... and then my answer changes. I love being outside...I love rolling in the grass and running around and climbing trees and walking aimlessly looking at and observing everything. I love just sitting outside sprawled on the ground with a book or a pad and pencil. I love going for jogs and riding a bicycle around. I love going to meet people and see places. I love the outdoors ... I just don't do any of the above. Not anymore... not as yet...

It seems as if I make the life I have to live, the life I want to live...

My answer ends there, but the desire goes on....

Who turned on the light?

I decided to go to bed earlier than usual last night...that being before 3am preferably. I came offline by 1am and after reading a bit I took off the bed lamb, covered with my blanket and was asleep shortly after 2am. About an hour later I become aware... not of anything really, just the fact that I was aware. I was cold... shivering. I was still wrapped from chin to toe in my blanket yet I was shivering. My skin was super sensitive... it hurt just to feel. It was like having a high fever. I was aware of all this... and began twisting and turning wrapping myself more into a fetal position, clenching my pillows...anything to not feel so cold and sensitive. I remember turning from side to side, moaning even, but not being able to awake. I was fighting now to open my eyes but I was still trapped in that semi conscious state. The last thing I remember was me tossing and turning with the blanket wrapped around me, then just blank! Nothing. The perfect equivalent to deep sleep. And as if no time had passed, or maybe an eternity, I woke up with a sensation of rising out of water and finally being able to breath. There was an overwhelming bright light keeping me from opening my eyes, but when I did, I realized it was my bed head florescent lamp, on, and shining directly on me, inches away. I reached above and turned it off and rolled over. There I found my blanket tossed to the side, albeit neatly, perfectly stretched out from the head to the foot of the bed in a rippled fold. I reached over to my cell phone, put it on and saw that it was now 6:20am. How did the light come on? when? who? I knew I took it off, I remember taking it off. All these questions raced through my mind, all colliding with each other in a blurry mess appropriate for the state of thinking upon waking. I felt as if I had jus woken from medicated sleep. The kind where you dream nothing and remember nothing. I sat on the edge of the bed and unconsciously moved my hand to an itch on my knee. Looking down, I noticed there was a little scrape, a bump and some dried blood. Then a flash of a similar incident came to me...maybe from last night, maybe from night before... but I remembered waking in the middle of the night scratching an itch thinking it was a mosquito bite. It was raised in a most peculiar fashion but the seduction of sleep was more than enough for me to succumb to a non-thinking state again. Shaking the image, I got up, went to the bathroom, walked back to bed looking at the lamp in wonder once again, and just went back to sleep...for 7 more hours.

I'm still here

People come in and out of your life. Some just to help you with a problem or put you on the right path...some to teach you some life lessons through inevitable hurt and dissapointment and then there are others who will be there for you during that hurt and happy times. As it goes, people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do. I've 'lost' people... and somehow it feels okie. I've been lost to people as well...and I can only hope it's okie with them. Is it enough to hold on for a lifetime just through memories and desire?

No Man's an Island

No man is an island entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main; if a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as any manner of thy friends or of thine own were; any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind. And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee.

John Donne

I believe this piece of prose has the ability to touch anyone who really reads it.

Live for Now

One of the hardest things to do is to live in the now. People may not realize it, but an enormous junk of their daily lives are spent brooding over and analyzing the past, or fantasizing and creating the future. How often do we stop to actually live, now? This topic was first made known to me during a farewell talk with out priest back in Convent. It has since then come up countless times in my own thoughts and occasionally conversations. Recently as well, now that I'm doing Philosophy, 'being aware' is a major aspect of it's teachings. Can you sit still for two minutes and let your senses totally take over? Think about nothing of the past or future...just receive the sensations of the present letting it go in and out and not stop to take hold of it or analyze and store it. It can be the most exhilarating two minutes of your day.

In the wider picture... I realize that very rarely do people actually live and enjoy the present situation for what it is. We live life always wanting to be somewhere else...be it literally or circumstantial. Having goals and dreams are far from bad, it can sometimes be necessary. But how much do we get caught up in these thoughts? Are we actually sacrificing the pleasures of the present all in the hope of gaining our own desired pleasure of the future? A rather blunt example, and the actual instigator for this entry, is that of my overall living position. I've always dreamed of somehow being able to take a year out of my life and do nothing but read and relax... no school work to worry about what so over. Nothing to do but just live for the day. Due to a twist of fate and the hand of God who works in mysterious ways, I've been somewhat granted that wish. However, I've spent months thinking about how all I want is to go back to school... I just want to study again, learn, accomplish academically. I let myself get caught up in this desire and now I've realized that I've sacrificed days and weeks of my own peace of mind from just not choosing to enjoy the present. I'm sure that at one point in the academic world, I'll be wishing for these circumstances all over again.

You need to be aware... recognize and stop certain stimuli before it seduces you. Stop...breathe...and as cliché as it seems, count your blessings!

Our minds are made in such a way that we don't need to process information while we are receiving it... we just need to be open, and just receive! It may not be as gratifying as memorizing a passage from a book for example, but in living in the now, being still and open... that very same information will be made known to you when you need it. It's something of taping into that universal knowledge...that wisdom that has mesmerized people for centuries. It's like I read in Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons" ... you don't need to 'figure out a solution' ... you just need to 'remember' the answer.

A Girl Like Me

I don't normally do this, but I feel compelled to make such an entry as this. It's about this movie I saw "A Girl Like Me: The Gwen Araujo Story"

Imagine feeling like you're trapped in the wrong body, that there's been some sort of mistake — that you're supposed to be a girl instead of a boy. How would you tell your family and friends that you wanted to change genders? Would you bring it up with someone you had a crush on? And what would you do when society not only refused to accept the new you, but was violent toward you? Well, Eddie Araujo didn't know the answers, but he did know he was supposed to be female, so he began to dress as a girl and changed his name to Gwen.

You won't believe what Gwen endured just to live her life as who she was and feel normal. It's a shocking true story about courage and tolerance, and is sure to stay with you long after the credits roll.

This is a true story folks. Here are some details about the real person...

Gwen Amber Rose Araujo (February 24, 1985 – October 4, 2002, née Edward Araujo, Jr.) was a transgendered teenager who died during or shortly after a savage criminal attack perpetrated by three males. The events leading up to Araujo's death were the subject of a pair of criminal trials in which it was alleged that the attackers were angered by the discovery that Araujo — who, at the time, was living as female — was biologically male. In the most recent trial, two of the defendants were convicted of second-degree murder, but the jury concluded that no hate crime was committed. The circumstances of the case have caused it to become a rallying point for the LGBT community, and a number of underreported and controversial aspects about the case and about Gwen's murder remain points of contention.

To Justify the Unjustifiable

A fellow blogger gave me this idea; to reintroduce some of my favorite entries. The following piece I found very applicable to my life once again and no matter how many times I read it, it always brings new meaning. I hope it does the same for you.

"...The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate and justify the decision of any passing action or thought; that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of machocism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us."

From: The simplicity of a complicated mind

Connection

People. We go through our lives mingling between the sexes mostly ignoring our natural urge and desire to be with someone. At any arbitrary event; in the grocery, passing strangers on the street, sitting in church...there will always be one of the two around you; either a male or a female. We don't always stop to think at each sighting that 'he/she is a potential mate'. If we did do that, I'm sure all will be shacked up with kids at the onset of puberty. So we move above those animal instincts and evolved into a race of basic discrimination, intent and imagination. But maybe, if you're a girl, every guy you see, every male person you encounter, triggers that natural instinct and vice versa for guys.

There is always something... noticing, observing, an affiliation, an interest, attraction, fondness, a crush, infatuation, an addiction, love, even obsession. It's our sexual interest. Our emotional desire. Our social need. Be it homo/hetro, it matters not... it all boils down to that connection. Any connection. It is our nature. How many tries before the soul finds satisfaction? How many times do we deny it...deny ourselves? We prolong the inevitable. I guess we just have to make sure it's for the right reasons.

Brick Lane

I quote from the book i'm reading 'Brick Lane - Monica Ali'

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,' Chanu went on. 'But what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older,' said Chanu, 'is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

Makes me wonder if I really want what I want and if I really choose what I did. Maybe I like the uncertainty...

Umhmm

Pain grows to burn Lessons concerned

Whats up?

Read my Ode To May

Whats been up lately Tunks?

May 8th - Celebrated my tweanteenth birthday
May 13th - Had my big Birthday Satsangh/Thanksgiving
May 14th - Mothers day pool party

Its been a good couple weeks. Hectic and sleepless, but good.

Any advice for Insomniacs?

Shhh

When lips don't move but words are spoken,
Closed eyes tremble from internal violence.
A mind and heart whose link is broken,
The strongest emotions are expressed in silence.....

(I didn't write this, but I know it...)

April Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of April

04-08-2006 - Minority Report
04-02-2006 - The Butterfly Effect

*Really liked The Butterfly Effect

Nine Precious Gifts

Lovely words....worth reading and giving. Enjoy - Tunks

In the economy of the heart these presents are priceless. This simple checklist can help measure how you are nurturing your relationships.

The Gift of Listening

The best gift you can give anyone is to listen to really listen.
Do not interrupt, do not daydream and most important do not plan your response. Just listen.

The Gift of a Smile

Besides making you look beautiful, a smile is contagious and helps to spread happiness.

The Gift of Laughter

Enjoy your moments together. Share articles and funny stories.
Clip cartoons. Your gift will say, "I love to laugh with you."

The Gift of Solitude

There are times when we want nothing better than to be left alone.
Be sensitive to those times and give the gift of solitude to others.

The Gift of Service

Everyday, go out of your way to do something kind for someone.
......it could also be a stranger.

The Gift of a Written Note

It can be a simple "Thanks for the help" note or a full sonnet.
A brief, handwritten note may be remembered for a lifetime.

The Gift of a Compliment

The easiest way to feel good is to extend a kind word to someone.
A simple and sincere, "You look great in red," "You did a super job," or "That was a wonderful meal" can make someone's day.

The Gift of Affection

Be generous with your smiles, hugs, kisses, pats on the back and handholds as appropriate. Let these small actions demonstrate the love you have for your family and friends.

The Gift of Prayer

The most precious gift of all! Never fails to work!

To know

Have you ever been shocked by the realization that someone really knows a part of who you are... and you never even knew they did?

I was. That’s the start of this entry idea. This happened a few days ago and culminated in the other extreme, the opposite scenario. I was struck by the reality of someone really not knowing me, though they would like to believe they do, and I have tried soo hard to wish was true.

It's hard still to come to terms with knowing now that that essence of who I am, really am, seeped into the package of knowledge that some people believe they know about me...not just some people, but those folk who were only privy to a short burst of my life. And not the person who's assumed the authority over my 'being' for years on end.

The former is amazingly refreshing and puts a lot of things into perspective...while the other just leaves me somewhat sad and disappointed, not in the person, but in myself for thinking that maybe, just maybe... they would change to fit the truth into what I've brainwashed myself into hoping, and they into thinking that they did. I thought to myself...'How could you not know me...after so long?'...'How could you say that? …knowing...or do you?’ Could it really be ignorance...or cruelty?

Anyways I got this thought in my inbox today and regretting having not read it earlier.... I just wanna share this with you all.

"The light is our only trustworthy guide. This is why, before making an important decision, you must concentrate for a few minutes on the world of light and ask what course you should follow. The reply will come in the form of thoughts, feelings, sensations or symbols. If the response is clear, you can go ahead. But if you feel apprehensive, confused or uncertain, it is because obstacles and hostile currents are barring the way. In this case, postpone your decision; ask the question again and do not act until the road ahead is free and clear. The heart and mind are like screens, on which beings from the invisible world, the spirits of wisdom, project replies to your questions. Instead of carrying out your own plans at any price, ask the divine world whether it has intentions and plans that are more suitable for you, and listen carefully to its response."

Omraam Mikhaël Aïvanhov

Take a ride with me

I know I've always had odd little quirks and interests, most of which I dared not express farless try to actually explain to others.

Dipping the headlights. Flashing someone. I find this incredibly sexy. Yes yes I know, I used the word sexy! Say we're driving down the road and reach the itnersection to turn off, we would slow down, put on the indicator and wait. When an approaching car, seeing our need, flashes its headlights indicating that we are free to turn before them... I feel a sudden rush of pleasure! I can't quite describe it. It's something of a power play... the joining of 2 people in unspoken conversation and understanding. One submitting to the other, yet at the same time taking the upper hand in giving permission...I just find it amazing and... sexy ;)

Here's another example. We're speeding down the highway like most Trini's do. We notice that some of the approaching cars on the opposite lane has their headlights on...immediatly we know we should slow down since somewhere higher up on our side of the road, the police is timing. Again, I can't help but smile when this happens. Ramdom folks, going about their lives decide to take a moment to think about their fellow brothers and sisters behind the wheel. We're all partners in crime... ganging up against the quest of the police. We share that moment, exchange information and concern...and continue on our way. Beautiful huh?

These same people and their same headlights can be a source of extreme annoyance when they refuse to dip their lights coming down the road on a dark night. Hmmm... but I'd prefere that to a blaring horn anyday.

Hip Hip! Horray!!!

It's that time again folks... time for all the Aries to rejoice and celebrate another year added to their lives or their ability to stay '26 or 32' forever.

Time to re-read this entry! This one's for you bro!
Happy 23rd Birthday!

To Adele - Happy twenteenth Birthday! It's exacty 2 years since the day we really met and hung out. Though you're far away from our sunny twin islands, you're always in my thoughts and heart. I miss you! come back home soon :)

Happy Belated birthday to Daddy!!!

March Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of March

03-24-2006 - Final Destination 3
03-22-2006 - X2: X-Men United *
03-21-2006 - X-Men *
03-18-2006 - Stewie Griffen - the untold story *
03-17-2006 - Sky High
03-11-2006 - Sleepover
03-11-2006 - The Prince and I
03-11-2006 - The Parent Trap
03-11-2006 - Dude, where's the party?
03-10-2006 - Pride and Prejudice
03-04-2006 - A lot like Love *
03-01-2006 - Gharam Masalla
03-01-2006 - Interview with a Vampire *

Yes, I'm actually angry

How can people be so utterly inconsiderate and live with themselves?
I called Mt. Hope's Immunology Department to make an appointment to which I already had a referral. In all my life I've never had a receptionist speak to me like that...not just me, but my father also. I was so incredibly upset and bordering on angry at this woman's stuck record and absolute refusal to say anything but 'bring in your referral and make an appointment' (in a very rude and condescending tone) I couldn't get a ****ing word in. Maybe if she would shut the **** up and listen I would have been able to ask if patience with mobility problems will be able to access the doctors office easily of if I should bring a ****ing wheelchair! By the time she hung up on me (yes she ****ing hung up on me!,) I just broke into tears feeling utterly frustrated and humiliated like a kid being scolded by a teacher infront the entire class.

I'm so angry and hurt right now. I can't remember the last time anyone spoke to me like that. Not many people can tick me off like that... Kudos to her! ****ing biatch!

Again?!

Hi everyone. Here is an exerpt from a entry made about 3 years ago:

Sunday, March 23, 2003

NOTICE
My phone lines are dead! Yes we can all take some time out of our daily routine and Cuss TSTT! OR @ least laugh @ them or something! So Do that now! .... goooooddd!

3 years later, it happens again. Exact same timing.

Bang!

Everytime I see the Blimp, I instinctly wanna shoot it down, or pelt it down, or maybe create a huge fly swatting thingy and crush it into the ground .... hmmm

And I'm just a nice 19 yo girl with no criminal record, living in a decent residential area and an ex student of a prestigious all girls Catholic school.

It makes me wonder what the criminals think.

Part II

Part II of '...and so the night ends'

Obsessed

Did you know that I am the cause of your misery?
I control that which you don't even understand about yourself
My will is sunk so deep, my results only you reap
and you will never know to hold, I suffer two-fold myself.

It's self injury my friend, self help, self pleasure
Something that will forever be shrouded by a clouded vision
A hand to guide the unknown, it's intentions never to be shown
and a plea of pain and love to which you'll never listen

10.03.06 - Tunks

...and so the night ends

...and so the night ends
grabbing and pulling at a new dawn
another cycle of thoughts and projections
and silence tearing through my own peace
grinding harder until all edges are worn

I may as well light a candle in your name
watching it burn and bleed
and fall to the ground to instantly conform
But these thoughts will grip and lure
manipulating your wants 'till you need!

...and so the night ends

09.03.06 - Tunks

February Movies

Here is a list of the Movies I've seen for the Month of February

02-25-2006 - Hostle
02-25-2006 - Wolf Creek
02-20-2006 - Constantine *
02-19-2006 - Saw II
02-18-2006 - Constantine
02-18-2006 - Hitchhikers Guide to the Galexy *
02-18-2006 - Secretary *
02-17-2006 - Napolen Dynamite
02-16-2006 - Waiting *
02-16-2006 - Runaway Jury *
02-16-2006 - Without a Paddle
02-11-2006 - Salam Namaste *
02-11-2006 - Saved
02-04-2006 - Eloise
02-02-2006 - Cellular
02-01-2006 - Chasing Liberty

* My picks (Yes I looked @ Constantine twice. Loved that movie!)

Huh?

I was lying on bed around 1pm after my midday siesta still contemplating if I should get up or just roll over and enjoy the peaceful laziness.

For a split second, everything goes pitch black! and in that brief moment I really and truly panicked.

Then I realized that I had just blinked. whew.

Now is it just me, or was my reaction just very weird?

Itchy scratchy

I came up with the idea, that an ideal way to tourture a man is to give him some sort of itching skin irritation that affects his whole body, and lock him up in hot room to scratch himself crazy.

I've gotten some kinda itching allergic reaction to my meds most likely... I feel like a junkie who's well behind his boost up time. I think I'm slowly scratching my sanity away...

My Sweet Teaser

It was around 7pm and I was well on my way to the swimming pool for my nightly dip. The glass was down, radio on not too loud and the crisp cold wind was having a field day dancing in and out my car windows. I stared out into the night, took a long deep breath and a faint sweet scent teased my senses. Ummm...so familiar, yet more real than a mere memory. We were passing through a long stretch of cane fields - ah yes! The sweet smell of burning cane...that sweet smokey teaser. I remember actually thinking with a smile, how much I love living here - in Trinidad.

As I reached the pool and was parking, from the corner of my eye I saw what looked like tiny threads falling from the sky. The funny thing is, the first thought that popped into my head was that some dog was shedding hair hahaha... but that of course didn't make sense 'cuz it was after all falling from the sky. I then thought it was angel dust. Lord alone knows why I thought that one. I said out loud - 'This is Snow in Trinidad' ... and my gosh was it a sight! Black snow, grey snow, white snow...just falling and falling. In all my life I had never seen so much at once.

I waded around, enjoying the marvel of 'my snow' until it dawned on me that I was freezing. Definitely time to come out the pool - night time dips tend to suck the warmth out of you. The pool itself was quite a spectacle by then with enough fallen ash to almost cover the entire floor. Hey, I was just visiting - I couldn't help but be amazed, but I surely feel sorry for the person who had to clean up all that mess. Nonetheless, cane season - another reason why I love sweet T&T.