Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

All you see is red lights behind me

Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby

and I don't blame you falling backwards

No one's ever quite confused you this way

and all this time we wasted away

The never ending cycle

Maybe this is why we just can't be totally Good
Because I can't deal with how much I hate the fact that I love you
And the subtleties of that vibe will forever stand in our way
As long as I feel it
And I'll keep feeling the hate of love as long as we're not good
How's that for ironic? (youmotherfuckingasshole)

You have this inexplicable ability to .... me

Is it enough for you to kill me?

Is it okay if I died?

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild- mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you. The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

From the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I sink into myself

I can't think. I can't make decisions. The mere idea of making plans and decisions and any sort of activity that requires mental and physical energy is overwhelming me. I had to send out an email inviting people to an upcoming event and it took everything out of me to gather myself and my thoughts and TRY, really try to type the email up with some sort of coherence far less vitality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I feel unbelievably listless. A friend was simply asking me some questions regarding my mom and plans for this weekend and fathers day and what time I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I SWEAR to God, I started feeling a kind of ZAP in my brain!!! An actual physical neurological zap feeling in my head, like a flash of light that HURT... and I got so overwhelmed I just started to cry. I started to F****** CRY because I had to THINK to answer questions??? What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to start back school. I'm even dreaming about it. I'm dreaming myself in new apartments renting outside UWI. I'm reading about options and worrying myself sick with trying to figure out what to do, what I want... but then there comes a point where I just fall OFF. I go go go... develop in my thoughts and yearning... and as soon as it reaches where I need to actually do something, it stops. I can't. I can't function. I just sink back into myself.

I can't make plans. I can't organize anything. I have a meeting coming up and I must go. We're meeting to make plans and organize things. What am I going to do? *sighs*

I'm scared... I keep crying. Everything is so difficult. Getting dressed makes me tired. The idea of getting dressed makes me tired. I don't want to do anything. & that scares me...

Fight me

Just thinking about you makes me feel sick. My stomach in knots, my chest heavy, my head starts spinning and tears threaten to escape. You're like a disease; a horrible horrible affliction that's fueled by addiction and clearly I'm a rebelling masochist fighting against my own masochistic nature of loving you.

If I'm fighting against myself and I win... did I really lose? 

If you knew how much this was hurting me, would you do things differently?

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

♡ ❤ ❥ ♡ ♥ ღ ɞ

Black Hole

Dilated pupil ... in broad daylight

Am I high?

I woke up this morning... floating. My body was bobbing around, spinning, drifting around and around and upside down. My limbs were resting on a cloud of nothingness. It was so sooooo unbelievably amazing.
I wasn't moving though... I was just lying there, physically dead to the world, but floating around effortlessly on the inside. I had to force myself awake... I could barely open my eyes.


My head... my head was pounding. I didn't want to wake up.


I eventually got downstairs, made a cuppa coffee and sat down............... I covered it and went right back on bed. After awhile I opened back my eyes and noticed that all moving objects had a trail behind it. Like those cursor options you get on your computer, to leave a trail. 


At this very moment, it's still happening. A trail *moves my hand* ... yup... a trail!


Mom asked me what drugs I'm taking. Dad thinks I'm getting sick. But I'm okie... 


My pupils are still dilated

Dilated

Oh Jesus
In my entire life, I've never seen my pupils this dilated
I actually, shocked myself! I stood over the sink last night, brushing my teeth and I watched myself in the mirror... & like something out of the movies, I did a double take! like 'wait, what?!' ...... I stared into my own eyes and thought 'what the hell!' ............. 'I must be imagining things'
Later that night, I lay down next to mom on bed and was watching her eyes and I suddenly had an idea!
'WAIT' I said
I ran into another room, scrambling around looking for a little mirror.
I got one and came back next to her..... we faced the exact same light and I watched her eyes..... then watched mine....


HUGE DARK HOLES INTO MY SOUL!!!


My eyes were super dilated!!!
Now tonight, I've actually been told that I look 'drunk' or 'high' or 'on something' ...
You should see my EYES!!!

This is a pretty accurate example

You gave me something that I didn't have

I love to share. Many of you know that... I'm always giving things. I can't not! I just... want to. If I can, I will.


But do you even know that I love to share of myself? I walk that line between being afraid to show it and wanting to just bare it all. Sometimes I just want to share who I am... what I'm going through... what I think... how I feel. Sometimes I want to just listen and be there for others.


I have so much to offer... and the ones that I give to... will inevitably fall away. I share me... I lose you.

Progress... Tragedy

A quote from a friend's blog The Heights and The Lows, re-posted to my blog:

The progress of the world lies in man’s innate desire to possess that which he is denied by all forms of convention and constraint. The tragedy of the world is that man always loses appreciation for that which he possesses.

Maybe I should start my meds tonight 

You attract what you fear

I became everything I never wanted to... 
...and did all the things I said I never would... 
...and lost exactly what it is I feared losing. 
Good job Tunks. 
You master self-sabotage. 
Now onto a less painful life lesson... 
(before you stop living)

Mute May

A month without blogging ...
I guess some things really don't change. When life becomes most crazy and I have the most the say... it's the one time I say nothing. Nothing now, can possibly describe the last month I've had

Your physical form is no more

Andres: Swami didn't make it
Me: What?

This was how the conversation began. My 1st thought was that someone didn't make it to the satsangh that he just went to. Darn. I didn't make it either... I was home sicky. But then, that would be quite a horrible typo to make though... mixing up *insert person's name* with 'Swami'

But it wasn't a mistake. Swami didn't make it. Sathya Sai Baba has left his physical form.

I have been incredibly reserved about my experiences in the Ashram. It was all intensely personal and definitely not something that's easily said or understood by others. I could never say this to others... everyone was estatic on my behalf! It was a personal and somewhat bitter argument between Swami and I. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to go. I didn't need to see him physical. I never wanted to. But no one see's Bhagawan w/o him wanting it to happen.... even if I didn't. Now I know why...

I keep thinking 'Swami... you knew! You've known all along! You called me to see you despite all my protest and reservations... you made SURE of it... because you knew" ..... No one else knew. No one knew that just the day after I landed back in Trinidad, that he would end up in the hospital.

I am tempted to be sorry. But I cannot be. I am happy, sad and immensely grateful. I've never been attached to his physical form, never wanted to be. Never cared to. It was all about love and a way of life. Swami allowed me his darshan and graced me with intense stares... blanking my mind! & it was then I re-affirmed my belief that 'I don't need to see you again... I am happy with just this once'

Once... was my Karma. Thank you Swami!  

My Zahir... A soul recognition, a mind tortured with our bodies removed & this heart beats alone. It shouldn't be...

Happy 420

Gonez tro

Ha! I want to scream!! and laugh... and cry..... all at the same time!
My hands..... oh my hands are sweaty! 


I love you and I want to slam my head into yours, so it hurts us equally 


That and many other non-violent things as well

Say goodnight

I'm tired... I know, I've got to be tired. My body and mind have been going through some extra strain lately, so it's only logical that I would be tired... right?


But why am I so ... (afraid?) to go up to bed right now? I know I need to sleep. But just the thought of heading upstairs, alone... lying on bed, alone... with my brain


Yet at the same time, I'm not exactly communicating to say I'm covered in company. 
There is something scary about ending a night. But I know I can start a new day tomorrow. 
I just need to end tonight... let it go

Let's drive & operate heavy machinery

I was asked today to take the car & go pick up my uncle since he had no transport to get by us (and no one home here was available) 


I grabbed my bag and keys and got out the house w/o even changing my flour covered home clothes or washing the grime off my face. I couldn't let that chance be taken away by a change of mind after time.


The realization that came after was profound!!! How amazingly liberating it feels, to drive... ALONE! Just myself in the car, a/c on ... but not even the radio. Just me, alone behind the wheel. No nagging voices and quarrelling that passes off as discussion. No co-pilot freaking out on my behalf and transferring their nervousness.  I always second guess myself and think that maybe I would never really find my driving groove. That maybe I will always be nervous.


But today I drove alone... and I was okie... I was at peace...  I was happy.... and it was the best I'd ever driven in my life!

Can you feel it?

"...Learn to detach.”

…

But wait, I said. Aren’t you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

“Yes.”

Well, how can you do that if you’re detached?”

“… detachment doesn’t mean you don’t let the experience *penetrate* you. On the contrary, you let it penetrate you *fully*. That’s how you are able to leave it.

…

Take any emotion – love for a woman, or grief for a loved one…. if you hold back on the emotions – if you don’t allow yourself to go all the way through them – you can never get to being detached, you’re too busy being afraid. You’re afraid of the pain, you’re afraid of the grief. You’re afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way, over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. … I have experienced that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.”

I thought about how often this was needed in everyday life. How we feel lonely, sometimes to the point of tears, but we don't let those tears come because we are not supposed to cry. Or how we feel a surge of love for a partner but we don't say anything because we are frozen with the fear of what those words might do to the relationship.

- Morrie's approach was exactly the opposite. Turn on the faucet. Wash yourself with the emotion. It won't hurt you. It will only help.

Care doesn't have an on button

Omg, I can't do it.
I was 'this close' ... THIS close from just pressing that button and feeling layers of my pride be ripped away with the echo of each unanswered pause.
I want to share all this with you. I want to tell you about this great news! How much it scares me and excites me. I want to tell you how funny it was, how it all came to be.
I want to tell you the story of my day! Of being stranded in town, with no money, no phone and no car... of all the things I felt and thought and how the entire day played out. How I got escorted by police to a car that I wasn't even driving and was made to pretend I was. I want to share all of this...
But I didn't. Because it's not enough. Why? Because what I really want, is what I'm not going to get: I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me. I want you to tell me it's okie and scare me even more. I want you to listen... to understand...
I want you to care
But I cannot do that.
Sharing with you is half of what I want... you wanting me to share with you is the other half, that if absent, makes everything null and void. So... I let you drift by in silence... 


(and God knows how much that kills me)
(it's not supposed to hurt this much)
(how can something hurt so much?)
(why do I hurt soooo bad?)

Waking like this...

I woke up this morning and conversations started replaying in my head. All sorts of things I wish I never heard
I started remembering my dreams, vaguely, but I was seeing bits and pieces.
The world was in turmoil.. or maybe it had been. Hardly many ppl are left. It's dry, hot, very dusty.
I am afraid, but I am trying to be strong. I go looking for something, somewhere... a place to rest.
I am caught somehow... in a room lined with iron door panels which all move with a suction force inwards, one after the next... as if the air pressure in the room has changed. It has. I am sealed in. Trapped.
I open something and become aware that I am now contaminated. A monitor shows the bacteria/virus spreading onto my skin. Invisible to the naked eye.
A woman laughs. She LAUGHS at me. She has done this.
But I don't believe I will fall ill like all the others who perished before me.
Some part of me knows that I am indestructible.

Back to the conversations in my head now. I woke up sad. Sad that I have lost respect and admiration for someone. Now I'm weary. I woke up and I just feel sick inside... I just want to cry. Need to.... but I can't... not right now.

I just called my doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. I've waited long enough. I can barely hold on

????

I want to
I don't
I want to
I don't
I need to
I don't know
I need to
I don't know
I cannot understand
I don't want to understand
I need to understand
I don't need to understand
I can't
I have to
I can't
I have to
I don't want to!
I want to!
I need to
I don't want to!
I Don't Know!
I do know
I know
I know
Nothing

Oh FMS

I enter... heart racing, hands cold

Smile on my lips

Fear in my eyes

I am beautiful

Everyone is looking at me

Everyone is talking to me

But...

All I see is you

Heart racing, hands wet

My face is still

My voice swallowed 

I am SCREAMING inside

Screaming

Begging

Praying

I am quiet

I am screwed 

I don't want to lose you

I've never re-blogged anything before... but this one hit me SO hard and SO close to home... I won't even bother to explain beyond just sharing it as it is...

"Sometimes you forgive people just for the simple fact that you still want them to be in your life.”

It’s a quote that has been plaguing me for lack of a better word for the better half of two days. Some pretty simple words save for the word “forgive” which is pretty poignant and powerful all on its own, but strung together to become a significant sentence.

Needless to say, that one phrase has been repeating itself on a constant loop over and over in my head, looming over me like the metaphorical rainy cloud everywhere I go with no umbrella in sight.

How is it, as complex creatures of this earth, born with the capacity to mull things over and analyze them with a hopeful resolution, that it is so difficult to bring some sense of coherence to a statement like this? When I say coherence I don’t mean logical sense because it is a phrase that is true in its entirety, but rather coherence in the sense that we understand, yet do nothing to rectify the emotional turmoil to which it’s attached.

Why forgive people just to keep them as permanent fixtures in your life? We forgive but never forget. We forgive while simultaneously massacring our entire self worth and dignity.

Permanent reminders of emotional scars are eternally embedded all because bad choices are made, founded on weak moments of selective memories of good times.  

I think human nature is synonymous with masochism.

We delude ourselves into thinking things could improve, and smile when we ought to be solemnly vowing that it will never happen again. Blaming anyone but yourself for this is absurd and irrational to say the least because we allow persons to think it’s ok because they will be forgiven.

They will always be the bad habit that we return to.

Written by 'Word Bits' to whom all credit goes to