Care doesn't have an on button

Omg, I can't do it.
I was 'this close' ... THIS close from just pressing that button and feeling layers of my pride be ripped away with the echo of each unanswered pause.
I want to share all this with you. I want to tell you about this great news! How much it scares me and excites me. I want to tell you how funny it was, how it all came to be.
I want to tell you the story of my day! Of being stranded in town, with no money, no phone and no car... of all the things I felt and thought and how the entire day played out. How I got escorted by police to a car that I wasn't even driving and was made to pretend I was. I want to share all of this...
But I didn't. Because it's not enough. Why? Because what I really want, is what I'm not going to get: I want you to laugh at me, laugh with me. I want you to tell me it's okie and scare me even more. I want you to listen... to understand...
I want you to care
But I cannot do that.
Sharing with you is half of what I want... you wanting me to share with you is the other half, that if absent, makes everything null and void. So... I let you drift by in silence... 


(and God knows how much that kills me)
(it's not supposed to hurt this much)
(how can something hurt so much?)
(why do I hurt soooo bad?)