4 weeks of a flare

Times like this I find myself juggling between wanting to just give up and die right now...
Or get better and fight like hell for everything

Do you know how depressing things is? I'm struggling to move my joints and stand on my own... and what are they doing?

So much re-evaluation at a time where it's either perfect or terrible to. What am I looking forward to? Can you make this worth it? Make it worth it.

Real suffering

I'm just lying here, listening to my body and feeling every ounce of pain. It's not just the pain associated with moving or not being able to move, but I'm just lying still as ever and feeling this strong, relentless pain travel through my leg - up and down, radiating and wrapping around.

It's just amazing. Truly, I am amazed! Amazed at how much pain the body can create and feel. How horrible it feels. How little control we have over it sometimes. Like right now... I'm on all the meds I can safely take (and legally - though that might change) ... and yet I'm on a 8/10 pain scale while lying still, and would surely shoot up to a 9.5/10 if I try moving. That's when my heart rate goes up way pass the 100bpm it's already at and my head goes dizzy, I see lights dancing around my vision and the sounds of pain escape me.

This has been my week. Every day. No relief.