Lately I've found myself wondering something quite strange really and it sort of revolves around the question 'Should I continue living?' It feels almost as if I have a choice in the matter, like I can just switch a knob and turn my life on or off. It brings into question my own mortality lately.
I'm suffering (yes I'm using the word suffering) from a chronic disease for more than half my life and if I stop to take notice, I can't help but wonder how long can the human body survive with all these medication I keep pumping into it day and night, nonstop. For quality of life reasons, I need the meds, but is that at the cost of quantity? I can't tell what would kill me faster; the disease or the medication. But I do know that health wise, it's never going to be easy and could only get worst as my body naturally ages.How much more pain can I bare?
So yes, that brings me back to the question - Should I continue living?
I love life, but what's the point anymore? Even love hurts me. Life hurts.
And then of course, if I continue living, I would have to face the death of all my loved ones around me. I'm still struggling to function after mom's death; maybe I should stop.
But again, I don't exactly have that switch ... that choice
It just doesn't work like that, not really.
5 comments:
Yes, you should. I'd miss you if you were gone. And on some days, you know there's something, no matter how minuscule, worth living for.
I dunno, maybe you should pull out from the lime light and not gather attention to yourself. Perhaps being a misanthrope is your path, being alone and away from others.
What lime light?
Continue on. You're awesome and I want you around. You still have good times ahead of you too. Now is definitely way too soon..
~Anonyvee or "anonyspectrum or whatever" :p
I understand the position you're in, or, at least I try. There are millions of others around the world, asking themselves exactly that same question. I've asked myself that question also several times, although my life is not one of agony or pain, other that the daily 'suffering' at the stupidity of most people around me. But i thing, in the end, one should ask oneself that question in the light of what one means to others.. That is, one's significance to others. For example, whenever I create something, a drawing, a poem, or simply listen to someones worries and I get positive feedback, then I think that's the 'reason' I'm here... alive... to bring a smile on someones face, or makes someone see the world slightly different, slightly more positive, even if only for a while. Judging from the way you write, you seem to me like a very intelligent, sensitive person, capable of helping others feel better. So please stay around, you're needed in this world, there're so very few of you here... ;)
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