I want to watch my thoughts like they are voyagers, sailing over the sea of my mind; my emotions as just the stirring of water behind -- then wait -- Calm
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
My days are lovely, painful; you hurt me and I love you
My first day back out for the Semester went pretty well. There was something so strange and almost precious about waking up all on my own and being responsible for myself and to myself in getting to class and doing what I had to do. I absolutely loved my first lecture! The course itself and the lecturer are both very intriguing. The walk back to Milner was long and tiresome but ... well *smirks* it was well worth it =)
Today, my second day, started off almost the opposite. I felt so sleepy, rundown and pained. I started my day by calling my dad, just to touch base before the day gets busy, then I did the needful and slowly laboured onto campus. I found myself chanting a mantra with EVERY step I took! In doing so, I became aware that I haven't quite finished learning how to walk again (Post THRs) so with each painful step, I made a conscious effort to lift, bend, go forward and drop, curl, lift, bend, go forward and drop... on and on and on and on. I started using muscles I rarely used before, all in the effort to widen my stride and appear more fluid.
I observed everyone walking pass me, and I really mean everyone. There was no human being who was behind me in any noticeable distance who did NOT overtake me at some point. It's unnerving and sometimes throws me into a real uncomfortable zone. After 10 minutes of walking, I finally had to remind myself that 'hey, you should be happy, you're walking with titanium hips... you're actually walking; something you couldn't exactly do a few years ago' ... So I trod over the dewy wet grass, letting the coolness caress my very painful tired feet and I smiled knowing that I've come a long way and I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Later in the day, my person and his friend and I all had class at the same time, so we quickly packed up our lunch and were heading on our way. I told them I'll walk with them since I'm going to class as well and it was on the way to their class. I actually was looking forward to having their company to class for a change, since it's very rare that our class times coincide. Now what happened next, I'm afraid I will admit, really hurt me. They, knowing I was coming with them, knowing we're going in the same direction for the same time, decided to walk on along at their own merry pace, leaving me behind. I feigned childish offence hoping he would at least remember 'oh right, she can't walk as fast as we do' but, with or without that registering in his mind, they still, for the entire walk, stayed well ahead of me, despite stopping at times to make sure I was following, but never letting me reach their sides. It was barely a minute if so much, but it was so humiliating for me. I was so hurt and angry! Why would you leave me behind if you KNOW I'm walking with you guys? Why stop to show that you are aware that I'm straggling behind, but never once let me reach up to you? I felt so horrible and ashamed and belittled and inadequate and disappointed and angry and... hurt.
Of course I didn't say or do anything about it since I had to go in my class and they had to go to theirs. It just really hurt me. I don't think its even fathomable to others how aware I am of my own limitations and how hard I try to integrate myself into the normal workings of things. I may appear normal and whatever, but I'm battling with chronic pain and trying my best to hide those manyyyy little things I just cannot do! Case in point - I cannot walk fast, so I walk slowly ... and people would just think I LIKE to walk slowly, that it's just my thing. But that's far from it... I walk slowly because each step I take is a painful task, I'm terribly weak and the movement in itself, is a limited one.
Anyways, in writing this, I realize that after that midday incident; I somehow managed to orchestrate my situation such that I didn't have to walk with anyone again. I either went alone, or didn't go at all. Such is the power of betrayed trust and being hurt. Even with something as seemingly silly as this, I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to keep proving myself to the world in trying to fit in anymore. So rather than trying to put myself through the pain of trying to keep up or the humiliation of being left behind, I may have to walk alone... though I don't want to. I really don't want to. If it's anyone, I wish he won't do this to me again (I don't know how to tell him)
Today, my second day, started off almost the opposite. I felt so sleepy, rundown and pained. I started my day by calling my dad, just to touch base before the day gets busy, then I did the needful and slowly laboured onto campus. I found myself chanting a mantra with EVERY step I took! In doing so, I became aware that I haven't quite finished learning how to walk again (Post THRs) so with each painful step, I made a conscious effort to lift, bend, go forward and drop, curl, lift, bend, go forward and drop... on and on and on and on. I started using muscles I rarely used before, all in the effort to widen my stride and appear more fluid.
I observed everyone walking pass me, and I really mean everyone. There was no human being who was behind me in any noticeable distance who did NOT overtake me at some point. It's unnerving and sometimes throws me into a real uncomfortable zone. After 10 minutes of walking, I finally had to remind myself that 'hey, you should be happy, you're walking with titanium hips... you're actually walking; something you couldn't exactly do a few years ago' ... So I trod over the dewy wet grass, letting the coolness caress my very painful tired feet and I smiled knowing that I've come a long way and I need to stop being so hard on myself.
Later in the day, my person and his friend and I all had class at the same time, so we quickly packed up our lunch and were heading on our way. I told them I'll walk with them since I'm going to class as well and it was on the way to their class. I actually was looking forward to having their company to class for a change, since it's very rare that our class times coincide. Now what happened next, I'm afraid I will admit, really hurt me. They, knowing I was coming with them, knowing we're going in the same direction for the same time, decided to walk on along at their own merry pace, leaving me behind. I feigned childish offence hoping he would at least remember 'oh right, she can't walk as fast as we do' but, with or without that registering in his mind, they still, for the entire walk, stayed well ahead of me, despite stopping at times to make sure I was following, but never letting me reach their sides. It was barely a minute if so much, but it was so humiliating for me. I was so hurt and angry! Why would you leave me behind if you KNOW I'm walking with you guys? Why stop to show that you are aware that I'm straggling behind, but never once let me reach up to you? I felt so horrible and ashamed and belittled and inadequate and disappointed and angry and... hurt.
Of course I didn't say or do anything about it since I had to go in my class and they had to go to theirs. It just really hurt me. I don't think its even fathomable to others how aware I am of my own limitations and how hard I try to integrate myself into the normal workings of things. I may appear normal and whatever, but I'm battling with chronic pain and trying my best to hide those manyyyy little things I just cannot do! Case in point - I cannot walk fast, so I walk slowly ... and people would just think I LIKE to walk slowly, that it's just my thing. But that's far from it... I walk slowly because each step I take is a painful task, I'm terribly weak and the movement in itself, is a limited one.
Anyways, in writing this, I realize that after that midday incident; I somehow managed to orchestrate my situation such that I didn't have to walk with anyone again. I either went alone, or didn't go at all. Such is the power of betrayed trust and being hurt. Even with something as seemingly silly as this, I've come to realize that I shouldn't have to keep proving myself to the world in trying to fit in anymore. So rather than trying to put myself through the pain of trying to keep up or the humiliation of being left behind, I may have to walk alone... though I don't want to. I really don't want to. If it's anyone, I wish he won't do this to me again (I don't know how to tell him)Saturday, January 14, 2012
Tea and Books Reading Challenge
This challenge was inspired by C.S. Lewis' famous words, "You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me."
You better settle in with a large cup of tea, because in this challenge you will only get to read ... wait for it ... books with more than 700 pages. I'm deadly serious. We all have a few of those tomes on our shelves and somehow the amount of pages often prevents us from finally picking them up. You may choose novels only, no short story collections or anthologies, and in case you're trying a short cut by picking large print editions of a book, well I'm sorry, those do not qualify for this challenge! Let's battle those tomes that have been collecting dust on our shelves, so no re-reads, please!
2 Books - Chamomile Lover (this will be the one I'll try)
4 Books - Berry Tea Devotee
6 Books - Earl Grey Aficionado
8 or more Books - Sencha Connoisseur
To sign up, please read the general rules below! Then post about the challenge on your blog, including the button above, and don't forget to link back to the Tea & Books Reading Challenge page on my blog!
*****
RULES
Name / Blog (if you have one) / Chosen Level
I'll comprise a list with everyone and add it to this page!
Updates on the challenge will be posted on a regular basis and you may then comment with your own progress.
The challenge will take place between January 1st and December 31st 2012.
You can join any time between now and early 2012.
You have to pick a level, though you may "upgrade" to the next one at any time. In this case just drop me a line, so I can change your previous level.
You don't need to list your books ahead of time, though I won't object if you do. I'm definitely curious about your book choices for these challenges.
The books you choose may crossover into other challenges.
Both physical and eBooks are allowed, though personally I feel that especially the Tea & Books Reading Challenge is more fun with real books.
Reviews of the books read are not mandatory.
To sign up: Click ME!
Friday, January 13, 2012
"When I try to analyze my own cravings, motives, actions and so forth, I surrender to a sort of retrospective imagination which feeds the analytic faculty with boundless alternatives and which causes each visualized route to fork and re-fork without end in the maddeningly complex prospect of my past."
- Vladimir Nabokov, Lolita
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
The Last Apprentice (Book Review)
Name: The Last Apprentice: Revenge of the Witch by Joseph Delaney
Date: 11.01.12
Link:
Hmmm where do I start? I decided to give this book a shot, since I had
per-ordered it and got it free. It looked pretty interesting and the
reviews were promising. I eventually dived head on and got sucked in.
The writing is easy and flows well. It's the First person POV, in the
voice of the young protagonist Tom, therefore it is pretty easy to read
for a child. The story was good but something was lacking. Every buildup
ended on a rather dull crescendo, but it did nonetheless, grip the
reader all the way. It IS too scary for the younger spectrum age group, I
have to admit that much. As an adult I find some of the things highly
disturbing, worst yet for a child. Age is subjective though, so in all
fairness, it should be okay for the slightly older ones.
The one thing
that soured this book for me, was a somewhat misogynist undertone. I was
actually sad that it changed my feelings about the book as I read on,
because I really wanted to totally love it! But there were some
instances where it was not even subtle enough to get lost in the
riveting reading itself. Suffice to say, I do believe that the series is
promising and it is an entertaining read. There is room for improvement
in character & plot development. I think the author got a bit
sloppy with the story's linkages and tie ins and of course, in the
'sexist' commentary. I know the roles of men and women are indeed based
on some reality, but it should not be so blatantly put forward in such
an accepted way in a novel that's targeted at children.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Monday, January 09, 2012
This sickness
It's pulling me in again...
My loyalties are flying everywhere, bouncing off the walls, leaving splatters of blood, leaking in my brain.
It's gripping me from the inside...
I trust no one; all sense of love and care smashes to the floor bleeding into every uncertainty in my heart.
Plans be gone! Go away friends! Leave me alone relations!
It's not like I need to make it happen anyway, I'm abandoned all the same
Nothing really matters right now, just this vice on my mind, shattering my sanity and letting it ooze ... away
My loyalties are flying everywhere, bouncing off the walls, leaving splatters of blood, leaking in my brain.
It's gripping me from the inside...
I trust no one; all sense of love and care smashes to the floor bleeding into every uncertainty in my heart.
Plans be gone! Go away friends! Leave me alone relations!
It's not like I need to make it happen anyway, I'm abandoned all the same
Nothing really matters right now, just this vice on my mind, shattering my sanity and letting it ooze ... away
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Why?
Why?? Why why why? Whyyyyyy! Why ma? Whyyyyyy did you have to die?? Why like that? Why sooooo soon? Why now?! I need you Ma!! :'(
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Saturday, January 07, 2012
Friday, January 06, 2012
Tuesday, January 03, 2012
HATE me
Sometimes I really hate myself
I don't recall ever having so much self loathing earlier in my life.
I hate myself so much sometimes that I want to just get away from everything and everyone. I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where no one knows me and nobody cares and there is nobody for me to disappoint or hurt, except myself.
I hate myself so much sometimes because I feel betrayed and alone and I start hating everyone! And then I hate myself for feeling that way. I miss everyone so much that I start hating them and myself. I feel so unbelievably HOPELESS! An absolute failure as a person. I hurt everyone who loves me and everyone hurts me. Life is full of pain and disappointment. Where did that happy me go? I love life and I love the world, yet now I hate me! Wtf is wrong with me?! WHY do I feel this way, so STRONGLY! It's irrational, but so god damn real! *sighs*
I don't recall ever having so much self loathing earlier in my life.
I hate myself so much sometimes that I want to just get away from everything and everyone. I want to jump on a plane and go somewhere where no one knows me and nobody cares and there is nobody for me to disappoint or hurt, except myself.
I hate myself so much sometimes because I feel betrayed and alone and I start hating everyone! And then I hate myself for feeling that way. I miss everyone so much that I start hating them and myself. I feel so unbelievably HOPELESS! An absolute failure as a person. I hurt everyone who loves me and everyone hurts me. Life is full of pain and disappointment. Where did that happy me go? I love life and I love the world, yet now I hate me! Wtf is wrong with me?! WHY do I feel this way, so STRONGLY! It's irrational, but so god damn real! *sighs*
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