Part of a letter to a friend

Maybe I am somewhere so deep & I'm so accustom to that I can't fathom the possibility of there being a better brighter alternative? ... It's hard to grasp. Can we become COMFORTABLE with pain & sadness to the point it really does become the norm?

Let me be

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna be anything more than whatever it takes to just stay here on bed . I need there to be a way to not go.

Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

All you see is red lights behind me

Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby

and I don't blame you falling backwards

No one's ever quite confused you this way

and all this time we wasted away

The never ending cycle

Maybe this is why we just can't be totally Good
Because I can't deal with how much I hate the fact that I love you
And the subtleties of that vibe will forever stand in our way
As long as I feel it
And I'll keep feeling the hate of love as long as we're not good
How's that for ironic? (youmotherfuckingasshole)

You have this inexplicable ability to .... me

Is it enough for you to kill me?

Is it okay if I died?

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild- mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you. The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

From the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I sink into myself

I can't think. I can't make decisions. The mere idea of making plans and decisions and any sort of activity that requires mental and physical energy is overwhelming me. I had to send out an email inviting people to an upcoming event and it took everything out of me to gather myself and my thoughts and TRY, really try to type the email up with some sort of coherence far less vitality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I feel unbelievably listless. A friend was simply asking me some questions regarding my mom and plans for this weekend and fathers day and what time I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I SWEAR to God, I started feeling a kind of ZAP in my brain!!! An actual physical neurological zap feeling in my head, like a flash of light that HURT... and I got so overwhelmed I just started to cry. I started to F****** CRY because I had to THINK to answer questions??? What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to start back school. I'm even dreaming about it. I'm dreaming myself in new apartments renting outside UWI. I'm reading about options and worrying myself sick with trying to figure out what to do, what I want... but then there comes a point where I just fall OFF. I go go go... develop in my thoughts and yearning... and as soon as it reaches where I need to actually do something, it stops. I can't. I can't function. I just sink back into myself.

I can't make plans. I can't organize anything. I have a meeting coming up and I must go. We're meeting to make plans and organize things. What am I going to do? *sighs*

I'm scared... I keep crying. Everything is so difficult. Getting dressed makes me tired. The idea of getting dressed makes me tired. I don't want to do anything. & that scares me...

Fight me

Just thinking about you makes me feel sick. My stomach in knots, my chest heavy, my head starts spinning and tears threaten to escape. You're like a disease; a horrible horrible affliction that's fueled by addiction and clearly I'm a rebelling masochist fighting against my own masochistic nature of loving you.

If I'm fighting against myself and I win... did I really lose? 

If you knew how much this was hurting me, would you do things differently?

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

♡ ❤ ❥ ♡ ♥ ღ ɞ

Black Hole

Dilated pupil ... in broad daylight

Am I high?

I woke up this morning... floating. My body was bobbing around, spinning, drifting around and around and upside down. My limbs were resting on a cloud of nothingness. It was so sooooo unbelievably amazing.
I wasn't moving though... I was just lying there, physically dead to the world, but floating around effortlessly on the inside. I had to force myself awake... I could barely open my eyes.


My head... my head was pounding. I didn't want to wake up.


I eventually got downstairs, made a cuppa coffee and sat down............... I covered it and went right back on bed. After awhile I opened back my eyes and noticed that all moving objects had a trail behind it. Like those cursor options you get on your computer, to leave a trail. 


At this very moment, it's still happening. A trail *moves my hand* ... yup... a trail!


Mom asked me what drugs I'm taking. Dad thinks I'm getting sick. But I'm okie... 


My pupils are still dilated

Dilated

Oh Jesus
In my entire life, I've never seen my pupils this dilated
I actually, shocked myself! I stood over the sink last night, brushing my teeth and I watched myself in the mirror... & like something out of the movies, I did a double take! like 'wait, what?!' ...... I stared into my own eyes and thought 'what the hell!' ............. 'I must be imagining things'
Later that night, I lay down next to mom on bed and was watching her eyes and I suddenly had an idea!
'WAIT' I said
I ran into another room, scrambling around looking for a little mirror.
I got one and came back next to her..... we faced the exact same light and I watched her eyes..... then watched mine....


HUGE DARK HOLES INTO MY SOUL!!!


My eyes were super dilated!!!
Now tonight, I've actually been told that I look 'drunk' or 'high' or 'on something' ...
You should see my EYES!!!

This is a pretty accurate example

You gave me something that I didn't have

I love to share. Many of you know that... I'm always giving things. I can't not! I just... want to. If I can, I will.


But do you even know that I love to share of myself? I walk that line between being afraid to show it and wanting to just bare it all. Sometimes I just want to share who I am... what I'm going through... what I think... how I feel. Sometimes I want to just listen and be there for others.


I have so much to offer... and the ones that I give to... will inevitably fall away. I share me... I lose you.

Progress... Tragedy

A quote from a friend's blog The Heights and The Lows, re-posted to my blog:

The progress of the world lies in man’s innate desire to possess that which he is denied by all forms of convention and constraint. The tragedy of the world is that man always loses appreciation for that which he possesses.