Hello Tomorrow :)

It’s the end of 2005 according to the Christian Calendar. Last night I sat wondering ‘What year is it really? How old are we?' The human race started long before the birth of Christ…and sometimes I think we forget that. But putting that aside, we are indeed entering a new year; if not literally, then definitely on a global symbolic level.

Last year I was somewhat disappointed and equally amazed at the steady, non-epiphanic merging of 2004 to 2005. It was the sort of calm and nonchalance, that only now upon reflection, epitomizes ‘the calm before the storm’, for there was no way for me to know then, that this year gone by, was going to be the most difficult and trying period of my life. No words can justify that reality.

Yet I am thankful. And for the pain and hardship – I love life. I love life even more now than I thought I could. I just love. And always would.

I am taking this opportunity to thank everyone…and I mean everyone who passed through my life: those that are still here and those who are no longer with me. I also ask for forgiveness if I need be forgiven. I wish you all the best. God Bless us all.

Welcome 2006 :)

Lord Krishna

I Love this picture. It's just so beautiful!

Cushion the blow of Disappointment

Disappointments are part and parcel of life. In this circus of existence, you cannot have your way all the time. Things change; people change. Events and results have an unpredictable and uncontrollable way of happening. To keep yourself from being utterly frustrated and dismayed, here are some things to avoid or at least soften the pangs of great disappointment:

1. Expect the best but be ready for the worst.
When you work hard on something, it's natural to expect the best results. And the most glorious rewards. But sometimes things don't turn out the way you want them to. To keep from being dreadfully dismayed, expect the best, but at the same time, psyche yourself up for the worst. Then you'll be ready for any unexpected turn of events!

2. Give it your best shot.
Much of the frustration that follows a failure is the big disappointment you feel towards yourself. When you do not try hard enough, you are overcome with guilt and regret. In whatever you are doing, do your best, give it your best shot. Then youll know you did all you can and you should be proud for trying.

3. Realize that you cannot own people.
We often expect people to act or be a certain way that would be congruous to how we want them to be. Realize that you do not and can not own people. Each person has his own mind and the natural right to free will. Give others the gift of space and freedom. Remember that when you lose someone, whatever you were expecting was not meant to be.

4. Realize that we are just temporary stewards of things.
When you lose material things, whether they are stolen from you or gutted down by a fire, minimize your grief by realizing that we are just temporary keepers of what we own. They will finally find their way to where they were destined to be. Besides, when you finally go, you cannot take a single thing with you.

5. Never expect anything back.
People get bitterly disappointed when they don't get back what they give to others. People always expect (some even demand!) repayment. This is a major cause of extreme frustration. When you help someone (especially financially) do not expect anything back. Think of it as a gift of love that's given freely and completely with no strings attached.

6 . Don't pin your life on one person.
You would be doing yourself a great injustice if you pinned your life on one person. No one person should take control, importance or dominance over your existence. People come and go in our lives. If you depend too much on someone, you will feel so shattered, helpless and hopeless if you lose him. Make sure you can stand on your own two feet. And live your own dreams, not other people's.

7. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
To avoid disappointment from losing anything, don't put all your eggs in one basket. It's a good practice to have more than one project happening so that when one fails, you have others to look forward to. Regarding financial investment, it is wise to diversify. The more things you have going, the less the chance of losing it all.

8. Realize that success is a combination of many factors.
You do not have full control over the outcome of things. Even with all the necessary preparations and precautions, things may end up differently from how you want them to. There are many factors and variables that determine how something or an event will turn out. And that includes the weather!

9. Realize that you will always get another chance.
If you don't succeed now, there will always be another time. Tell yourself that maybe it just isn't the right time yet for what you desire. Keep in mind that you will always get another chance to get a crack at it. Never lose hope. Hope springs eternal.

10. Realize that without defeat, victory won't be as sweet.
You have to feel the bitterness of failure to be able to savor the sweetness of success. Failures make you strong and powerful. Use them as a challenge for more determination to go after your dreams next time. Analyze why you failed and learn from your mistakes.

11. Realize that the universe has its own divine plan.
Yes indeed, the universe has a divine design. It has its own unchangeable, unique plan which may be very different from yours. You may not understand it at all for now, but it is something you have to force yourself to live with. Going against the current will just frustrate you. Do what the Zen masters preach: Go with the flow!

12. When things turn out awry, it's not the end of the world.
The world will not end just because something did not turn out the way you expected it to. It will keep on turning even if you cried a bathtub of tears in your own little dark corner. So dry your eyes and erase those disappointments. Hey, Friends! flash on a smile! Tomorrow is another day.

In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love.

~ Mother Teresa

This entry was curtesy another email I recieved that I was just compelled to share. I hope it inspires you, as it did me.

I'm a Tree

You have probably gotten this fwd before, but I will share it nontheless.

Click to find out: What kind of tree are you?

I'm the Poplar Tree:

Poplar - The Uncertainty
Looks very decorative, no self-confident behavior, only courageous if necessary, needs goodwill and pleasant surroundings, very choosy, often lonely, great animosity, artistic nature, good organizer, tends to philosophy, reliable in any situation, takes partnership serious.

Forgive

We must forgive.
Forgiveness is absolutely essential in everyone's life - know it or not.
To be unforgiving is to self-destruct.
Yet it sometimes seems the most difficult thing to do.

Forgiveness can be misunderstood to fuel a form of ego... for one to say 'I forgive you' means that person takes an approach of superiority - meaning they have the power in them to forgive another's misdeeds and wrong doings. Possibly the only 'wrong' that was done was your own perceptions and expectations of what/who the other person should be.

I realize that to truly forgive someone, means that that person doesn't even need your forgiveness.
To forgive someone means you can think of them, and know that they are just fine and okie. There is nothing terribly wrong with them. They are happy. And you are okie with that.

Having forgiven someone, you know that they are okie and so are you.

PS: My entry this day One year ago - Disturbed

I need me those words!

The cuke said:

Ever see a line - lyrics,etc. - and think,
"Damn. I gotta have that."
Like you can actually go out, buy and acquire some string of words

I admit I have fallen prey to that piece of irrationality. One such lyrical lure is as follows:

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)

I've known the thought daggers that threaten to slowly bleed me dry... if I didn't put them into their worded brothers.

Short's not too bad

My maid has been in and around a lot these days - cleaning this perpetually cluttered house.

While packing back the space-saver, with the use of our mini ladder, she said
"see, it's not a good thing when you're so short"

I wondered if short people fell down easier than tall people.
I wondered if tall people fell down easier than short people.
I wondered if it hurt them as much if they fell, as a tall person will hurt.
I wondered if having less body mass means less areas to hurt if they did fall.
I wondered when little kids fell flat on their bottom while trying to roller-skate, if it hurt less than adults because they had a shorter distance to fall.

Then I shook myself out of that thought provoking trance and thought once again
'You really think too much when you're bored gurl"

The play on pain

My tummy is growling. Its exactly midday, and my food will be on its way soon. yay. The human body is an amazing thing, and in saying so, I cannot ignore the body-mind connection. My stomach is empty, my belly growls, and I know I'm hungry. Imagine a world were you had no idea when your body needed nourishment again. There's no sensation to tell you that you are hungry and must eat. Maybe in the eyes of an anorexic, this is already their reality, but think about it.

I remembered reading in one of my first Biology books that a person feels pain as a result of the body trying to tell us that something is wrong. Later on in life, I heard of a disease called Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA)- which in short means the person cannot feel pain. There are only about 100 persons in the world who suffer from CIPA - an ultra rare disease, which deprives an individual of such an important natural protection as pain. Therefore, it is known that those people, who do not feel any pain at all, usually die before they turn 25. That’s a really scary thought.

So I checked the dictionary for the meaning of that all too common word: Pain - 'An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.' I know I know pain. My body sensitivity is higher than average yet I can handle serious pain. Maybe its because I grew up actually liking experimenting with the various types and degrees of pain...experiencing each sensation and testing my self control. Some may find that odd or disturbing...but the villain in Dean Koont'z 'Intensity' sure didn't. Then again, you've got to read the book to understand.

Now, in the midst of all pain that I'm experiencing, I've passed that thin line between pleasure and pain and felt myself falling into that abyss of pure bliss. Its a moment when pain is so intense, so sharp, and so sudden that just for a few seconds - you feel nothing. The world gets dim...like the process of a light bulb being switched off, in slow motion...and then it gets blurry, like tears screening your sight. And just for that moment, your head goes light and your body just 'is'. As I engulf myself in the darkness, I can't help but smile. Its a beautiful experience. (aka, black out)

Then in other moments of desperation, my mind wanders back to High school Biology and my rationalization turns dangerously black and white: The body creates pain when its trying to tell me that something's wrong (check) I feel the pain so I know that something's wrong (check)... why then, now that I know, doesn't the pain go away? - If only things were so easy.

In knowing...

I reflect upon the first part of this entry and thus continue:

Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...

It doesn't go away. The things I actively try to supress just proves to me that I'm defeating the purpose. If you try to make something go away, if you try to keep it quiet and hope it amounts to nothing...it is then that you know that it's real. In knowing this, for once, the cloud of confusing and dissonance vanishes and I feel okie. In telling others of this reality, in confessing - it doesn't always mean we need help or advice, approval or dissaproval... we just need acceptance. Not for someone to accept your decisions or feelings as being right, but for that person to accept you, and walk with you in peace, even if they disagree.

But most importantly, I need to be at peace, no matter if its wrong or right...I will give myself the option to choose, and it's in knowing I have a choice, that I smile once again.

Happy Divali

Divali Greetings to everyone!

I haven't blogged in awhile, and considering all the other options of recent experiences, I'm really glad I can re-enter this blogger's life on a Bright note... The festival of lights!!!

God Bless :)

This lovely picture is curtesy mayarobeach.com

Typical Irrational Beliefs

We must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything we do.

We must be thoroughly competent, adequate, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects.

Certain acts are wrong or wicked or villainous, and people who perform them should be severely punished.

It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as we would like them to be.

Unhappiness is the result of external events and happenings that are focused on us and that we have no control over.

We should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center our thinking on them until the danger has passed.

It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities in life than to face them.

We need someone or something stronger than ourselves to rely on.

Because something greatly influenced us in the past, it must determine our present behavior: the influence of the past cannot be overcome.

What other people do is vitally important to us, and we should make every effort to change them to be the way we think they should be.

There is one perfect solution to every problem, and if it is not found, the results will be terrible.

One has virtually no control over her emotions; she is their victim and cannot help how she feels.

.............

My mom was rummaging through an old handbag and threw a yellow creased sheet of paper for me and told me to read - and this is what I found. "Typical Irrational Beliefs" - As I read each one, my breathing slowed as my heart pumped faster... it all made sense. Perfect sense. Subconsciously, some of these are my own, though I try to rationalize them to become more realistic.

Words, Images & Memory

Twice during High School, a learning institute came in to do special classes to teach students how to study, learn and excel overall academically. I stayed back for just one of the countless classes, and remembered distinctly being taught how to read a passage or chapter and make notes. One thing that struck me then was the advice to not read silently at the same pace you will read as if reading out loud. Now that’s understandable. But the trick was, to not hear the words in your head in your own voice as if you really were reading out loud. To not pay attention to each word and character and more or less ‘skim’ to the important parts. At that moment I knew that I was destined to never become a speedy reader.

I recently finished reading a book directed at self-healing and body/mind connection called Dreamhealer – A guide to Self Empowerment. This book leaned heavily on the power of visualization. The author explained the differentiation between thought patters that are naturally pictorial or naturally narrative. Some people see clear pictures while visualizing, while some people hear their own thought narrating what is happening, rather than just seeing it. It was then that I realized I’m mostly the latter.

I couldn’t visualize something, make belief, imagine or whatever you want to call it, without hearing my voice speaking to me, creating the image through words. However, when it comes to recalling, I display a mixture of both. Here comes the tricky part… I have a Photogenic memory when it comes to words, and a Narrative memory when it comes to images. Ironic? In form 3 Spanish lessons, the teacher asked the meaning of some word, but I couldn’t remember it, yet I saw the image clearly in my mind, so I said to her “That’s in the small yellow box on the bottom left hand corner of page 53, it’s the 3rd word of the 4” Can you imagine her surprise? Of course she was both stunned and disappointed that I can remember all that detail yet not remember the actual word.

The written word versus the spoken word: I am a lot more moved and affected by reading things as words, than hearing it from the people themselves. I can recall an msn chat for example, word for word, where the spaces were, if it was capital or common letters, the amount of ellipses and where and when the person pressed enter etc…and that ‘skill’ disturbs me considerably sometimes since it makes online chatting a very emotionally and mentally charged event. I’ve come to realize that once read, I can see and feel everything, the image is imbedded in me, there’s no dry cut narration in my mind, but sharp images that stay with me. Horrible things that were typed to me via chat or email affected me many times more than the things I heard with my own ears. Hmmm…

I notice patterns of speech and typing, character usage and online quirks very easily from reading how people write. It comes so naturally that I dare not call it obsessive.

This can be the major reason why I much rather read books than watch movies. That’s just me :) Now I’ve come to realize how difficult it is to actually visualize with your intentions on the unknown and beyond without the limitations of speech.

What are your thought patterns like?

4 lines

Come to me, please
Never stray from these familiar grounds
I would hold you to myself, always
For this selfish need to satisfy you

8/21/2005

Thanks to Fridge Magnets

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

It was almost 2am this morning when I poured me a glass of water to take some night time vitamins in preperation to head to bed......when my eyes fell on the Desiderata printed and stuck up on my fridge door....and standing there in the dead of the morning silence, I took the time to read it.... line by line. I didn't realize how much I needed to remind myself of it's wisdom in words and lessons on life.....

Smiling I went up to bed :)

Abuse

There are a few things in this word that seriously disturb me. And I mean this on a deep, painful level... One of which would be discrimination...especially that of racism. This hits home for I've suffered the consequences of the ignorant, close-minded, stereotypical workings of those who affect the circumstances I live under... ahh... But that’s a different story.

What bothers me now is an image imbedded in my head a few days now...One of the other really disturbing pieces of life that I just can't come to terms with. And that is a parent, verbally and physically abusing their children (in public) reeking of absolute ignorance and lack of understanding. This mother, who seemed a bit on the loose screws side, was raucously shouting at and threatening her 4year old daughter with a belt, for every single thing that she said and did. She wanted something to drink... the mother grabbed her and hit her shouting to her as to why she has to be so difficult and why she has to be thirsty. The girl asked for water...the mother took the belt and beat her this time, screaming at her to drink mauby. The girl then wanted to sit down on a free seat and the mother screamed at her to come and lie down and sleep and hit her again. Every single thing she child did or didn't do, this mother is breaking out in her abusive ways, 'roughing up' the girl, and then blatantly turning to everyone else in the room and complaining that the place so hot and the journey taking so long.

Now we were all on a boat on the way back to Trinidad, about 5 families in that part of tourist class, all with kids. The other mothers were looking on at this irate woman and no one said a thing. People are trying to take a nap or eat or have some quality family fun...and this woman just goes on, abusing that little girl, for no apparent reason…and quite loudly too.

I'm not one to judge and I tried at first to see things from the mother's point of view... but after awhile it was more than obvious that what I was witnessing was just down right wrong. I prayed for God to bless the mother with patience and understanding and the little girl to not be affected negatively. It's not my place to seem condescending, but I said that pray with honest sincerity. The whole situation left a burning sick feeling in my stomach. I've seen it many times... parents walking with children on the street. The child stumbles and the mother grabs him, hits him and quarrels about the fact that he fell. I mean... how can people do that? Why?

The Eye - part 2

(Name suggestions for this piece of art are welcomed)

This is the 2nd eye I drew... I did this with a 6b pencil.
If you look closely into the iris... you'll see something I attempted to add on. Let me know if you can see it....
Its the theme of oldage, death and fear.

The first at last begins

Writer's block is far more commonly found in the presence of too much, not too little will. -- Victoria Nelson

A fellow blogger passed on an article to me on writers block after I complained senselessly about feeling the symptoms. That quote extracted stopped me in my tracks … and that’s an amazing thing since I’ve been running full speed on the reading track while my writers’ shoes lay collecting dust. Ah but with that said, I think this falls a bit in my garden… ok maybe not, its smack down in the center of my plate. This overwhelming will to say something and not being able to find the words has been giving me a headache… or is it the other way around?

A few weeks ago I came off some steroids, which has been in my system for over a year or so… and since then I’ve been battling with the withdrawal symptoms. One of them I didn’t anticipate was the super painful headaches, which once begun, hasn’t till this day seemed to have properly stopped. A ‘brewing headache’ as someone had put it… was what I found myself with. Still I refused to take anything for it. The pain pulsates and oozes slowly from around the optic nerves and at the back of my head and slowly… very slowly begins to radiate throughout. It’s reached a point where my head was sensitive to the actual physical touch. Hmmm… I’ll say that sucks big time.

It was today however, that the doctor revealed to me that I’ve been suffering from the infamous enemy of many… Migraines. Who would have thought? Probably everyone who witnessed my misery and not myself, but oh well. Things should be better soon.

I had stopped blogging about ‘what’s really going on’ or ‘whaz d real scene’. I think I needed to ease up on being my greatest critic and start become my favorite fan as well… It's all good :)

Self titled

Over the past 10 years I've off and on kept a written account of the happenings of my life and whatever thoughts or feelings associated with them. Long rants and speculations, short outbursts of direct statements, paragraphs of poetry and lyrics skewed from page to page... and at times the ingenious use of just one word to express everything. Yet I’m never satisfied… At the end of it all, I always know that I’ve left, leaving and probably always will leave so much unsaid and words unspoken will remain as it is; unspoken.

But life goes on…and I love life for that. But one day, maybe I’ll write me a book.

For now though, I’ll type with one hand and suck this corn cub (now that I’ve eaten all the corn off it) allowing my mind to wander again...To where... :) ...I'd rather not say. Somethings are easier done than said...or in it's silence, it safer.

Crush

At this very moment, a good friend and I are talking about the good ole days of childhood crushes :) ... its a really beautiful bittersweet feeling remembering those days of unadulterated, nonperverse, pure and innocent crushes on that person who just so happened to be your bestest friend in the whole wide world!

*sigh* :)

The eye: part 1

(Name suggestions for this piece of art are welcomed)

This is one of my older and defining pieces. It's personally my favorite and somewhat of a trademark of all things tunks :)

I really enjoyed the 'work in progress' process 'cause it mainly entailed me sitting at my desk peering into the depts of my soul! Ah yes folks, I used the mirror to work the details.

I wish I had scanned it straight though :p ... Stay tuned for part 2 of the eye drawing saga :)

We know, don't we?

Think:
Something is up. You're thinking along certain lines or entertaining possible decisions. In your mind, you can think it through, give reasons or non reasons...make it all seem perfectly okie. Yet at the end of the day, when you're chatting away with your friends, you realize... you can't tell anyone. You shouldn't be embarassed right? No... You tell yourself that they won't understand... but deep inside you know that they understand just as much as you do... and they're gonna tell you exactly what you've been trying not to tell yourself. Being repremanded just adds further guilt. Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...

We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...

Wassup?

Hey
How's everyone doing?
It's been awhile huh...
It's a new month! August is here... Its hard to believe...
Just the other day it was March. wow.
This can equally be called the most eventful and uneventful few months of my life...Really.

So again. How you doin folks?

The last poem

On the 9th of May 2004, I wrote this. This was the last poem I've writen, after a string of poetry over the last 8 years or so. A few days ago I wondered to myself why it is I stopped writing them... I think one reason was that after this one was writen, there was nothing else left in me to express exactly how I felt. To me, at the time, this poem was the most honest and representative piece of literature that there was...with respect to a seemingly endless period of my life. It all started when upon reflextion of a now forgotten conversation, the following line just popped into my head "Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception" ... The rest just poured out of me...and much to my surprise, it was the most rhyming poem I've ever written, even in it's emotional accuracy. I couldn't think of a name for it... but I one day just simply called it ... 'us'

Us

We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.

.............

Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......

Musical Baton

Created by and obtained from marlc

Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)

The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning

Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working

Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence

"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)

The Texture of Taste

Over the past few weeks, since I had a lot of time on my hands and due to the help of the side effects of steroids – I’ve become intensely aware of what goes in my mouth… food and drink wise. Back in the days, I remember trying to describe certain foods as ‘sleepy tasting’ … but that will make very little sense to the average person.

A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.

Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.

Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?

Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!

Geometric People

As a kid, I had always battled with getting the ‘hand me downs’ from my bigger brother, especially when it came to books and stationary. He had the miraculous ability to make a geometry set last him years, where as, if I had a choice, I would want to buy one every term either to replace lost pieces or to get a scratch free ‘angle measuring thingy’ or a pointer compass. I learnt how vital it was to have a good working set when I started CXC Geography, because map reading was not only tricky and demanding in precision, but was also one of my strongest points and the most fun part of Geography.

All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.

One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.

Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”

I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…

I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.

Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)

NOTICE

I HAVE RE-ENABLED COMMENTS... for those who emailed &/or inquired - Yes I had disabled commenting for a few days, but now it's back up - open and available :)

I got tagged - yikes!

Yes folks, I'm petrifed at the prospect of being honest and open to the likes of these questions but ... I have been (I think) This should pass some 'archive time' till we meet again :)

Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T

Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±

Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.

Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination

Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?

Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself

Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts

Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters

Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R

Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$

Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience

Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays

Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure

Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate

Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading

Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)

Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking

Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan

Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books

Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe

More than words

But the essence of compassion lies in how hard it is to be good. To forgive someone is to let him be free, even if he abuses that freedom beyond exasperation.

Deepak Chopra - Quantum Healing

Nude

Nudity ... don't we love it :)

This was done with a 2b pencil alone...possibly a mechanical, I can't remember.
The drawing itself was larger than what my scanner could accomadate, so her toes are chopped off unfortunatly :(
I never did after touch ups on this piece...so this is as it is when I dropped the pencil.

The Abyss

Have you ever been quiet?

Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.

Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?

The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...

I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.

Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable

Battle of the Senses

Palms sweaty...cold feet...my heart beat a good bit faster than I'd like it to be, considering its taking away from my other senses, now that I have to hear the 'thump thump' in my chest and the whoosh of blood in my ears... humph.

The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...

I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)

Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??

So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!

The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.

So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!

For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*

Dare I say?

I still remember
The world from the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Are clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I’m so tired of constantly being afraid. ‘afraid of what?’ one may ask, and the sad thing is, I’m scared even to say here what I’m afraid of. Apprehensive, hesitant, disquieted, wary…it’s becoming a task, and a stressful one at it, to do what previously would have been a joy… natural, free flowing, spirited… The imperative word that drops the hint is none other but ‘here’. I can span this theme of fear into many other scenes and scenarios – It proves relative all around. Why is this?

In Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and of Experience’, he started a revolutionary eye opener of the pure essence of change … from that of a child into an adult … the seemingly ‘natural’ and inevitable degeneration, digression, the sad fall from purity and innocence to the greater accepted tainted and cynical views of the experienced life. Now right before my eyes, I watch myself slip… and God alone knows how hard it is to not become or remain bitter, angry, ridden with anguish and remorse…sad. It’s a taste of another’s bread of life…and the poison of mine. It’s so easy to pick them out… ‘cuz it aint no rose colored glass my dear… it’s shattered and filthy and distorts even the best of persons, feelings and intentions…and the purest of them all as well. In the eyes of such… I swallow my words, blink back my tears…and bow my head in fear. Why is this?

Don’t play the victim in this game…don’t scream those words at me… because once you harbor on an external instigator, then you’re only the victim of yourself!

Release …

Doopdido

Lets change the Flavor - Here's for spontanous blogging *Cheers* ... now take it easy on that one, cause we gotta make it last 'till i'm done here - No refills - nope

Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?

So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.

I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)

Let's turn the page

*blank*

Hmm...

Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.

Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know

Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)

Ode to May

Since the beginning of this month, I have been toying around with the idea of making this entry. Now, 31 days later, I succumb to my tendency of working best under self-induced pressure; and what better pressure than that marked by time itself, giving me just a few more hours to do an ode to the month of May, while the Month still stands?

May has stood out, amongst its fellow brothers and sisters as being the most significant one in my life…thus far. It’s ridden with many personal milestones; good, bad and those that linger somewhere in-between.

Firstly, I was born on the 8th of this Month 19 years ago (Happy Belated Birthday Tunks). Just 3 days before my birth, my grandfather died and throughout the years gone by since, my other 3 grandparents passed away…in fact, in one year, 2 of them died 1 week apart; together with an uncle and a cousin…all separate incidences – 4 deaths, 4 sets of wakes and 4 funerals - All in the month of May. Hmm…all right. Enough of that talk. Too personal? Oh well… the list goes on

Ah yes… May was always one that had the anxiety-laden ring of Examinations in the air, not just the typical end of terms but the life changing (and yes they were) CXC and A Level exams. There was also Mothers day…a bittersweet occasion for my family. In the midst of it all, through out my academic life, I’ve graduated 4 times in May.

On an even more personal note, May marks … first kiss, first time I saw my first b/f upset, first for a few other experiences and first time I was faced with a one to one decision. It now also marks the beginning of the end of something and the end of another beginning. (Never underestimate the power of being vague). In May I was given the RA medical diagnosis and it has subsequently been a month of recuperation following a trend of flares every year since (Including this one)

Now…every event listed above has been, at the time, a significant one indeed. Throwing it out in such a nonenthused factual manner has its pros and cons depending on how we look at it but I haven’t attempted in any way to capture the true meaning or effect. To me, explaining these things that cannot be absoloutly understood and felt by another, can undermind the importance of it...I rather not take that risk. However, I’ll still stick to conviction of this being an opportunity to share something personal, succumb to my need to rant about May and of course, have this in the archives of time to reflect upon as my memory fades...

Aunque en silencio...

It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still your love after all that I’ve done

You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you

I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun

So I chose freedom

.........

Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true

Selected Lyrics from: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
...

The Irony of Happiness

-THE PREVIOUS POST 'THE LETTING GO' HAS BEEN UPDATED -

After reading the previous post, a friend said to me (that which he was once told) the following:

You have to let go of the happiness when it still is happiness; that is the only way to preserve it. Sometimes we hold on to little bits of life hoping it would never change but the more we hold on the more it changes, and then it turns into something which is exactly the opposite to what we had. But we still hold on, and that is the memory and pain we are left with

These words have been drifting around my mind since. As I lay in bed, I took advantage of absorbing the 3am sort of silence ... the kind thats marked by more than just the absence of sound...the kind of silence in which I can actually hear the pulsation of the world around me...thats what it felt like. And these words came back to me...I can't expand on them any more than they are self explainitory.

And then I thought - If only I had known them earlier...now they're something I'll never forget

The Letting Go

Isn't that what we wanted all along
Freedom like a stone
Maybe we were wrong
But I can say goodbye
Now that the passion's died
Still it comes so slow
The letting go

Excerpt from the song, "The Letting Go" by Melissa Etheridge

Letting go. It is difficult for us in so many ways and on so many levels. Yet life calls upon us to do it, over and over again. Letting go is part of our growth process. We cannot move on to the new while continuing to cling to the old.

There come times, in the context of love and romance, when we must learn to let go. For some of us, as described in the song, we must let go of a past romantic relationship. Maybe the relationship was not meant to be: perhaps it was hurtful to us, or perhaps it was hindering the personal or spiritual growth of one or both partners. In this case, even when there may still be feelings of passion, or attraction, or just the comfort of the familiar, we must be strong in letting go of something that is unhealthy for us. … Perhaps we have no problem leaving the person behind, but we continue to harbor animosity. In this case, we need to let go of the anger: holding onto anger does not serve us - and it might even serve to create problems in our physical health or emotional well-being. … In the realm of romantic relationships, some of us need to let go of unrealistic expectations. Whether we have idealized a past relationship or just read too many romance novels, some of us need to let go of the myth of the perfect lover: the fantasy of a relationship that requires no work and just brings us "happily ever after." By letting go, I am not implying "to forget" or "to ignore." By all means, we should carry with us the happy memories and the lessons we have learned from our past relationships. However, we need to let go in the sense of releasing emotional baggage we may be carrying around with us, so that we may be open to, and present for, a new relationship.

Some of us have difficulty letting go of a friend or loved one who has passed away. I have known mothers who have lost a young child who never seem to cope with this loss, emotionally: they carry it with them for years, like a dark and ominous cloud that -- even on a sunny day - looms on the horizon. Children can have as hard a time losing their parents, even when the parents have lived long and full lives. Often adult children who have lost a parent before working through interpersonal issues, or before having an opportunity to say goodbye, have difficulty letting go of unresolved issues or guilt. Sometimes we may need to go for some counseling or do a ritual (some act with personal meaning) to allow us to release these emotions.


Many of us have trouble letting go of old ways of viewing people who have been part of our lives for an extended period of time. They may be changing, and yet we do not let go of viewing them in the same way, and/or we try to discourage that change. We refuse to let go of the labeling, categorizing, and pre-set expectations we have of those we know, and of ourselves. This seems particularly true of many parents of teenage or young adult children. Many parents have a difficult time letting go of them as children, and allowing them to grow up. It is hard for parents to make that transition from treating their children as kids, to treating them as adults and more like friends. Many of these same parents have trouble letting go of viewing themselves, primarily, in the role of parent. For instance, some mothers are afraid to let their kids become grownups, because they are afraid to let go of their own identity as "mother." They have become so identified with that one role, that they no longer are sure who they are, outside of that role. When we refuse to let go of old ways of identifying and viewing ourselves and others, we hinder the growth and change that is occurring.

There is a saying: Let Go, Let God For most, if not all, of us, the letting go that we most need to do is a type of surrender. We need to surrender to life, itself. This means that we need to let go of our illusion that we actually can control most aspects of our lives. In many cases, rather than to fight "what is," we need to learn to accept and to be at peace… Too many of us are trying to keep a tight grip on things that are out of our control. This is like trying to grip the water flowing in a river. Put your hands into the river. If you try to get the water by grabbing it and clenching your fists, it goes right out of your hands. If you relax and open, gently cupping your hands, the water flows into your palms. By relaxing, opening, and trusting, we can hold onto more of what is precious to us. By letting go, we actually allow more of the mystery of life to come in for us.

To let go....

doesn't mean you stop caring, it means you can't fix someone else

is not to cut all connections, but to cut a few here and lengthen a few there

is not to punish but to allow learning from natural consequences

is not to admit defeat or powerlessness, but to realize the outcome is not in my hands

is to spend time filling my own needs and plugging the drainholes created by others' unmet needs

is to do what I need to do to take care of myself, knowing I can't be of much help to anyone if I am slowly dying

is not to judge, but to seek understanding and acceptance

is to stop teach teaching helplessness by overprotecting and underestimating the ability of others

is to move from denial to acceptance; from feeling defensive to reflective

is to stop hurting, arguing and scolding the other and yourself

is to stop focussing on that which you wish would change, but which is out of your control

is to focus your thoughts on that which you can control: your own mind and attitude

is to stop wanting things to be different and to start making them different

is not to regret what was or wasn't, or what might have been, it is to learn, grow and prepare for the future

is to invest in yourself; to invest time and mental energy on your own mental and emotional health

is to pursue your own goals, dreams and plans while leaving all doors open to the future possibilities

is to let God

Silent Suffering

Silence. Censure. Shhhh. Pain. Peace. Restraint. Unspoken.

My every thought is undermind by all the history inside.

Details: This is my most recent drawing. It's done with monolith shades and not pencil. This was the first time I tried monolith so the shadings and so on were a bit difficult and not as smooth as could have been. Ranges from HB to 9b.

The simplicity of a complicated mind

I realize that as each day passes, I make mental notes of what I'd like to say here. It's like having a little computer in my head where reality takes it's own little twist. But the longer I wait...the harder it becomes.

I once said and I quote:

The human mind is most amazing considering the ease to which our own fundamental views and values can be twisted, blurred and downright manipulated to validate the decision of any passing action or thought, that upon reflection, gets swept away with yet another passing moment in time... never consciously noted but almost always that sort after instigator for future trials and burdens.

We often stop and wonder... regret. Yet we never indulge any form of machocism to face the truth ... and that is, we have been, still are and always will be the the most active player in any game we find ourselves in...rather, any game we design and build around us.

Little flower - you make me happy

Living in Trinidad, I'm sure we all must have seen the Ixora Flowers, if not in your own yard, then in the neighbor's down the street. Red, pink, yellow and white... yupp, those are the colors. From a distance, an Iroxa hedge can take the form of an entire walled passageway of vibrant Colour, with thick masses clustered together. And it is this site which we revere as the Ixora.

As a child growing up, I've always had the opportunity to 'hold a flower in your hand' while we said prayers etc. Being as bored as a child can get, I took it upon myself to make that simple little cluster of flowers as interesting and intriguing as can possibly be. That is when I first stumbled upon....

I plucked out one tiny little 4 petal flower from the bunch, and noticed that IN that flower, was something that looked identical to the flower itself, but even smaller. Steering through the flower from the bottom up, I saw what looked like the 'stem' of the other little flower. (stigma, filament, whatever it was called then, I didn't know) I got a hold of that between my fingers...and I pulled it out... very very slowly. The head of it gently scooped out the entire length of the inside of the flower, and from the base...there it was. Out popped a tiny, barely visible droplet of sweet nectar. The taste however, wow, the little piece of sensory pleasure I can't describe... But you can imagine the amount of those I 'ate' back then? I think however I felt guilty of stealing the flower's 'sweetness' and eventually stopped.

What does all this have to do with anything? In my next entry I'll have to explain. But until then, ask yourself, how honestly do you really and truly appreciate the little things. No cliché intended my friends. Physically and otherwise, I really mean the LITTLE supposedly insignificant things in life?

Sad Beauty

'Incomplete' drawing of a face by Tunks :)

This one's for you bro!

This the day... 22 years ago - I know my mother was in pain. She speaks about it still in fact, I mean, which mother can ever forget the labor of her first born? But the joy that day brought, not only to my parents but to myself is never-ending...

The memories

Being rolled into a mat and rolled down the stairs. Being tied to the chair and left to loose myself. Being placed inside a basket and then turned upside down. Being forever chased with some gross object or creature around the house. Being teased of my height and locked out the house when I couldn't REACH to get the keys!

But then again, I was the more mischievous of the two ;)

It was this day 22 yrs ago that gave me someone to beat up :) To jump on. To run around school and harass. To take half of whatever was being eaten or shared, even if I didn't really want it. To blame things on that mysteriously went missing or broken. To take out my frustrations on ...... But this day also gave me someone to look up to. Someone to show off to all my girlfriends :) Someone to look out for me. Someone to help me with my (till this day) mental block against all things mathematics. Someone to poke and pinch when in places of worship when I got bored and the folks were busy with their eyes closed. Someone to confide in. But most of all someone to love unconditionally as my one and only sibling for the rest of my life!

To my bigger brother ---> Who doesn't look like me anymore plz thank you and though we have lots in common, can be called the opposite to his sister...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

*** :) ***

Can you know nothing?

Last night I went to bed absolutely transformed from how I felt a few hours before.

I had pulled in my oars and sent up my sails and drifted quite nicely with my selective social interactions. I freed my mind to wittiness, $hit talk and the all round hyped feel good bacchanal of a carefree Trini. I did this however with my conscience as my own private invigilator which nonetheless brought me back to this point...Where I thought to myself, 'I'm tired again, It's time to stop'.

I won't call it volatility or even skitso, it's just me allowing myself to be me. And the 'me' I speak of, is nothing or no one you can encase in a box. I've moved and jumped and merged from aspect to aspect of my personality all within the realm of how far my conscience can take me. Yet I've come to realize, this is what I prefer - The stillness, silence, deep in thought with so many questions of a child or classic brainstormer yet having it all merge into a general peaceful acceptance of life as a learning and growing experience, marked by time.

It makes me wonder though. I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, has little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.

It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.

And as quickly as I stop to express this, as quickly as this will seize to exist.

I walk alone

I can't take this anymore
and i'm almost pretty sure
i've been here before
i can't take this any longer
i won't heal until i'm stronger
strong enough to not be afraid
of what anybody thinks
of what anybody says
about the way
about the way i am
so i'll wait until the day
when those feelings fade away
then i'll make my break

I guess you had to step away
to make me want to be
a bigger man, a bigger man than that
i need you by my side
as i take it all in stride
I put away, i put away my pride

so i leave it up to you
i leave it in your hands
respect your wishes and your demands
but if it was up to me.....

everbody and everything i've known
never taught me how to stand up on my own
had to learn it from the one who let me go
now i walk alone

Selected lyrics from Olenader's I walk alone
..........

A dusted mind of books

I've been spending quite a lot of time reading 'The Rice Mother' by Rani Manicka. At this moment, the book is lying peacefully on my bed with a mere 8 pages to be devoured before I can call it a killing. Gosh...despite the circumstances, I'm really enjoying this read. So different. So real. So raw.

As I stopped to recognize my utilization of passing moments in drugged sleep and reading, my mind was lurched backward 10 years ago, to visions of me, so clear and crisp that I can almost smell it. Back to the days of a 9 year old, going on 10...

I was in Std. 5, a year ahead of the rest, having written Common Entrance early. I remember privately meeting with some teachers about the prospect of starting a school library. The idea was all well and honorable, except for the infamous problem of space. I don't know exactly how it happened, but before I knew it, in a whirlwind of passing days, there I was sitting on a ducted tapped box full of books, passing cloth over what seemed like inches of dust...steering at what became, the beginning of Grant School's first library.

It was nothing more than a corridor behind the school stage and the wall ...leading to the Principal's office. A mere 5 feet wide ...with one long shelf of books and myself sitting, there wasn't an inch left for another person to dare walk by. I was graced with a window which offered this eerie feel to the dusty hot place, as streaks of the midday sun shone into the shelves leaving behind it, a pathway through the air where the raising dust can clearly be seen.

I remember more boxes of books coming in... 2 in fact. My excitement beyond anything I could ctrl at that time. I sat for an entire day in that cramped space sorting them out and logging them. Days went by and I have a vivid vision of myself sitting on the floor reading this book about how 'brail' was first created...until one fine day I was finished.

By the time we opened our library, I had recruited 2 friends of mine to help with the lending and borrowing...and there I spent much of my last few days in school. It's amazing I never really entertained this memory until this moment. I didn’t remember even when I became a Librarian in SJC...neither when I spent countless hrs on Campus huddled in the Library.......Maybe I had forgotten…who knows. But its so real now. Such a fond memory that I now grasp unto it so tightly in an attempt to smother the pain ...of...now.

I don't want any

I've lost my apetite. It's about time. Amongst all the things I'm losing out on recently, losing the desire to eat seems the only thing I welcome.

Hmm... and of all the things that's been up lately, I chose to blog the most inconsequential piece of triviality I can muster HAHAHAHAHAHA. Some things haven't changed :)

Happy Birthday Lisa!

Believe

Nothing splendid has ever been
achievedexcept by those who dared believe that something inside them was
superior to circumstance

Health Update

I've 'fallen' terribly ill over the past few days... So I've decided to throw out a play-by-play commentary as to how/why this particular situation occurred.

1. Rheumatoid arthritis (RA) is an autoimmune disease that causes chronic inflammation of the joints and can also cause inflammation of the tissue around the joints. The immune system is a complex organization of cells and antibodies designed normally to "seek and destroy" invaders of the body, particularly infections. Patients with RA have antibodies in their blood, which target their own body tissue. (ouch)

2. One of the strongest medications used for RA treatment is Methotrexate - This I'm on. Methotrexate is a disease modifying anti-rheumatic drug (DMARD) that is often prescribed when painkillers can't do the job alone. Methotrexate is an antimetabolite. It interferes with the way cells utilize essential nutrients. As a result, Methotrexate inhibits the activity of the immune system, consequently reducing inflammation.

3. Chicken pox is a common disease caused by the varicella zoster virus. I've gotten me this 2 weeks ago.

I've placed it in Chronological order for simplicity...but this explanation I wasn't myself privy to until recently. Anyways... so here's the story.

So I got myself some muscle/tissue/tendon damage in my left hip, which led to a series of, sporadic Spasmodic attacks. That was a little over a month ago. The actual rheumatic inflammation was relatively low... but whatever that was, sent me down and out for a few weeks... with the most pain ever. I initially started a steroid course, which proved futile as it was not an inflammation flare (steroids focus on pain due to inflammation) but rather tissue damage. As the days went by, after being introduced to the right pain killers, which make life bareable, my hip, did it's own healing...

3 weeks later. I discover I have chicken pox. Much to the surprise of everyone, I seemed not to have gotten it bad @ all...even more so for someone with a suppressed immune system like my own. I was then informed that this was so because, of the steroid course I was on. The steroid is what prevented me from breaking out badly in the first place, cuz it was fighting the 'inflammation', not of my joints, but of the Pox itself.

I started taking a 5-day high dosage course of Acyclovir as soon as I was diagnosed. Acyclovir is an antiviral drug, which pretty much takes up the fight against chicken pox.

As the week progressed... all went well with respect to the Chicken Pox. My 1st breakout was as mild as ever and healing itself... making me forget I even have it in the 1st place. My RA on the other hand was slowly getting iffy.

Then the 5 days were over...no more Acyclovir. This coincided with me reaching the lowest dosage of steroid intake as I continue to wean myself off of it - and that is half a pill a day (compared to he 9 a day I started with) This ALSO coincided with the fact that It was a weekend, and on weekends I must take my Methotrexate dosage.

What does this mean? - - - - - - My immune system now had to pick up the fight all on it's own, to get rid of whatever's left of the Varicella virus from my system...while @ the same time, it was being suppressed by the Methotrexate I've been taking these past few years. Can you picture this??? The pox is enticing it to come out and fight, while the Methotrexate is trying to put it to sleep.

I started feeling the exact same symptoms I had before the Chicken Pox break out. Really TERRIBLE Headaches, nausea, irritability, lost of appetite, fever etc. It's like a re-lapse. Except now I'm very aware of it.
And my RA started flaring up too...not jus a general flare up - but that previously damaged left hip, started its spasmodic attacks, which re-tore the muscle tissue and brought back that exposed nerve into play again - which in a nutshell means - PAIN!


It's a double edge knife my ppl.

If my immune system puts up a good fight and gets rid of the Chicken Pox - I'll suffer a very very painful flare-up - with Lord alone knows what implications.

If my immune system succumbs to the Varicella virus, my flare-up will subside (eventually) but I will remain with Chicken pox for a long long time again with Lord alone knows what implications

So I got to sit this one out...or lie it out on bed. Today I woke up with such an overwhelming overall feeling of physical un-wellness... form excruciating pain and fever to nausea an headaches... that I was left with little choice but to take some painkillers and hit the bed again. I re-awoke @ 5pm. Rested and medicated, I can now type. And walk around a bit. The only thing I can do is (against my will) pump up on painkillers to make life bearable once again, as my body fights its fight and hope that my immune system turns out the winner sooner than later. Cuz seeing the doctor and going for my scheduled x-ray appointments for this hip etc, is gonna be kind hard if I'm still deemed contagious.

Between my hip damage and the Chicken Pox, I've collectively missed 5 weeks of classes for this semester. Aren't we glad it's semester break?

Everything seems so simple when made into a story.