My own hands

It's always a little disconcerting when I feel like I cannot fully trust myself with myself anymore... I am recognizing things... & I don't feel like stopping them... not right now

Simple attachment really

I just changed my blog template for the 1st time since I started it in 2003. 
I woke up from a short sweet nap, put on my laptop and opened my blog... I stared at it. I don't like it anymore. I never changed things back then for fear of loosing all my little widgets and customized html stuff. But as with everything, blogger has advanced and options are many.... so now we have it. Change is hard, it's also easy and very addictive. 

Choir of furies in your head...

So the preamble was downright emotionally humiliating! I couldn't have bared my soul anymore, laid it all down any more clearly and put myself directly at the mercy of another's God like control.

It was amazing!!! I couldn't have expected anything more. Perfectly imperfect with all the little moments of awe that flowed so naturally. Like nothing. Like everything. Leaps on the inside masked by serenity. Smile.

The aftermath was more than tears could cover. A flow like no other. Shock, hurt... an unbelievable feeling of hopelessness, regret and pretty much fury.

The Balance of Life! I do not know how I feel about this theory anymore. The truth in it brings either great unhappiness or sweet relief. The bad follows the good, follows the bad, follows the good. Sad, brings happiness, then comes sad, then happiness...

One of Sai Baba's teachings is that of Equanimity. I think I am finally understanding that in my own way. If the balance of life is inevitable, then to prevent the pivoting back and forth between extreme emotions, we should just practice equanimity.

Maybe I should be drugged up on the good herbs: remain in a constant state of calm, cool, detached observance. Nothing gets me excited. Nothing gets me sad. I just keep floating through...
I wish I was like that.

But my emotions run deep

I feel too much

I appreciate whole heartedly

I hurt hard as well

Such is the downfall of anyone who experiences an experience... & that I do.