There's always something so confusing about realization without cognitive reflection. The funny thing in my experience is that though cognition is supposed to be void of or contrasted with emotional and volitional processes, somehow, it's the latter that brings that realization to the front.
I woke up in my own bed after 58 days abroad & without a thought to what, why or how, the feeling of nothingness enveloped me in it's not so warm embrace. I didn't link it to anything of the past but for my own sanity sake, as the day weaned on & the feeling grew, I said to myself 'Ah yes, it's back to school time, sigh... & I'm not ready!' I stayed with my theory, milking it to tears, literally... until that realization came crashing down on me.
For the last 58 days I was on auto-pilot. Warping my mind into a narrow view of 'follow & be' w/o bothering to worry about worrying. I pretended with such conviction that I didn't know I was pretending anymore, that tomorrow will never come if I keep living for the now. But each now became yesterday & tomorrow was here. Though the fear was gnawing at me silently, I tried to suppress it, w/o acknowledging that there was something to be suppressed.
On the 59th day... I realized that there is nothing here devoid of responsibility and pain & I had to shatter the walls around my mind to let in all the worrisome details of life. The compromises, the angers, the hurt, the expectation & limitations. I had to weigh back in all the love, accomplishments and above all, the hope! & by God that shattering & merging was painful! The tears finally no longer unaccounted for. But it was worth it!
