Simple kinda life

I'm tired
When did everything become this complicated?
Why is it all interrelated?
I'm jaded

... & that's probably worst

Odd

I need a new outlet, not another shoulder. I thought to myself, I need something, something else... and my mind came right back to this. It's not new, but it may as well be, since I haven't been expressing myself much here in awhile.

Everyone needs a fall back plan.

I think I realized this when I found myself blogging in my head. I thought to myself that talking to myself in my head, is not entirely healthy... and worst yet, telling myself that I'm thinking that talking to myself in my head is not entirely healthy, is even worst.

I can be a recluse, I know. I can't ignore the fact that this does not affect me and me alone. But a small part of me wishes it didn't.

I end this with a quote from the book I'm currently reading "Forever Odd" by Dean Koontz:

Loneliness comes in two basic varieties. When it results from a desire for solitude, loneliness is a door we close against the world. When the world instead rejects us, loneliness is an open door, unused"

PS: The link takes you to the official Dean Koontz, Odd Thomas series page! It's kinda cool.

Let's chat till the cows come home!

Who's on your Mylime?

So Bmobile is offering it's Mylime customers unlimited free text messaging and calls between the hours of 10pm to 6am, Sunday to Sunday. I must admit, it's one of the most wonderful feelings in the world getting something free from TSTT, no strings attached!

I'm wondering however... what are the implications of this new promotion? Not to Bmobile themselves, but to us, the citizens of T&T. In economic terms, nothing is free...there's always some opportunity cost attached, in some indirect way we're paying for it all.

As a population, I can almost guarantee that the aggregate amount of sleep hours has dropped. 10pm to 6am... sounds like a good time to be awake on a Friday night perhaps, but 7 days a week? Hundreds of us out there are on the phone this very instant (2:30am) chatting away with friends, family. significant others... or sending random messages. Its the lure of doing something we don't have to pay for. Except with lack of sleep of course. Maybe, if there was a way to know, work production has decreased during the day because of more people spending time on the phone during these seemingly ungodly hours.

Oh... T&TEC will surely benefit from this. Can you imagine how many times we all need to charge our cells now? We're gonna be seeing cell phones plugged into walls constantly during the night to facilitate this unlimited talk time & insatiable need for communication. Our electricity bills might go up, but who's going to notice that? Probably only T&TEC.

On the bright side though... we're having more communication! Finally people are not faced with having to say or hear "girl, I have only 5 mins left before meh hour up eh, so finish up wha u saying quick!". Since the pressure of paying is off, I'm sure a lot of relationships have miraculously developed, endured and flourished! All because of increased communication. Maybe in some small way, we're a happier bunch of people! (unless the lack of sleep offsets it)

Can there be too much communication? I can imagine those of you who are now forced to switch your cells off or turn them on silent because of the unnecessary barrage of messages shattering the silence of your 3:53am sleep. I'm going to guess that if this is the case, then you should count your blessings to be privileged enough to be one of the limited 5 of your friends Mylime list. Friendship is always a blessing.

So... I don't know. Maybe we're sleep deprived & wasting time on the phone, but maybe we're also more socially satisfied & gaining appreciation of the people in our lives. Who knows...

I'm not going to weigh the pros & cons... but I do wish the promotion will be extended to way beyond June 15th 2008! :) *crosses fingers*

A twist to the tunks; we're all human

I heard an interesting comment today. It had me thinking... hmmm
I'm accustomed to having the following happen to me:
I say: oh man! I'm totally breaking out! Got a zit right there...
Friend say: Oh shut up! You have like perfect skin! Unlike mine...

However for the first time I got a different response to that situation:
I say: Geeze, I got a zit on my chin! A real one!
Friend say: For me that will be nothing, but with perfect skin like yours, the
slightest thing will show up, so I could imagine how you feel

*hmmm*

It's strange to get empathy, but the point is interesting... the person is
right. If someone is accustomed to having acne, then 1 extra zit would
generally go unnoticed (to others). However if you're accustomed to perfect skin then
the slightest blemish or flaw will stand out...

But showing up or not... I won't use this observation to invalidate how it
affects anyone... only the person themselves will know how much a break
out affects them, DESPITE what others will notice or care or not.
But it sure was nice having someone actually empathize with me instead of
brushing off my comment as silly in the light of comparison...
Thanks hun

The revelation of S&F

I have a bit of an addiction to Search & Find word puzzles. I started loving it at age 10 & then somehow never really invested on buying the books until I was doing A levels at age 16. Since then I've gone through countless books; word by word, page by page. I sometimes save the time I finish each one, together with the date & my signature. Nowadays, I just save the date since there's no need for my signature anymore... It's become such a ritual in my life & I'm so accustomed to my own style of solving it, that if someone decides to do 1 or 2 words from a puzzle, I would know... There's no hiding it from me! hehe

I knew I was getting too good @ it when I started finishing entire puzzles in less than 2 minutes. As soon as I cross out one, the other word becomes visible to me... there was no pause. It's like I'm in a sort of trace...

I have a preference though... I prefer puzzles that are square with the letters evenly distributed & not different spaces between rows & columns. When they're even, I just have to blur my vision & I can see all the words jumping out at me. Also, I always do them in order, from word 1 until I reach the end... I don't jump around. It takes a certain level of self ctrl to see a word & not circle it only because its further down the list.

Anyways... while doing one of the puzzles today, I just couldn't find the word 'frog'. I searched searched searched & just could not find! I reverted back to my childhood technique of going line by line, top to bottom, bottom to top... & I still couldn't find it. And then I got a revelation about life! hahaha I can think of life as a S&F puzzle... Looking @ it in the beginning, everything looks jumbled, mixed up, no order or understanding... & yet we're given a list of words to find, a list of things to fulfill, in the order of which life means it to be. Sometimes finding what we're looking for is easy... & sometimes, no matter how much we search, we just can't find it! So we think 'Maybe it's not there'... but it's there alright! Amongst all the apparent confusion & randomness, it's there right out before our eyes, yet we can't see it. So we skip it over... move on to something else in life, ignore the feat we couldn't accomplish thinking its a lost cause... When we reach the end of the list & we've ticked off 'school' 'marriage' 'job' 'child' 'icecream' 'hurt' 'pain' 'loss' etc we may think to ourselves ... 'there is just no happiness' :( But if we look closer... its there.... its meshed into & in between; the 'h' in hurt... the 'p' in pain ... the 's' in loss... It's there... but sometimes it's part of something we never thought it could be... it was there all along. We just have to find it!

I need to fly

I'm sitting in front the pc, checking mail & come across one that shows the top 15 skylines in the world. Suddenly I have this overwhelming feeling, screaming inside of me saying "I want to travel the entire world!" There is soooo much to see on this little earth of ours. 6.7 billion people... 6.7 billion lives! Amazing! I fall in the little teal colored part of the chart below.

On the 59th day...

There's always something so confusing about realization without cognitive reflection. The funny thing in my experience is that though cognition is supposed to be void of or contrasted with emotional and volitional processes, somehow, it's the latter that brings that realization to the front.

I woke up in my own bed after 58 days abroad & without a thought to what, why or how, the feeling of nothingness enveloped me in it's not so warm embrace. I didn't link it to anything of the past but for my own sanity sake, as the day weaned on & the feeling grew, I said to myself 'Ah yes, it's back to school time, sigh... & I'm not ready!' I stayed with my theory, milking it to tears, literally... until that realization came crashing down on me.

For the last 58 days I was on auto-pilot. Warping my mind into a narrow view of 'follow & be' w/o bothering to worry about worrying. I pretended with such conviction that I didn't know I was pretending anymore, that tomorrow will never come if I keep living for the now. But each now became yesterday & tomorrow was here. Though the fear was gnawing at me silently, I tried to suppress it, w/o acknowledging that there was something to be suppressed.

On the 59th day... I realized that there is nothing here devoid of responsibility and pain & I had to shatter the walls around my mind to let in all the worrisome details of life. The compromises, the angers, the hurt, the expectation & limitations. I had to weigh back in all the love, accomplishments and above all, the hope! & by God that shattering & merging was painful! The tears finally no longer unaccounted for. But it was worth it!

I don't know what to say. But a part of me wants to stay. I don't know what to do. I want to be here with you

But you're not here

Merry Christmas

I know i'm a bit late, but I just wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas!!! Seasons Greetings & enjoy the rest of 2007.

The Hurt - The Anger

Where does this rage come from?
Where does the need to hate the ones we love
come from?
Sometimes we just want to reach out & hold them in our arms
& strangle them slowly, watching them squirm & writhe in silent pain!

The following is an excerpt of a conversation instigated by the above piece of writing:

Friend says:
hmmmm
Interesting
sure that felt good to get it out huh?

Tunks says:
i felt really guilty reading it after
& guilty even writing it
but it did feel good getting it out

Friend says:
why....
u know i kinda realise sometimes we jus need to feel the anger...the hate..and den most of the times its sadness underneath it all
and we jus need to get it out

Tunks says:
YEP!
'in order to get over something, u need to get tro it first'
it applies to anger as well
sometimes I jus need to really feel it!, cuz if i pretend that im not, or out of guilt supress it, then it becomes just that... supressed
& almost ALWAYS, at the bottom of it all - is hurt
...hurt from being disappointed, feeling foolish, having expectations not met, feeling underminded or disrespected
once a feeling of anger arises - its almost always because of hurt
...even if u've hurt urself

Blue October

And when the hurt comes theres an argument,
A fight to save a smile
A small attack on human tears
To dry them for a while

A dream we all should count on ;
Yeah a vision I believe
Where confidence is found
Attached to wires on our sleeve

Where loneliness is history
Told to pack his sh*t and leave
Where guidance is a fortune
Told to help in time of need

And where crying isn't secret
It's the art of how we grieve
And lessons are the key
To every goal I will acheive

This is a excerpt of lyrics from the song "Drilled A Wire Through My Cheek" - Blue October

Unbelievable

People fascinate me.
People's ability to be rude, mean, disrespectful & downright evil...
People's ability to become detached, uncaring, seemingly oblivious & unfazed...
People's ability to hurt another person intentionally without a pang of remorse...

Fascination doesn’t cut it at all. It actually worries me... & above all, it scares me!

Why do they do it?
HOW could they do it?
Why do people do these things just because they can?

DISCLAIMER

Note to those who might decide to leave inappropriate, derogatory comments with profanity etc:

Next time, leave your correct name & contact info, not just Anonymous. Using Anonymous or any alias means you will be totally disregarded & the comment deemed to be a reflection of your own self opinion.

Sometimes...only sometimes

....Trauma. Pain. Abuse. Neglect. Loss. Illness. Grief....

Sometimes we become satisfied that the causal relationship exonerates us from any further responsibility or culpability.

Sometimes it explains everything.

Sometimes it excuses & relieves us of the responsibility for the ramifications & other damages that we do to ourselves & others.

Sometimes it's just too real.

But it's only sometimes. We choose to fill the spaces & make them wider, fuller & less frequent. We choose to recognize & recover.

We choose.

Possibility vs Certainty

This is one of my favorite quote from a book I read called 'Brick Lane' by Monica Ali

'Anything is possible, so everything I wanted was possible,but what about all the other possibilities? The ones we never see when we are young, but are there all along. One day you wake up and say to yourself, I didn't choose this. And then you spend a long time thinking, but did I?'.... 'The thing about getting older, is that you don't need everything to be possible anymore, you just need some things to be certain.'

I really love this quote!

I don't like this

I realized once again, that one of the worst feelings is being helpless, especially when the thing that is not in your control and is not fated by you, affects you directly & deeply.

How do you hand over the reigns of a decision when every fiber of your being needs an outcome favorable to you?

Where do we draw the line between 'you always have a choice' and 'have faith & trust in fate'?

Now the worst thing is waiting

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering
— Paulo Coelho:By the River Piedra I sat down and wept

No assurance

Again:

I have loved deeply before, cared deeply as well. Desired and hoped for so much...yet in the end I had to stand back to accept the reality that the extent of and sincerity of my feelings and points of view, have little impact in assuring that another person will ever know or recognize what seems so clear to me.

It all comes back down to the girl who sits with a pure heart burning with intention. She sighs deeply for all the love she received yet hadn't at the time really understood it's worth; for all the misunderstood good intentions of others and the bad; for those countless moments spent in self turmoil when a moment passed meant an intensity decreased and last but not least, for all those who felt like her, at the mercy of her doings.

I haven't forgotten - Life won't let me...

I took almost an hour tonight thinking & then looking for this entry. It was written back in early 2005.

The Irony of Happiness

You have to let go of the happiness when it still is happiness; that is the only way to preserve it. Sometimes we hold on to little bits of life hoping it would never change but the more we hold on the more it changes, and then it turns into something which is exactly the opposite to what we had. But we still hold on, and that is the memory and pain we are left with

These words have been drifting around my mind since. As I lay in bed, I took advantage of absorbing the 3am sort of silence ... the kind thats marked by more than just the absence of sound...the kind of silence in which I can actually hear the pulsation of the world around me...thats what it felt like. And these words came back to me...I can't expand on them any more than they are self explanatory.

And then I thought - If only I had known them earlier...now they're something I'll never forget

I love my blog!

Footsteps

I hear heavy footsteps walking upstairs

But who could it be?... when no one else is home except me and the person sitting across from me...

I felt this

Have you ever felt so amazingly happy and overwhelmed with a peaceful contentment that you actually felt High? Intoxicated? Drugged? Your eyes could barely open beyond a slit... your breathing gets deep and soft and your entire body melts?

The mind-body connection is fantastic!

Unofficial Ad. for Johnsons lol

What is it about baby products that get me so happy?

Johnson's and Johnson's: Baby Powder Calming lavender and chamomile, Baby Powder Vanilla and Jasmine, Baby Shampoo - no tears :D, Baby Oil, Johnsons Soothing Naturals Body and Hair wash, Johnsons Soothing Naturals Moisturizing lotion...... sigh! I love it! :D Really! I do!

I think I want them all! Johnson's mostly! (yes they got me in the 'brand loyalty' group'

The heart writes...

...and when he died...
I never thought that I could feel pain, so much
that I couldn't feel anymore
Nothing mattered...nothing was
there was nothing...
but pain

I need a game theory

Humans are habitual creatures

We get into one regime and stick to it, as long as it satisfied that need for stability and as long as it protects from that fear of the unknown. We take a new path every once in awhile and upon acceptance, we use and abuse every inch of it, far beyond the realms of what another can call appreciation...but to us, it is...and we want more.

My mother has this philosophy that coming closer to the end of vacation, and closer to when school beings once again, that we should start going to bed early, so that we can wake up early. We should start disciplining ourselves back into the regime of school life...despite still being on vacation. With this in mind, I often found myself wondering which path I should choose.

I can start going to bed early, waking up early, not taking naps during the day... or I can make the best of the last few days of academic freedom! Because if you think of it, being prepared or not, the day will come when school starts back. The day will come. It's inevitable. Smoothing into it or jumping right back in is a choice to make. Either way, 1 week or so into it all, we'll be back into the usual regime. Therefore I question, should I sacrifice my last few days of freedom and happiness just for the sake of being able to smoothly flow back into a way of life, despite knowing that that way of life will flow back into me a week or so after?

Now back to the present...am I sacrificing for the greater good or a more painless transition? Is it worth it? Is it worth giving up something I may never have again for a long long longgg time to come, just so I won't have to feel so much pain of loosing it when it does go away? Its going to end either way. It's going to hurt just the same. I don't want to sit with half the pain but with twice as much regret in knowing that 'I should have made the best of it while I can!'

That’s my choice... it's going to hurt either way. I just don't want the regret on top of it all. Life is short love. I'm not reckless, but I intend on appreciating every minute of it...

My eyes burn

Exams are over
A large part of me wish it wasn't
I could do so much more
So much better
and I'll miss you
more than much more
and more than much better
:'(

A lil update

Yesterday around this time I was capped out from sheer frustration and pain - inflammation, immobility, fevery, irritable, tireddddd & subsequently, depressed.

Today, I'm fine (At least right now)

The volatility of RA! Its the hardest thing to keep up with

Anyways, I'm in the middle of final exams right now. Spent my 21st birthday (May 8th), studying, receiving text msgs and calls and more studying. I fell asleep with my book in hand for about 2 hours. Thank goodness V woke me!

The day after my birthday was my first exam. I cried the day before, the day before that and of course, the day itself. Since when do I ever get so worked up bout an exam?

The day after my first exam was my second exam. I handled that a lot better. Who'd have thought I'd handle a Stats exam better than Econ? What has this world come to when the Tunks actually look fwd to things such as Statistics!? But really tho, I liked that Stats exam...if only we had more time...but I'm grateful!

Last night I finally started feeling better shortly before 3am! Imagine that. Waiting all day to start studying, and my body finally kicks into healthy and study mode around 3am. I did start studying around 11pm tho. I finally finished what I had aimed towards for the night, around 5am.

Right now - I have today and tomorrow to start and finish studying for Maths.
So ummm... I'm gone! :)

Oh, and THANKS everyone for all the wonderful birthday greetings and wishes!

Suffocate

I lay on bed last night... freezing cold on an average temperature night. But I couldn't breathe. Every breath was deliberate and labored. In and out...In and out... In...*hold*...out
Gosh Lord, why can't I just breathe?
I tried with my nose, then with my mouth...but I can't fall asleep with my jaw propped open just so I can breathe
I can't breathe!
As my chest constricted, and my body went weak and cold from lack of oxygen something happened to me for the first time on dry land...I started to PANIC for air! I was suffocating, wide awake, in a breezy cold room. Sheer panic... & I realized that this is a terrifying way to die... to suffocate. To not be able to breathe! Terrifying, Painful, dreadful, mortifying! No word describes how that would feel.
I don't ever want to feel that again.
Why couldn't I breathe?
I can't handle that feeling again... It scares me...too much!

NIN - Zero Sum

They're starting to open up the sky
They're starting to reach down through
And it feels like we're living in that split-second
Of a car crash
And time is slowing down
And if we only had a little more time
And this time
Is all there is
Do you remember the time we
And all the times we
And should have
And were going to
I know
And I know you remember
How we could justify it all
And we knew better
In our hearts we knew better
And we told ourselves it didn't matter
And we chose to continue
And none of that matters anymore
In the hour of our twilight
And soon it will be all said and done
And we will all be back together as one
If we will continue at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

And you never get away
And you never get to take the easy way
And all of this is a consequence
Brought on by our own hand
If you believe in that sort of thing
And did you ever really find
When you closed your eyes
Any place that was still
And at peace
And I guess I just wanted to tell you
As the light starts to fade
That you are the reason
That I am not afraid
And I guess I just wanted to mention
As the heavens will fall
We will be together soon if we
Will be anything at all

Shame on us
Doomed from the start
May God have mercy
On our dirty little hearts
Shame on us
For all we've done
And all we ever were
Just zeros and ones

What about the thin people?

In a previous post a long time ago, I remember pondering over the theory that shorter people, having less distance to the floor, falls down less because of more equilibrium and if they do fall, since their distance to the ground is not that much, that maybe the act of falling may not be as painful as with someone who is tall. hmmm...

Anyways, I was wondering recently about thin people! Do thinner people, or folks with a small body mass 'small things', feel less pain? Imagine 2 people standing side by side, one of which is twice as large as the first. Does the bigger person have more pain sensors and nerves on her body merely because of a greater area/mass? Does the small thin person have less nerves and pain sensors than the larger person? Do they feel less pain?

If a tiny thin person was to feel pain from head to toe, and we somehow transferred that pain, it its identical shape and size, to a larger person... does the pain fit 'within' the larger person, and thus the latter is not in pain from 'head to toe'? If a larger person was in pain from ‘head to toe’, would they feel more pain just because there is more of 'them' to hurt?

In 3 hours

I slept a drunk man's sleep
Out cold

I dreamt a mad man's dream
Surreal

I woke up. Glad that I was awake. No more dreams.
Yet, reality altered
Can a dream do that?
Can it?

The birds are chirping at midnight

Hi

It's been a long time since I've posted anything huh... This year I've been out of touch not just with the people who know me but also my blog.

Things have been great overall. Ups and downs - yes, but it's ok. I'm happy.

Have I found a substitute for a blog recently? Maybe I have... together with being pretty busy with school and upcoming exams, though I would admit that the latter really is an excuse from justification. I think I've found a substitute... but a part of me always pulls me back. Right here. On this blog. So... here I am.

How has the year been for everyone so far? Can you think of something happening to you now that you would not have even dreamed about just 3 months ago? If you can, then think of it as yet another sign that life is amazing!

What do we want? I always feel clashed sometimes when I'm asked to make 1 wish. Just 1 wish. Is it the thought that there's only one, or that there's only one for now. It's a time thing I think. Maybe we want to much, too soon, at the same time.

Well... it's after midnight. I'm tired. Take care :)

PS: As for my entry title, it is true. Strange...but true.