Someday I would be a flower...

I disappear

I'm listening to a few Hootie and The Blowfish songs right now - Thank you YouTube for making music so easily accessible and thank you 25mb internet connection for making songs load so easily.

On another note, I'm trying to figure out something about myself. Hmmm... I don't know why it is I want out so badly. Like... I was just waiting for a series of events to be over so I no longer have to be coasting the obligatory roles that accompany it. The immense freedom I feel now, is indescribable. But why should I want to be dis-involved? Hmmm it's almost like I can't trust that this is what I really want or if it's the m(s)adness talking. I'm really leaning towards the former though, and just questioning my intentions because ... well... my mom made out my scene. I really want to get away. Maybe it's because I know that I never really can. But my God it feels so good to just disappear from that whole scene.  

Maybe I won't stop till I get it right

My mom asked me today if I was going insane...

Tonight I cried. I cried like someone had died. 

And I let him be there for me...

The Perks of being a Wallflower

I sat outside in my porch reading till the point I needed to use my kindle case light to see.... The Perks of Being a Wallflower is going sooooooo good! I keep re-reading passages in awe. What disturbs me a little, is that... I'm really relating to the protagonist... in ways that I probably shouldn't. It's messing with my mind... The things he says, the way he thinks... It's as though I'm suddenly becoming aware that my thoughts maybe aren't that unusual... But then again, Charlie is supposedly a very odd character... and now 45% into the book, I'm realizing that he's maybe as unwell as I am.... (hmm) There are so many passages and paragraphs that I want to quote but I won't... not as yet. Maybe when I finish the book. I see they're making it into a Movie in 2012... I can't wait to see it! It's a YA novel... I can't imagine reading this when I was younger. The timing right NOW... is perfect

The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen (Boyce Avenue acoustic cover)

My most favorite song of all time! (loved it since it came out in 1997) ... here is a cover version which amazingly enough, I'm absolutely in love with as well:



♩ ♪ ♫


When I was young I knew everything
She, a punk who rarely ever took advice
Now I'm gilt stricken, sobbing with my head on the floor
Stop a baby's breath and a shoe full of rice now

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

My best friend took a week's vacation to forget her
His girl took a weeks' worth of Valium and slept
Now he's guilt stricken sobbing with his head on the floor
Thinks about her now and how he never really wept he says

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen

We've tried to wash our hands of all this
We never talk of our lacking relationships
And how we're guilt stricken sobbing with our heads on the floor
We fell through the ice when we tried not to slip, we'd say

I can't be held responsible
Cause she was touching her face
I won't be held responsible
She fell in love in the first place

For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
We were merely freshmen


♩ ♪ ♫


To download the Original Song, click here: The Verve Pipe - The Freshmen MP3

The Calm

"They made us participate in their own madness, because we couldn't help but retrace their steps, rethink their thoughts, and see that none of them led to us. We couldn't imagine the emptiness of a creature who put a razor to her wrists and opened her veins, the emptiness and the calm" - The Virgin Suicides

The whosh of blood in my head is so loud. If my contained behaviour is so disturbing then imagin what you will think if you saw me now. I want all this to end. I don't want anymore. I can't handle it and I can't handle you! :'( ... I just want out, please. Please...

Dear Universe

What..de..Yam! I don't get it! Universe... what are u doing?? Twists & turns so many, I can't keep up. Why must you be so awesomely confusing? :-/ I am barely allowed to recognize a change or grasp it's meaning before another one stems out of it. It's as though all developments spiral onto each other at the same time and feed off each other and build on each other at the same time.

Not a moment passes from a specific, stated desire before you throw the most ironic string of events my way.

You must think I can handle this all... I pray you're not mistaken. But are you ever really?

Writing is a socially acceptable form of getting naked in public  - Paulo Coelho

THIS is all in living

I was lying on bed feeling overwhelmed: scared, anxious, skeptical, worried & spiraling down into a range of negative emotions about doing something - from scratch - dropping everything I did before & following my dream. Going somewhere that has sooooooooooooo many bitter sweet memories and essentially taking the hardest route possible in my range of choices. A true challenge to myself. Then out of no where... these words came to me with such force & with so much emotion behind it that I just HAD to write it down. I pulled out my iTouch and at that 4am hour, this is what I wrote:

This is part of my life!! It's not something that I'm just trying to finish, it's something I am going to experience! To actually live each step 1 at a time. I am where I am supposed to be. Each moment is in itself a destination. I don't have to worry or fear that i don't have it all figured out. I don't have to be afraid. I just need to go and live! Why feel bad? Why rush? Life does not start when you [omitted text]. Life begins NOW. Life always has been and I can't keep waiting in fear. This is my experience. It is my life. It is my now. One step at a time. Everything is as it should be. You'll be great!! :)

Sent from my iPod


I never want to forget this. It was as if God was speaking to me. Or out of no where, with no stimulation what so ever, I tapped into some sort of deep seated knowledge sleeping inside of me...or a spark of the universal truth just burst into my brain. I cannot describe it. But I want to keep remembering this.

Part of a letter to a friend

Maybe I am somewhere so deep & I'm so accustom to that I can't fathom the possibility of there being a better brighter alternative? ... It's hard to grasp. Can we become COMFORTABLE with pain & sadness to the point it really does become the norm?

Let me be

I don't wanna go... I don't wanna be anything more than whatever it takes to just stay here on bed . I need there to be a way to not go.

Alien Ant Farm - Attitude

All you see is red lights behind me

Maybe this isn't what you wanted baby

and I don't blame you falling backwards

No one's ever quite confused you this way

and all this time we wasted away

The never ending cycle

Maybe this is why we just can't be totally Good
Because I can't deal with how much I hate the fact that I love you
And the subtleties of that vibe will forever stand in our way
As long as I feel it
And I'll keep feeling the hate of love as long as we're not good
How's that for ironic? (youmotherfuckingasshole)

You have this inexplicable ability to .... me

Is it enough for you to kill me?

Is it okay if I died?

If your fear becomes a wordless darkness...

"I must say a word about fear. It is life's only true opponent. Only fear can defeat life. It is a clever, treacherous adversary, how well I know. It has no decency, respects no law or convention, shows no mercy. It goes for your weakest spot, which it finds with unerring ease. It begins in your mind, always. One moment you are feeling calm, self-possessed, happy. Then fear, disguised in the garb of mild- mannered doubt, slips into your mind like a spy. Doubt meets disbelief and disbelief tries to push it out. But disbelief is a poorly armed foot soldier. Doubt does away with it with little trouble. You become anxious. Reason comes to do battle for you. You are reassured. Reason is fully equipped with the latest weapons technology. But, to your amazement, despite superior tactics and a number of undeniable victories, reason is laid low. You feel yourself weakening, wavering. Your anxiety becomes dread. Fear next turns fully to your body, which is already aware that something terribly wrong is going on. Already your lungs have flown away like a bird and your guts have slithered away like a snake. Now your tongue drops dead like an opossum, while your jaw begins to gallop on the spot. Your ears go deaf. Your muscles begin to shiver as if they had malaria and your knees to shake as though they were dancing. Your heart strains too hard, while your sphincter relaxes too much. And so with the rest of your body. Every part of you, in the manner most suited to it, falls apart. Only your eyes work well. They always pay proper attention to fear.

Quickly you make rash decisions. You dismiss your last allies: hope and trust. There, you've defeated yourself. Fear, which is but an impression, has triumphed over you. The matter is difficult to put into words. For fear, real fear, such as shakes you to your foundation, such as you feel when you are brought face to face with your mortal end, nestles in your memory like a gangrene: it seeks to rot everything, even the words with which to speak of it. So you must fight hard to express it. You must fight hard to shine the light of words upon it. Because if you don't, if your fear becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, perhaps even manage to forget, you open yourself to further attacks of fear because you never truly fought the opponent who defeated you."

From the book Life of Pi by Yann Martel

I sink into myself

I can't think. I can't make decisions. The mere idea of making plans and decisions and any sort of activity that requires mental and physical energy is overwhelming me. I had to send out an email inviting people to an upcoming event and it took everything out of me to gather myself and my thoughts and TRY, really try to type the email up with some sort of coherence far less vitality.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything. I feel unbelievably listless. A friend was simply asking me some questions regarding my mom and plans for this weekend and fathers day and what time I'm going to wake up tomorrow and I SWEAR to God, I started feeling a kind of ZAP in my brain!!! An actual physical neurological zap feeling in my head, like a flash of light that HURT... and I got so overwhelmed I just started to cry. I started to F****** CRY because I had to THINK to answer questions??? What the hell is wrong with me?

I need to start back school. I'm even dreaming about it. I'm dreaming myself in new apartments renting outside UWI. I'm reading about options and worrying myself sick with trying to figure out what to do, what I want... but then there comes a point where I just fall OFF. I go go go... develop in my thoughts and yearning... and as soon as it reaches where I need to actually do something, it stops. I can't. I can't function. I just sink back into myself.

I can't make plans. I can't organize anything. I have a meeting coming up and I must go. We're meeting to make plans and organize things. What am I going to do? *sighs*

I'm scared... I keep crying. Everything is so difficult. Getting dressed makes me tired. The idea of getting dressed makes me tired. I don't want to do anything. & that scares me...

Fight me

Just thinking about you makes me feel sick. My stomach in knots, my chest heavy, my head starts spinning and tears threaten to escape. You're like a disease; a horrible horrible affliction that's fueled by addiction and clearly I'm a rebelling masochist fighting against my own masochistic nature of loving you.

If I'm fighting against myself and I win... did I really lose? 

If you knew how much this was hurting me, would you do things differently?

The Knife - Live - Heartbeats

♪ ♫ ♩ ♬

And you, you knew the hand of a devil
And you kept us awake with wolves teeth
Sharing different heartbeats in one night

♡ ❤ ❥ ♡ ♥ ღ ɞ

Black Hole

Dilated pupil ... in broad daylight

Am I high?

I woke up this morning... floating. My body was bobbing around, spinning, drifting around and around and upside down. My limbs were resting on a cloud of nothingness. It was so sooooo unbelievably amazing.
I wasn't moving though... I was just lying there, physically dead to the world, but floating around effortlessly on the inside. I had to force myself awake... I could barely open my eyes.


My head... my head was pounding. I didn't want to wake up.


I eventually got downstairs, made a cuppa coffee and sat down............... I covered it and went right back on bed. After awhile I opened back my eyes and noticed that all moving objects had a trail behind it. Like those cursor options you get on your computer, to leave a trail. 


At this very moment, it's still happening. A trail *moves my hand* ... yup... a trail!


Mom asked me what drugs I'm taking. Dad thinks I'm getting sick. But I'm okie... 


My pupils are still dilated

Dilated

Oh Jesus
In my entire life, I've never seen my pupils this dilated
I actually, shocked myself! I stood over the sink last night, brushing my teeth and I watched myself in the mirror... & like something out of the movies, I did a double take! like 'wait, what?!' ...... I stared into my own eyes and thought 'what the hell!' ............. 'I must be imagining things'
Later that night, I lay down next to mom on bed and was watching her eyes and I suddenly had an idea!
'WAIT' I said
I ran into another room, scrambling around looking for a little mirror.
I got one and came back next to her..... we faced the exact same light and I watched her eyes..... then watched mine....


HUGE DARK HOLES INTO MY SOUL!!!


My eyes were super dilated!!!
Now tonight, I've actually been told that I look 'drunk' or 'high' or 'on something' ...
You should see my EYES!!!

This is a pretty accurate example

You gave me something that I didn't have

I love to share. Many of you know that... I'm always giving things. I can't not! I just... want to. If I can, I will.


But do you even know that I love to share of myself? I walk that line between being afraid to show it and wanting to just bare it all. Sometimes I just want to share who I am... what I'm going through... what I think... how I feel. Sometimes I want to just listen and be there for others.


I have so much to offer... and the ones that I give to... will inevitably fall away. I share me... I lose you.

Progress... Tragedy

A quote from a friend's blog The Heights and The Lows, re-posted to my blog:

The progress of the world lies in man’s innate desire to possess that which he is denied by all forms of convention and constraint. The tragedy of the world is that man always loses appreciation for that which he possesses.

Maybe I should start my meds tonight 

You attract what you fear

I became everything I never wanted to... 
...and did all the things I said I never would... 
...and lost exactly what it is I feared losing. 
Good job Tunks. 
You master self-sabotage. 
Now onto a less painful life lesson... 
(before you stop living)

Mute May

A month without blogging ...
I guess some things really don't change. When life becomes most crazy and I have the most the say... it's the one time I say nothing. Nothing now, can possibly describe the last month I've had