My maid has been in and around a lot these days - cleaning this perpetually cluttered house.
While packing back the space-saver, with the use of our mini ladder, she said
"see, it's not a good thing when you're so short"
I wondered if short people fell down easier than tall people.
I wondered if tall people fell down easier than short people.
I wondered if it hurt them as much if they fell, as a tall person will hurt.
I wondered if having less body mass means less areas to hurt if they did fall.
I wondered when little kids fell flat on their bottom while trying to roller-skate, if it hurt less than adults because they had a shorter distance to fall.
Then I shook myself out of that thought provoking trance and thought once again
'You really think too much when you're bored gurl"
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Sunday, November 20, 2005
The play on pain
My tummy is growling. Its exactly midday, and my food will be on its way soon. yay. The human body is an amazing thing, and in saying so, I cannot ignore the body-mind connection. My stomach is empty, my belly growls, and I know I'm hungry. Imagine a world were you had no idea when your body needed nourishment again. There's no sensation to tell you that you are hungry and must eat. Maybe in the eyes of an anorexic, this is already their reality, but think about it.
I remembered reading in one of my first Biology books that a person feels pain as a result of the body trying to tell us that something is wrong. Later on in life, I heard of a disease called Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA)- which in short means the person cannot feel pain. There are only about 100 persons in the world who suffer from CIPA - an ultra rare disease, which deprives an individual of such an important natural protection as pain. Therefore, it is known that those people, who do not feel any pain at all, usually die before they turn 25. That’s a really scary thought.
So I checked the dictionary for the meaning of that all too common word: Pain - 'An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.' I know I know pain. My body sensitivity is higher than average yet I can handle serious pain. Maybe its because I grew up actually liking experimenting with the various types and degrees of pain...experiencing each sensation and testing my self control. Some may find that odd or disturbing...but the villain in Dean Koont'z 'Intensity' sure didn't. Then again, you've got to read the book to understand.
Now, in the midst of all pain that I'm experiencing, I've passed that thin line between pleasure and pain and felt myself falling into that abyss of pure bliss. Its a moment when pain is so intense, so sharp, and so sudden that just for a few seconds - you feel nothing. The world gets dim...like the process of a light bulb being switched off, in slow motion...and then it gets blurry, like tears screening your sight. And just for that moment, your head goes light and your body just 'is'. As I engulf myself in the darkness, I can't help but smile. Its a beautiful experience. (aka, black out)
Then in other moments of desperation, my mind wanders back to High school Biology and my rationalization turns dangerously black and white: The body creates pain when its trying to tell me that something's wrong (check) I feel the pain so I know that something's wrong (check)... why then, now that I know, doesn't the pain go away? - If only things were so easy.
I remembered reading in one of my first Biology books that a person feels pain as a result of the body trying to tell us that something is wrong. Later on in life, I heard of a disease called Congenital Insensitivity to Pain with Anhidrosis (CIPA)- which in short means the person cannot feel pain. There are only about 100 persons in the world who suffer from CIPA - an ultra rare disease, which deprives an individual of such an important natural protection as pain. Therefore, it is known that those people, who do not feel any pain at all, usually die before they turn 25. That’s a really scary thought.
So I checked the dictionary for the meaning of that all too common word: Pain - 'An unpleasant sensation occurring in varying degrees of severity as a consequence of injury, disease, or emotional disorder.' I know I know pain. My body sensitivity is higher than average yet I can handle serious pain. Maybe its because I grew up actually liking experimenting with the various types and degrees of pain...experiencing each sensation and testing my self control. Some may find that odd or disturbing...but the villain in Dean Koont'z 'Intensity' sure didn't. Then again, you've got to read the book to understand.
Now, in the midst of all pain that I'm experiencing, I've passed that thin line between pleasure and pain and felt myself falling into that abyss of pure bliss. Its a moment when pain is so intense, so sharp, and so sudden that just for a few seconds - you feel nothing. The world gets dim...like the process of a light bulb being switched off, in slow motion...and then it gets blurry, like tears screening your sight. And just for that moment, your head goes light and your body just 'is'. As I engulf myself in the darkness, I can't help but smile. Its a beautiful experience. (aka, black out)
Then in other moments of desperation, my mind wanders back to High school Biology and my rationalization turns dangerously black and white: The body creates pain when its trying to tell me that something's wrong (check) I feel the pain so I know that something's wrong (check)... why then, now that I know, doesn't the pain go away? - If only things were so easy.
Thursday, November 03, 2005
In knowing...
I reflect upon the first part of this entry and thus continue:
It doesn't go away. The things I actively try to supress just proves to me that I'm defeating the purpose. If you try to make something go away, if you try to keep it quiet and hope it amounts to nothing...it is then that you know that it's real. In knowing this, for once, the cloud of confusing and dissonance vanishes and I feel okie. In telling others of this reality, in confessing - it doesn't always mean we need help or advice, approval or dissaproval... we just need acceptance. Not for someone to accept your decisions or feelings as being right, but for that person to accept you, and walk with you in peace, even if they disagree.
But most importantly, I need to be at peace, no matter if its wrong or right...I will give myself the option to choose, and it's in knowing I have a choice, that I smile once again.
Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...
It doesn't go away. The things I actively try to supress just proves to me that I'm defeating the purpose. If you try to make something go away, if you try to keep it quiet and hope it amounts to nothing...it is then that you know that it's real. In knowing this, for once, the cloud of confusing and dissonance vanishes and I feel okie. In telling others of this reality, in confessing - it doesn't always mean we need help or advice, approval or dissaproval... we just need acceptance. Not for someone to accept your decisions or feelings as being right, but for that person to accept you, and walk with you in peace, even if they disagree.
But most importantly, I need to be at peace, no matter if its wrong or right...I will give myself the option to choose, and it's in knowing I have a choice, that I smile once again.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Happy Divali
Divali Greetings to everyone!
I haven't blogged in awhile, and considering all the other options of recent experiences, I'm really glad I can re-enter this blogger's life on a Bright note... The festival of lights!!!
God Bless :)
This lovely picture is curtesy mayarobeach.com
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Typical Irrational Beliefs
We must be loved by everyone and everyone must approve of everything we do.
We must be thoroughly competent, adequate, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects.
Certain acts are wrong or wicked or villainous, and people who perform them should be severely punished.
It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as we would like them to be.
Unhappiness is the result of external events and happenings that are focused on us and that we have no control over.
We should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center our thinking on them until the danger has passed.
It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities in life than to face them.
We need someone or something stronger than ourselves to rely on.
Because something greatly influenced us in the past, it must determine our present behavior: the influence of the past cannot be overcome.
What other people do is vitally important to us, and we should make every effort to change them to be the way we think they should be.
There is one perfect solution to every problem, and if it is not found, the results will be terrible.
One has virtually no control over her emotions; she is their victim and cannot help how she feels.
My mom was rummaging through an old handbag and threw a yellow creased sheet of paper for me and told me to read - and this is what I found. "Typical Irrational Beliefs" - As I read each one, my breathing slowed as my heart pumped faster... it all made sense. Perfect sense. Subconsciously, some of these are my own, though I try to rationalize them to become more realistic.
We must be thoroughly competent, adequate, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects.
Certain acts are wrong or wicked or villainous, and people who perform them should be severely punished.
It is a terrible catastrophe when things are not as we would like them to be.
Unhappiness is the result of external events and happenings that are focused on us and that we have no control over.
We should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things and must center our thinking on them until the danger has passed.
It is easier to avoid difficulties and responsibilities in life than to face them.
We need someone or something stronger than ourselves to rely on.
Because something greatly influenced us in the past, it must determine our present behavior: the influence of the past cannot be overcome.
What other people do is vitally important to us, and we should make every effort to change them to be the way we think they should be.
There is one perfect solution to every problem, and if it is not found, the results will be terrible.
One has virtually no control over her emotions; she is their victim and cannot help how she feels.
.............
My mom was rummaging through an old handbag and threw a yellow creased sheet of paper for me and told me to read - and this is what I found. "Typical Irrational Beliefs" - As I read each one, my breathing slowed as my heart pumped faster... it all made sense. Perfect sense. Subconsciously, some of these are my own, though I try to rationalize them to become more realistic.
Thursday, September 29, 2005
Words, Images & Memory
Twice during High School, a learning institute came in to do special classes to teach students how to study, learn and excel overall academically. I stayed back for just one of the countless classes, and remembered distinctly being taught how to read a passage or chapter and make notes. One thing that struck me then was the advice to not read silently at the same pace you will read as if reading out loud. Now that’s understandable. But the trick was, to not hear the words in your head in your own voice as if you really were reading out loud. To not pay attention to each word and character and more or less ‘skim’ to the important parts. At that moment I knew that I was destined to never become a speedy reader.
I recently finished reading a book directed at self-healing and body/mind connection called Dreamhealer – A guide to Self Empowerment. This book leaned heavily on the power of visualization. The author explained the differentiation between thought patters that are naturally pictorial or naturally narrative. Some people see clear pictures while visualizing, while some people hear their own thought narrating what is happening, rather than just seeing it. It was then that I realized I’m mostly the latter.
I couldn’t visualize something, make belief, imagine or whatever you want to call it, without hearing my voice speaking to me, creating the image through words. However, when it comes to recalling, I display a mixture of both. Here comes the tricky part… I have a Photogenic memory when it comes to words, and a Narrative memory when it comes to images. Ironic? In form 3 Spanish lessons, the teacher asked the meaning of some word, but I couldn’t remember it, yet I saw the image clearly in my mind, so I said to her “That’s in the small yellow box on the bottom left hand corner of page 53, it’s the 3rd word of the 4” Can you imagine her surprise? Of course she was both stunned and disappointed that I can remember all that detail yet not remember the actual word.
The written word versus the spoken word: I am a lot more moved and affected by reading things as words, than hearing it from the people themselves. I can recall an msn chat for example, word for word, where the spaces were, if it was capital or common letters, the amount of ellipses and where and when the person pressed enter etc…and that ‘skill’ disturbs me considerably sometimes since it makes online chatting a very emotionally and mentally charged event. I’ve come to realize that once read, I can see and feel everything, the image is imbedded in me, there’s no dry cut narration in my mind, but sharp images that stay with me. Horrible things that were typed to me via chat or email affected me many times more than the things I heard with my own ears. Hmmm…
I notice patterns of speech and typing, character usage and online quirks very easily from reading how people write. It comes so naturally that I dare not call it obsessive.
This can be the major reason why I much rather read books than watch movies. That’s just me :) Now I’ve come to realize how difficult it is to actually visualize with your intentions on the unknown and beyond without the limitations of speech.
What are your thought patterns like?
I recently finished reading a book directed at self-healing and body/mind connection called Dreamhealer – A guide to Self Empowerment. This book leaned heavily on the power of visualization. The author explained the differentiation between thought patters that are naturally pictorial or naturally narrative. Some people see clear pictures while visualizing, while some people hear their own thought narrating what is happening, rather than just seeing it. It was then that I realized I’m mostly the latter.
I couldn’t visualize something, make belief, imagine or whatever you want to call it, without hearing my voice speaking to me, creating the image through words. However, when it comes to recalling, I display a mixture of both. Here comes the tricky part… I have a Photogenic memory when it comes to words, and a Narrative memory when it comes to images. Ironic? In form 3 Spanish lessons, the teacher asked the meaning of some word, but I couldn’t remember it, yet I saw the image clearly in my mind, so I said to her “That’s in the small yellow box on the bottom left hand corner of page 53, it’s the 3rd word of the 4” Can you imagine her surprise? Of course she was both stunned and disappointed that I can remember all that detail yet not remember the actual word.
The written word versus the spoken word: I am a lot more moved and affected by reading things as words, than hearing it from the people themselves. I can recall an msn chat for example, word for word, where the spaces were, if it was capital or common letters, the amount of ellipses and where and when the person pressed enter etc…and that ‘skill’ disturbs me considerably sometimes since it makes online chatting a very emotionally and mentally charged event. I’ve come to realize that once read, I can see and feel everything, the image is imbedded in me, there’s no dry cut narration in my mind, but sharp images that stay with me. Horrible things that were typed to me via chat or email affected me many times more than the things I heard with my own ears. Hmmm…
I notice patterns of speech and typing, character usage and online quirks very easily from reading how people write. It comes so naturally that I dare not call it obsessive.
This can be the major reason why I much rather read books than watch movies. That’s just me :) Now I’ve come to realize how difficult it is to actually visualize with your intentions on the unknown and beyond without the limitations of speech.
What are your thought patterns like?
Saturday, September 17, 2005
4 lines
Come to me, please
Never stray from these familiar grounds
I would hold you to myself, always
For this selfish need to satisfy you
8/21/2005
Never stray from these familiar grounds
I would hold you to myself, always
For this selfish need to satisfy you
8/21/2005
Tuesday, September 06, 2005
Thanks to Fridge Magnets
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
It was almost 2am this morning when I poured me a glass of water to take some night time vitamins in preperation to head to bed......when my eyes fell on the Desiderata printed and stuck up on my fridge door....and standing there in the dead of the morning silence, I took the time to read it.... line by line. I didn't realize how much I needed to remind myself of it's wisdom in words and lessons on life.....
Smiling I went up to bed :)
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.
It was almost 2am this morning when I poured me a glass of water to take some night time vitamins in preperation to head to bed......when my eyes fell on the Desiderata printed and stuck up on my fridge door....and standing there in the dead of the morning silence, I took the time to read it.... line by line. I didn't realize how much I needed to remind myself of it's wisdom in words and lessons on life.....
Smiling I went up to bed :)
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
Abuse
There are a few things in this word that seriously disturb me. And I mean this on a deep, painful level... One of which would be discrimination...especially that of racism. This hits home for I've suffered the consequences of the ignorant, close-minded, stereotypical workings of those who affect the circumstances I live under... ahh... But that’s a different story.
What bothers me now is an image imbedded in my head a few days now...One of the other really disturbing pieces of life that I just can't come to terms with. And that is a parent, verbally and physically abusing their children (in public) reeking of absolute ignorance and lack of understanding. This mother, who seemed a bit on the loose screws side, was raucously shouting at and threatening her 4year old daughter with a belt, for every single thing that she said and did. She wanted something to drink... the mother grabbed her and hit her shouting to her as to why she has to be so difficult and why she has to be thirsty. The girl asked for water...the mother took the belt and beat her this time, screaming at her to drink mauby. The girl then wanted to sit down on a free seat and the mother screamed at her to come and lie down and sleep and hit her again. Every single thing she child did or didn't do, this mother is breaking out in her abusive ways, 'roughing up' the girl, and then blatantly turning to everyone else in the room and complaining that the place so hot and the journey taking so long.
Now we were all on a boat on the way back to Trinidad, about 5 families in that part of tourist class, all with kids. The other mothers were looking on at this irate woman and no one said a thing. People are trying to take a nap or eat or have some quality family fun...and this woman just goes on, abusing that little girl, for no apparent reason…and quite loudly too.
I'm not one to judge and I tried at first to see things from the mother's point of view... but after awhile it was more than obvious that what I was witnessing was just down right wrong. I prayed for God to bless the mother with patience and understanding and the little girl to not be affected negatively. It's not my place to seem condescending, but I said that pray with honest sincerity. The whole situation left a burning sick feeling in my stomach. I've seen it many times... parents walking with children on the street. The child stumbles and the mother grabs him, hits him and quarrels about the fact that he fell. I mean... how can people do that? Why?
What bothers me now is an image imbedded in my head a few days now...One of the other really disturbing pieces of life that I just can't come to terms with. And that is a parent, verbally and physically abusing their children (in public) reeking of absolute ignorance and lack of understanding. This mother, who seemed a bit on the loose screws side, was raucously shouting at and threatening her 4year old daughter with a belt, for every single thing that she said and did. She wanted something to drink... the mother grabbed her and hit her shouting to her as to why she has to be so difficult and why she has to be thirsty. The girl asked for water...the mother took the belt and beat her this time, screaming at her to drink mauby. The girl then wanted to sit down on a free seat and the mother screamed at her to come and lie down and sleep and hit her again. Every single thing she child did or didn't do, this mother is breaking out in her abusive ways, 'roughing up' the girl, and then blatantly turning to everyone else in the room and complaining that the place so hot and the journey taking so long.
Now we were all on a boat on the way back to Trinidad, about 5 families in that part of tourist class, all with kids. The other mothers were looking on at this irate woman and no one said a thing. People are trying to take a nap or eat or have some quality family fun...and this woman just goes on, abusing that little girl, for no apparent reason…and quite loudly too.
I'm not one to judge and I tried at first to see things from the mother's point of view... but after awhile it was more than obvious that what I was witnessing was just down right wrong. I prayed for God to bless the mother with patience and understanding and the little girl to not be affected negatively. It's not my place to seem condescending, but I said that pray with honest sincerity. The whole situation left a burning sick feeling in my stomach. I've seen it many times... parents walking with children on the street. The child stumbles and the mother grabs him, hits him and quarrels about the fact that he fell. I mean... how can people do that? Why?
Monday, August 29, 2005
The Eye - part 2
(Name suggestions for this piece of art are welcomed)
This is the 2nd eye I drew... I did this with a 6b pencil.
If you look closely into the iris... you'll see something I attempted to add on. Let me know if you can see it....
Its the theme of oldage, death and fear.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
The first at last begins
Writer's block is far more commonly found in the presence of too much, not too little will. -- Victoria Nelson
A fellow blogger passed on an article to me on writers block after I complained senselessly about feeling the symptoms. That quote extracted stopped me in my tracks … and that’s an amazing thing since I’ve been running full speed on the reading track while my writers’ shoes lay collecting dust. Ah but with that said, I think this falls a bit in my garden… ok maybe not, its smack down in the center of my plate. This overwhelming will to say something and not being able to find the words has been giving me a headache… or is it the other way around?
A few weeks ago I came off some steroids, which has been in my system for over a year or so… and since then I’ve been battling with the withdrawal symptoms. One of them I didn’t anticipate was the super painful headaches, which once begun, hasn’t till this day seemed to have properly stopped. A ‘brewing headache’ as someone had put it… was what I found myself with. Still I refused to take anything for it. The pain pulsates and oozes slowly from around the optic nerves and at the back of my head and slowly… very slowly begins to radiate throughout. It’s reached a point where my head was sensitive to the actual physical touch. Hmmm… I’ll say that sucks big time.
It was today however, that the doctor revealed to me that I’ve been suffering from the infamous enemy of many… Migraines. Who would have thought? Probably everyone who witnessed my misery and not myself, but oh well. Things should be better soon.
I had stopped blogging about ‘what’s really going on’ or ‘whaz d real scene’. I think I needed to ease up on being my greatest critic and start become my favorite fan as well… It's all good :)
Sunday, August 21, 2005
Self titled
Over the past 10 years I've off and on kept a written account of the happenings of my life and whatever thoughts or feelings associated with them. Long rants and speculations, short outbursts of direct statements, paragraphs of poetry and lyrics skewed from page to page... and at times the ingenious use of just one word to express everything. Yet I’m never satisfied… At the end of it all, I always know that I’ve left, leaving and probably always will leave so much unsaid and words unspoken will remain as it is; unspoken.
But life goes on…and I love life for that. But one day, maybe I’ll write me a book.
For now though, I’ll type with one hand and suck this corn cub (now that I’ve eaten all the corn off it) allowing my mind to wander again...To where... :) ...I'd rather not say. Somethings are easier done than said...or in it's silence, it safer.
But life goes on…and I love life for that. But one day, maybe I’ll write me a book.
For now though, I’ll type with one hand and suck this corn cub (now that I’ve eaten all the corn off it) allowing my mind to wander again...To where... :) ...I'd rather not say. Somethings are easier done than said...or in it's silence, it safer.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Crush
At this very moment, a good friend and I are talking about the good ole days of childhood crushes :) ... its a really beautiful bittersweet feeling remembering those days of unadulterated, nonperverse, pure and innocent crushes on that person who just so happened to be your bestest friend in the whole wide world!
*sigh* :)
*sigh* :)
Saturday, August 13, 2005
The eye: part 1
(Name suggestions for this piece of art are welcomed)
This is one of my older and defining pieces. It's personally my favorite and somewhat of a trademark of all things tunks :)I really enjoyed the 'work in progress' process 'cause it mainly entailed me sitting at my desk peering into the depts of my soul! Ah yes folks, I used the mirror to work the details.
I wish I had scanned it straight though :p ... Stay tuned for part 2 of the eye drawing saga :)
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
We know, don't we?
Think:
Something is up. You're thinking along certain lines or entertaining possible decisions. In your mind, you can think it through, give reasons or non reasons...make it all seem perfectly okie. Yet at the end of the day, when you're chatting away with your friends, you realize... you can't tell anyone. You shouldn't be embarassed right? No... You tell yourself that they won't understand... but deep inside you know that they understand just as much as you do... and they're gonna tell you exactly what you've been trying not to tell yourself. Being repremanded just adds further guilt. Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...
We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...
Something is up. You're thinking along certain lines or entertaining possible decisions. In your mind, you can think it through, give reasons or non reasons...make it all seem perfectly okie. Yet at the end of the day, when you're chatting away with your friends, you realize... you can't tell anyone. You shouldn't be embarassed right? No... You tell yourself that they won't understand... but deep inside you know that they understand just as much as you do... and they're gonna tell you exactly what you've been trying not to tell yourself. Being repremanded just adds further guilt. Hearing from others will make it suddenly real... but you don't wanna make it real... It's still in your head. Such convenient denial... convenient silence...Maybe it'll all go away... flow into time... become nothing...
We know, don't we? The difference between right and wrong...
Monday, August 08, 2005
Wassup?
Hey
How's everyone doing?
It's been awhile huh...
It's a new month! August is here... Its hard to believe...
Just the other day it was March. wow.
This can equally be called the most eventful and uneventful few months of my life...Really.
So again. How you doin folks?
How's everyone doing?
It's been awhile huh...
It's a new month! August is here... Its hard to believe...
Just the other day it was March. wow.
This can equally be called the most eventful and uneventful few months of my life...Really.
So again. How you doin folks?
Monday, July 25, 2005
The last poem
On the 9th of May 2004, I wrote this. This was the last poem I've writen, after a string of poetry over the last 8 years or so. A few days ago I wondered to myself why it is I stopped writing them... I think one reason was that after this one was writen, there was nothing else left in me to express exactly how I felt. To me, at the time, this poem was the most honest and representative piece of literature that there was...with respect to a seemingly endless period of my life. It all started when upon reflextion of a now forgotten conversation, the following line just popped into my head "Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception" ... The rest just poured out of me...and much to my surprise, it was the most rhyming poem I've ever written, even in it's emotional accuracy. I couldn't think of a name for it... but I one day just simply called it ... 'us'
Us
We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.
Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......
Us
We test our boundaries, or so we claim
A never-ending, overwhelming whirlpool of pleasure and pain
We look to the heart, screaming no words, veiled by self-deception
Speak not to me, but to the reflection of your warped perception
Yet it is yours to perceive, or so you believe
The added confidence of blatant negativity so unreal
Succumbing to no logical reason, no time no season
To justify everything on the grounds of expressing how you feel
Now our expression is smothered, with confusion its covered
Writhing in our minds, squirming, bleeding our hearts never disconnected
But then I just fall, broken, defeated from heights marveled at being so affected
Amazed beyond recognition, by your stubborn convictions
When I see not through the eyes of your angered expectations
There somehow never seems a moment of us untainted
With shadows of all our beliefs, contraries and hopes
Fears and restrictions, undermined by attempted perfections
Lost, as we have woken now with the consequences of all that we've waited.
.............
Now, I can allow myself to write again for what has been said, has been done...and now my mind wanders a new road with a perfect view of those trodden before and unhindered access to the memory of each step.......
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Musical Baton
Created by and obtained from marlc
Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)
The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning
Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence
"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)
Total volume of music files on my computer:
3.9 GB (Not including the desktop or external HD or 103GB backed up on external media)
The last CD I bought was:
TDK CD-R 48x 80 min. 700MB for computer burning
Song playing right now:
* Natalie Merchant - Ophelia
Also the name of the album that's playing & an excellent one too
* Creed - Is this the end
This is playing on the other PC right next to me - I need to find some headphones - the clashing music not working
Five songs I listen to a lot, or that mean a lot to me:
Vitamin R (Leading Us Along) - Chevelle
My Skin - Natalie Merchant
Best of You - Foo Fighters
The Freshmen - Vervepipe
Missing - Evanescence
"This list changes accordin to my mood at the moment, but these songs usually get heavy rotation in my playlist" - The Freshmen remains a timeless favorite of mine for years gone by and years to come :)
Monday, July 18, 2005
The Texture of Taste
Over the past few weeks, since I had a lot of time on my hands and due to the help of the side effects of steroids – I’ve become intensely aware of what goes in my mouth… food and drink wise. Back in the days, I remember trying to describe certain foods as ‘sleepy tasting’ … but that will make very little sense to the average person.
A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.
Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.
Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?
Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!
A few weeks ago, while having a meal with my mom, it suddenly came to me what I was trying to explain all those years before. I’ve come to realize that a large part of my preference for food or things that I crave doesn’t just have to do with the taste… but I’ve got a knack for gravitating towards foods of a certain texture! Hmm… “texture?” one might say, quite like my mother with raised eyebrows and a pitch or two change of voice… but its true.
Texture marks the difference between why I would prefer chocolate over fudge, brownies over cake, squash over pumpkin, pasta over provision etc… it explains why my favorite fruit is banana and my other fruit preferences are sapodilla, soursoup, chennette, tonkabean and certain types of mangoes etc… What is there in a banana over an apple? ... The texture! That rich, solid, creamy, sticky…roll all over and coat my tongue with feeling to it… that sleepy, calming, relaxing moment of bliss. All those fruits listed above have that in common, in varying degrees… unlike apples, cherries or watermelon. I remember that if I can’t sleep, I just need to suck on a block of chocolate and I’ll fall asleep dripping like a baby. I think the ultimate example will be me choosing squash over pumpkin any day. Its so alike and people normally either don’t know the difference or cant tell. Squash is more…dare I say it…squishy…rich and textured! For this same reason I prefer mohanbog over parasad or the sticky flour parasad over the crème of wheat.
Gosh…it’s amazing. The list goes on with examples, but those above were the ones that made it all click and make sense to me. ‘Sleepy tasting’ :) Can you all understand where I’m coming from?
Now, despite this somewhat odd revelation and my desire to share this with the masses, I must admit that this entry is one of self torture…since for a 'short' while I would be stepping away from Lacto Vegetarian diet and even crossing the realms of pure Vegan ... a real hard challenge. But at least now I have this entry to look back on now and then to reflect on the days of rich tasting, afterglow effective pieces of euphoria all in the name of sensory pleasure!!!
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Geometric People
As a kid, I had always battled with getting the ‘hand me downs’ from my bigger brother, especially when it came to books and stationary. He had the miraculous ability to make a geometry set last him years, where as, if I had a choice, I would want to buy one every term either to replace lost pieces or to get a scratch free ‘angle measuring thingy’ or a pointer compass. I learnt how vital it was to have a good working set when I started CXC Geography, because map reading was not only tricky and demanding in precision, but was also one of my strongest points and the most fun part of Geography.
All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.
One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.
Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”
I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…
I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.
Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)
All those who know me well enough, would know that I am a self-proclaimed ‘directionally challenged person’ when it came to putting a place name and location together. I have an excellent picture memory when it comes to land marks and telling people to ‘turn left on the street right before you pass the big white house with the Jundi flags’, but for the life of me, don’t expect me to remember the street name, town, village, city or its labeled environs.
One day short of a week ago, my parents took me to a doctor in Arima. How simple is that? I’d say I never expected this revelation until I actually reached my destination – that is – ‘I’ve never been to Arima before, have I?’ – ‘I have absolutely no idea where I am!” – “My good Lord, I’m a foreigner in my own country!” … The alarming part of this was the fact that Arima, in my head, had always been a well known word, a place I identified with as being part of sweet T&T. I had done map work pieces on Arima before. I know of people who live Arima. I always knew it was ‘up North side’ … but it never dawned on me until then, that I had actually never been to this place.
Dad said “Lets drive through the town, I don’t think you’ve ever seen Arima proper before” and despite my mom’s protest about it being peak hour traffic, we did. Man, was I in awe! Something as simple as this, had my senses perked and eyes wide open. I remembered a dream I had once, where I took a maxi from UWI to go Curepe and somehow ended up in some strange unknown busy city like area of Trinidad. I was walking around frantically looking at land marks, buildings, people – anything to give me an idea as to where I was (other than street signs) but still I had no idea. There I was totally lost and desperate and not one soul even noticed I was there. But back to reality, as we drove into Arima, I thought to myself ‘Hey, this could have well been the place you got lost in that dream!”
I stared at everything and everyone… taking it all in. The place was swarming with busy feet going here and there supposedly all preparing to head home sooner or later. I did something I recall doing occasionally – I looked at one arbitrary stranger, all dressed up in working clothes and heavy hand bag strapped across her shoulder and I entered into this realm of awareness… aware that this was another human being quite like myself. And I knew that as she stood there, thoughts were going through her head – thoughts about people she knew, things that needed to be done, how she felt…etc. I was witnessing just a mere fraction of a moment of what makes up an entire life style and lifetime of another person. This woman – like me – lives in this world, in this country – has feelings, desires, dreams, memories and fears. To her, everything and everyone around her makes up her life. She is not JUST another person on the street…
I did the same for a rather Amerindian looking, relatively handsome vagrant… and I thought to myself that he would make really beautiful children.
Now as I end this entry, I come to realize that my introduction and conclusion has little to do with each other. That’s the beauty of spontaneous blogging I guess – It transcends the rules of any known writing style. But for the sake of my dedicated teachers for English language and Literature of seven years (God bless their souls) I confess that yet again, upon entering UWI, I bought myself yet another geometry set :)
Monday, July 11, 2005
NOTICE
I HAVE RE-ENABLED COMMENTS... for those who emailed &/or inquired - Yes I had disabled commenting for a few days, but now it's back up - open and available :)
I got tagged - yikes!
Yes folks, I'm petrifed at the prospect of being honest and open to the likes of these questions but ... I have been (I think) This should pass some 'archive time' till we meet again :)
Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T
Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±
Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.
Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination
Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?
Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters
Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$
Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience
Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays
Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure
Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading
Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking
Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan
Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books
Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe
Three names you go by:
1. Tunks
2. Tans
3. T
Three screen names that you have had:
1. Tunkabean
2. ...+
3. I'm an effigy, a parody of who I appear to be ...±
Three things you like about your self:
1. I'm in touch with me
2. I'm self motivated when I'm ready.
3. Ppl feel really comfortable with me...and I'm comfy in turn.
Three things you don't like about your self:
1. My weakness for empathy and being too sensative
2. That I'm unwell...or my body is.
3. Procastination
Three parts of your heritage:
1. South India
2. North India
3. Umm...Trinidad?
Three things that scare you:
1. My parents dying
2. Ultimate emotional hurt in a romantic relationship - esp. Marriage (horn!)
3. Myself
Three of your everyday essentials:
1. Food
2. Meds
3. Reading something or the next
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Beach Shorts
2. T-shirt
3. gold bracelts
Three of your favorite bands or musical artists (@ the moment):
1. Natalie Merchant
2. Chevelle
3. Foo Fighters
Three of your favorie songs. (@ the moment)
1. Vervepipe - The Freshmen (all time fav)
2. Foo Fighters - Best Of You
3. Chevelle - Vitamin R
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months:
1. Being on no medication what so ever
2. Reading as many books as I can
3. Working for $$$
Three things I want in a relationship:
1. Faithfullness
2. Love
3. Understanding and Patience
Two truths and a lie
1. I'm a mommas gurl
2. I attended SJC San'do
3. Blogging comes easily to me nowadays
Three physical things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Kissable Lips
2. Clear Complextion
3. Facial structure
Three things you can't do without:
1. music
2. reading
3. chocolate
Three of your favorite hobbies:
1. 'Surfing the net'
2. Listening to music
3. Reading
Three Places you want to go on vacation:
1. Canada
2. Some nice Caribbean Island - Maybe Barbados
3. Disney (again. yay!)
Three things you just can't do:
1. Tell off someone
2. roll my tounge
3. stop thinking
Three Kids names:
1. Atiana
2. Audre
3. Dylan
Three Things you want to do before you die:
1. Live happy
2. Travel all over
3. Read a lottt of books
Three Celeb crushes:
1. Angelina Jolie
2. Katie Holmes
3. Ryan Phillippe
Thursday, July 07, 2005
More than words
Deepak Chopra - Quantum HealingBut the essence of compassion lies in how hard it is to be good. To forgive someone is to let him be free, even if he abuses that freedom beyond exasperation.
Monday, July 04, 2005
Nude
Nudity ... don't we love it :)
This was done with a 2b pencil alone...possibly a mechanical, I can't remember.
The drawing itself was larger than what my scanner could accomadate, so her toes are chopped off unfortunatly :(
I never did after touch ups on this piece...so this is as it is when I dropped the pencil.
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
The Abyss
Have you ever been quiet?
Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.
Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?
The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...
I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.
Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable
Not just the lack of making sound or speaking... but your mind is quiet.
It can be described as peaceful... except its not really peace.
Have you ever sat zoned out with crystal clarity where everything merges into the next... almost as if the edges of all stimuli are blurred so that it all fits together perfectly?
The mind is perfectly receptive yet immune...
I find myself lost looking at this screen... its calm...not panic... each sensation slow and deliberate.
Here I am... in the abyss that lies between too much thinking and no thoughts... Its unfathomable
Friday, June 17, 2005
Battle of the Senses
Palms sweaty...cold feet...my heart beat a good bit faster than I'd like it to be, considering its taking away from my other senses, now that I have to hear the 'thump thump' in my chest and the whoosh of blood in my ears... humph.
The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...
I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)
Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??
So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!
The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.
So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!
For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*
The Kitchen is now the most dreaded place... what ever happened to the warm welcoming common gathering area for most food lovers like myself? Oh man...food. My appetite can be switched on and off in an instant now...It all depends on the results of my search of course...
I find my eyes dashing around the place with such frequency, you'd swear I was suffering from an odd version of ADS...but then again, I'm doing this with such urgency that I believe my entire demeanour is bordering on Paranoia. But that's not necessarily a bad thing, 'cuz now my eyes are getting tested regularly, without having to pay sky high doctor's fees, and the test of accuracy and precision helps strengthen those little muscles in there :)... (Thank you eyes for being so good to me)
Who ever said I needed to ctrl my gag reflexes? At times like these... I can throw up as quickly as it takes to blink my eyes or breathe in a whiff of air...and in this case, I mean that literally. I think it's an invasion... a plot to get me killed...my own bodily reactions that is. Why can't I bare to smell these things??
So there we have it folks...it's that time of the month ag... ok wait no. I mean, It's that time of the year again! when for some unknown reason, there is an unnecessarily large and forever increasing number of crazy ants finding it's home...in MY house! Come to think of it, there's no such thing as 'unnecessarily large' 'cuz the existence of these crazy little creatures isn't Necessary at all! I know somewhere in the food chain, Lord alone knows WHY, these ants were seen as necessary enough to be created and allowed to still be living... but in my books... I think they should all be sucked off the earth and thrown onto a different planet. Let them eat, breathe, and live there...not HERE...not in my kitchen...NOT in my food, my nice hot cup of Milo, my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my roti and fry plantin, my glass of ice chilled water, my Moca chiller, my popcorn...not ON ME! Get away! Shoo!
The thing is.... I can't kill them :( ... 'cuz then I have this automatic and uncontrollable sudden allergic reaction or repulsion ... and I can throw up just about anything that entered my tummy in the last 24 hours.
So for now...I'll remain on the prowl...analysing every glass, bowl, cookie or piece of potato...suffer from my near anxiety attacks if I (God forbid) find them in attack mode, covering every inch of a piece of food or the next, so much that it's no longer recognizable...(oh man oh man oh man...the damn memories!) ... and continue to marvel at the volatility of my own appetite as I bow to the mercy of these horrid little creatures!
For now! *Muhahahahaha* ... *gulp*
Friday, June 10, 2005
Dare I say?
I still remember
The world from the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Are clouded by what I know now
Where has my heart gone?
An uneven trade for the real world
Oh I, I want to go back to
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all
I’m so tired of constantly being afraid. ‘afraid of what?’ one may ask, and the sad thing is, I’m scared even to say here what I’m afraid of. Apprehensive, hesitant, disquieted, wary…it’s becoming a task, and a stressful one at it, to do what previously would have been a joy… natural, free flowing, spirited… The imperative word that drops the hint is none other but ‘here’. I can span this theme of fear into many other scenes and scenarios – It proves relative all around. Why is this?
In Blake’s ‘Songs of Innocence and of Experience’, he started a revolutionary eye opener of the pure essence of change … from that of a child into an adult … the seemingly ‘natural’ and inevitable degeneration, digression, the sad fall from purity and innocence to the greater accepted tainted and cynical views of the experienced life. Now right before my eyes, I watch myself slip… and God alone knows how hard it is to not become or remain bitter, angry, ridden with anguish and remorse…sad. It’s a taste of another’s bread of life…and the poison of mine. It’s so easy to pick them out… ‘cuz it aint no rose colored glass my dear… it’s shattered and filthy and distorts even the best of persons, feelings and intentions…and the purest of them all as well. In the eyes of such… I swallow my words, blink back my tears…and bow my head in fear. Why is this?
Don’t play the victim in this game…don’t scream those words at me… because once you harbor on an external instigator, then you’re only the victim of yourself!
Release …
Monday, June 06, 2005
Doopdido
Lets change the Flavor - Here's for spontanous blogging *Cheers* ... now take it easy on that one, cause we gotta make it last 'till i'm done here - No refills - nope
Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?
So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.
I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)
Let's turn the page
*blank*
Hmm...
Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.
Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know
Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)
Well then... How you doing today? I figure since you're reading this, mite as well ask. Its not just an ice breaker, not just cause an inquiry, not just the polite thing to do... but it's become more of a necessity - sorta cliche in a sense...How can I go on without asking?
So I'm home. It's been nearly 13 weeks since I've left our beloved UWI and I'm finally able to say now, that I'm on the road OF Recouperation. But who would have thought it would have taken so long. I mean... 13 weeks!? Not me... not my parents...not even my doctors.. and as for my friends and aquaintances...some still can't come to terms wid how ill I become in the 1st place. Ah well... Life does this now and then. I'm definitly a burn to learn sorta chick.
I've been sleeping, thinking, reading, chatting online, posting, watching tv, crying and just tolerating the pain of my daily exsistance thus far. Its quite the life I must say... 'life in London' if I dare quote someone here. It's mine none the less, and I'll like to think that with each day, there is something new to learn or experience. Quite unlike the famous Same Shit Different Day motto of others...though I'm sure I'm most justified in getting away wid such a thing if I were to adopt it. But I cant. I like living...even if pain is the name of the game.. @ least I'm living and alive. Right? (Big hug)
Let's turn the page
*blank*
Hmm...
Ah there.... my my my... Are you satisfied wid the amount of sleep you've been getting recently? Its each mans hell or paradise. I say...its reality. Who said a dream is just a dream. While you're dreaming... its real. While you're dreaming... its not a dream...unless of course its a Lucid one..which in that case...goodluck and best wishes.
Ramblings my dear... as a reader and a writer...we all know it. Sweet ramblings. (are you okie?) ... Who asked that?? (me) ... Oh, you. I'm fine... (thats good to hear) ... Yea, I guess. But you should dock before the ball hits you!...(wow..thanks for that. Twaz a close one)... I know
Now you can go ahead and swallow :) um um ummm... Shiney Happy People Holding Hands :)
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Ode to May
Since the beginning of this month, I have been toying around with the idea of making this entry. Now, 31 days later, I succumb to my tendency of working best under self-induced pressure; and what better pressure than that marked by time itself, giving me just a few more hours to do an ode to the month of May, while the Month still stands?
May has stood out, amongst its fellow brothers and sisters as being the most significant one in my life…thus far. It’s ridden with many personal milestones; good, bad and those that linger somewhere in-between.
Firstly, I was born on the 8th of this Month 19 years ago (Happy Belated Birthday Tunks). Just 3 days before my birth, my grandfather died and throughout the years gone by since, my other 3 grandparents passed away…in fact, in one year, 2 of them died 1 week apart; together with an uncle and a cousin…all separate incidences – 4 deaths, 4 sets of wakes and 4 funerals - All in the month of May. Hmm…all right. Enough of that talk. Too personal? Oh well… the list goes on
Ah yes… May was always one that had the anxiety-laden ring of Examinations in the air, not just the typical end of terms but the life changing (and yes they were) CXC and A Level exams. There was also Mothers day…a bittersweet occasion for my family. In the midst of it all, through out my academic life, I’ve graduated 4 times in May.
On an even more personal note, May marks … first kiss, first time I saw my first b/f upset, first for a few other experiences and first time I was faced with a one to one decision. It now also marks the beginning of the end of something and the end of another beginning. (Never underestimate the power of being vague). In May I was given the RA medical diagnosis and it has subsequently been a month of recuperation following a trend of flares every year since (Including this one)
Now…every event listed above has been, at the time, a significant one indeed. Throwing it out in such a nonenthused factual manner has its pros and cons depending on how we look at it but I haven’t attempted in any way to capture the true meaning or effect. To me, explaining these things that cannot be absoloutly understood and felt by another, can undermind the importance of it...I rather not take that risk. However, I’ll still stick to conviction of this being an opportunity to share something personal, succumb to my need to rant about May and of course, have this in the archives of time to reflect upon as my memory fades...
May has stood out, amongst its fellow brothers and sisters as being the most significant one in my life…thus far. It’s ridden with many personal milestones; good, bad and those that linger somewhere in-between.
Firstly, I was born on the 8th of this Month 19 years ago (Happy Belated Birthday Tunks). Just 3 days before my birth, my grandfather died and throughout the years gone by since, my other 3 grandparents passed away…in fact, in one year, 2 of them died 1 week apart; together with an uncle and a cousin…all separate incidences – 4 deaths, 4 sets of wakes and 4 funerals - All in the month of May. Hmm…all right. Enough of that talk. Too personal? Oh well… the list goes on
Ah yes… May was always one that had the anxiety-laden ring of Examinations in the air, not just the typical end of terms but the life changing (and yes they were) CXC and A Level exams. There was also Mothers day…a bittersweet occasion for my family. In the midst of it all, through out my academic life, I’ve graduated 4 times in May.
On an even more personal note, May marks … first kiss, first time I saw my first b/f upset, first for a few other experiences and first time I was faced with a one to one decision. It now also marks the beginning of the end of something and the end of another beginning. (Never underestimate the power of being vague). In May I was given the RA medical diagnosis and it has subsequently been a month of recuperation following a trend of flares every year since (Including this one)
Now…every event listed above has been, at the time, a significant one indeed. Throwing it out in such a nonenthused factual manner has its pros and cons depending on how we look at it but I haven’t attempted in any way to capture the true meaning or effect. To me, explaining these things that cannot be absoloutly understood and felt by another, can undermind the importance of it...I rather not take that risk. However, I’ll still stick to conviction of this being an opportunity to share something personal, succumb to my need to rant about May and of course, have this in the archives of time to reflect upon as my memory fades...
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Aunque en silencio...
It won’t be easy, you’ll think it strange
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still your love after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
.........
Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true
Selected Lyrics from: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
...
When I try to explain how I feel
That I still your love after all that I’ve done
You won’t believe me
All you will see is a girl you once knew
Although she’s dressed up to the nines
At sixes and sevens with you
I had to let it happen, I had to change
Couldn’t stay all my life down at heel
Looking out of the window, staying out of the sun
So I chose freedom
.........
Have I said too much?
There’s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
But all you have to do is look at me to know
That every word is true
Selected Lyrics from: DON’T CRY FOR ME ARGENTINA
...
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